• Overcoming performance issues

    1459113451
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey guys, I'm in need of advices. As some of you know, I'm experiencing sexual difficulties. It has come to the point as I feel I cannot be satisfied. I am not satisfied by our sex life. I can ahrdly come through penetration and because of that i'm loosing interest because I feel like it has nothing good to offer to me. I have never struggled to orgasm through oral, untill now. Since my OH knows I'm not satisfied and won't be if I don't orgasm, he is very performance focussed. He always tries to give me orgasms and focusses too much on it, to the point where it has made it difficult for me to orgasm at all.

    Also, it is getting more and more difficult to be turned on because of that. If I know I'm not gonna have an orgasm anyway, what's the point of having sex? Espacially if he can cum so easily and I can't even experience an orgasm at all. We tried some things so I am more turned on, but when we reach the point where everything works well, he starts thinking about his performance and stops doing things to turn me on, and that makes me start wondering why I don't find it pleasurable anymore and I then try to push myself through orgasm. When this occurs (way too often), We just end up giving up thinking that there is no use in trying anymore. à

    I know I am facing this with a pessimist approach, but how can you be turned on by(or even have interest in) sex and enjoying it if you know you won't have any orgasm? How can you not focuss on trying to have pleasure when you know that if you don't get there you're gonna feel frustrated and unsatisfied?

    Any help or advice is welcomed. We are tired of this situation and have tried some things to overcome it but nothings has worked so far.

    Thanks

    1459113762
    sanasca [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey Mamz

    Try not to put so much pressure on yourself and your partner to reach an orgasm. Maybe try steppign back a little and going back to basics, touching each other and focus on finding out what feels good again. Aim to enjoy the touching and sensation rather then aiming for an orgasm from the off, it might help make it fun again and take the pressure off you both.

    Can you orgasm through masterbation? Is this a recent thing? Has anything changed in youself or your relationship which could of caused it?

    Take care x

    1459114636
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't have any trouble to orgasm when masturbating (probably because I know I can acheive it).

    I've had an orgasm through penetration maybe once or twice, (but I can with toys but sometimes it takes a lot of help and porn), but through oral I've always been able to come.

    There has not been any change in our relationship since then, expect that I started thinking that sex was only enjoyable for men and that I had nothing to benefit from it.

    We have also tried getting back to basics but I don't know why we just can't do it. We give each other massages, cuddle, shower together (and always make sure that we both agree that sex doesn't have to follow) but sometimes it turns me on a little bit and I jump on the occasion becaus it almost never happens, and then we end up focussing on performance again.

    1459115252
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
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    I think you should use toys in the bedroom just so you get the feeling back that you also can get pleasure from sex. A clitoral vibrator or a wand never hurt anybody during sex. Then you get to (probably) enjoy some orgasm/orgasms since you know your body best and atleast feel you get something out of the sex. It may also make your OH feel a bit less focused on performance if he knows you have gotten orgasms from your vibrator and will be more satisfied with the experience even though he didn't make you come this time. Then he might focus more on the experience instead of performing under pressure.

    I have never myself been able to come just by penetration, only oral, so I use toys during play from time to time. Hope you understand my message even though my english may be a bit weird 😘

    1459115947
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Don't worry Sxleksaker, I understand (even though i'm not a native english speaker either :O )

    What you said could be a good idea.

    I could also masturbate in front of him, so I can experience orgasms while he is there. It could help me to be able to orgasm with the pressure we both put on ourselves and it would make it easier to do so when having sex. It's like getting used to the pressure.

    The only problem I see with what you brought up is that if I use a toy when having sex, I see it as an aid, so as something I have to use to have pleasure wile my OH doesn't need anything. I feel like I would then only use a toy to make it better for myself so that I can endure having sex only to give him pleasure.

    I found it helpfull before to know that there was some ways that could always give me an orgasm if we didn't get there, and oral was one of them. Since I can't even orgasm from it anymore I feel like nothing could guarentee I get to orgasm if I struggled to.

    1459116033

    [suspended user]

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    What about taking sex off the menu? Agree for a time limit, maybe a month or even two, and know that you will not have sex with each other. This takes the pressure off from performance, and builds sexual tension between the two of you. Also, helps focus on turn ons as you will both masturbate presumably relying on fantasies.

    Or why not develop my previous idea into masturbation sessions only but with the twist of doing it in front of each other? Again, this takes off the pressure of satisfying the other person, and you only have to think of satisfying yourselves. But with the twist of naughtiness, sexiness and a great learning curve as the other watches you do it!!! It can be highly rewarding and arousing and I believe one of the most intimate sexual interactions in a loving couple!

    Are you generally open with him about your turn ons? Maybe share fantasies without acting on them immediately, just let them soak in, or watch porn together and discuss or even act out the parts you like? Role playing generally takes the pressure off as they are intended to be acted out without taking yourselves too seriously. So basically just having naughty time in a fun way, consider it like going to a luna park: innocent fun for adults. You do need to take things less seriously in order for your body and mind to relax and enjoy it.

    And finally, I have one last suggestion, but I don't know if this would be up your alley... BDSM. If you can allow yourself to seize control consensually to a trusted partner, this will put your mind in a more receptive state. If he can then put your needs before his own, and if he can master the art of putting you at ease while under his control, this can again be highly enlightening to you both. Even just starting out with a relaxed evening, a blindfold, some soft music and some soft restraints might be a good beginning. And then it is up to him. But this might be "tricky" in your condition and I'm not sure it is something you can / should do right now. I fear you are too fragile/hurt/stubborn/angry for this to work and if it's not something you feel comfortable doing, it can backfire a great deal! So if it's something you'd consider, let me know, and I'll try help more on the subject, otherwise I'll shut up about it for now.

    May I ask how old is he and how experienced he is with women and sex?

    1459116822
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    sanasca wrote:

    Hey Mamz

    Try not to put so much pressure on yourself and your partner to reach an orgasm. Maybe try steppign back a little and going back to basics, touching each other and focus on finding out what feels good again. Aim to enjoy the touching and sensation rather then aiming for an orgasm from the off, it might help make it fun again and take the pressure off you both.

    Can you orgasm through masterbation? Is this a recent thing? Has anything changed in youself or your relationship which could of caused it?

    Take care x

    Sxleksaker wrote:

    I think you should use toys in the bedroom just so you get the feeling back that you also can get pleasure from sex. A clitoral vibrator or a wand never hurt anybody during sex. Then you get to (probably) enjoy some orgasm/orgasms since you know your body best and atleast feel you get something out of the sex. It may also make your OH feel a bit less focused on performance if he knows you have gotten orgasms from your vibrator and will be more satisfied with the experience even though he didn't make you come this time. Then he might focus more on the experience instead of performing under pressure.

    I have never myself been able to come just by penetration, only oral, so I use toys during play from time to time. Hope you understand my message even though my english may be a bit weird 😘

    Some great advice from the ladies above.

    I definitely think that you are feeling pressure to orgasm during sex from yourself and your partner and this is probably taking some of the pleasure and enjoyment away and causing you to tense up physically and mentally which is then preventing an orgasm from happening.

    Have you tried having oral first to make you orgasm then penetration? This would mean you have had an orgasm already and you'll be feeling relaxed and satisfied before penetration happens and there will be no pressure on you to orgasm which increases the chance of it naturally occurring. Or you could incorporate toys like a wand or clitoral vibrator before, during or after penetration.

    I've never had a vaginal orgasm during penetration so far but I still enjoy having sex. I can have clitoral and g-spot ones but they've not happened during penetration so far. We try to get me to come through hands on masturbation or toys either before or after penetration so that I feel satisfied but I still enjoy myself even without the orgasm. We've tried lots of different positions too to try to get there and hopefully one day I will have the vaginal orgasm I would love to have.

    Hopefully if you try to relax, breathe deeply and just enjoy the sensations it will happen for you too x

    1459117081
    Edgy fun couple [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi put some porn on and act out your fantasy tell him wat u want good luck😍

    1459117373
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    era wrote:

    What about taking sex off the menu? Agree for a time limit, maybe a month or even two, and know that you will not have sex with each other. This takes the pressure off from performance, and builds sexual tension between the two of you. Also, helps focus on turn ons as you will both masturbate presumably relying on fantasies.

    Or why not develop my previous idea into masturbation sessions only but with the twist of doing it in front of each other? Again, this takes off the pressure of satisfying the other person, and you only have to think of satisfying yourselves. But with the twist of naughtiness, sexiness and a great learning curve as the other watches you do it!!! It can be highly rewarding and arousing and I believe one of the most intimate sexual interactions in a loving couple!

    Are you generally open with him about your turn ons? Maybe share fantasies without acting on them immediately, just let them soak in, or watch porn together and discuss or even act out the parts you like? Role playing generally takes the pressure off as they are intended to be acted out without taking yourselves too seriously. So basically just having naughty time in a fun way, consider it like going to a luna park: innocent fun for adults. You do need to take things less seriously in order for your body and mind to relax and enjoy it.

    And finally, I have one last suggestion, but I don't know if this would be up your alley... BDSM. If you can allow yourself to seize control consensually to a trusted partner, this will put your mind in a more receptive state. If he can then put your needs before his own, and if he can master the art of putting you at ease while under his control, this can again be highly enlightening to you both. Even just starting out with a relaxed evening, a blindfold, some soft music and some soft restraints might be a good beginning. And then it is up to him. But this might be "tricky" in your condition and I'm not sure it is something you can / should do right now. I fear you are too fragile/hurt/stubborn/angry for this to work and if it's not something you feel comfortable doing, it can backfire a great deal! So if it's something you'd consider, let me know, and I'll try help more on the subject, otherwise I'll shut up about it for now.

    May I ask how old is he and how experienced he is with women and sex?

    Some great advice from era too.

    Sorry I cross posted. That's a shame that oral isn' t working now for you either. Try not to feel bad about including toys. Sometimes we just need that bit extra to tip us over the edge. Men are lucky that they are so easily stimulated but it's just nature's way. They need to be able to come easily to ejaculate and carry on the species whereas we don't need to come to get pregnant.

    Maybe a break from sex, masturbation and toys would do you good. It would mean that things would feel more intense again once you do go back to it. Sometimes you can get a bit desensitized if you've been overdoing it a bit so maybe stick to kissing, cuddling and massage for a couple of weeks before trying heavy petting and foreplay then when you feel really ready penetration again. Have a think about the fantasies you'd like to try and discuss themx

    1459117812
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    If you enjoy porn then why not watch it together and try acting out some of the scenes that turn you on. Lady Cheeky is a great site to look at for short sexy clips, longer videos and stunning photos.

    1459117873
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks era for all those great advices!

    First I think that the masturbation idea could help a lot. We could agree to only masturbate together (and never alone). This would also prevent me from watching porn, which I think could be a positive thing. I am not into watching porn together though. I don't think this would be a great idea, and I am not confortable with the idea.

    Secondly, I am trying to teach him what turns me on, but it doesn't seem to work out and I don't know why. Maybe he thinks too much about it and it's not natural to him. I think the performance thing is the biggest obtsacle to it. I wanna feel passion, i wanna feel like he wants to give me the most pleasurable experience, I want him to take control of my pleasure, but even if I know he that does and how much he cares about my pleasure I just can't feel it. We also took a sex survey on the internet to get ideas of things that we could try together, but the majority of it is just things we can't do untill things don't get better.

    I have never been interested in role play because I think it would feel so awkward, but maybe it would help to take the pressure off and could help us by getting to laugh together and bring us closer to each other.

    And now, about bondage. It is actually one of my fantasies, and he knows. We have bought some basic silky restrains that were on sale and received some bondage tape for free but have never used them. I would love him to take controle over my body and tease me, playing with my mind, and give him a total control of my pleasure. I have also noticed that things go better when we decide that I let things go and give him control (even in normal sex). The only problem is that I don't think that this is someting that turns him on that much, and I even think he is not entirely confortable with the idea since he knows I've been abused and he doesn't want to feel like he is controling me in any way. I'm sure though bondage could help him to let go on those thought.

    Finally, He is 23. He has had 3 sexual partners before me, all of which didn't have any issue enjoying sex. He had always been confident about his sexual performance before getting with me. I would say he is good. When we were starting together, he was the best I had ever had. Things are getting worse since he started to worry about performance and since he knows that I am feeling unsatisfied by our sexlife. He really cares about my pleasure and is frustrated too because he says that he can't get any pleasure out of sex if I don't. That's also he struggles to turn my on based on what I tell him to do because he feels like he is manipulating me into sex and doesn't feel like turning me on if I don't look like I am already turned on and wanting sex. He can turn me on better when he is, but for that he have to feel like I am. I don,t know how we can ever get out of this.

    1459118421
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Imh95, the problem with putting sex, toys and masturbation aside is that if I don't orgasm by myself, I feel even less interested in sex. When I'm not, it can take a really long time before we have sex or even be intimate together. He doesn't want to pressure me into having sex so he just leaves it that way untill I feel interested again (which usually take a very long time). When we are in this situation, I also end up being scared of anything intimate because I am afraid it might lead to sex and when I'm not having any interest in it, even the idea turns me off to a point it scares me.

    I think that this situation is harder to overcome than this situation we are experiencing right now.

    1459118646
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
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    I think the idea about not having sex for a while but masturbating together is great, and you should not use any toys when you do this to increase your sensitivity for when you are going to start having sex again.

    I think it might be some kind of mental block, you feel like you must achieve an orgasm or else you will feel unsatisfied and your partner will feel bad for not helping you get one. If it just would happen once, I think it might be alot easier after that. So try to not masturbate to often and maybe use some kind of clitoral cream to increase sensitivity for when it is time to finally have sex, so you might get the most out of it and hopefully it will feel better once you have passed that block and know you still can come from him :)

    Btw, love your wish list of lingerie, seems like we like the same kind of things.

    1459119038
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You all may want to know that penetration has always been a problem between us. First it was painful. I had pysiotherapy for that, but is sometimes still is (but I have learned to end it when it does). After that, I have been afraid it might hurt again. Now I don't, but i'm afraid of not feeling pleasure (while he is struggling not to cum because he likes it so much. I think that it's unfair).

    Because of all that, sex has always been mostly based on other things. I am feeling unsatisfied now because I can't orgasm from oral (which I always did before), and because I would like to feel as much pleasure as he does when having sex.

    So we have been trying to get to penetration, but this issue is something that we met on the road to get there.

    1459119066
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    mamz wrote:

    Imh95, the problem with putting sex, toys and masturbation aside is that if I don't orgasm by myself, I feel even less interested in sex. When I'm not, it can take a really long time before we have sex or even be intimate together. He doesn't want to pressure me into having sex so he just leaves it that way untill I feel interested again (which usually take a very long time). When we are in this situation, I also end up being scared of anything intimate because I am afraid it might lead to sex and when I'm not having any interest in it, even the idea turns me off to a point it scares me.

    I think that this situation is harder to overcome than this situation we are experiencing right now.

    Have you tried reading any erotica? That can get you really turned on mentally and physically.

    If you feel the masturbation helps then maybe just do it manually without toys for a short while as toys can have a numbing effect on your sensitive spots whereas fingers are much gentler x

    1459119345
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    lmh95 wrote:

    Have you tried reading any erotica? That can get you really turned on mentally and physically.

    If you feel the masturbation helps then maybe just do it manually without toys for a short while as toys can have a numbing effect on your sensitive spots whereas fingers are much gentler x

    I don't think the problem is the feeling itself. I mean that I don't masturbate that often with vibrators, and I still find his touch pleasurable. It's more of a mental block caused by not being turned on.

    For the erotica, I'm sure it would help if I didn't get frustrated by anything or romantic or sensual. It just gets me even more desperate because I'm sad that we don't have it this way and that everything fails :(

    1459119941
    Sxleksaker [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz don't be sad about this. You have got a lovely OH that seems to get how you feel and care about your feelings. And you seem to get what he feels and care about him too. To me, this sounds like an good relationship where both of you just want the other to be even more happy, just that you have some problems at the moment that causes some stress and maybe tension because you don't want to pressure each other.

    This will eventually pass, and you will be stronger than ever together. You just have to relax and not pressure yourself or feel bad about this. It will eventually pass! Hugs 💖

    1459120387
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Sxleksaker, I guess sometimes I tend to forget that the only thing that's important is that we love each other.

    1459121549
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Mamz sorry I havn't been arround here of late.

    I feel like you are building your own prison, so to speak. Even your OH efforts to focus on you are driving you away from your goal, now you don''t get anything from oral. You told me you two were enjoying intimacy, without the pressure of sex; that wasn't too long ago. I feel like you are too focused on the end goal, and want to jump straight there, without taking the journey that should be inbetween. As era has said earier today take a few months, you have to let go of the past.

    There is a saying that goes something like, if you hold the bird too tightly not only will it not be able to fly, you might just stop it's heart from beating.

    I feel like you are too concerned with what the man feels, and how easy it is for them, I have told you it's not that way for me. Please try to let go of this comparison; I know it's hard, I have watched all my friends grow up get married and have kids while I couldn't even think of touching the bare skin of a woman.

    I think you should avoid porn and erotica altogether, your mind begins to desensitise it's self to such stimulus after too much exposure; focus on the pleasure in your life even if it's only a kiss, at the moment.

    You are so scared of failure that you are creating the perfect environment for faliure to occur. Try just to enjoy the small things, the feel of his hand running through your hair, or the feel of his hand in yours. Savour every little thing you can of your time together, let the feelings build over days or weeks, don't givein and go for sex as soon as you feel the slightest tingle of arousal; wait until you are itching like crazy for him.

    1459121876

    [suspended user]

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    I'm glad you are here, alone4ever! :)

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