• Maintenance sex - ever OK?

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    Private_member [sign in to see picture]
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    Finally got around to the Sunday Time mag from a week or so ago and there is an tem in there from a sex therapist about this (didn't know there was a phrase for it). [Would like to provide the link but they seem to demand you subscribe]

    Personally I agree with her (Vanessa Marin) that it is part of a healthy long term relationship as long as 'No' is also okay and should be respected by partner.

    There was recent thread about being woken by a partner wanted sex (happens to me once a week or so) which seemed to come out very much against this but isn't this all part of give and take in a healthy relationship?

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    It is ,but being woken by a partner who has probably got work later on, isn't perhaps a good idea.

    At weekend though when nothing needs to be done as such then its fine. I woke my Mrs up the other morning when we were both off work by going down on her whilst she was alseep. I could tell by the heavy breathing that she wasn't against it . I think its sometimes a question of guaging a reaction whether positve or negative. If negative then be prepared to just let it go .

    But sex for me still needs 2 to tango .

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    By maintenance sex, do you mean having sex when you're not particularly horny just to keep your sex life going?

    If so, I think that's okay as long as both parties are consenting and comfortable. I've gone through ups and downs with my libido but I make the effort to have sex anyway, to keep the intimacy going, and it often helps to get things back on track anyway. I never like to leave it too long without having sex, even if I'm not particularly in the mood, because I don't want to get stuck in a rut.

    If my partner woke me up to have sex I'm not sure I'd be okay with it, mainly because I really struggle to sleep anyway so when I do fall asleep it's a miracle! I also feel gross in the morning so I'd rather get up and shower etc before doing anything.

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    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    Haven't read the article. But if 'maintainance sex' refers to having sex when you don't want to to try to 'fix' a lack of sex in the relationship , there is always the risk that the partner who doesn't want sex will develop a sexual aversion which will only compound the problem and ultimately lead to even less intimacy.

    Don't think it's the done thing anymore for health professionals to reccomend the 'lie back and think of England' approach. If that's what we are talking about here, then sure it does become part of many relationships but it's actually more harmful to the relationship than anything so it isn't something to be promoting. All well and good saying no means no, it's still a case of having sex when you don't want to for one of those partners. Basically it's boiling down to it's ok to say no, as long as you don't say no all the time (even if you want to). Not healthy and only putting a band aid over the problem, would be better to find and address the reason for lack of sex :/

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    I personally don't find it harmful at all, but I do see what you're saying. I guess it depends on the individual and why they don't want to have sex, but I find that if it's just a matter of libido or being too busy to remember sex (as it often is in our case), then doing it kickstarts things again and reminds me what I'm missing. My partner never initiates or hints in these situations, I always make the move myself because I want to get back into the swing of things, so I'm not doing it for him.

    I don't see it as putting a band aid on things, but then I guess I've never had a deep seated reason for not wanting sex. I do think it's a bit unfair to assume that it's unhealthy in all situations, although it can have the potential to be depending on the couples individual circumstances. I wouldn't generalise when it comes to people's sex lives and their choices :)

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    In my opinion its not a healthy situation if one partner wants sex and the other doesn't but is prepared to just put up. For me its not much different than not having sex at all .

    For me its something that you both should want even if initially one person wasn't in the mood at the start. Its really upto the other partner in my opinion to get the other person in the mood .When you are both in the mood sex than becomes more satisfying and will mean much more.

    There are other alternatives  available to full sex as well. A nice relaxing massage often does this and keeps the intimacy going .Both of us like giving and receiving a massage

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    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    You're quite correct Boo, I actually agree with you despite sounding all 'no never!'. I don't think I've woken up enough yet to not sound like an opinionated git! :p

    My worry is the implication of it being a normal fix to a loss of sex in a long term relationship rather than a kickstarter, the way you use it. Nothing wrong with jumping in to remind yourself what you're missing, I've done it myself in times of stress when sex gets put to the side. Or when you do it because you're not in the mood but you want the intimacy, that's obviously not a problem either as ultimately you want it to happen. When it becomes expected of the low libido partner, though, that it's just something you have to do to maintain the relationship, it's unveiling a host of problems as forcing oneself into sex regularly when you don't want it isn't entirely the best approach. That's what I meant by the whole covering up the problem rather than fixing it, hopefully I've made more sense this time haha :)

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    I do see what you're saying and I agree, that does make sense. :) I guess it's a big grey area, you could easily cross over into doing it when you really don't want to if you're in the habit of using it that way, so I guess you do have to be careful with it! xx

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    sanasca [sign in to see picture]
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    I HATE maintanience sex.

    In my previous relationship I pretty much lost my sex drive compleatly while I was pregnant and what started off as having sex anyway to keep my x happy, very very quickly turned into my x bullying and coercing me into agreeing to sex. Very quickly this esculated into him doing it anyway and raping me daily.

    Becuase of this I lost all my self-worth and self-confidence and I developed a sex adversion. By the time I was strong enouth to kick him out I was a shell of the person I had been. To be maintanience sex is far to a slippery slope to go down, I would also talk about the cause of the problem rather then just put out to keep someone happy.

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    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
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    Due to health issues I have our sex life is pretty much just maintenance sex. Even when I do feel horny I don't really feel well enough for sex. My partner isn't stupid and has picked up on it, leaving him with a bruised ego. And me feeling like I don't have sex for me anymore. It's okay occasionally as long as your overall sex life is not maintenance sex.

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    Private_member [sign in to see picture]
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    Without wishing to put words in the author's mouth I think what she was talking about was maintaining a healthy relationship rather than using the phrase as an excuse to extend an abusive one.

    It was just a phrase I had never heard before (and of course a bit of a minefield if there isn't good communication between partners).

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