• Gender/Sexuality breaking the mold

    1457977472
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm sure you will ear of this again because i'm far from when it'll be ok. I still have a lot of work and therapy to do so i'm gonna have some other downs on the road.

    I forgot to say it but I agress with Era. I'm sure a4e that you will find someone to love and who loves you back. All you have to do is know that you diserve love, and be happy with yourself (having a good relationship with yourself before having one with someone else. you seem to already have it but i'm sure on some points there is still work to do, as you are human after all). But don't forget that if you do find that person, there is still a possibility that it may not be perfect and that your problems are still more present than you think.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz we know why you fall back on the it will never happen rail road, I've spent 30 years riding it; thats why I wanted to help you, I don't want to see you make the same mistakes I did, I haven't got too many years left on the clock. I want you to live the live I should have, from your age to now.

    There are enough that I can find an end, to the mess I made of it, and live my life; not just exist. FWB may never love me but I have lived back some of my missing life with her, and I love her for that, even if I'm not in love with her. She showed me how kinky I am, and I love her for that too. And for showing me the deep deep emotions I feel when she takes the role of my lesbian lover, and lets me be a woman. "Girl power" yeh !!!!

    era thanks so much you lift my heart, eternal piece, love, and long life, and not forgeting the great and loving sex life. I think I friend zone myself, because I love to help women, it's a sister hood thing, LOL. You have a kind heart too. I put too much on here, about myself, but I don't care any more there aren't too many people I know well enough to care what they think. And if some guy wants to punch the bi-sexual, wana be transexual, then he will find the cops on his door.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz; I thought I would put it on here as it's more thread relivent; So my gender issues, I think I have said before it's not about the sex; although I feel having female anatomy, globally not just genitals, would make me feel the outside matches my internal sense of self. This internal sense of self, is much older than I first thought. I have just re-read something that sex-squid wrote on this thread, and it still rings true for me, I feel the sexual attraction for men, and will find myself doing a mental fwaar, to a good looking guy, in fact a builder once came into a shop I was in and he had no shirt on I was struggling to stop myself jumping on him.

    Yet I don't feel any emotion any desire to fall in love with men, well I thought I did once, but I felt latter that it was more a physical thing, getting confused with love, because it was the first time I had allowed myself to feel "gay" but It's nothing to do with my feelings of being female. I know I am capable of loving a woman, but I don't get that same feeling as with men. I'm actually feeling jealous in a sort of admiring way. Like wow If only I could look like that in a dress, and have that body and that way of life; have kids, wear heels and lingerie, and makeup, and the long hair, etc, etc.

    And most of all the way women are with their female friends, I know women bitch about each other, and do many of the things men do, that are classed as typically male.

    And it's great that women can build houses, or mend planes, or go out and be one of the lads. Lots of men love this, in women. But it's not accepted that men can do feminine things, yes you get male nurses and do hair for women, but how many me will say that it's a "gay" job, if you are a man. To say nothing of more female passtimes, and lets do as friends things.

    I find it so hard to be one of the lads, I know whats going on in their heads, but like sex-squid so elequently put it, "It's just not my thing". I would sooner be having a girlly night in, giving each other foot massages, drinking wine and watching rom coms, or what ever. Or going out on the town dressed to the nines for each other, not to get guys running after me.

    But guys I know don't do this kind of thing, execpt sex-squid. I wish I could find a few long term female friends, they just seem to come and go. And are usually married and as I'm not totally gay, I don't get to do the girlly nights thing. I'm just the male friend who gets women, When they are single then I'm the friend they come to ask about other guys, they are dating( friend zone incarnate) So again no girly nights.

    I thought I had said this before but i don't mind trying to explain it better for you, I like that you want to know me more.

    Even sex for me is about being penetrated, and man flesh is great, and I love their bodies, in just the same way as women do. Yet even though I don't see women in this intense sexual way, I would be more happy for it to be a woman, with a strapon. Because I feel that emotional connection thats missing with guys, and to go down on a woman is much more my thing than giving a guy a BJ. Though I love the finnish.

    So as I have said before, I think I would still be more lesbian, than bi, if I was a woman. But then again It's the straight acting gay guys I would go for, as I like a masculine man, and could never see myself with a femine acting guy. I just have to be the woman. Though all the straight acting guys I know like other straight acting guys. Yet I suppose I am straight acting out of the bed room, but a female friend I once had said I was so camp when I was with her, but not the typical camp voice. She said I had a very femine personallity and moved like a woman, meaning hand gestures, etc not walking. I'm rather quite a mix up.

    So ask if you want me to try explain some particular thing, that you don't get. Though I'm not sure I get me, entirely. It's so much harder to put over in text, than the spoken word, as I feel like I'm missing something, and can't put my finger on it. I have no one to have a more sit down interactive type conversation with; to be able work things out more.

    1467246490
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    You seem to be wanting to fit into a certain orientation and idendity rather than just be "that is who I am and I don't care if I can't name it". Am i wrong or is it just due to the fact that you wanted me to understand exaclty who you are?

    Thanks for sharing that with me! I'd love to have that conversation with you in real life but sadly I can't.
    I only have one question about your gender idendity. What do you call yourself now? A man? A woman? A trans? Etc

    Sex squid is great. I went back in that thread to read what he said abd I can say je was spot on with my problem. It made me reread a part and i feel that I've gone a long way since then and I can only thank you for that! A big part of it is because of you

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You asked me if I could explain more about it, thats the only way I could think of putting it across, in text. So I'm not trying to fit myself into a box with a lable on it. I am who I am, and feel happy this way now. Though I don't expect a lot of people to accept me as such, the world doesn't work that way at the moment. At least on here I seem to be accepted , and many now call me Alicia, not A4E. Alicia, that is who I am, inside.

    I just wish I was stronger, and be able to let people hate me if thats what the feel they must do. I understand what you say about that, and I'm so glad you can ignore others dislike of you. I couldn't stand it any more at work, and so am back to being jobless.

    I don't know if I do come over as female, in the things I say, but thats how I feel inside. I won't to be female, but I'm stuck in this male body. And there are probably aspects of me, personality wise, that are more male; but I know more than a few born to it women, that act more like men. I don't see any problem in that, it's showing to me the boundaries between the sexes are starting to blurr more.

    Though men taking on more femine personallity traites is not seen as accepable to other men; women do tend to accept those men more, but they are still not seen as an atractive proposition for a partner. When it's bad behavior, and attitude, from either sex, that I think it lets humanity down; we still have a long way to go.

    I have you to thank for being able to be openly Alicia; on here I am the real me now, the me that lives inside most of the time, and I have not the words to express how I feel about that.

    1467291587
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I am so glad you are expressing yourself as alicia now. I try not to call you a4e anymore as it is not you and it is a bit pessimist.

    And you may be right, women tend to be more accrpting of guys who have a feminine side. Many even are seeking that (I guess I am one of them)

    And it's so sad that you had to quit your job for that again :( this really can't be a thing again! You are telling me I am giving up too quick and am letting myself down at the first little thing that occures but you are doig the same yourself!! How many times a boss almost made me cry and I just decided to stay there to show them how wrong they are. Work on that because as you said, people on here are accepting but it's far from that in real life so if you don't change that it'll always be like that and you'll never be able to be your real self witj people. I believe in you abd know you can do it babe

    1467310650
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    I know I give up too easy, thats why I have pushed you not to. I know that sounds stupid, but knowing what I do and stopping myself doing it , seems to be two mutually conflicting issues.

    I too set impossibly high standards for myself, and will dig away at something that I can't do until I find away to do it. But when it comes to women being nasty with me I seem to have no defense, I can ignore guys, though I have not had to deal with guys over my sexuallity. But when it comes to women, I feel anything much more deeply, be it positive or negative.

    It doesn't help that I sense what is going on with women, much easier than with men, it's all over them, the face the way they stand and move, tone of voice. Men say I'm imagining it, that they see nothing, but I know I do; it's as obvious as if they were wearing a full bottle of perfume.

    I take it so personally, and so much to heart; but I can feel when it has reached the point where I am in danger of another nervous break down. I wish I could stop doing it, it just seems that I have been this way so long, I don't know how to be anyother way.

    It is and allways has been an issue with women, ever since I stayed with my violent partner, rather than quit then I hung on in there for dear life. Now I can't wait to run, rather than be under the power of a nasty woman.

    1467312092
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I get you :(

    Don't think I am being hard on you or anything, because I think you are already so strong for being where you are right now. Plus I understand it must be hard to have a woman being mean with you as it is like a conflict between that women not accepting you as a sister as well as a woman being abusive on you like in the past.

    That's why I don't like most women, some can be total bitches and that's just too much drama to deal with.

    I do hope you recover well from this one, because I don't want to see you unemployed and not knowing where your life is heading :(

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    MondaySixteenth [sign in to see picture]
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    Just a woman in gender but pansexual and demisexual in sexuality here. :)

    Recent conversation highlights the levels of understnading general public seem to have:

    me: *talks about ex girlfrind*

    G: Oh I didn't know you were bisexual?

    me: I'm not I'm actually pansexual

    G: what is that? one of those new age things?

    me: No it's more than my sexual attraction isn't limited to two genders I'm open to sexual attraction to anyone regardless of their place on or off of the gender spectrum.

    G: Oh okay. So what sort of girls do you find attractive? Like celebrities?

    me: Well I'm actually also demisexual which is wher-

    G: This is way too confusing!

    At this point I leave to have a conversation with someone new. As a side note I don't really fancy celebrities as I need an emotional connection before I find someone sexyally attractive. Like I can appreciate that some people look better than others but I don't get the instant sexual attraction thing.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    MondaySixteenth wrote:

    Just a woman in gender but pansexual and demisexual in sexuality here. :)

    Recent conversation highlights the levels of understnading general public seem to have:

    me: *talks about ex girlfrind*

    G: Oh I didn't know you were bisexual?

    me: I'm not I'm actually pansexual

    G: what is that? one of those new age things?

    me: No it's more than my sexual attraction isn't limited to two genders I'm open to sexual attraction to anyone regardless of their place on or off of the gender spectrum.

    G: Oh okay. So what sort of girls do you find attractive? Like celebrities?

    me: Well I'm actually also demisexual which is wher-

    G: This is way too confusing!

    At this point I leave to have a conversation with someone new. As a side note I don't really fancy celebrities as I need an emotional connection before I find someone sexyally attractive. Like I can appreciate that some people look better than others but I don't get the instant sexual attraction thing.

    All a person has to do is, treat the conversation as what it is, why do they have to disect your sense of self, like you're a strange form of life never before seen, makes me so angry

    1467330919
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    mamz wrote:

    I get you :(

    Don't think I am being hard on you or anything, because I think you are already so strong for being where you are right now. Plus I understand it must be hard to have a woman being mean with you as it is like a conflict between that women not accepting you as a sister as well as a woman being abusive on you like in the past.

    That's why I don't like most women, some can be total bitches and that's just too much drama to deal with.

    I do hope you recover well from this one, because I don't want to see you unemployed and not knowing where your life is heading :(

    Do you mean a combination of both things? This has had me do some serious thinking, it's a nail I think you have hit on the head that I hadn't known was there. And may contain the answer to some of what makes me; me.

    I never really understood why I feel the way I do about women; you have heard me refer to myself as more lesbian, but that never quite fitted either. But what does is that if a woman is attracted to Alicia, then I feel sexually attracted to her. until you said this, I never made the connection even though it has happened to me.

    One time with my FWB I dressed up hair make up the lot. and we made out, like that; and I felt so very turned on, but as she undressed me I lost it, and I had just thought I had a little taste of being a man, and thought no more about it. Now I see what it was, she accepted me as Alicia, and made out with her, I was accepted as a lesbian by another lesbian (OK so both of us bi-sexual) but you must see what i mean.

    Now my head is full of times when women have made a pass at me, (male me) but Alicia ignored them as she knew they were "not" looking at her. I know this may sound a bit strange but it makes sense to me. I seek acceptance as a woman from other women, even when I'm just seen by them as a man. So you are spot on it hurts twice over, as you said. And I have been ignoring women, that liked (male me), simply because she did not see them as lesbian. It's like she is showing me memmories of all the times this happened. But all I have remember are the times I have asked women out and been rejected, as a man.

    This is so freaky. I have two people in my head.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Do you think I should ask Leanne, if I can change my avitar name to Alicia?

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    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    alone4ever wrote:

    Do you think I should ask Leanne, if I can change my avitar name to Alicia?

    Sorry to butt in, but I definitely think you should, as Alicia is the name you are most comfortable with xxx

    I am gutted for you on the employment front - people can be so harsh, especially if they can sense vulnerability - I guess it makes them feel powerful. I just hope it comes and bites them on the arse one day.

    Look after yourself and be whoever you want to be xxx

    1467333013
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Yeah it seems really weird having those two parts of you and those two opposite feelings. but I am glad I helped you realise something about yourself and why you are affected that much by what women act with you.

    And yes, I mean a combination of both.

    I am guessing you may need some time to clear that a bit for yourself becausr reading this it seems all weird and blurred now

    1467333113
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    lovingnewtoys wrote:

    alone4ever wrote:

    Do you think I should ask Leanne, if I can change my avitar name to Alicia?

    Sorry to butt in, but I definitely think you should, as Alicia is the name you are most comfortable with xxx

    I am gutted for you on the employment front - people can be so harsh, especially if they can sense vulnerability - I guess it makes them feel powerful. I just hope it comes and bites them on the arse one day.

    Look after yourself and be whoever you want to be xxx

    Most definitely! Just like I suggested in the other thread becausr you are not alone for ever now, you are Alicia. If you feel like it really you should ak her. I am sure she will understand.

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You are welcome to be here LNT as is anyone; and thank you, both of you. I think I will.

    I just looked there are already 6 Alicia somethings. will have to think of a different something.

    1467334348
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    I truly think you have more than valid reason to make the request and am pretty sure Leanne will see it this way too.

    Fingers crossed, and I look forward to officially welcoming Alicia to the forums xxx

    How about Alicia4ever? Xx

    1467334465
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    lovingnewtoys wrote:

    I truly think you have more than valid reason to make the request and am pretty sure Leanne will see it this way too.

    Fingers crossed, and I look forward to officially welcoming Alicia to the forums xxx

    How about Alicia4ever? Xx

    That would be so cute

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You found her, you have named her. I will e-mail customer service in the am. Thanks Babes, both of you.

    1467334740
    lovingnewtoys [sign in to see picture]
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    alone4ever wrote:

    You found her, you have named her. I will e-mail customer service in the am. Thanks Babes

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