• Gender/Sexuality breaking the mold

    1457566343
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Of course I have demons and I have been working on them for long time and still am. I have started a seeing a therapist (it's the 3rd i've consulted) and I am hoping it helps. I am aware of my demons and know what they are, I simply am not able to fight them on my own. 

    Would you feel confortable to tell me how you fought yours? or was it simply the proposal that broke the barrier? 

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    I have had results with therapy. But oddly enough, as far as orgasms are concerned, yes, ever since that first time I never had a problem orgasming anymore. I might have the odd day off when I will not get there, but this happens to all men and women so it doesn't worry me the slightest. I still have demons to fight (that influence my sexuality) and I will get therapy for those too now. But I do have the most amazing husband to support me and I don't think there are many that could have done the job he's done on me. Feeling unconditionally loved by him made and still makes the difference for my every battle! That's why I advocate that having the right person beside you is also very important.

    1457569843
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Mamz, one day when I have sex it will mean what it should, I know now from what you describe that I am fighting a block in my mind so deep so ingrained into my psychi that I am only allowing myself to feel both physiologically and emotionally the smallest amount of what I should. Or how could I feel what I do when a woman pegs me. I think I knew it was a block but only just now have I put the pieces in the right order. I know what caused it and when.

    My FWB goes to great lengths to help me try each time, I don't put myself for her use, I give myself to her because I care for her; it's not a love thing for us, and I think if I find that it will put another if not the last piece in place. We each give freely what the other needs one way or another, so it kind of is love I suppose but thats another story.

    era thank you, I believe too that it is in our nature to enjoy sex, as our minds have evolved, it's infinatley more than the mere mechanism for keeping the species going that it began as. It is now one of the fundimental structures of human society, part of emotional awareness, and sence of self. But you are right it is so been tampered with.

    Our minds are more powerful than we know, even knowing that I know my own mind is playing tricks on me, that I have yet to master. So much of what makes us tick runs in the back ground like some euristic software that learns the wrong things sometimes, and wont let it go. Reality and truth is what we each belive it to be.

    The fact that my mind is blocking me from feeling much when I have sex, is evidenced from the fact that I can feel my hand when I masturbate, and even a masturbation toy, but when I tried a toy that is designed for you to lay on missionary style every thing switches off.

    I have taught myself to feel a man inside me where would be a vagina, when there is no man even there and no vagina for him to be in, but I want to feel it so much that my mind creates it for me I don't get an erection but my penis gives me what must be akin to what a womans clitoris does for her; They are the most powerful orgasms I have besides those I get from pegging, so Mamz please believe you can do it too. Let yourself feel what you want, there is nothing better to be had from having a penis, it's the same thing turned inside out, your penis goes into you instead of sticking out thats the only difference.

    I identify best with how women are how they behave with each other, I hate the macho over kill of the men I know. I am a man physically, but emotionaly I think how I feel seems to match what I have heard from women I know. I suppose I'm more of a gescholt being; spelling not withstanding. I am legion for I am many, as the saying goes, but aren't we all. I guess I'm just learning to understand what I want to be within the paramiters of my body, and thats a woman. Take me or leave me, I'm not gay acting, so guys don't pick up on it , but women do.

    It just don't go down well for finding someone to love me, but FWB does like me, so there is hope, to find another who wants more. I am the way I am and I'm staying that way; though I have to say I do like men to be men; I wouldn't mind if they like to dress in womens clothes and I want them to show their feelings I just don't like men who are gay acting, as many gay straight acting men don't. I like them as people I just don't want to be with one. I feel more comfortable in my own skin now more than ever.

    1457723637
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    The fact that our minds block some feelings is just normal. We couldn't live with that much pain everyday so we find a way to put it aside and live. It is a great and bad thing at the same time. What helps though is knowing your own patterns, knowing how your mind works and all the defense mechanisms that we tend to use. Knowing that, we can fight it better and not let ourselves be controled by our fears or pains that are hidden deep inside.

    About the part where you said a vagina and a penis is the same but inside out, I don't agree. The clitoris is que equivalent of the glans, but the vagina isn't made of anything that the penis is made of I believe. It's not the same tissu so there is no way it is the same thing.

    You simply need a person who is open minded or pansexual. I'm sure you will find it, I don't know why someone wouldn't love someone because of a thing like that. You seem to be surrounded by pretty close minded people so maybe that's why you don't feel fully accepted and don't find the right person, but as you said, there is hope.

    1457895440
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    How am I gonna get out of that? I feel like there is nothing I can do but give up on pleasure (accepting the fact that I am a woman and that I'm there for the other's pleasure instead of having some for myself too). God I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'm gonna have to live with that all my life and be depressed about it forever

    1457900357

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    Just give therapy a chance. I can't say anything different than what I already said above, but you said you are starting therapy and that might help.

    However, until this is the wording in your brain: "the fact that I am a woman and that I'm there for the other's pleasure instead of having some for myself" - as long as this is how you put to words what you feel, I fear that your blocks are also self-inducted and self-harmful by choice. There are a lot of women in the world, and I'm sure on this forum also, that will take offence of this sentence and disagree. Myself included. What you feel is not a fact, it is a subjective perception. I have had traumas and have had a tormented relationship with my own sexuality and men and pleasure and self-esteem for most of my young life, but I never believed I had no right to enjoy sexual pleasure. Even when I couldn't. In several posts you expressed yourself in a feminist manner, well, this sentence goes entirely against that. So ask yourself this: do you BELIEVE you are entitled to enjoy sex? You don't sound like you do. You sound like you have a whole fortress built around the concept you can't / won't enjoy it, and you just expect others (men) to break down your walls. It's almost like a dare: you expect them to give you something, but you continue to put obstacles in their (and your own) way.

    I honestly believe you can get to the point of unblocking your enjoyment, but 1) you need to want it and work for it, 2) you need the right man by your side. These are both very important conditions. I can't know about your n. 2, but I think you are not entirely ready for n.1...

    1457901210
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    i've been working on that for 2 years already and i'm with an amazing man. There are up and downs but right now it's a down and I don't feel like I can get up again.

    I don't think I cannot enjoy sex, I only think i can't enjoy penetration like a man can and that is what stops me from enjoying because when the though comes up it turns me off instantly.

    And please, don't be offended by what I say because i'm not saying such things to get people angry. In facyt, i'd like to believe the opposite

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    I understand if it is not something you feel comfortable in sharing, let alone on a public forum, so please feel free not to, but may I ask what the root of this issue might be? I imagine it's a sexual trauma, maybe an assault, or even rape, but I might be completely off... I wish I could help you and make you believe that penetration is as good for us ladies, as for the guys. My husband actually says he perceives it as ours (women's) to be more complex as in we feel more sensations during our orgasm than they do. Of course this is just a theory and I honestly don't think that there is a way in saying objectively who feels what and how intensely.

    I do think though that until you confine yourself in the idea that "you're only there for his pleasure" - and you keep insisting it can't happen, it won't. Your mind is very powerful, but it can be reprogrammed. Just keep working on it. May I also ask how old are you?

    1457904245
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm 21 and the 3 first years of my sex life have been non-consentual. I was manipulated into saying yes (because I was first saying no but then learned to let go and just shut up) by my partner at the time who was psychologically violent.

    1457905171

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    You are very young. You of course can not say when this ordeal happened because life at LH starts at 18... :( But I would say this is way too recent to have been left in the past. You should give yourself time. My trauma happened 12 years before my first orgasm I told you about, and I have been sexually active with others for 8 years before I met my husband. I have been in therapy several times concentrating on this issue, and even though I had some results, as I mentioned I still have occasional drawbacks. Not just because of my trauma, but for other reasons too. So it is a tough process and a very long one. Honestly, you just need to give yourself time. To heal, to process, to digest, to reprogram. I honestly believe you can get there. Have faith though. This is step one. Do not give up. It's way too early for you to give up.

    1457906662
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    How could you be happy with not having any orgasm during 8 years? That's the kind of things that gets me depressed and makes me think that I will never enjoy sex. Plus I feel frustrated when i'm not satisfied.

    I just don't know how to live with that until the day it'll be ok if this day comes. 

    1457907066
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    mamz wrote:

    The fact that our minds block some feelings is just normal. We couldn't live with that much pain everyday so we find a way to put it aside and live. It is a great and bad thing at the same time. What helps though is knowing your own patterns, knowing how your mind works and all the defense mechanisms that we tend to use. Knowing that, we can fight it better and not let ourselves be controled by our fears or pains that are hidden deep inside.

    About the part where you said a vagina and a penis is the same but inside out, I don't agree. The clitoris is que equivalent of the glans, but the vagina isn't made of anything that the penis is made of I believe. It's not the same tissu so there is no way it is the same thing.

    You simply need a person who is open minded or pansexual. I'm sure you will find it, I don't know why someone wouldn't love someone because of a thing like that. You seem to be surrounded by pretty close minded people so maybe that's why you don't feel fully accepted and don't find the right person, but as you said, there is hope.

    I know where you are comming from Mamz, I already told you the moment I enter a woman my brain switches off from what I am doing and I feel very little physically, and a male condom makes me feel even less; and desire is non existent. My FWB has started to try turn me on using any method she can think of since I told her what was going on with me. But I feel sure for me that it is what that gang of girls did to me that is making me block; and I know it's on an entirly sub concious level that I can't access.

    But you seem to be telling yourself you can't, you shouldn't, feel it; as era has just so eliquantly told you. You also seem more concerned about how a man must feel more, that the man takes all the pleasure; well guys feel a whole spectrum of things, from me, to a guy I went to school with who never managed to get out of his jeans before it was all over for him. So what a guy feels is individual and subjective, just as I"m sure it is for women.

    You sound as if at some point in your life someone took all the pleasure with you, just as happened to me; you don't need to answer that.

    I have found sexual enjoyment from other forms of sex, as you know; but I will not give up trying to get back what was taken from me. I have obsessed over this only being possible within a deeply loving relationship; apart from my FWB the few others I have been with just used me for sex, because I was too willing to use my fingers for them and get nothing in return; they seemed to think that it was OK to do that as I couldn't manage the other anyway. I will find that love and use it to break my chains.

    You say you have an amazing man, for now find all the ways you can have sexual enjoyment and live in that. I know what you will say to that, and yes you are entitled to good vaginal sex, but you are putting your self in a position where you have no way out, but it is only you that says this. era says the same, all I can do is re-enforce her words.

    Look above and see the words of support you gave me; you are on the other side of your prison bars when you tell me this, so you do know what to think; you just seem unwilling to apply these words to your self, ask yourself why that is.

    Do me a favour and take on a mantra; I WILL ENJOY VAGINAL SEX, keep saying this over and over and over; out loud, in your head, write it out as lines.

    Keep trying but don't put expectations on it, don't make it the be all and end all, baby steps. feel the love of your man. and try not to feel hopeless, I know I have spent over 30 years trying to get over this of mine, but in all that time I have not had a womans love, and have come to what seems like the end many times, but I'm still here and still fighting.

    1457907242

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    I enjoyed sex and penetration. I just never orgasmed with men. I occasionally had a quick relief from clitoral masturbation. Just for the sake of it, not for the pleasure. I knew I was missing something, but did not know what exactly as I never had an orgasm since starting an active sexlife. Again, I still enjoyed sex and penetration, just never had 'that' pleasure from it. But for me, I always believed I will get there, I always wanted sex and pleasure from it. So for me it was a conscious choice of therapy too. I had barriers to brake and I thought 'repetitio est mater studiorum'... I never put pressure on myself though. I just thought, well, it will happen when it will happen. And it did. And I was older than you are now.

    1457908013

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    You need to believe it can happen. I'm telling you it can. You also need to take the pressure off. According to your own words, you are there, enjoying it, but then ruin it for yourself thinking "what's the point?". That is why I am stressing this out so much: if you have the right partner, this pressure should go away. My partner knew all about my problems and my issues. He never treated me differently. Life was normal for us, sex was normal. I had no pressure from him or from myself to do anything.
    But, most importantly, you need to allow yourself to believe it is possible and allow yourself time to heal. It will not happen overnight and might not happen for years to come. Therapy can help, I firmly believe that. I recognise elements of guilt over what you experienced. Correct me if I'm wrong. But guilt, especially the victim's guilt, is something difficult to shed without professional help. And if I'm right, the guilt is your biggest enemy here.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks to you both. It is helping to read such comments and advices.

    Maybe I could be able to enjoy vaginal sex, but my partner would need to be really good. I already feel like i'm putting too much pressure on him and he is being hard on himself because of that. I don,t want him to feel pressured or to feel bad about it but I don't want to feel sad ans unsatisfied either. I know it's not only on him but if I put the pressure on myself it's even worse. I don't think that I could just accept it if things are not pleasurable, so there'll still be pressure.

    And to correct you Era, i'm not feeling guilt anymore. I've felt it before but I think that this part is now solved, unless i'm just putting the blame on my anatomy now instead of myself (which actually would make sens).

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    Your mind is doing this to you on a subconcious level, when you (learned to let go) and let him rape you, and yes it is still rape, your mind switched off sensation in your vagina, to protect you from feeling what was happening frequently. Think on how many time this happened to you, by some one you were supposed to have been in a relationship with, your mind has locked it's self because you was in an on going life of sexual slavery.

    You may feel on a rational level that you don't feel guilty, but you know the mind is more complex than that, things you say prove that. You are 21, and have spent 3 years letting some animal of a man use your body, against your will; this is going to take time to get over. Focus on loving your new man, let go with him, you want him it's so different than before. Try to just be in the moment when you are with him, let it be all about feeling your love for each other, not about sexual pleasure, that will come back in time, it's not something you can force. As era has said you have to let your mind reprogram it's self.

    Immerse your mind with feelings of love when your are with you new man, feel it over every inch of your body, forget thoughts of sexual feeling in you vagina; that is only a door back to the past for now. Let your mind realise that when you are having sex all you feel is love, and it will let go off the past. (Learn to let go) for the good to come back.

    This is exactly what happened to me, and when I find a good woman to love me I know I will let go, it is happening slowly very slowly with my FWB, but though I know she cares, I know it's not love; and it's love I need to finally let go. You have a loving man now SO USE THAT LOVE BE THAT LOVE.

    I will post on here when I find my love, to let you know I'm free again; for now I hang on.

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    Very well put, a4e, I just hope mamz will take our advice...

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    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
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    You too era I was so glad to have you here to help Mamz see it was more the just one person telling her.

    I'm glad that true love was your ticket out, I so hope it's mine, I know in my heart it is.

    I could see how she could tell me, but not apply the same logic to an identical situation that she is in.

    Mamz you go girl, massive hugs xx I cried for you when you let it out, just as you did for me, when you read my posts.

    We 'really' are the same in this, and we will both get through this.

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    mamz [sign in to see picture]
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    Alone4ever, it really helps to know that i'm not alone (I know it's the same for you). Sometimes I even think about you at night when I can't sleep and it helps me a lot.

    Era, please don't take it personally when I disagree with your sayings. It's just a way of thinking that I can't help and it takes just a little more efforts somethimes to get me to understand or to give up my thinking patterns.

    Thank you both, it does help to have two people saying the same and trying to make me understand. It helped a lot too to see that I just tell a4e things that I don't apply to myself.

    When i'm too scared of sex sometimes it comes to a point when I become scared of intimacy too. It is the case right now and my bf let me know yesterday that it was tough for him. We established that we can be intimate together and only that (so no sex) until I feel safe and ready for something more. No pressure, only love. That's because of you two. I am still scared but at least willing to try to bring back the intimacy that had been taken away for a week and a half. So thanks againfor helping me to take a first step.

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    Don't worry, mamz, I know your heart is in the right place and I am not offended. I just wanted you to see that you are making general statements for a subjective view, and that was not fair. Not fair for me who sees it in a different manner, not fair for me who has come out of a similar situation, and not fair to you as you are depriving yourself of a solution by being stubborn.

    I am happy you are able to make compromises in your relationship. Feel free to come back, rant or ask further questions anytime, I only shared my story because I really wanted to help you (I don't usually like putting too much of myself online).

    a4e, I honestly hope you will soon find that love. You sound like you are in a good place right now with yourself, as much as possible, so I hope someone will see the kind heart that lies within you.

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