• Gender/Sexuality breaking the mold

    1457524052

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1375
    • Joined: 4 Dec 2013

    Bex, truly enlightening! Thanks for that!

    1457524315
    Sex Squid [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1162
    • Joined: 13 Sep 2006

    Sorry to hear you're feeling down mamz, hopefully it'll pass; in the meantime I'm happy to add my two cents to the discussion as it's been a really interesting read!

    Mamz - I can honestly say being a man is not always all it cracks up to be. I think we all sometimes wish we could have different sexual organs in order to experience sex from the 'other side'. God knows I'd love to have a vagina, and to be able to explore the different sensations. But for me, it's a passing fancy, and I make do with what I have. To say that for men sex is nicer because it's constantly pleasurable and you're having to hold off to prolong orgasm, whereas for woman it's more of a struggle to achieve one - everyone is different in this regard... to give a man's perspective, it's not always like that, that's purely down to how turned on you feel. You can frequently have erections when you don't feel in the slightest bit turned on (and the sensations are dulled by comparison). Or, as in the case of nearly a third of men aged 30+, there will be the odd occasion where you are insanely turned on but nothing happens down below (and that is frustrating, believe me!). Other times you'll be having sex and be really into it, and you realise you're just not going to be able to cum - this sometimes happens for me, if I've held back when I'm nearing orgasm, the sensations subside, but then you can never get them back.

    But I echo some of the comments from others before me, that gender is really more a spectrum. I'm male (in that I have male organs), I'm attracted to the female form, but always had a fascination with cocks, and wondered what it'd be like to have sex with a guy. Problem was, whilst I can look at a guy and find them attractive; I've no desire for any romanticism, and certainly have never had 'feelings' towards a guy. I even slept with a guy once, and enjoyed the feeling a 'real' one in me; but it made me realise that what I prefer is women to take me in that way. I am submissive, and prefer to receive, but I'd rather it was a woman doing it to me.

    Am I Bi? A little... Am I straight but just kinky? Maybe... I don't care one way or another. There was a term I saw on Fetlife which was Heteroflexible, which seemed to fit me best; but I say do away with labels altogether. They aren't needed in today's society.

    My closest friends are female. I can't stand the things that society tries to label as predominantly male i.e. sport, boozing, being out 'the lads'; I actually detest all that sort of stuff; but also refuse to say that I prefer female company. If I find some male friends that are happy to talk about feelings, watch period dramas on TV, give each other foot massages, then I'll happily do thosr things with men too. It's my interests that define me, not the company I keep :)

    1457524512
    bex1213 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 883
    • Joined: 26 Jan 2011

    era wrote:

    Bex, truly enlightening! Thanks for that!

    No problem. Obviously, I've had to summarize and generalize a bit but I'm glad it was useful.x

    1457527674
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5868
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    That was really interesting bex thanks. Inspired to look more into it x

    1457540778
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1293
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    Hi Mamz I'm so glad you have taken the plunge and said more about how you feel.

    A man is wired by evolotion to cum quickly for a reason, sex is about procreation. Thousands of years ago if not a million, early man was a wild animal and the act of sex was a very vulnerable time for the alpha male; the ideal momment for a rival male to take out his competition. So the act only needs to be long enough to produce ejaculation. After sex the male releases hormomes to make him loose interest, and be less agressive; thats why men these days often turn over and go to sleep. It's thought that it was to protect the female from harm by a mate hyped up on testosterone, released into the blood prior to sex.

    The reward for the act is only big enough to motivate the male to mate again, nature abores un necessary waste.

    For the early female, it is thought that, multiple mating was the norm, so several males would protect her as they would each think the child was his. The female may have had to endure several males mating with her one after the other, so the reward is a more powerful one, that takes longer to achieve; it lasts longer and is more powerful, and engenders a deep emotional feeling. It also makes the female feel weaker imediatley after, probablely to stop her struggling, and hurt herself; as it is belived that it would have taken the form of what we call gang rape today.

    Today men are still the product of evolution, so they can generally still reach a climax quite quickly, the urge is still to put semen into the woman, and put it in as deep as possible. we have still a reflex to push deep at climax, the modern mans brain can overcome this urge but it's still a reflex action initially. The reward is still the same for most men, short and centered in the groin. But again some men are learning to tap into the power of the mind and get more. I have had a full body orgasm just from pure thought, and it felt like a white light filling me up inside and exploding through my entire body leaving me shaking; but I have never been able to recreate it.

    So human kind is evolving and it's the mind that it leading the way; Mamz as a woman you have a natural leg up as far as orgasms are concerned. Yes it can take longer but it has been medically proven to last longer on average than the avareage male climax. The power is in the mind and it can make you explode in a sea of pleasure, or leave you laid there screaming in frustration.

    As a man who loves to be pegged I can tell you hand on heart that the way I let it make me feel even when I don't orgasm makes ordinary male sex pale to a mere shadow; and when I do I let myself scream at the top of my lungs in pure burning extasy, yet still in me remains the urge to have straight forward male sex.

    The reason I wish I was female is yes to experience sex as a woman, but I can get pretty much that from anal sex. What it is for me is about what it is to be a woman, the friendship and bond even between women who don't know one another, makes me shake with wishing I could be in on this. Sex Squid you seem to see this too. As a bi-sexual male, women my age seem to be mostly married in which case they don't like to form close relationships with men for obvious reasons, and the single ones go ups he's gay or is he, I don't seem to meet the ones who would want to either date me, or be close friends, the moment I start to talk feelings they assume I'm hitting on them. Maybe Sex Squid can explain how he gets close female friends.

    And of course it's the freedom to ware jeans and a t shirt, or that sexy little black dress and killer heels; down side are all the men who haven't evolved enough to realise that it's not them that we dress up for, and yes I did put WE.

    The guys on here seem to be the only ones who will express feelings, I don't know any in the world around me who don't scream hold on it's a gay the second you go anywhere near the topic of feelings, It's sport, man hobbies, politics, or in the case of the married ones bemoning of married life.

    So please Mamz let go of your jealous fealings you don't need them, your are a god made wonderful woman, embrace it in all it's forms. Use your mind to find whats already there, find mind blowing sexual orgasms, realish the bond of woman hood, be the woman you want to be.

    1457547711
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1733
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Hi guys.

    Thanks for your answers

    A lot of you seem to talk about gender vs sex. I know this thread is about gender but I posted anyway because I did want to start a new one.

    I have already had issues with gender too, I am too frustrated about the gender stereotypes and all thzt, but it is something I can live with. I am a strong woman, who can live in a man's world without them opressing me (volontaty or not). I have a lot of guys friends, in fact I like guys better, but my best friends are all females who have a big "male" side. My male friends tend to have a lot of mysogynic sayings, but I love them, because they don't agree with it, they simply make fun of it, denonciate it ( a lot like I am too, and a lot of people don't understand that). Some of my friends are happy to share their feeling with me, but not because I am female, because they feel that I am always there to listen to them. In fact it's always one side because they are close to their feelings and I am qhen alone, but not with others. I don,t think anything like that has to do with gender either. But yes, a lot of people really are those stereotypes (the majority of them in fact), but I think it is because they were raised in them, by people who believed in them, so of curse they stick to it now. I have worked in a machine shop when I was younger. I was the only gril, but didn't care. They were joking about me because I was the little girl, all young and girly, but I didn't care, the only moment gender was relevant was when something heavy had to be lifted. The reason because I don't do this anymore isn't because I didn't like to get dirthy, it's because it wasn't intellectually challenging. Still nothing to do with gender.

    The thing that got my bf interested in me when we first met is that after getting to know each other, he was thinking "If I was a girl, i'm pretty sure I would be this girl". We aren't like the exact same person, but on some important point, we do think the same. It's the case for gender equality (though we don't have the same reaction towards it) or society standards. I like that, it is great. We agreed to live our lives together like we want to, without being concerned about anything about the society (so gender stereotypes and etc).

    Now the thing is, that I can live with the gender thing, but not the sex one. I am not frustrated about gender and not being able to be accepted as a certaing ender or whatever, I am frustrated about not having a penis. What Sex squid have decribed about the problems that a man can face in sex... about sometimes when you know your not gonna cum.. Well, this is my life. I always get this feeling "well, why are we doing this right now, it's not gonna give me an orgasm anyway" and then I get down and we stop hving sex because I am not into it anymore and after that i'm feeling like shit for a while. I think a lot of women have to do with the fact that they know they are not gonna climax from penetrative sex. So why for men whould it be an issue, and for women something completely normal?

    And the evolution thing, I find it so discusting. I am a very rationnal person and I tend to base my thinking on things like that. That is even part of what got me to think that it's better to have a penis. God, gang rape, wtf. The woman's orgasm is there so she ENDURES it, you said it yourself, while the man's is there so he has a motivation to do it again. I really feel like this is my life. I have no interest in sex and I don't see the point of doing it (while I WANT to enjoy it, and I want it to be more than just what it is right now).

    I know that there is a big mental part to it. But what I want is the physical pleasure. I think the man has better physical pleasure, that helps him to be mentally turned on. I don't have that. I too want to be feel so much physical pleasure that I'm turned on by sex, or by the idea of it, or by seeing my partner naked, or by the simple idea of penetration. I know I can compensate fot the lack of sexual pleasure by the mental part, but I don,t want to. I want to have the same as a man, I don't want to compensate otherwise because I can't have it. I want to equally feel pleasure and be turned on by anything and so be able to cum that easily. I don't want to feel it is an effort to bring me to orgasm, I don't want to deal with the i'm not conna cum thing, I don't want to be told that it is normal for a woman, I don't want to compensate for something that I don't have that my partner has. I just want things to be equal. I want women (at least, me) to have the same than men when it comes to sex. The same, not omething equivalent, or something else that we are asked to be thankful about..

    1457550717
    Sex Squid [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1162
    • Joined: 13 Sep 2006

    Lots of food for thought there mamz!

    So is it a case, that if you were able to feel pleasure as readily as a man does, that you'd be happy within your own skin; sounds like you resent the fact that you don't have a penis just for the sake of the pleasure men can feel with it? Happy to be corrected if I'm wrong?

    From my own experience, yes, it's harder for most women to achieve orgasm, but when they do the orgasms are stronger and last longer. It's a little bit like quality vs quantity in that sense!

    I might be on the wrong track but from your post it seems that maybe sex has been unfulfilling lately because you're not having an orgasm, and that is leading to a loss of sex drive. Vicious circle! Can't believe I'm even asking, but in the spirit of open discussion, do you still masturbate to have orgasms or have you lost interest in that too? :/

    1457551410
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1733
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    You're right, I want to have a penis for the only fact that a man feels more pleasure.

    I think maybe yes the women's orgasms may be stronger, but the mans still has a lot of pleasure from being on the edge, while the woman's struggling to even feel pleasure.

    And again, you are right. I don't feel fulfilled by sex, but I've never have. I am not satisfied and even when I do feel satisfied, the next day or the day after I feel like I am not satisfied globally. I've never felt satisfied by sex (because i've never had good experiences) and I don't feel like I could be. I feel like to be satisfied i'd have to have a penis (I won't say "or have the equivalent of what a man has because I still think that if you don't have a penis, penetration can never be as pleasurable).

    I do masturbate, in fact I think I have more interest in masturbation than in sex. When I masturbate I know it's 100% for me, that no one else feels more pleasure from what I am doing because it is only about myself. But sometimes I feel more mehh about it. Sometimes I masturbate because I am frustrated, so I only feel bad afterwards. and most of the time, even when I feel good about it, I feel bad because I feel like I lack some sex and that I am not emotionnaly fulfulled. Then I get frustrated because I know sex can't make me feel satisfied either.

    1457551768
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1293
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    I'm sorry Mamz, I was talking about a million years ago, we are evolved from base creatures.

    I don't know what else to say to you, I only wish Now I had not spoken, not even come here in the first place. rather that than have made you feel worse, I thought you may understand the evolution thing as you study medical.

    Women don't have to endure it any more we have evolved so very far beyond that.

    When I have straight sex I physically can feel almost nothing, I have to use all my mind, and it takes me along time to climax and when I do I only feel that I did my bit for her; all I want is her inside me so I can feel something. I don't get turned on, I just want intamacy, thats why I have sex,

    I have found a way round feeling nothing during sex, a different way to be, being a man does nothing for me.

    1457551877
    More_Matters [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
    • Posts: 16
    • Joined: 26 Feb 2016

    phil wrote:

    yes I love to be in female clothes as much as possible. I am not gay, as in I don't fancy or feel sexually attracted to men, but I do strive to look as female as possible when out and about. I do have a curiosity to gay sex but only for the what is it like to be penetrated by a real penis. Yes I do have plugs, didoes and other anal toys, yes wife does peg me that I enjoy. So the bottom line is how do I fit into this world of having to conform to a pidgeon hole ?

    Why would you want to fit into a pidgeon hole? Why would any of us? The beauty of humans is their individuality and uniqueness plus ability to stand tall and say this is who i am.

    On a different note, cant wait to see your pics phil! I love to get my man to dress in sexy female undeware- it soo turns me on. That sort of thing has turned me on since i was a teenager. I am completly straight, obsessed with my mans cock!

    When i brought my children up i always told them i was attracted to men in womens clothes. They were fine with it as young kids and still are as young adults. They just think i am individual, and they ae too.

    1457552223
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1733
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Alone4ever, I understand the evolution thing, and don't worry you didn't make me feel worse, I was only saying that I had already thought about it and that it is part of my thinking of why being male is better.

    I understand what you are saying, but I don't feel like that. I feel some pleasure at the moment, and some excitement, then, a thought comes in my mind about how I am only there to provide good sex to the other because I am female, or how I may feel good but the other feels better, etc, and then it screws it all. Evething that is stoping me is rational, while sex is not something rational, that's why both don't go together and i'm having that much trouble with all this. (even though all those thoughts are highly unrational because they are based on experiences and feelings and i'm stills ticking to them)

    What you are describing me sounds more of a deep feeling, really like you have nothing to do with being male so you don't enjoy it. Did I understand you right?

    1457556269
    Alicia4Ever [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1293
    • Joined: 27 Feb 2010

    OMG thats it, I was only pleasing them, they were taking all the pleasure, I was just there, a thing, I didn't want pleasure; but I have been used (you know what I mean Mamz) by both men and women. So I feel nothing inside a woman, I do climax sometimes, It just happens if I can stay hard long enough, It's so much effort to get hard for her, like I don't want to bother, but I feel I must try.Then I think why did I just do that, and all I can think is if I try mabe I will feel it this time but I don't, I just hope she wasn't faking it cos whats the point other wise. But I have Laid on top of a stunningly beautiful woman and felt joy that I had pleased her one way or another, but felt turned on in no way shape or form.

    When she pegs me I become female, and turned on by the fact that it's a woman doing it , but I have to ask for it first I don't feel turned on first, and I know that she loves doing it for me and it turns her on, but she doesn't get to climax. Yet I feel nothing like that with a guy It feels nice, and I like the fact that I pleased him enough that he gets off, but there is no orgasm, no feeling of emotional bliss that I get when it's a woman, no feeling of being turned on by it in the moment. Much as you describe, just that is me giving him pleasure, and nothing but being happy for him, so I don't do it any more. I have only ever recieved from a man, now having heard you, I wonder if I would get turned on if a guy wanted me to give for him, if I would get pleasure from it, that I don't from women.

    But I don't Identify with men, I feel gidy at the sight of a mans fit body, sort of phwar, but I don't want him emotionaly, it's only knowing that I have the power to turn him on, that turns me on;

    I'm so mixed up.

    I feel turned inside out and back to front with what others have done to me, now it seems I understand cos of you, that I don't get turned on by anything that gives direct pleasure to the other person; only when I give it to myself, you are right it's just for me, and no one else.

    I have learned to enjoy letting the other person have their pleasure, I need them to now, like anyone does; It just took me over 20 years to try even touching a woman, but I came to Identify myself with women because of what I felt inside that it was to be a woman, despite those who hurt me.

    1457563280

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1375
    • Joined: 4 Dec 2013

    Mamz, I might be completely off the wagon here, but I think your only problem is you are not enjoying sex. That can have a lot of reasons and gender or sexual roles imposed by society or reproductive organs have nothing to do with it! I am a woman, I get easily turned on, I am attracted by a naked penis quite easily (especially if it's my husband's ;)), I can orgasm from penetration within a couple of minutes while my husband takes a bit longer (usually because he wants to). I enjoy sex much-much more than masturbation, I get turned on and sexually aroused by giving him a blowjob for example. I do feel there is gender equality in our bedroom, we both give and take pleasure too. I also usually get to have two or more orgasms while he will have just the one (or maybe none as Sex Squid described). So what you are saying has nothing to do with the generalisation of being a woman. It is you as an individual that cannot enjoy sex for some reason (maybe for what you hint at as "unpleasant past experiences"?), and this reason might be physical, but I tend to agree with alone4ever that it's more of the psychological / mental barrier type. I used to not have orgasms too, and it took the fall of a mental barrier for me to start having them. And it also takes the right person to do it with. I hope you will be able to get passed of whatever is holding you back, because it is not the lack of an Y chromosome.

    1457563284
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1733
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Alone4ever, I imagine you feeling you have put yourself for her to use in addition of the "shy did I just do that" one? I know how that feels. And I also understand the part of you wanting to try this time because maybe this one time it's gonna feel ok but then it brings you down because you start thinking that trying doesn't make anything better. Do I understand you right? Because this describes very much how I feel.

    You should definitely try with a man. It would probably be a mix of what you like from both, so why not just try and you'll know! That or maybe you'd love being penetrated by a woman with a penis? That one is harder to find though, but she would definitely understand you and the way you feel better than anyone you've ever been sith has ever done.

    So are you identifying yourself as a woman or as a man with a strong female alter-ego / side? Sorry to ask because I know you have already explained it but I think I am a bit confused.

    1457563725
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1733
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Era, I know some women enjoy sex, and your situation as you described it is pretty much how I would like it to be for me (if I would have been able to get over the fact that i am convinced that the penis feels more pleasure than the vagina).

    I do set a psychological barrier that's preventing me from enjoying sex. I am aware of that, but I am afraid of letting it go as I would feel like I would be accepting the fact that i can,t feel the same amount of pleasure. I do orgasm, but rarely by penetration, and I think every sexual act is more pleasurable for a man than the same act done on a woman so the orgasm is there, but all the rest was not like "worth it" as much as on a man.

    I just went to my third psy appointment, and she also seem to think that all those past experiences have setting a wall that kept me from feeling pleasure.

    1457564262

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1375
    • Joined: 4 Dec 2013

    Oh, and I honestly don't think it is 'natural' or 'normal' or 'common' for women not to enjoy sex. I think nature has built us all, men and women alike, in such a way we could enjoy our sexual encounters. I also reject the idea that most women can't enjoy penetration. I believe that we have been preconditioned (aka 'brainwashed') by society (and religions) during centuries of generations to 'think' that women can't or shouldn't enjoy sex. But I don't think this is natural at all. It is what women were made to become, and it is an invalid concept in today's western civilisations so there is hope our children will start breaking this stigma down and live more freely their sexualities. I know I might be unpopular with my views, but I am a firm believer that physically enjoying penetrative sex is in our nature as human beings, and we are all capable. We have built so many mental / social / religious / emotional / reasoning barriers for ourselves, our bodies (genes) 'started forgetting' that we can.

    1457564396
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1733
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Era, I don't think your views are that unpopular. In fact I love reading your point of view because knowing that some think of it this way reassures me a bit.

    1457565090

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1375
    • Joined: 4 Dec 2013

    Yes, you can feel the same amount of pleasure. It is your own barrier that keeps you from it so you're putting yourself in a vicious circle. I used to think I had sexual gratification from masturbation. And I used to think: huh, what's the big idea?. And I once asked a man what was an orgasm supposed to feel like as I didn't get all the hype around it. And his answer was: "You'll know it when you'll have one". That is a very spot on advice. You might think now you are getting orgasms as I did before actually getting one from my husband (the night he proposed), but I knew it exactly what it was only when I got one. You just have these ideas that guys have it better and easier, but I don't believe they do. It is not your vagina stopping you to enjoy sex, it is your brain. I've been there, I should know.

    1457565261
    mamz [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1733
    • Joined: 4 Jan 2016

    Do you want to tell me more about what was stopping you fromenjoying sex?

    I know there is different intensity of orgasms like some just feel mehh and others are amazing. But the problem is when I have amazing ones, I feel really great and close to my partner and happy, and a few days later I feel like "yeah this was not that great, sex isn't that great" and all. It's like I am more used to have a negative view of it all so when I have a positive one, it doesn't stay for long.

    1457565676

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1375
    • Joined: 4 Dec 2013

    I am not comfortable in sharing these details. Let's just say I was 'preconditioned' too due to past experiences and education that my role as a 'respectable' woman is not to enjoy sex. I have fought these ideas all my life, but they were rooted deeply in my subconscious. I don't think it is a coincidence that my first ever 'real' orgasm happened the night my now husband proposed. He then 'made me a respectable woman' and in my mind some of the barriers I had have fallen.

    Your demons might be different than mine, but you sound like you have them too and you'll need to work on those...

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.