• Hubby doesn't want sex woth me anymore!!!!!

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    Nikkie73 [sign in to see picture]
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    Am 42 he is 47. To be honest I think it was about a goid year and a half was the last time it stayed hard till he finished. Its been month's fae the last time he touched me. He just keeps saying it's not you it's me But he does nothing to even show he's cares. I look things up to help him he's been to the doctors have a full cheak up came back all clear, he tried viagra nope the best he could get was a floppy semi took him awsy to hotels nope. I love him so much sometimes I get butterfly's in my stomach. He says the same apart from the butterfly's bit. Lol I don't think he does love me I think it's not like a sister. I don't want anybody else but my wee hubby.

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    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    Is he stressed? On any medication that could affect him? Does he still masturbate?

    The other option if there's nothing medically wrong, is a psychological issue. He might have been stressed prior to the last time, and then the nerves of not being able to stay hard for the duration, could be stopping him from pursuing anything now. If it's him, not you, like he says, then you two need to communicate and find out why that is and what you can both do to improve the situation.

    Men do not like to 'fail' when it comes to their penis and he may be embarrassed about what happened on previous occasions and it has affected his confidence?

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Niikkie welcome to the forums.

    First of all don't panic . I ddon't think for a minute there is anything wrong with your relationship per se. It just needs the VA Va Voom or spark reigniting .I don't want to give you specific advice as that would be wrong of me as I don't know all the full facts . I can however relate to my own relationship and hope you can find something of what we went thorugh that could help you. Its also good to note that you both appear to have good communication with you already seeking medical help . So that is very good

    First of all you may need to make a mental checklist on your guy.

    You have already looked at possible medical issues ,so nothing there.

    others could include

    Alcohol - This inhibits testosterone . If he is only drinking the recommended amounts then that shouldn't be a problem .

    Stress- Need to check out that his work is OK and not bringing work home with him and there is nothing worrying. Some guys like myself are poor at switching off .

    Is he still stimulated by women ?- Watch a film together after the watershed and guage his reaction to semi naked women or bikini clad women

    Porn- Check out if you can if he is watching porn for stimulation . For example do you dissapear to bed before him leaving him with the PC,Tab or laptop ?

    You own wardrobe. - Is your wardrobe full of jeans and trousers ? More on that later

    Some guys on here think I have a Utopian style realtionship and perhaps I would say its nearly that but we have had to put a lot of work into it to get it near that way. We still have our ups and downs though but if you saw me and my Mrs in a pub behaving normally , you would say that we are very close and have had comments from our circle of friends like that.

    So I will now turn the clock back to nearly 3 years ago. We have always kissed but neither of us felt like or couldn't be bothered with sex. I have never been into porn as such but got sneaky stimulation from the adult channels ( hecles of naughty Mysteron in the background) yes I admit at the time visually, my Mrs didn't do anytrhing to visually stimiulate me. I am not very good at saying things softly but I say things as I see it. I took the Mrs upstairs and opened her wardrobe and then opened mine and compared . Apart from one dress that she handn't worn for some time it was full of trousers and jeans like mine. The penny dropped with her that she needed a wardrobe makeover. So she bought what I would call a sensible skirt with the hem line just above the knee ( no mini skirts here) and wore it a couple of times a week in the evening. That helped a little as she began to look like a woman again . She got her own back on me and said my shabby beard had to go . It did, but she does like a well maintained short beared on a guy and thats what I have today and they are very fashionable at the moment. So both of us did things to change and improve our appearance to each other and if youl like made us more sexually attractive to each other again . Things slowly began to improve in the evenings and we started to take an interest in each other again with cuddles and kisses but no sex yet. We started to go out for date nights together with dinner out on a Saturday and has her wardrobe improved and mine ! We started to dress to impress . In fact I got some dressing tips from the gals and some of the guys quite recenlty on here .After the nights out fuelled with a few alcoholic drinks the ritual of slowly underessing each other when we got back ensued . The wife has assembled a very large collection of lingerie as well during this time again another visual stimulant .So finally we got sex back on the menu but it didn't happen over night . I think it was about 8 months of slow improvments before things began returning to normality . in the evenings we are alwways touching each other ,cuddling and kissing and the occasional playful spank on her backside when she is bending over .

    3 years ago we would have sat at opppoiste ends of the sofa. Now I sit in the middle and she sits on one of the ends with her legs draped over my lap .So we spend majority of the time in contact with each other and idscuss any problems of day to day issues with each other. We now work as a partnershiip.We have also spiced the bedroom activities up since joining Lovehoney but thats another story.

    One final thing ,when, not if, you get things on track in the bedroom and eh still has a mild ED problem then place a cock ring or better still the vibrating version on him but talk about it first before you buy. Its something that helped me ,

    Good luck And I hope you find what I have posted helpful in someway.

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    pinkanimal [sign in to see picture]
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    Some interesting tips from mysteron.

    Actually some I need to take on board looking at my ensemble of treckies and hoodies lol.

    My hubby is a stubborn arse sometimes well actually we both are. We have been known to go to bed and wait for the other to make a move and when no one does we roll over and go to sleep!!

    Terrible I know.

    There's improvements to be made and we sometimes don't have sex more than once or twice a week.

    You need to have a talk with him. It's not you it's me doesn't cut it. He needs to be more expressive. Yeah I know getting men talking about this is difficult, mines the worst.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Something I wanted to add as well.

    You could compare a satisfying relationship to that of a long term investment. The more both parties put into it ,effort ,time romance etc the more you will get out of it.

    If a relationship hasn't been serviced properly then like an investment your arn't going to see much of a return .To remedy this an injection is sometimes needed to bring it back up on track ..

    Just a thought................

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    smirnoff09 [sign in to see picture]
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    MysteronI have to say excellent advice.

    I am in my second marriage, thrist relationship and feel I have been able to take all the rubbish that happened in my previous relationships to look partly at where things went wrong and try to make them never happen again and I feel the biggest mistake is just not spending time together out of the bedroom then expecting the bedroom magic to happen or not making an effort in our daily lives but expecting it the effort to be there in the bedroom.

    Stubborness is another killer I won’t because he won’t…this is part of what killed my last relationship.

    It could be for your hubby that the fear of it not working overrides everything else because he feels it won’t work anyway. Fear really does paralysis…

    So my advice is to step away from sex for a bit, spend time enjoying each other’s company.

    Don't feel it is about going back in time but move on, make new memories, have fun but most importantly take it a day at a time.

    When I met my husband it was tough as I had a 3year old and a 9-year-old and I was working full time and he lived 20 miles away.

    We did not want to rush my girls into meeting him so he came round when they were in bed, we met for lunch in-between working and the odd weekend I was child free we met up, all of this taught us it is not the amount of time you spend with someone but what you do in that time and for a long time sex was not it but it built fun, we got to know each other and built memories and the desire to want to spend time together and the ability to communicate with each other because the trust was ingrained in us as a couple.

    We have been married together 6 years and married for 3 yet still feel everything is fresh and good because we have never stopped the mini dates, lunch catch ups, texts or lunch break 30 second call etc which also results in amazing bedroom antics beause we both feel wanted, loved, needed and desired not sure for sex but for who we are.

    I fully agree about looking good for each other, I have to wear smart clothes for work but in our time I still make an effort. I will wear something I know he really likes on me for when he arrives home or on a weekend and he will do the same. These little things really do show the effort me make towards someone else.

    We know more about each other than I ever thought was possible to know about another person yet still learn something new all the time becuase we talk and listen to each other …

    I am not saying it is perfect but it is real and amazing in just the normality of being us.

    I wish you all the best x

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    Nikkie73 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank everyone very good advice. I know it won't happen over night. But he will have to meet me half way, I feel it just me moaning about looking up different ways to help it. I will let uz no how it all goes. Thanks very much everyone. Xx

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    Foxxy [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm sorry, but clothes shouldn't have anything to do with it, and it's horrible to imply that someone is doing something wrong if their partner doesn't want sex with them. Yes, clothes can be a turn on, but thankfully my OH would still want me if I wore a bin bag, because it's me he wants, not my threads!

    I'd certainly be looking at his stress levels and be asking if that could be a factor. Just because he's been checked as medically fit 'down there', doesn't mean there isn't a more physiological issue going on. Asking if he can maintain an erection for masturbation might help you, but remember that if he can, anxiety and performance worries may be causing him a problem, and please don't assume that it's in any way your fault.

    Talking is important, but try not to make him feel under pressure in any way, because this will likely have the opposite effect to what you'd like. Make time for no-sex intimacy, massages, tickles, cuddles ... anything that will help you to relax and enjoy each other

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Nikkie73 wrote:

    Thank everyone very good advice. I know it won't happen over night. But he will have to meet me half way, I feel it just me moaning about looking up different ways to help it. I will let uz no how it all goes. Thanks very much everyone. Xx

    Your welcome.

    Yes he will have to make some sort of an effort . Its not something you can completely do on your own ,but you may need to make allowances for compromises and so will he . Relationships are about the union of 2 people.

    GOOD LUCK x

    If you get stuck on a certain aspect then come back to us and ask away for ideas.

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    KitsiKiki [sign in to see picture]
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    Nikkie, although your hope may be flagging (and understandbly so), it's clear from the very fact you shared this with us that you have not given it up. Despite your title, it's also clear that you still have a core of self confidence- you have been and still are looking for the problems and the answers outside of your self, not giving in to the belief that there is something inherently undesireable about you or irreparable about his physical/mental/emotional state.

    I agree that stress, fear, loss of confidence and loss of intimacy are the top candidates. And that furthering communication between the two of you is going to play a significant role.

    Foxxy wrote:

    Talking is important, but try not to make him feel under pressure in any way, because this will likely have the opposite effect to what you'd like.

    This. A thousand times this. I know, because I'm the Equal and Opposite Reaction type- the harder you push me, the harder I push back. I have deep issues with expressing my thoughts and feelings (my throat physically starts closing sometimes when I try. I literally choke. Yes, I'm trying to get diagnosed- but I digress). If approached in an insensitive way, I retreat fast and far. I can feel cornered, exposed, and even under attack. And then it takes a long time for me to recover enough to broach the subject in question again.

    I doubt he's exactly like that, but I'm sure it goes for 'normal' people sometimes, too, even if to a lesser degree.

    Foxxy wrote:

    I'm sorry, but clothes shouldn't have anything to do with it, and it's horrible to imply that someone is doing something wrong if their partner doesn't want sex with them. Yes, clothes can be a turn on, but thankfully my OH would still want me if I wore a bin bag, because it's me he wants, not my threads!

    But while this is true (and it's my first instinct to rebel against the idea like Foxxy), once you get past the feeling of insult and think about it logically, it is a valid idea that our wardrobes can effect other aspects of our lives. And it doesn't have to be as shallow as it sounds. We often consider our preference in clothing to be a expression of ourselves. If we assume this is true of other people (though yes, assumption is a dangerous game and stereotypes abound) it's no wonder we often find ourselves attracted to someone's dress sense. And correct me if I'm wrong, but I think most people do have a 'look' or several that turns them on in other people, i.e. goth or sporty or formal or steampunk. And correct me if I'm wrong again, but I think that for most of us it's more than superficial; a recognition- or attribution- of certain personality traits and interests.

    When we desbribe someone we know, we tend to mention how they usually dress; especially if we find it unusual or attractive. Getting to know someone's style is often a part of getting to know the person as a whole. Just like learning their favourite bands or films. Because the reason WHY they like those things leads deeper inside.

    So if we change how we dress, whether suddenly or over time, it can foster feelings of alienation. Not on a superficial level, but because others may feel that they no longer know who we are or that they had the wrong idea about us to begin with or that they don't know where the time has gone- when did things start changing? Now, these reactions are almost certainly a result of- fitting back in with main theme- lack of communication and loss of intimacy. Then it can turn into a downward spiral.

    Now add the fact that we tend to associate things with other things. We tend to dress to impress at the beginnings of relationships. Beginnings of relationships are also the times we tend to go out the most and have lots of fun and new experiences. They're the times when we get those butterflies that Nikkie mentioned.

    So if you do take a look at your wardrobe and find that it has indeed changed, it is entirely possible that putting on something more like what you wore when your relationship was new, it could very well lodge a little coccoon in his belly and stir up those memories; remind him that you're the same person he fell in love with... only better!

    Remember that it doesn't have to be wholly a sacrifice. Relationships are give and take. So you can either only do it some of the time (and perhaps make sure he knows it's FOR him- that strokes the ego and/or triggers appreciation of effort) or find a style that is somewhere between Then and Now, more comfortable versions of your old style, etc...

    (And it's not necessarily a jeans vs skirts issue, either. Some people prefer the look of well-fit jeans ((or leggings or whatever)) because it emphasizes the bum.)

    I feel like this post is becoming something of a behemoth, but I still have a few thoughts, so I'm going to continue in a second post.

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    KitsiKiki [sign in to see picture]
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    mysteron wrote:

    Nikkie73 wrote:

    Thank everyone very good advice. I know it won't happen over night. But he will have to meet me half way, I feel it just me moaning about looking up different ways to help it. I will let uz no how it all goes. Thanks very much everyone. Xx

    Your welcome.

    Yes he will have to make some sort of an effort . Its not something you can completely do on your own ,but you may need to make allowances for compromises and so will he . Relationships are about the union of 2 people.

    GOOD LUCK x

    If you get stuck on a certain aspect then come back to us and ask away for ideas.

    Aye. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

    But hey... you could look at this Valentine's Day as an opportunity. As others have mentioned, take some time to spend some real time together without any sexual expectations; just relax and enjoy each other, bring up some old memories and then make some new ones. Reclaim your intimacy through talking, a shared hobby/interest, non-sexual physical contact, sensual and stress-relieving massage.

    I'm planning to do Arthur Aron's questions with my SO, either on or before Valentine's. You might consider trying it, too. It's supposed to enable an intimate channel of communication between any two people, increasing the likelihood of empathy and affection with each other.

    http://www.theplaidzebra.com/i-asked-a-stranger-these-36-questions-to-see-if-wed-fall-in-love-and-we-did/

    Good luck! xxx

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