• Dissapointed after sex

    1454096627
    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2845
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Sugarboobies you make such a good point here. If he is selfish and lazy in bed is he like this in other areas of the relationship? In any LTR there are ups and downs, but you need solid communication and a willing partner to get you out of the downs together. If your needs are not being met in bed and in other areas I hope you are able to find a way to work through it or the resentment will grow.

    1454101466
    Hanky Spanky! [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 367
    • Joined: 3 Jan 2016

    Try making things fun @ first. For example, take the pressure off the whole situation.

    Make a 'no intercourse' rule for a week or two and only play with different sex toys. He will feel a lot more relaxed & less pressure to have to perform. Then maybe eventually he will make the next step one night.

    It's a confidence thing and things will get better eventually.

    Then mix things up a bit... One night only play with each other and tell him this, and the next time proper sex.

    I hope this helps you a little and good luck.

    1454117042
    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 114
    • Joined: 11 Apr 2013

    For most of our relationship I was the main breadwinner. When I went on maternity leave that's how I realised that he was selfish with money also. He never asked how much clothes, baby essentials toys etc were when I needed to get stuff for the baby and it would annoy me to keep asking him to help pay for things as in the past I was so used to paying for everything which I guess has made him 'dependent' on me. When I finally cracked and told him he needs to be providing for HIS baby too and not just paying the bills (I pay the mortgage), he started paying his way. so I've really had to have stearn words with him to make him listen. I've taken a big pay cut to work part time and take care of our 1 year old, he works full time and I can understand he would be tired but then I have work too and the nature of my job means I can be working on my days off as well as looking after a demanding infant. I think I've been too soft on him as he's been through a lot with family bereavement (2 witthin a year), I didn't nag him to do things but as time went on I found he would always put his family's needs before me and the baby. They live abroad and are dependent on him but they don't have heavy expenses like we do. I'm trying to keep this concise as well as not give too much away incase I'm identifiable. I became very vocal about my concerns and told him he puts me first or I chuck him out. He'd always get defensive but it got through to him in the end. If I knew what I know now, I wouldn't have married him. I realised a lot of his selfishness after the birth but the selfishness in sex was before and thought it was getting better with time. I can't help but wonder what it would be like for someone to sweep me off my feet. I don't feel that he's really done that for me. Not in a long time anyway. I'm the one trying to fix the marriage but no effort from him. I thought we were getting somewhere a week or two ago but feel worse from it. I've suggested just playing many times but he says he'll want sex and doesn't want to just play. When we do play, he asks if I'm ready yet and so many times I say no and it's followed by crap foreplay so I give in. He said this evening that he ordered some enhancement pills but I told he should see a doctor but he got defensive again and said they can't do anything (he's never been to doc for these things even though he knows it's common). I told him I don't want sex now as I'm fed up of feel used. He really didn't have much to say, not even an apology. I'm going to resist sex now so he can work on getting me back on side. Zzzzzz

    1454145594
    hargan [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 6
    • Joined: 28 Feb 2012

    Hi, if he suffers from ED tell him he is not the only man who does though it seems it is. If he goes to his GP he could checked over. I was given the little blue pill beginning with v. I am saving for a quality penis extender that's on sale here. That could be an option if he cant take pills.Just remember that no man wants to fail in the trouser department so go gentle with the subject

    1454153393
    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 114
    • Joined: 11 Apr 2013

    I've told him countless times it's common and doctors have heard it many times so there's nothing to be embarrassed about. His immediate response is "no way". His penis isn't very hard and he'll come very quickly. If he lasts a bit longer, there isn't much thrusting, but I'll ask him to slow down if he goes too fast but by then he's cum. I've suggested that he pulls out when he's about to, but he puts his needs first. It's been going on for over 6 years and for at least the first two sex really hurt for me as I didn't know how to relax so a very short time of intercourse was fine for me then. Part of the problem is his sex drive so it's his Testosterone levels that need checking, as suggested. I want him initiate sex more often and not just a few kisses and a fuck. He knows what to do as I keep telling him, he's just lazy and thinks foreplay is unnecessary and that I don't need to orgasm (will order that Lou Paget book for him). It'll take time to get his head around seeing the doctor I think. I think I just need some space and gently point him towards the suggestions you guys have given when HE's ready to talk about it as they're great, so thank you all.

    1454155226
    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 114
    • Joined: 11 Apr 2013

    Just wanted to say I feel a bit better today talking to you all, putting across my frustrations as I've bottled it up for too long x

    1454155503
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2748
    • Joined: 6 Jun 2014

    He sounds like a very selfish man. I don't really have much additional advice but I think you could do with going to couples counselling, maybe If a professional told him that he has to consider your needs too then he would listen?

    1454165545

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1375
    • Joined: 4 Dec 2013

    You could start pleasing yourself massively with toys and 'casually' leaving them all around your house for him to see. If he mentions anything about them, you could just reply, "well those things please me, you don't" - this should wake him up... It is rude, but might be effective. He sounds utterly selfish, sorry to say.

    1454189653
    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 11367
    • Joined: 20 Aug 2014

    I don't want to offend you or upset you as I do feel sorry for you bit if my partner constantly complained that they weren't satisfied and I wasn't 'doing it right' I wouldn't want to initiate sex of do it very much either. I appreciate that you're feeling very unsatisfied and unfulfilled but I'm not sure that constantly telling him that is going to make him try harder.....I imagine it would have the opposite effect.

    Sometimes I just go over to my oh during the evening, unzip him, suck him off, lick him clean, do him back up, give him a kiss and go back to my chair and watch TV. I don't get or expect anything in return.....that's not why I do it. I do it for him, to give him pleasure. Have you tried just pleasing him sometimes without expecting anything in return. Maybe he'd really like that and find it a huge turn on. Ok....you may or may not get anything in return.....that time but perhaps in the future ....maybe you would.

    I'm guilty of being a bit demanding at times and I often have to remind myself that it's not about just what I want. I'm sorry if this comes across as harsh or unsympathetic, that's not my intention at all but I am ALWAYS honest and I do say what I think.

    The ultimate aim in any relationship is for you both to be happy and this usually involves compromise from both parties xx

    1454194341
    susan50 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 63
    • Joined: 5 Nov 2015

    rainbowbaby wrote:

    Just wanted to say I feel a bit better today talking to you all, putting across my frustrations as I've bottled it up for too long x

    I'm pleased it's helping to talk. I think I would be ordering some lovely expensive toys for myself, if I were you...

    1454198603
    Miss Pussycat [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 164
    • Joined: 26 Dec 2009

    I often feel like this, maybe I am greedy, but just don't get enough from sex with my husband. I have never been unfaithful to him but thr temptation is there.

    1454208970
    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 114
    • Joined: 11 Apr 2013

    We've just had a long chat. It wasn't confrontational but we both got our points across. He brought it up first which is a start. He showed me the supplements he's ordered and said if they don't work that he will go to the doctor, no ifs or buts about it. He said he felt really guilty about what happened that night. I hope this is the start of him taking control of this situation and not leave me to deal with it each time.

    I said that it's important to help me reach climax and that he needs to spend more time with foreplay and not be selfish to fulfil his own needs. He's ordered the book Mysteron suggested. I explained that what was fun for us years ago doesn't satisfy us now so we need to change things if this marriage is to survive. I explained how I've felt used in the past and that its not how I want to spend the rest of my life feeling. He said that he's willing to give couples counselling a go too. The bottom line from me was that I won't be making the first move now. Terri JJ, it's really good advice, not offended. I have tried in the past with small gestures of pleasure but he's always been an all or nothing guy and not let me do these things if he couldn't have sex there and then. I explained that we don't have to have sex as the end goal. We need to spend more time with play. I hope it's not all words from his part.

    Thanks once again each and every one of you, it's helped me to talk to him and vice versa. Will let you know how we get on x

    1454211266
    smirnoff09 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 553
    • Joined: 22 Apr 2010

    I wish you both all the best....communication is the key and it is great uou have started on this.

    Dates times be it in the day or evening are vital as being together and enjoying each others company really i where a good sex life starts.

    X

    1454251089
    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1472
    • Joined: 16 Feb 2015

    rainbowbaby wrote:

    We've just had a long chat. It wasn't confrontational but we both got our points across. He brought it up first which is a start. He showed me the supplements he's ordered and said if they don't work that he will go to the doctor, no ifs or buts about it. He said he felt really guilty about what happened that night. I hope this is the start of him taking control of this situation and not leave me to deal with it each time.

    I said that it's important to help me reach climax and that he needs to spend more time with foreplay and not be selfish to fulfil his own needs. He's ordered the book Mysteron suggested. I explained that what was fun for us years ago doesn't satisfy us now so we need to change things if this marriage is to survive. I explained how I've felt used in the past and that its not how I want to spend the rest of my life feeling. He said that he's willing to give couples counselling a go too. The bottom line from me was that I won't be making the first move now. Terri JJ, it's really good advice, not offended. I have tried in the past with small gestures of pleasure but he's always been an all or nothing guy and not let me do these things if he couldn't have sex there and then. I explained that we don't have to have sex as the end goal. We need to spend more time with play. I hope it's not all words from his part.

    Thanks once again each and every one of you, it's helped me to talk to him and vice versa. Will let you know how we get on x

    This is good, do you feel better about it? Give it time, I wouldn't expect things to suddenly change over night, by the sounds of things, there are huge changes to be made so don't be disheartened if it doesn't all happen at once.

    1454251583
    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 11367
    • Joined: 20 Aug 2014

    Sounds as though steps in the right direction are being made. Well done to both of you for sitting down, talking and listening to each other.

    Just keep in mind that occassionally some men do just like a 'quickie'. If hes going to try supplements, ordering a book and is willing to try counselling to make sure you're being satisfied then he deserves something that he likes too xx

    1454252701
    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 114
    • Joined: 11 Apr 2013

    I'm keeping an open mind with everything and although he was reluctant buying the book at first because he said he won't have time to read it, I just said that I didn't expect him to read it overnight or anything miraculous to happen in a short space of time and that he can take his time. I'm hoping from this he is able to tell me what he likes and when to as so far he hasn't really been into anything. I'm feeling better about things, and hope he's a bit more enthusiastic about things outside of the bedroom too ie suggesting date nights, things to do together as a family etc as I told him I hated being the one to take charge all the time, or him not being involved as much with the little one outdoors (refuses to take our boy out anywhere with us, even for a stroll, making weather an excuse) as most things are left to me. Small changes a bit at a time x

    1454253586
    MysticalMayhem [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1165
    • Joined: 19 Jan 2015

    If I suddenly jump my OH it usually ends in a resounding "no thanks" he suffers from depression and OCD, which affects our sex life greatly. He's not the longest lasting man in the world but he's not the shortest either. If it ends suddenly, I'm like "awwww" and make a little giggle out of it, rather than put him down and tell him I'm not satisfied.

    I must admit, I can be very demanding myself, but at the end of it all, we are a team and we work together to have a great relationship as well as sex life.

    I've been offended in the past when he's repeatedly turned me down or lasted a minute or so. But that's in the past, we've learned to talk more. I find it hard to talk about feelings and likes/dislikes so for me it's a big step.

    Also, I find that some men just don't know any different!! There are a select few that think a wham-bam, thank you mam will be enough and that's how they've been wired in the brain. And if they've continued to think this, it gets ingrained in and becomes the norm. Once you've talked things through and had a few experiments and trials of different things, it may start to improve.

    For me, if I knew my OH had a problem with coming too soon and he refused to go to his GP, I would probably respect that and give him time, but also do some research and try and help him myself at home. Taking control for a start, put on a show for him, show him how to please you.
    For example, get him to sit/lie somewhere, give him a little bit of attention, then make him watch you play with yourself, get on top of him, then you control the pace. Recognise the signs on an orgasm coming and stop, get off, play some more, then get back on again. Hopefully, the sensuality of you being intimate with both him and yourself will help the bond and also show him that it's not all about coming, the build up can be amazing too.

    You could also look into tantric sex. We've tried it but I couldn't get on with it.

    It's just trial and error really. Every relationship should be tested to see how tight your bond is. Myself and my partner have been through so so so much over the 15 years we've been together and we are stronger than ever.

    It's taken me a long time to see that communicating is the best thing a couple can do. Especially for us, he's a stubborn monkey and I'm just embarrassed about everything I do, so if we can do it, anyone can!

    1454255150
    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 114
    • Joined: 11 Apr 2013

    Thanks Mystical Mayhem, it's nice to read another couple's perspective. I think I just need to stick to my guns with the lead up as especially when I dress up, he just wants to take it off quick. I'll just have to tell him to wait. Think tying up his hands seems a good idea :-)

    1454272361
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5934
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    rainbowbaby wrote:

    Thanks Mystical Mayhem, it's nice to read another couple's perspective. I think I just need to stick to my guns with the lead up as especially when I dress up, he just wants to take it off quick. I'll just have to tell him to wait. Think tying up his hands seems a good idea :-)

    That's a good idea tease him as well .Perhaps do a very very slow striptease but keep everything on your terms.

    Good luck x

    1454272954
    MysticalMayhem [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1165
    • Joined: 19 Jan 2015

    I've just recently, only just, managed to get a collar on my OH. Usually it's me that's the submissive. So it's proof that things can change for the better 😉

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.