• Dissapointed after sex

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    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm probably too demanding but I'm just fed up of having sex now. It seems to have been the case for a long time (4 or 5 years). He doesn't last long and doesn't seem to acknowledge he might be selfish or have a medical problem. I seem to always make the first move with sex and it's making me feel like shit. He'll last for about a minute or two. He's convinced that's normal and doesn't take into consideration that I have needs and maybe I want an orgasm too. I'm the one that suggests trying out new things and it's always at my financial expense. I've tried China brush on him in the past, we always use condoms (only stopped when trying for a baby), delay condoms, and they seemed to make sex last a little bit longer. We had a break from sex for almost a year after I had a baby but initially when I got back into sex it felt good but it seems like as I get used to it I want a bit more. I've bought herbal enhancers for him (he took one a few weeks ago and it didn't work, one more left and don't want to waste it when he's not even bothered about sex even though he says he is). Recently tried a cock ring which was ok but today he refused to use it, convincing me he'll be able to last longer (it's made me think that maybe he just cums on purpose). He used delay cream though (he put too much on past time and made him lose his erection. He used a smaller amount today but obviously didn't make a difference. I've bought a bullet vibrator for myself which gave me an orgasm instantly. I used it in front of him and he didn't care, showed no interest. I've got work in the morning but instead I'm upset and writing on here because there's no one else to talk to. I've tried talking to him but I can't seem to get it into his head that I want to feel satisfied. Why am I the one suggesting ways to make it better when he should try to take control too? I feel like cheating on him and just want to say it to him to see his reaction. Maybe I'm the selfish one in all this. I'm sick of looking like the one that needs sex. just wanted to know if anyone else has been through the same? I can't help but show anger towards him for at least a few days as talking to him doesn't help matters. I even suggested for him to go to the doctor but he outright refused and thought it was a stupid idea.

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh goodness I am so so sorry. You have 2 issues going on here 1. Potential medical issues such as a testosterone deficiency or the like and 2. The communication and resentment in the relationship.

    Have you been able to talk to him when your calm?

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    zombifiedguy [sign in to see picture]
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    You can vent anything here and im sure you will get alot if advice from people.
    Theres nothing wrong with having a high sex drive and you shouldnt feel bad for being that way.
    I can understand your frustrations.

    As a guy i would guess your partner is embarrassed by the situation and is choosing ignorance to be bliss.
    He is probably really unhappy about it on the inside but doesnt feel he can do anything about it.
    Alot of it is psychological and if he isnt willing to face it then getting through it will be difficult.

    Have you tried more foreplay so you are on the verge of climax before sex.
    Hope you find some helpful advice and good luck

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    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for your replies, it's very comforting to read. I did write a really long ranty response again but my phone died so I've saved you from reading an essay again lol.

    I've talked to him calmly and eventually he agreed to talk to the doctor but that never happened. He wanted to see if the doctor could refer him to get his tongue tie divided (he has other problems from it but he noticed it more when he realised I didn't enjoy him going down on me. I just asked him to stop, I weren't horrible about it like I am with him today. We're both new to oral sex). I will try suggesting a doctor again once I'm calm or see what he says himself. Think I've chanced it with 'things we could try' for too long that it ends with me feeling rubbish. Think I'll just keep myself happy with a vibrator for now and throw myself at him and receiving very little as a result. I do have a doctors appointment later today so think I will mention something about crap sex as long as I don't start crying.

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    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
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    The bottom paragraph should read 'and NOT throw myself at him'

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    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
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    He'd rather just have sex and turn over go to sleep. Foreplay doesn't do much for me anymore though I insist for more. He's doesn't persevere long enough and I've said to him that I'd like him to do x y z but it's just really quick and not much passion going into it. Almost like he just wants it over and done with. It's happened so many times but I forgot about it during a long sexless gap 12 months post birth. We had sex very rarely past 7 months post birth but it hurt so much. When we gave it a go in the new year I really enjoyed it and told him that. As a result I kept wanting it and the only thing that stopped me was a UTI. Not quite sure why it feels like a chore for him. I like dressing up and said I'll dress up today but he just wanted clothes off straight away. He's never shown interest in pleasing me during sex or even just casually in the living room. I think he likes sex as long as he gets what he wants.

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    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh and I always suggest going on dates, going out etc. I've suffered from PND (probably still am) and he didn't really show much empathy towards me whenever I'd mention I'm run down, no sleep etc. He does help out more now but I still can't talk to him about how I feel as he just says 'I know' but had never once said he's there for me if I want to talk. Sorry it's starting to sound like several issues now.

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    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
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    Just to clarify the last part of my first post. For a long time he's refused to go to the doctor. Only recently he eventually agreed after much persuasion but then thinks there's nothing wrong again if you see what I mean, so he doesn't feel a need to see a doctor about potential hormone problems/ED/PE etc

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Can I kindly ask what ages you both are?

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    missyO [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to hear you're having such a bad time. Has your relationship always been this way?
    The only thing I can suggest is couples therapy, it seems like there are a few issues. x

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    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
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    Late 20s, early 30s.

    I'll look into couples therapy as this is something that really needs repairing before it's too late. Thanks everyone x

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    MysticalMayhem [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you tried writing your feelings down and letting him read them? You may be able to put it into written words a lot easier than talking. He might sit up and take notice? Xx

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    [suspended user]

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    Sorry to hear you're having all these issues. I'm sorry to be so straightforward about it, but I think he is utterly selfish. He doesn't seem to care or put the effort in, and that is not how a relationship should work. I would talk to him, and if he doesn't listen, I would write. If you still can't get thru to him, even by maybe showing him this thread where you've poured your heart out to strangers, I'd definitely think you need outside help, like therapy. And if that doesn't work, I would probably leave... Resentment can lead to some serious unhappiness in a family for all parties involved, children included.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    The only thing I can rule out is ED as this seem to be the opposite problem ie coming to soon.

    I can see that your sex drives are possibley mismatched your being mutch higher than his .So your demands are going to be much higher and that is expected .

    He could have a hormononal problem ie lack of Testosterone . Alcohol consumption is an enemy of Testosterone .There are so many factors that it could be

    Just wondering if part of your foreplay he could stimulate you with toys or fingers and bring you to orgasm that way. It could even be just lack of tecnique .

    There is a book I can recommend if he is prepared to read it and its still in print and this book is my bible. You only need to ask my Mrs how good this book is !

    "How to give her Absolute Pleasure " by Lou Paget

    Its a book written for men by a woman and it taught me lots of things like sending my Mrs to to moon and back by the use of fingers only. Its not expensive but it could show him many things including good old fashioned romance. There are no glossy pictutres in it which can just be a distraction at times but there are detailed sketches and diagrams including that of female anatomy .I can't recommend it enough .

    I think your hardest task will be probably in convincing him to read it but I think it would help .

    Good luck

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    The Odd Couple [sign in to see picture]
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    PC muscle exercises are the best way to approach the problem, should it be a physcial one.

    Essentially, it is tightening up the Pubococcygeus muscle (located between your plums and your sphincter) and this is achieved by clenching the whole area (combination squeezing your bumhole shut and contracting your testicles) holding them in for about 5-10 seconds at a time, reps of about 10-15 times. You can do them anywhere, as are very discrete. Things will improveme, but you have to stick with it until they do.

    They are pretty much the same thing that women use to tighten things up after childbirth, but they can work wonders for premature ejaculation. I started them as a precautionary measure as a teen, and I haven't had a problem since.

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    rainbowbaby [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think it's always been like this, he's just become more selfish as time has gone by. I can't remember though the last time he initiated anything. I will write it down as whenever I talk about it he gets very defensive. But for now I'm just going to ignore him and see if he realises for himself or if he's just oblivious. I'm too upset. By then I would have written down what I want to say. It's up to him if he can be bothered reading it. I'll buy the book once I'm mentally with it. As a last resort I will call the whole marriage quits if he doesn't sort himself out. I've got a number for counselling which I'll use to talk to someone as a first step. It's long overdue x

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    I dont really know how to say this but, from the sounds of it, theres nothing medically wrong with him, he just lacks skill and interest in gaining skill. have you tried refusing sex? its not something i ussually recomend but if he asks for it say "whats in it for me?" or "you just get me riled up and dont finish me off" he needs to know he cant just take his pleasure without giving you pleasure. tell him straight it's not fair. does he wantch porn? maybe watch it together and play it out together. or you could go on top, take control. does he go hard and fast? if so, tell him that he gets bigger and better orgasms if he lasts longer, tell him everytime he wants to orgasm to stop and he'll get a massive explosion, maybe that'll get his interst

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    missyO [sign in to see picture]
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    There's a charity called Relate that deal with all sorts of relationship issues, I'm pretty sure they have face to face services available in most cities too. I hope things get better for you. x

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    pusseypleaser [sign in to see picture]
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    Would you say that he is a selfish person?

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    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    I got so upset reading your post, I can 110% relate to how you're feeling and can really hear how much this is upsetting you. I am 23 and my OH is early 30's too, so kind of similar to your ages.

    Firstly, what is the situation like outside of bed/sex? Obviously you have talked to him about things, has he said anything else about anything you've suggested? How long has he been like this?

    What is your situation? You're married I can see, are kids involved? Are you financially tied in a way where either of you are frightened to leave the marriage because of money? (I've been through all of this with my OH lately) Unfortunatley I think different sex drives are one of the biggest issues I read on here, and the one with the higher drive is usually always the one who is sacrificing the most.

    Definatley seek out some councelling, it sounds as though there is resentment in your relationship which over time will only get worse. In all honesty, I don't think trying to push MORE sex will help the situation, I think first he needs to truly recognize there is a problem(s) first before anything else can get better. It's hard though, because you cannot help someone who will not help themselves first. Please always feel free to rant to us, we are all here and there is always someone giving great advice. These guys have helped me hugely with problems with sex in my relationship.

    Hope this helps, and you're trying to stay sane. Sending positivity to you x

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