• Ideas/tips for how to be dominant with a male partner

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    Beedra [sign in to see picture]
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    ...and still get off!

    My boyfriend has said that he likes it when I take control. If I put on lingerie, tease him a bit and then tell him what I want him to do to me before I eventually climb on/go down to finish him off, he's happy, basically. He also enjoys a little anal play (ie a lubed finger).

    Problem is, I'm a natural sub (if you can really use that term in something so relatively vanilla) so although I am keen to learn how to be dominant, I need some tips on what to do so that I can still get maximum enjoyment - especially since it takes me so much longer to come than it takes him.

    I also could just do with some ideas in general. There's only so many times you can do the same 'moves' before you feel like you're performing a routine!

    We're not into spanking/pain and he doesn't like strokers. Other than that, toys, blindfolds and wrist cuffs are all available to us.

    Ideas?

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    AsYouWish! [sign in to see picture]
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    Tie him down and then get yourself going with him watching but unable to touch. You can be sat astride using toys etc. Then you will be teasing but also getting yourself close. He can join in at the last minute or for round two.

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    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
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    I would love tips on this too! I recently asked on the pander to me thread for a how to be a dominant book but had no response :(

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    Beedra [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks, AYW, that's a good idea that I hadn't really considered. If it takes me a while to come though, should I just leave him there watching or is there something else I can be doing/saying to keep him stimulated?

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    I think your friend here is the Bondage Boutique under the bed restraint system form Lovehoney.Once you get him restrained to the bed ,he can't touch you and perhaps blindfold him as well. Then just tease him with toys,iceplay ,a flogger (not to hit with but to drag over his body ) pin wheels ,body wands . The list is endless .

    You can also be really mean if you want to .Just pour some ice water on a jug from a height over his body and watch the reaction! You can also tease him be hedging him if you know were is cut off point is so to speak .I recommend if you intend using icey water or any other type of liquid is to think ahead a little and consider placing a large towel on the bed before you start.

    You could look more imposing if you did something about your image as well. Leather corset ,cat suite etc but keep it black

    I know you said you both arn't into spanking and as a reluctant spanker myself I know its not for everyone.. However do consider getting a riding crop for image purposes and use it as a pointer to rehinforce your orders for when you want him to do something like undress for you , You can also use it just to torment and stroke his body with it. Spanking implements do have their other uses sometimes you just have to think outside the box a bit.

    Language if you want you could get him to call you "mistress" or "miss"

    Just a few ideas for you .

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    VioletWolf [sign in to see picture]
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    Think Subby_Hubby_Maid is the man to ask for this one! Shame we can't tag people in!

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    AsYouWish! [sign in to see picture]
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    There is loads you can do to get him going but that will not help you unless the act of playing with him turns you on.
    If you need help to get you going you need to play yourself. You can have him hold a toy in his mouth just use one really close to him. Just talk while you are playing.... "I bet you would love to be able to.... Etc"

    With any luck you will both be seriously turned on!

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    Beedra [sign in to see picture]
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    Ooh I love the idea of a crop for image purposes! Thanks mysteron, those are some really interesting ideas.

    AsYouWish, "I bet you would love to be able to..." is exactly the sort of phrase I need to be using! Thanks :) I'd not have thought of that: this stuff just doesn't come naturally to me (yet)

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    AsYouWish! [sign in to see picture]
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    If you are naturally sub you could do the same with him as dom on a different day. He would probably give you ideas by doing the sort of thing that he likes but to you.

    Another idea is tie him up and tease by telling him you have bought a chastity device. This is how he will be all the time from now on. This is one last session before you lock him up. He better get good at oral if he wants to be released etc...

    You don't need to lock him up but it will get him thinking!

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    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    You might get a few ideas from my blog...
    subsmissives.wordpress.com

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    Beedra [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Sum Sub, I'll admit I've read your reviews before but not your actual posts until now. I love your writing style and I appreciate being able to see what's enjoyable from the man's perspective. It's a really interesting insight into a proper Dom/sub world.

    You're way more hardcore than we are though, and he'd be so pissed if I teased that much and didn't let him come! Haha :)

    I'll have a good read through though, maybe I'll be able to find some inspiration in there.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Beedra wrote:

    Ooh I love the idea of a crop for image purposes! Thanks mysteron, those are some really interesting ideas.

    AsYouWish, "I bet you would love to be able to..." is exactly the sort of phrase I need to be using! Thanks :) I'd not have thought of that: this stuff just doesn't come naturally to me (yet)

    Ok i'll give you some ideas of how to use the riding crop and setting the scene a little.

    IMO a lot of about domination in the bedroom is a lot to do with the mind and how you can control it. . So visuals are important and its "not what you do but the way that you do it" . I think thats a Banararama song from the 80's !

    i hope this will be gentle enough for you .

    First of all to set the scene black lingerie is a must IMO .White with perhaps a black robe may work.

    The key visual ( badge of office if you prefer) and correction instrument is the Riding Crop . As you are not going to be using it as a backside hitting instrument then perhaps an intermediate one would look better against the Butterfly one we use .Available from Lovehoney

    So at the moment your in the bedroom and you have your black lingerie on and your riding crop .A tip make sure you put the leather safety strap around your wrist so it can't be knocked out of your hand so easy.

    When your in the bedroom everytime you state a command use the riding crop and point at him when your say it. It could be a simple command like "Undress and jump on the bed"

    If for example he is taking his time undressing you can give him a gentle tap with the riding crop to remind him to hurry up and who is the boss. There is no pain involved here.

    When you start teasing him when he is laid on the bed with either your hands or toys, his normal reaction will be to try and touch you . He's a man and wants your body. However your going to deny him this pleasure, right ? Your in charge not him, so again with the Riding crop just tap back of his hand and say "Naughty Don't touch!"

    Keep on treasing him stroke his body as you normally would do . Again if he trys to touch you this time say something like " Did I give you permission ? " And again tap the back of his hands but perhaps a little firmer but still gently with the Riding Crop. This again is to remind him who is in charge here.

    I will leave it upto you how long you prolong his denial of him touching you and you teasing him .

    The principle is quite easy .

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