• starting to feel un wanted!

    1450133807
    bonjohn [sign in to see picture]
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    When me and my girlfriend first meet the honeymoon period was great. Sex,teasing,flirting,deep soulful conversations, fun together. Etc
    And now after 8yrs and 2 kids it's all gone dead.
    Now I'm a really horny and randy guy (always) and so was the OH untill the kids came along which don't get me wrong I can 10000% understand and respect why.

    Its just now after 2yrs after the 2nd child being born nothing has changed with her. I no it takes time after childbirth for her to be comfortable again and her body to be back to normal and I always try to compliment her on how sexy she looks and how I still feel and see her as did them 8yrs ago but nothing helps.
    Ive tried talking to her about our sex life and asking things like what can I do or we do or for her to do to help the situation but she says nothing.
    Ive tried buying sexy underwear or night wear that I like (which she dont seem to) so i buy stuff that she likes.Ive even brought a threw toys for her to get in the mood which I try to suggest she or we both use, but still nothing helps.
    I ve being romantic with just talking or kissing her and massages trying to relax her and get her in the mood (must add all the above is with no added pressure on her from me)
    Tried just forplay only which she dont really like but won't return any favours regardless, even thou she nows how I feel and what I need.dont even get the bday/xmas treat bj.

    Im now at my witts end I don't no what to do I've gave up even trying anymore I think to myself whats the point

    Any advice from u guys would be nice. (Been good to even get it off my chest,so anyone like talking let me no it always helps me)

    1450134138
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Being honest I can't see anything obvious that you are doing wrong.

    I would seek professional help to try and get to the bottom of it.

    1450134335
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
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    I think I may have had the same problem after my second son was born. My partner tried everything to bring my sex drive back and occasionally I would do it for him but really I would have rather just slept or painted my nails.
    I had got bored of it. The problem with all the suggestions he was making was that it wasn't getting me excited. I needed to discover something for myself that got me interested in sex again.
    I would suggest introducing her to lovehoney. Let her browse on her own. Encourage any ideas she has. Don't make any suggestions just let her lead the way completely. Nothing turned me off more then feeling like I was doing it for him and not for me.
    Good luck x

    1450134800
    Buzzing Butt [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh Bonjohn,

    That's my situation completely. Timescales a bit different, but outcome just the same.

    Me ..... I've practically given up. Still try from time to time but just get brushed off ...... and none too sympathetically either. Just don't understand why. There are still things she could do for me without getting to the sweaty grindy bit.

    I've resorted to toys, but these are no real substitute.

    I guess that professional help will only work if she accepts there is a problem, which she probably won't.

    So, should an opportunity arise for some discrete no-strings sex then I will be grabbing it with both hands.

    1450135262
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    As regards professional help it goes without saying that she would have to agree as they would interview both parties.If she cares about your relationship then she should agree.Perhaps it's something you could discuss over a meal out.

    I certainly wouldn't leave things as they are as both of you will become unhappy about your relationship with possibly all the problems that could bring.

    Good luck

    1450138960
    bonjohn [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi thanks for the replies. As for what vanilla _kink said I have tried that. I gave her the site and said you have £50 to buy anything u want to ,don't show me just purches it and wait till its delivered but she said ......"nothanks" :(

    As for professional help I no straight away the answer will be no. We try going out once a month for a "date night" and sometimes we do talk about it but nothing ever comes on it.

    I just keep thinking to myself is it just me and I just toooo randy too much?
    I would even love to both lay naked and sleep wrapped up in one another (i always sleep naked anyway)but she's not comfortable being naked so that a no too

    Feel like I need to let some steam off somewhere else but I no i really don't wanna or even should (if that makes sense )

    1450139135
    bex1213 [sign in to see picture]
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    Professional help is good advice. I can't say that I've experienced this personally, but when my friends have gone through this kind of thing, that seems to be the last option.

    If she's not interested in that then you need to reevaluate what's most important and sometimes an unhappy marriage is as damaging to kids as divorce. Lose lose if she's not willing to budge.

    Be careful going to other people for sex though. Discrete or no if she finds out it could be absolutely devastating for all involved.

    Also, suggesting she takes a look at lovehoney is a great idea! Particularly since a lot of the products are marketed for a woman's eye and therefore not overly intimidating with XXX type photos and models.

    Sorry it's so rubbish for you.x

    1450139188
    bex1213 [sign in to see picture]
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    bex1213 wrote:

    Professional help is good advice. I can't say that I've experienced this personally, but when my friends have gone through this kind of thing, that seems to be the last option.

    If she's not interested in that then you need to reevaluate what's most important and sometimes an unhappy marriage is as damaging to kids as divorce. Lose lose if she's not willing to budge.

    Be careful going to other people for sex though. Discrete or no if she finds out it could be absolutely devastating for all involved.

    Also, suggesting she takes a look at lovehoney is a great idea! Particularly since a lot of the products are marketed for a woman's eye and therefore not overly intimidating with XXX type photos and models.

    Sorry it's so rubbish for you.x

    Posted this before your reply. Damn.

    1450139758
    bonjohn [sign in to see picture]
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    It's not that I wanna go to other ppl for sex. Its the sexual nature of it that I was more heading towards ie flirting teasing etc. I dont think I could ever slept with anyone behind her back that's not right.

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    xxxPhoenix72 [sign in to see picture]
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    What does she say about it? Does she recognise that there's a problem? Does she ever tell you how she feels about it?

    It's sometimes worth remembering the old cliches - A man needs sex to feel loved, a woman needs to feel loved to have sex

    Don't cheat, please. That's a shitty thing to do to anyone, no matter how justified you may feel in doing so. If it's got that bad, then leave. As others have said, an unhappy marriage/home is as damaging to children as a divorce.

    1450140279
    bonjohn [sign in to see picture]
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    Like i said I no i would never cheat. And she nows there's a problem and that's about as far as she goes with it......

    1450140618
    xxxPhoenix72 [sign in to see picture]
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    Tough one..... you really need to find out how she feels about the problem, how much importance she places on it.

    As I'm sure you know (and she knows) sex and intimacy is relationship glue, sex may only be 10% of a good relationship, but if it's bad, it's 90% of the problem.

    Are you friendly with any of her girl friends? Is she aware of how desperate you are to sort things out? I understand from what you've said that you're handling it very respectfully and not putting pressure on, but sometimes you need to emphasise just how bad you're feeling about things in order for something to change.

    1450141085
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
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    bonjohn wrote:

    Hi thanks for the replies. As for what vanilla _kink said I have tried that. I gave her the site and said you have £50 to buy anything u want to ,don't show me just purches it and wait till its delivered but she said ......"nothanks" :(

    As for professional help I no straight away the answer will be no. We try going out once a month for a "date night" and sometimes we do talk about it but nothing ever comes on it.

    I just keep thinking to myself is it just me and I just toooo randy too much?
    I would even love to both lay naked and sleep wrapped up in one another (i always sleep naked anyway)but she's not comfortable being naked so that a no too

    Feel like I need to let some steam off somewhere else but I no i really don't wanna or even should (if that makes sense )

    If she's not comfortable naked then maybe it's a confidence thing? I suffered with post natal depression with one of my kids and part of it was a lack of sex drive. Could it be this? Be sneaky and put on a movie with a very hot sex scene in it? See if that has any effect on her. She does need to respect your needs. I know it reached a stage for me where I had to choose between letting my man get his pleasures elsewhere or finding a way I could enjoy sex myself again. Since returning to lovehoney my sex drive has increased. Not immensely but I'm getting there. Does she have pleasure time on her own by the way?
    1450141201
    Vanilla_Kink [sign in to see picture]
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    xxxPhoenix72 wrote:

    Tough one..... you really need to find out how she feels about the problem, how much importance she places on it.

    As I'm sure you know (and she knows) sex and intimacy is relationship glue, sex may only be 10% of a good relationship, but if it's bad, it's 90% of the problem.

    Are you friendly with any of her girl friends? Is she aware of how desperate you are to sort things out? I understand from what you've said that you're handling it very respectfully and not putting pressure on, but sometimes you need to emphasise just how bad you're feeling about things in order for something to change.

    +1 on making sure she's aware of how this is effecting you. I've no doubt it has a big impact on your self confidence.
    1450141421
    Shazha [sign in to see picture]
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    Apart from sex is your relationship still a good one or do you think you've grown apart in other ways?

    1450143242
    xxxPhoenix72 [sign in to see picture]
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    Shazha wrote:

    Apart from sex is your relationship still a good one or do you think you've grown apart in other ways?

    +1 hadn't thought to investigate that

    1450145010
    Eager-2-Please [sign in to see picture]
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    I have a similar situation - although no kids - but there's medical issues that aren't exactly under her control. It doesn't help with the feelings of inadequateness, though. I go through cycles of resentment (why don't you want me? why isn't our sex life as much of a priority to you as it is to me? etc) and self-loathing (it's my fault, not hers, I'm a bad husband for blaming her, I'm a horrible person for thinking about other women to fulfil my lustful cravings, etc).

    I've spoken to her several times about how I feel and she knows that I'm getting depressed over it. She's recognised that her ignoring the issue it both damaging her own health and the health of our otherwise fantastic relationship. She's been going to the doctors and we have another appointment this week. Now the balls rolling and that's given me some new hope. Honestly, that's half the battle right there - getter her to accept that there's a problem that needs to be addressed.

    That's where I feel you are at the moment. You need to have a sit down and a nice long chat about how you're feeling. Remind her (in a non-agressive, non-judgemental way - don't make this an attack on her) about everything you've done and tried in order to improve the situation, that you value your physical relationship and want to reconnect with her intimately again as you want to repair the emotional rift that's formed. Explain to her that you love her and will do anything to fix things, but that you need her help to do it. She needs to see that it's both of your responsibilities, she needs to comit and make you and your relationship a priority the same as you've been doing. To meet you half way in order for things to work.

    If she's completely unwilling to try and salvage the physical relationship in any way, shape or form... then I believe you have two options to place on the table. Either a) she agrees to an open/poly relationship, allowing you to get your physical needs/fulfilment met from others, or b) (if she's unwilling to do that) you separate.

    It's a tough call, I know. But staying together as you are, or resorting to lies and cheating, will result in greater harm for all involved - both you and the kids.

    I wish you good luck and all the best.

    1450170738
    jackjohn [sign in to see picture]
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    Are you able to get away as a couple without the kids? Maybe a weekend version of your date night in a hotel. Having kids around can be off-putting.

    Also, maybe write her a letter. Putting your feelings down on paper allows her to read it several times and think about how she feels, Ask her to write back.

    All partnerships have ups and downs. I hope it works out. Good luck x

    1450208031
    davejulie [sign in to see picture]
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    Apologise for pressurising her for sex and promise that you will wait until she instigates sex.

    Then start doing the little things that will encourage her to fall in love with you all over again.

    Give her flowers, give her jewellery (eg an eternity ring), look after the children whilst you treat her to a pamper session at a local spa, buy her some jewellery, the Pandora bracelets are very popular and with the beads and charms she can see how much she is valued and loved.

    DO NOT buy her sexy clothes or sex toys - these are for you, not her.

    Make her feel really special, cherished and loved, hopefully she'll get her mojo back

    Julie x

    PS Dave is reading this and hopefully taking heed lol

    1450209035

    [suspended user]

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    bonjohn wrote:

    When me and my girlfriend first meet the honeymoon period was great. Sex,teasing,flirting,deep soulful conversations, fun together. Etc
    And now after 8yrs and 2 kids it's all gone dead.
    Now I'm a really horny and randy guy (always) and so was the OH untill the kids came along which don't get me wrong I can 10000% understand and respect why.

    Its just now after 2yrs after the 2nd child being born nothing has changed with her. I no it takes time after childbirth for her to be comfortable again and her body to be back to normal and I always try to compliment her on how sexy she looks and how I still feel and see her as did them 8yrs ago but nothing helps.
    Ive tried talking to her about our sex life and asking things like what can I do or we do or for her to do to help the situation but she says nothing.
    Ive tried buying sexy underwear or night wear that I like (which she dont seem to) so i buy stuff that she likes.Ive even brought a threw toys for her to get in the mood which I try to suggest she or we both use, but still nothing helps.
    I ve being romantic with just talking or kissing her and massages trying to relax her and get her in the mood (must add all the above is with no added pressure on her from me)
    Tried just forplay only which she dont really like but won't return any favours regardless, even thou she nows how I feel and what I need.dont even get the bday/xmas treat bj.

    Im now at my witts end I don't no what to do I've gave up even trying anymore I think to myself whats the point

    Any advice from u guys would be nice. (Been good to even get it off my chest,so anyone like talking let me no it always helps me)

    I'm so sorry to read this. Sadly it's not the first time I've read something very very similar. Been there and still am myself actually! I think unless you're very concious about keeping things so fresh between you constantly then things do slip. Then the added extra's like having kids, financial woes, work difficulties, body issues and trying to keep things rolling nicely along in the home can just be way too much!

    Blimey it does sound a lot doesn't it. I like what davejulie added about a more personal touch for her, the bracelet/ spa time. Even making sure she has girly time out to be with her mates would be fun. I can understand all that frustration on your part, and you must be feeling like you're never going to get her attention in the bedroom ever again, that's really tough to handle.

    Sounds terrible to even mention it, but if you've sat down and talked about it all, and I mean talked about IT ALL, then maybe the writing is on the wall. I could sit here and say it's all going to be fine, just work harder at it, but I wouldn't be being true to you or myself if I didn't actually put it out there and say it as I see it. I wish you well and we're all always here to talk with x

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