• Wife lacks imagination and inclination

    1446134068
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    TonyStark wrote:

    The thing is she did actually used to take me away, organise date nights etc, she just doesn't any more, probably because she's too busy organising girlie nights!!!!

    Could it be because you took over the role? She is probably happy with that .

    If your not then perhaps without rocking the boat talk to her about it but I caution you about trying to make a mountain out of a mole hill. Another words don't do anything thats going to destableise what I think is a very good relationbship .

    1446142620
    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    TonyStark, I think I may be the only person agreeing with you here that your wife needs to step it up.

    She is clearly not too busy to organise nights out with you if she can do it with her female friends, all it takes is the extra step of finding a babysitter (which, shock, maybe one of her female friends could do). I do think it is very unfair of her to just expect you to be happy when she is putting effort in with everyone else but not with you. It's easy to fall into taking your partner for granted, I think she needs a little reminder that you should be a priority once in a while too without you having to sit her down and ask her to make you one!

    Have you told her you feel like she is putting other people ahead of you? The fact of the matter is it is selfish of her to put you on the back burner and assume that you will just be there and be happy without her making the effort to make you happy, or indeed to expect that you will continue to organise every little date night etc that you go on. She used to do it, she stopped doing it; this would suggest that the problem is nothing to do with her not being able to organise things or lacking the imagination, it's that she isn't making time to do so.

    I think it would be worth talking to her about it again and pointing that it's hurting you that she not only has stopped doing things she used to do, but that she is making you sit back and watch her go out and make an effort with others. Could you not be involved in the 'girls night out'? Or could there be more girls nights in at your place? There's no need to be exculsive after all, her friends should be able to accomodate her long term partner rather than exclude him. It's all a bit teenage and immature to have to have regular no men allowed nights. Do any of her friends have partners you could get along with to double date?

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    TonyStark [sign in to see picture]
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    Halleluya!

    The Girlie nights are at either one of her girlfriends houses, or at our house...........I'm not really included. However that doesnt really bother me as I'd rather watch a film in front of the fire than listen to a load of girls discussing thier issues etc etc!!! I also think a man would compromise their ability to chat openly with other females, I get that and don't have a problem with it. However ideally I'd love my wife to join me snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie in front of ther fire! o be honest really really I'd like a couple of her fiends to join us on the sofa too, if you know what I mean !!!! But that's never going to happen!

    This has been a re-ocurring problem for years, However I don't see why I should just accept the way things are. If the shoe was on the other foot and for example I was lazy and didnt mow the lawn, pick up the dog shit, cut the hedge, fill-empty the dish washer, put my dirty clothes in the wash basket, take kids to school, bath kids etc, I would certainly get a right bollocking from her for being useless !!!!!!!!!!!!

    1446206171
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Sometimes its difficult on a forum to guage on how serious a problem is . But because of your use of the exclamation mark , I am guessing you are at the end of your tether.

    This is what I would do if I was at the end of my tether.

    I would speak to her again could be over dinner etc that you are not happy about certain things and then list your grievencies .I know you have spoken to her before but I think you need to do it again.This time however perhaps you could include an ulitimatum that if things don't improve then we will need to discuss the future of our relationship and perhaps seek professional help.

    If you think this is perhaps going to far then please ignore what I said. Like I said before on a forum it is difficult to guage how serious and desperate a problem can be sometimes .

    1446207500
    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
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    Lovebirds_x wrote:

    TonyStark, I think I may be the only person agreeing with you here that your wife needs to step it up.

    She is clearly not too busy to organise nights out with you if she can do it with her female friends, all it takes is the extra step of finding a babysitter (which, shock, maybe one of her female friends could do). I do think it is very unfair of her to just expect you to be happy when she is putting effort in with everyone else but not with you. It's easy to fall into taking your partner for granted, I think she needs a little reminder that you should be a priority once in a while too without you having to sit her down and ask her to make you one!

    Have you told her you feel like she is putting other people ahead of you? The fact of the matter is it is selfish of her to put you on the back burner and assume that you will just be there and be happy without her making the effort to make you happy, or indeed to expect that you will continue to organise every little date night etc that you go on. She used to do it, she stopped doing it; this would suggest that the problem is nothing to do with her not being able to organise things or lacking the imagination, it's that she isn't making time to do so.

    I think it would be worth talking to her about it again and pointing that it's hurting you that she not only has stopped doing things she used to do, but that she is making you sit back and watch her go out and make an effort with others. Could you not be involved in the 'girls night out'? Or could there be more girls nights in at your place? There's no need to be exculsive after all, her friends should be able to accomodate her long term partner rather than exclude him. It's all a bit teenage and immature to have to have regular no men allowed nights. Do any of her friends have partners you could get along with to double date?

    TonyStark wrote:

    Halleluya!

    The Girlie nights are at either one of her girlfriends houses, or at our house...........I'm not really included. However that doesnt really bother me as I'd rather watch a film in front of the fire than listen to a load of girls discussing thier issues etc etc!!! I also think a man would compromise their ability to chat openly with other females, I get that and don't have a problem with it. However ideally I'd love my wife to join me snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie in front of ther fire! o be honest really really I'd like a couple of her fiends to join us on the sofa too, if you know what I mean !!!! But that's never going to happen!

    This has been a re-ocurring problem for years, However I don't see why I should just accept the way things are. If the shoe was on the other foot and for example I was lazy and didnt mow the lawn, pick up the dog shit, cut the hedge, fill-empty the dish washer, put my dirty clothes in the wash basket, take kids to school, bath kids etc, I would certainly get a right bollocking from her for being useless !!!!!!!!!!!!

    I agree with Lovebirdsx, and thought I'd already made a comment about your woman needing to make more of an effort...perhaps I didn't I don't know...

    but yes, certainly if she can make time to have these girls nights she should want to make time for you too! And yes, I would say if the shoe was on the other foot she would certainly not bite her tongue!

    I also have these issues with my OH. He quite often wants to sit on the sofa after work, and watch TV... I have suggested we get a babysitter to look after little one while we go out for a meal. All I get is, no she's too young!

    He does go with some of my plans like we've taken little one to the cinema...but invariably its to see kiddie flicks so it won't matter if she gets restless or we have to duck out to change her...

    But at the same time, it's me that makes plans. Otherwise we just stay in. Then I sometimes get snarky, which I dont really like, but I just react to things. I can't bottle it up. I did at one time, and then I imploded. Won't do that again!

    In the end, there needs to be compromise, otherwise resentment builds. That will tear away at the foundations of even the strongest relationship...

    1446323527
    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    TonyShark, have you had a chat with her?

    I agree with Mysteron on this one. Have a chat with her. You've spoken to her before about things but perhaps she just thought you weren't too serious, perhaps when you start to mention the real impact it is having on you she might buck up her ideas a little. It's so easy to fall into a routine and get complacent and stuck in a rut with eachother, and then that is when problems arise in a relationship I think. If you give her an ulitimatum, she'll start to seriously listen to what you have to say.

    If she can make time to see her friends and orgainse things with them, she can certainly do it for her partner; you.

    1446336561
    VR [sign in to see picture]
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    Romance always helps. Lack of confidence never does.

    I can also say from experience that if she's on hormonal contraception, or just plain suffers with her own hormones, you have a huge hurdle to clear.

    A good heart-to-heart should help - even going as far as counselling. If neither of you are up for this (or you catch her at a hormonal spot in her cycle so things get too tense to talk!), try the old-fashioned, everything-but-sex method for a while. Try writing a letter explaining you'd like to try this.

    If I'm really not in the mood (rare these days!), I'm always happy to oblige with a quick hand/blow job. I have no idea why I'm happy to do this - I assume it's because if I'm tired or not in the mood, I don't get turned on physically (though I often do after a quick blowie).

    Us women are hard to understand. My ex never got me and thought mental or physical abuse would do the trick (that never worked!). My current OH took a while to get into me, and I had to sit him down and explain my hormonal horrors. Now he knows exactly where I am by my moods and "handles" me quite nicely. It works well for us in our day-to-day life and our rather good (if I say so myself) sex life.

    Good luck.

    1446340488

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    Your post sounds very familiar Tony. I'm in a similar situation. Have always been really. Have had moments in the past where it has got so bad I have spoken up. Which has made a slight impact. For a while. In hindsight maybe I can see a slight steady improvement as the years have gone on. So how have I dealt with it? Resigned and accepted this is how it is. Sadly, i guess, reading it as I type. For us it's a mis-alignment of sex drives, and a different understanding of how important sex is within our marriage. This last point actually has been the bigger thing. Because if you feel sex is super important and properly give it the time within your relationship that it should have then you make the effort, have that really close bond, sexy sex etc. So all I can do is pass on my experience and that is work out how important it is to you, and try and find a place, be it slightly above or slightly below your ideal, and to live within that range and be happy. Meaning if you are the one that has to initiate sex all the time then so be it. And try to maintain a view of the bigger picture. Whatever that is! These are my own views. Right or wrong. Take it easy.

    1446341660

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    TonyStark wrote:

    Halleluya!

    The Girlie nights are at either one of her girlfriends houses, or at our house...........I'm not really included. However that doesnt really bother me as I'd rather watch a film in front of the fire than listen to a load of girls discussing thier issues etc etc!!! I also think a man would compromise their ability to chat openly with other females, I get that and don't have a problem with it. However ideally I'd love my wife to join me snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie in front of ther fire! o be honest really really I'd like a couple of her fiends to join us on the sofa too, if you know what I mean !!!! But that's never going to happen!

    This has been a re-ocurring problem for years, However I don't see why I should just accept the way things are. If the shoe was on the other foot and for example I was lazy and didnt mow the lawn, pick up the dog shit, cut the hedge, fill-empty the dish washer, put my dirty clothes in the wash basket, take kids to school, bath kids etc, I would certainly get a right bollocking from her for being useless !!!!!!!!!!!!

    I must be the only one looking at this a bit differently! A relationship one sided cannot sustain itself healthily, it should be a two way street. No matter how busy our lives are, it should always be both partners making some sort of effort. You seem to do a fair old whack around the house and are getting little to no appreciation for your efforts.

    Sex comes second having had a turbulant time with this up until a couple of yrs ago, there's a bigger picture between two people. But you can't be a one sided act, she needs to give, she needs to make you feel special, wanted and desired and from time to time wanting to fuck your brains out. You like her looking nice which is lovely, but what is she doing for you? where are the dinner dates she's arranged for you both? A surprise I love you balloon sent to your work place? The small things count a lot in my book.

    Looks to me like a serious pow wow is in order my friend. Moan away to us all you like, but you need to sit your lady down and lay some things out about how you're feeling, It's clear it's eating you up! x

    1446341765

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    Hot Dog wrote:

    Your post sounds very familiar Tony. I'm in a similar situation. Have always been really. Have had moments in the past where it has got so bad I have spoken up. Which has made a slight impact. For a while. In hindsight maybe I can see a slight steady improvement as the years have gone on. So how have I dealt with it? Resigned and accepted this is how it is. Sadly, i guess, reading it as I type. For us it's a mis-alignment of sex drives, and a different understanding of how important sex is within our marriage. This last point actually has been the bigger thing. Because if you feel sex is super important and properly give it the time within your relationship that it should have then you make the effort, have that really close bond, sexy sex etc. So all I can do is pass on my experience and that is work out how important it is to you, and try and find a place, be it slightly above or slightly below your ideal, and to live within that range and be happy. Meaning if you are the one that has to initiate sex all the time then so be it. And try to maintain a view of the bigger picture. Whatever that is! These are my own views. Right or wrong. Take it easy.

    I'm sorry things are less than perfect Hot Dog! That's sad! I hope things continue to improve for you both x

    1446370225
    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
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    Ozz wrote:

    TonyStark wrote:

    Halleluya!

    The Girlie nights are at either one of her girlfriends houses, or at our house...........I'm not really included. However that doesnt really bother me as I'd rather watch a film in front of the fire than listen to a load of girls discussing thier issues etc etc!!! I also think a man would compromise their ability to chat openly with other females, I get that and don't have a problem with it. However ideally I'd love my wife to join me snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie in front of ther fire! o be honest really really I'd like a couple of her fiends to join us on the sofa too, if you know what I mean !!!! But that's never going to happen!

    This has been a re-ocurring problem for years, However I don't see why I should just accept the way things are. If the shoe was on the other foot and for example I was lazy and didnt mow the lawn, pick up the dog shit, cut the hedge, fill-empty the dish washer, put my dirty clothes in the wash basket, take kids to school, bath kids etc, I would certainly get a right bollocking from her for being useless !!!!!!!!!!!!

    I must be the only one looking at this a bit differently! A relationship one sided cannot sustain itself healthily, it should be a two way street. No matter how busy our lives are, it should always be both partners making some sort of effort. You seem to do a fair old whack around the house and are getting little to no appreciation for your efforts.

    Sex comes second having had a turbulant time with this up until a couple of yrs ago, there's a bigger picture between two people. But you can't be a one sided act, she needs to give, she needs to make you feel special, wanted and desired and from time to time wanting to fuck your brains out. You like her looking nice which is lovely, but what is she doing for you? where are the dinner dates she's arranged for you both? A surprise I love you balloon sent to your work place? The small things count a lot in my book.

    Looks to me like a serious pow wow is in order my friend. Moan away to us all you like, but you need to sit your lady down and lay some things out about how you're feeling, It's clear it's eating you up! x

    One-sided relationships are self-destructive...the resentment it creates will crumble it to the ground.

    Said it already, but will say it again...she needs to realise how much you do for her and your family. She needs to give back and make an effort to treat you right too, and want to give you mind-blowing sex too!

    1446375144

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    Luv bunny wrote:

    Ozz wrote:

    TonyStark wrote:

    Halleluya!

    The Girlie nights are at either one of her girlfriends houses, or at our house...........I'm not really included. However that doesnt really bother me as I'd rather watch a film in front of the fire than listen to a load of girls discussing thier issues etc etc!!! I also think a man would compromise their ability to chat openly with other females, I get that and don't have a problem with it. However ideally I'd love my wife to join me snuggled up on the sofa watching a movie in front of ther fire! o be honest really really I'd like a couple of her fiends to join us on the sofa too, if you know what I mean !!!! But that's never going to happen!

    This has been a re-ocurring problem for years, However I don't see why I should just accept the way things are. If the shoe was on the other foot and for example I was lazy and didnt mow the lawn, pick up the dog shit, cut the hedge, fill-empty the dish washer, put my dirty clothes in the wash basket, take kids to school, bath kids etc, I would certainly get a right bollocking from her for being useless !!!!!!!!!!!!

    I must be the only one looking at this a bit differently! A relationship one sided cannot sustain itself healthily, it should be a two way street. No matter how busy our lives are, it should always be both partners making some sort of effort. You seem to do a fair old whack around the house and are getting little to no appreciation for your efforts.

    Sex comes second having had a turbulant time with this up until a couple of yrs ago, there's a bigger picture between two people. But you can't be a one sided act, she needs to give, she needs to make you feel special, wanted and desired and from time to time wanting to fuck your brains out. You like her looking nice which is lovely, but what is she doing for you? where are the dinner dates she's arranged for you both? A surprise I love you balloon sent to your work place? The small things count a lot in my book.

    Looks to me like a serious pow wow is in order my friend. Moan away to us all you like, but you need to sit your lady down and lay some things out about how you're feeling, It's clear it's eating you up! x

    One-sided relationships are self-destructive...the resentment it creates will crumble it to the ground.

    Said it already, but will say it again...she needs to realise how much you do for her and your family. She needs to give back and make an effort to treat you right too, and want to give you mind-blowing sex too!

    A huge +1 on that Luv bunny...I'll add that the Tony Stark pic is doing it for me ig time haha

    1446456537
    TonyStark [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok I'm dropping the kids off now and walking the dog, wife is at home, we both have a day off, let's see if she's going to take advantage of a perfect oppertunity for some time together?

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    TonyStark wrote:

    Ok I'm dropping the kids off now and walking the dog, wife is at home, we both have a day off, let's see if she's going to take advantage of a perfect oppertunity for some time together?

    Okay, so you posted this around 8.30 this morning, I hope things are on their way up so far. I so hope she has something nice planned for you both that leads into an exciting evening, my fingers are crossed!

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    TonyStark [sign in to see picture]
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    Mine too !

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    TonyStark wrote:

    Mine too !

    Well you haven't been on here, so we can only presume things have gone really well for you today and tonight! That's cool! :)

    1446553299
    TonyStark [sign in to see picture]
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    Well, she made half an effort, which is better than no effort at all. Not much imagination, however I didn't say anything at all to her, perhaps the penny dropped to a degree? Perhaps nearly 2 weeks of no sex at all did the trick, lets see how long I have to wait until next time, or does she think thats's it in her mind!!! Who knows?

    I gues some folks love sex as a hobby, and others prefer goong for a walk!

    I bloody hate walks, probably as much as my wife hates planning things for us as a couple ?

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    Errr..ummm Not sure if you're happy or not! It's good news that she's made an effort, correct?

    I can only hope that she enjoyed the day and evening just as much. I hope you showed her that you apprecaited her efforts Tony Stark!

    Just love that avatar lol

    1446567549
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    I just hope half the effort wasn't appeasement and it was gunuine on her part. Only yourself will know this.

    Some of us do know how you feel . You do all the preperation get the toys/implements or whatever ready ie cleaned before use and all your partner wants to do is lie back and think of England so to speak. My partner is very little different in this regard .

    1446568970
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    I also agree that some could possibly regard sex as a hobby.I can think of many worse hobbies than sex but for us alas no . For us its a way of being intimate with your partner and strengthening the relationship .

    The worse case scenario is if sex is regarded as a chore.Then that could be a problem .

    Could be an interesting topic of converstation in its own right

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