• Dilemma..

    1445596766
    naughty mum [sign in to see picture]
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    OK..have a bit of a dilemma...been job hunting for some time..and I got an acceptance through for one..which I acknowledged. They sent me through more info on the process and who i will be interviewed by...and it turns out one of them was my sympathy date from the beginning of this year!he was quite sweet and chatty, but I was steering clear of anything that led him on..if anything I told him outright I wasn't interested in dating him!
    He was a guy from pof, who contacted me and was being quite persistent, but I told him outright he wasn't my type as he was far too similar to my ex in look and ethnic background ( after my 20 relationship with someone from the middle east, that ended up being abusive, neither I or my parents would cope with going down that route again! My parents would have probably cut me off if I dated anyone that was not white British this time!!)
    But he was persistent, and even though he knew the score that I wasn't interested, we kept in touch on pof, as a sort of mutual support , checking in to see if we had any luck with any dates/ etc he had invited me out earlier this year( before my current partner) for a meal...just so we could have a meal as friends ( not a date..just friends..which was made crystal clear to him)
    We had our meet up..and even though he was pleasant enough in real life..again I said it wasn't ever going to be a case of moving on to dating..just friends.
    But he did try his luck out when we got back to the cars, and went in for a snog.. I was somewhat caught off guard, and went with the flow a bit...but still told him that it didn't change anything.. We would not be able to go further. Andi did not want to pursue a relationship with him.
    We left our separate ways..and he continued to be a chatty contact afterwards, and he kept up for a few months the check in to see how I was and if I had found anyone yet..etc
    This eventually dropped off, but he also found me in Facebook..and somehow got added( not sure how that happened..might have been a mistake.. But he knows my full RL name)
    Now this guy has barely got in touch..and my pof, account has been closed for 6 months as soon as I found my current partner on there( oh the joy I have in that!!)

    NOW add this issue that he is going to be one of my interviewers for this good job( I had no idea he worked there, and I have not really had that much contact in 6 months)
    My partner knows I know him...as I told him last night when the penny dropped that the interviewers name sounded familiar. Despite how weird a coincidence, he seems fine with it..as he said it must happen occasionally when you end up working in the same place as an ex etc.. So he has been very supportive of this bizzare coincidence.

    But...what do I do about the actual interview?!!?!
    Do I need to ring their office and declare I know the interviewer, and ask to see another?
    Should I ping him privately on Facebook and double check it is him working there, and tell him I am in line to interview for a job where he could be my interview er?
    If so do we keep stoom about it and see if he might swing the job in my favour?
    We did still leave on good terms earlier this year... But I am really in a quandary.

    He knows I found someone...and as far as he knows that is as far as it goes as he really hasn't been in touch for many months, and I haven't really been face booking..
    What on earth should I do here?!??😮😛

    1445597181
    McGlovin [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow that's a toughie. I don't know if anyone can give the right advice there. How would you feel if you had to work with this person or if he was you boss, could you handle that?

    1445597292
    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    Considering you don't know each other particularly well and haven't been in contact recently, I wouldn't do anything. You're basically aquaintances, I wouldn't imagine it would cause any ethical issues. At least you'll be facing a friendly face.

    Also, ouch at the racism there. Ethnic background does NOT equal abusive :/

    1445597530
    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
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    You don't need to declare that you know him, because by the sounds of things you don't really know him. I would delete him from your Facebook, it doesn't sound like you intended to be his friend on Facebook.

    Dont contact him! Treat him as a bloke you once met in a bar one night. Which is about the level of friendship that it sounds like you have.

    Dress smart for the interview and if he is on the interview panel just pretend like you don't know him. You should get the job on your merits not the fact that you once had a date with one of the interviewers.

    I know I sound harsh, but I don't really think it's a problem. Be strong, be confident and go get that job.

    1445597567

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    Oh wow. What are the chances. I would NOT get in touch with him on FB, or call the company. I would just attend the interview, act totally professional, courteous etc. smiles, normal interview stuff. As if you have just met this person for the first time. If he happens to say anything, just a 'nice to see you again' or something, keeping polite. Not that you would do otherwise but totally avoid any flirtation that he may throw your way. Listen, nothing wrong here. You went on a date once. And stayed in contact online for a while. That's all. No biggy. You'll be great :)

    1445597659
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Just be professional, if you are getting interviewed by him you may end up seeing him around the work place every so often, you dont want to ring a company offering you a job and say you can't work with one of their current employees, turn up, if he recognises you ask him how he's doing and get on with the interview as though he's anyone else.

    1445598074
    Just Jenson [sign in to see picture]
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    I think I would ring the company and advise them that you think you may already know one of the interviewers. I dont think they will enquire as to the nature of you knowing each other, and really that isnt the concern. You concern, and theirs, is to have a fair interview.

    I would say you dont have a probem with it in any way, but thought it might be best to advise them of this in advance and let them make their decision as to whether they want to change the interviewing panel or not.

    I think this approach shows responsibility on your side as a good candidate as well and already keeping their best interest as a priority before even getting a job there.

    1445598110
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Young and fun95 wrote:

    Just be professional, if you are getting interviewed by him you may end up seeing him around the work place every so often, you dont want to ring a company offering you a job and say you can't work with one of their current employees, turn up, if he recognises you ask him how he's doing and get on with the interview as though he's anyone else.

    I agree with the above. Both of you should be professional about this and being able to keep business seperate form personal. In theory it shouldn't be a problem .

    1445598200
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Have to +1 Lovebirds, that racist comment really stood out to me and I really don't think it was a fair thing to say at all. :/

    If it were me I'd just go with the flow, and prepare for the interview as best as I could. If you don't have any real history with this man, and you weren't really in a relationship, then chances are it won't affect anything. However another part of me wonders if you should let them know so that there's no chance of unfair treatment at all, whether that's favouritism or discrimination. So I can see your dilemma!

    Good luck x

    1445599128
    naughty mum [sign in to see picture]
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    In my defence..I was married for 20 years to an Iranian..have 2 kids... But the relationship ended in a highly abusive situation, which landed me in a refuge...so please do not feel a race card here, I have many friends and family from other backgrounds...I am just wary of entering any personal relationship as I have a lot of emotional and physical scars from my marriage.
    Tbh..I still had a draw to ppl from all backgrounds..hence this guy caught me off guard on our friends date when he went in for a snog!
    I went through a hell of time with my marital ex..and so did my parents, hence I know they would have been very reluctant to trust anyone with their daughter who came out of a different background. It is actough call as I know and I am friends with loads of ppl from all walks of life..
    Tbh..he knows quite a bit about my past as it came up about my ex, and the domestic abuse I suffered, and the trouble I was having with my son.. So in an interview situation, he would have an unfair advantage over his co interviewer.
    I am sure I could remain professional, but this is literally my first interview in some 7 years! I am going to feel nerves as it is!

    1445599592
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think what people are saying is that it's offensive to Middle Eastern men (and women) to imply they are all abusive because your ex was. It's like me saying I'll never go near body builders because my ex was a an arsehole because he was a body builder. British men are abusive too, race has nothing to do with it.

    He knows a bit of your personal life, if he hasn't contacted you in so long it's likely he's over it, this interview is about a job, nothing more, he doesn't know anymore about your work than his coworkers and probably values his job more than yours so won't try to be easy on you, especially if his coworkers are also interviewing you. He's probably already seen that you're being interviewed, if he hasn't mentioned it, or has but they haven't changed it, it's not a big deal.

    just go and be professional

    1445600784
    naughty mum [sign in to see picture]
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    Young and fun95 wrote:

    I think what people are saying is that it's offensive to Middle Eastern men (and women) to imply they are all abusive because your ex was. It's like me saying I'll never go near body builders because my ex was a an arsehole because he was a body builder. British men are abusive too, race has nothing to do with it.

    He knows a bit of your personal life, if he hasn't contacted you in so long it's likely he's over it, this interview is about a job, nothing more, he doesn't know anymore about your work than his coworkers and probably values his job more than yours so won't try to be easy on you, especially if his coworkers are also interviewing you. He's probably already seen that you're being interviewed, if he hasn't mentioned it, or has but they haven't changed it, it's not a big deal.

    just go and be professional

    I agree were you are coming from..no offence was intended.. As I say I have many family and friends from different backgrounds, and yes being an arsehole and abusive is possible to anyone from any background. For those who know my story from last year, will know I wasntveven sure i could trust anyone in my life again.. As I was scared of committing and the risk of being hurt.. Dating for me was really a scary prospect...anyone who has suffered domestic abuse and violence will recognise this as a real fear to overcome to move on. Tbh..this guy looked too much like my ex to start with..and we still actually got on quite well on a friends basis. He had a lovely sweet caring nature..and I used to give him encouragement and advice about any of his dates at the beginning of the year When you suffer flashbacks to instances...you do have to try an minimise your triggers.. Despite he was my type I had always gone for...I felt I needed to break away from my own mould.. As it would ldnt have been fair on me or him. Hence staying friends...admittedly we are not in touch now..especially as I have a new partner, and I didn't think it fair on him to be in touch with a past date! My partner already knew about my date with this guy, as we don't keep secrets..and we trust eachother 200%.. As we are planning to move in together. We both had dates from pof, so we know that we had a few encounters each before we got together. I have unfriended this date guy...as it really would be too weird having him still in my fb list..especially as my partner know s about him. Boy! This really wasn't the dillema I expected when applying g for a job...the worst case I thought would be I get too many interviews, and I could not pick which acceptance as I had too many to choose from! Having previously dated and snogged someone who really wanted to date me further as my interviewer is a twist in life I really didn't expect!
    1445602552

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    I can't add to this except to agree with everything that's been said. You've de-friended him which is a smart move. It's a professional interview, so he has to behave! I'm sure it'll be fine and you'll nail the job. You need to stand your ground with him though, he sounds like a handful.

    Good luck

    1445603882
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with Ozz and to add to my post , is that they are looking for the best candidate here and nothing pesonal should come into it.

    The toughest part I think is going to be for when you get the job, for both of you will both need to carry on in a proffesional business relationship with each other and with the rest of the new colleagues. and to keep any personal feelings under control .In a nutshell for this to work longer term both of you need to forget about the past.

    1445606905

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    mysteron wrote:

    I agree with Ozz and to add to my post , is that they are looking for the best candidate here and nothing pesonal should come into it.

    The toughest part I think is going to be for when you get the job, for both of you will both need to carry on in a proffesional business relationship with each other and with the rest of the new colleagues. and to keep any personal feelings under control .In a nutshell for this to work longer term both of you need to forget about the past.

    Please note the magnificent line here by mysteron " when you get the job" that's awsome! :)

    1445609471
    naughty mum [sign in to see picture]
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    Lol...I like that...when I get the job😊😋
    Tbh..I think he is listed as one of the hiring manager..so I am not sure if he would be a direct manager in the role...it is a big housing association... And I suspect this might be run by their hr.
    I might check the application ..as I can't remember if there was a section to declare if I know anyone in the company prior to applying.
    As I had no idea this is where he worked..I couldn't declare then.
    Part of me is saying I really need to come clean to the hiring team..that I know one of the interviewers in a personal capacity, and it would be unfair to other candidates if I didn't declare it. We parted on v good terms..s I don't think he would scupper my chances.. But I might always wonder if I got the job because I knew him..or I got on my own merit.
    Plus I am not sure how it might be viewed after the fact...if it was discovered we know eachother. Same scenario. Merit or favouring one candidate due to freindship?

    If we were working together I do not think our past dinner date would be an issue...as I know he dated a few after me...and I helped him stay focused and positive to help him loose weight and give himself a fighting chance of finding his ms right.

    I know the fact he looked a spitting image of my ex did cloud my desicion not to get involved all those months back. And he was fully aware of my reluctance and the reason why...and he was somewhat resigned that we would be only friends. I know he is a sweet kind man..who would make the right woman very happy....
    But as I was wantibg an outdoors guy, who enjoyed camping and hiking, and keeping fit and active.. And he was a home man..who really liked his food too much and rarely exercised... It really would not have matched up even if we tried!! We were too unalike for it to have gone anywhere... Barr the fact we were chatty and quite supportive of eachother in our persuit of happiness.
    Yes..he did try it on when we did meet for the one and only time...and it didn't go further..and both of us were clear on that... So I am sure a working relationship in the future would not be impossible.

    I am leaning to asking for a different interviewer, so as not to put him in any aukward position, and to make a fairer interview process, and that proffessionally it would be improper to be interviewed by an aquaintance, but it would not at all affect a working postion if I got the role.

    1445610076
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    No don't do that !

    It will be more likely an adavantage to you . I dind't get were I am today without pulling a few striings.It happens all the time . Keep quiet about it unless its a condition of your application .Put yourself first just for once instead of thinking of others .

    Another tip if you are intending to apply for other positions/jobs as well as this is to get a digital recorder( that will fit in a pocket and is completely quiet) or if your mobile has that facility whilst blocking out any incoming calls and record the whole interview. You can then guage of how well it went and things to improve on when chasing other jobs.

    Good luck you deserve it.

    1445610177
    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    NM here is my 2 cents for what it is worth.

    You did the right thing removing him from your facebook. (Reminds me to go "purge" a little bit later today as well.)

    I think you are overthinkg this! I realize you are very nervous and this is your first interview in 7 years. I think you need to let it be... by asking for another interviewer you are implying upfront you cant work with this person. If that is the case then dont go through with the interview.

    Instead be professional and when introduced say politely nice to see you again and just acknowledge the casual acquitance OR see if he acknowledges it first and go off his lead. Frankly it would be up to him to see your name and recuse himself if it is a professional conflict for him.

    I used to interview people and it was near impossible to not know some of them socially I would briefly acknowledge it at the beginning of the meeting and move on. But we did team interviews at that company.

    BUT if you feel overall that this is not OK for you emotionally / anxiety level wise by all means call them and very politely state that you wanted to let them know you knew the interviewer socially last year and ask if that would be a conflict and let them decide.

    BEST WISHES my dear in this and everything.

    1445610829
    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    I didn't realize there was a box asking if you knew anyone that worked there... in that case if there was call and let them know he was someone you knew socially last year.

    1445615202
    naughty mum [sign in to see picture]
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    I honestly can't remember! There was one application form I filled in that asked if I knew anyone there..and I have filled in so many!
    I don't see it as being an issue when working in the same environment... Tbh..it would be nice to see a friendly face at the interview😊
    My partner seems fine with it..and thinks I should just go and not mention the acquaintance unless it is brought up at the interview. I thought he might get a bit weirded out being interviewed by an ex date..he thinks it a totally wacky coincidence. I know I am not wrong in the identification of him though...as he has a very distinctive name...and I doubt there is another one in the area with the same name.
    The odds of this happening though must be through the roof....maybe I should buy a lottery ticket if my luck is in!
    😄

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