• Not sure what to do

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    Kittycat102 [sign in to see picture]
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    So today me and my new boyfriend were getting a bit hot and heavy and I wanted to progress to sex and I could feel it was getting there (we haven't had sex yet). And then suddendly I had an image of the man who raped me a few years ago and obviously it made everything stop and I burst into tears and pretty much scared the shit out of my boyfriend because he thought it was him that made me cry. He knows about the rape and I told him that's why he was crying and now I don't know how to get past this at all. It hasn't happened before when I had sex with a guy so I'm not sure why it is now. Maybe it's because I'm in love with my boyfriend and things are just different? I really don't know. And now my boyfriend won't even touch me sexually because he doesn't want me to get upset again..

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    Awe my darling xx I'm so sad to read this. breaks my heart that this has happened to you.

    Please please please..talk talk talk to him. He needs to hear what you went through in order for him to process what happened toyou and the struggle it's been. He needs to understand where your mind is and that flash backs are bound to happen. More than anything he needs to understand that it isn't him, it's something you both have to walk through together. I'm hoping that it will bring you both closer together as a couple.

    He must have freaked when you did, it must have been a shock. But you need to open up just like you have here. A big thank you huni for being so brave and telling us about something so awful and so raw that you experienced. Baby steps my darling xxx

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    Kittycat102 [sign in to see picture]
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    Ozz wrote:

    Awe my darling xx I'm so sad to read this. breaks my heart that this has happened to you.

    Please please please..talk talk talk to him. He needs to hear what you went through in order for him to process what happened toyou and the struggle it's been. He needs to understand where your mind is and that flash backs are bound to happen. More than anything he needs to understand that it isn't him, it's something you both have to walk through together. I'm hoping that it will bring you both closer together as a couple.

    He must have freaked when you did, it must have been a shock. But you need to open up just like you have here. A big thank you huni for being so brave and telling us about something so awful and so raw that you experienced. Baby steps my darling xxx

    Thank you hun. I'm not looking for sympathy so don't feel like you need to give it to me, I just don't want my experience to ruin my relationship. He says that he'll always stick by me but I mean you never really know do you

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    mummymermaid [sign in to see picture]
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    Trust him at his word huni and try to move on...it's awful what happened I can't even imagine how awful...huge hugs and support from me xxx

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    Kittycat102 wrote:

    Ozz wrote:

    Awe my darling xx I'm so sad to read this. breaks my heart that this has happened to you.

    Please please please..talk talk talk to him. He needs to hear what you went through in order for him to process what happened toyou and the struggle it's been. He needs to understand where your mind is and that flash backs are bound to happen. More than anything he needs to understand that it isn't him, it's something you both have to walk through together. I'm hoping that it will bring you both closer together as a couple.

    He must have freaked when you did, it must have been a shock. But you need to open up just like you have here. A big thank you huni for being so brave and telling us about something so awful and so raw that you experienced. Baby steps my darling xxx

    Thank you hun. I'm not looking for sympathy so don't feel like you need to give it to me, I just don't want my experience to ruin my relationship. He says that he'll always stick by me but I mean you never really know do you

    I know you're not looking for sympathy, but I have it in bundles for you so take it. I hear you, but talking is extremley healthy for any relationship. It won't ruin anything if you're both open and honest about the way you both feel about this. There is always a way to move through and forward, you just have to find it x

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    Kittycat102 [sign in to see picture]
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    Yeah you're right. I know I'm a strong woman so I'll get through it, it'll just take time that's all

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    Sinner [sign in to see picture]
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    I know where you are coming from. Talk to him about it some more reassure him that you want to make love with him. Ask him to take it slowly and gently.

    Chances are it won't happen again, but if it does, just stop then start again after a little hugging and gentle words from you both. You could even try to make a joke of it and tell "him" that he isn't invited to share this with you and your man and to bugger off!

    I know from experience that people giving sympathy makes you feel like a victim, but it's given with love and care, so take that from it!

    xx

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    It does..but keep talking, it's good and very healthy ..you're very strong!! x

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    bex1213 [sign in to see picture]
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    Aw man that is really rough. Sympathy really does help in the healing so take it when it's offered. I'm so sorry that awful experience has impacted your life so much.

    I have to be honest, I had a similar experience and the best thing I ever did was go to counselling/therapy. I didn't go until years after the event and I wish I had gone sooner. My partner and I went to one together which meant he could understand through a mediator that it wasn't a rational reaction to him when I panicked but a fight or flight response. I know it seems like a lot of work, but getting through this kind of trauma takes time. I know the NHS does free counselling for those who need it and I'm fairly sure if you go to a sexual health clinic they could recommend a good place to go and many actually have someone on staff who specialises in sex related issues.

    I really hope you both manage to get through this. You deserve to move on.

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    Kittycat102 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you everyone, I really appreciate the advice. It means a lot to me :)

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to hear your story. It must have left a mental scar and hopefully with your current guy he can help.

    My best advise after talking to him as the others have mentioned is just to take it slowly in small steps

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    I was sexually assaulted when I was quite young.

    Things can be a trigger....and suddenly I'm back there. Anything can trigger it..... something totally bizarre and unrelated usually. For years I told no one and shouldered the burden on my own.

    Now I've told my oh. And he understands .....and is very caring and sympathetic. Your new bf sounds lovely and was understandably shocked and very concerned. Sit down and talk to him....he can help you through this and it sounds as though he cares enough to do just that.

    And remember..... we're all here for you too xx

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    Kittycat102 [sign in to see picture]
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    Terri JJ wrote:

    I was sexually assaulted when I was quite young.

    Things can be a trigger....and suddenly I'm back there. Anything can trigger it..... something totally bizarre and unrelated usually. For years I told no one and shouldered the burden on my own.

    Now I've told my oh. And he understands .....and is very caring and sympathetic. Your new bf sounds lovely and was understandably shocked and very concerned. Sit down and talk to him....he can help you through this and it sounds as though he cares enough to do just that.

    And remember..... we're all here for you too xx

    Thanks Terri :) I sometimes feel like I take my boyfriend for granted, even though I don't mean to. I guess it just scares me because I've never had a guy care and love me before I don't know how to react towards it

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hugs :)

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    Shadow Collector [sign in to see picture]
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    Nothing to add on top of what's already been so beautifully said by far wiser forumites than I, but I will remind you that you're a wonderful, beautiful lady with a OH who clearly realises that- obvious by his actions that he cares.

    You'll be alright. (Bear Hugs... because I can. Deal with it :P)

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    Kittycat102 [sign in to see picture]
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    Shadow Collector wrote:

    Nothing to add on top of what's already been so beautifully said by far wiser forumites than I, but I will remind you that you're a wonderful, beautiful lady with a OH who clearly realises that- obvious by his actions that he cares.

    You'll be alright. (Bear Hugs... because I can. Deal with it :P)

    Shadow, I hate bear hugs but yours are greatly appreciated and welcomed :)

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    Shadow Collector [sign in to see picture]
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    (Backs off, awkwardly pets on shoulder) Better?

    Either way, the message remains the same.

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    Kittycat102 [sign in to see picture]
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    Haha you make me laugh hun, thank you :)

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    fantasia fairy [sign in to see picture]
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    Kittycat102 wrote:

    So today me and my new boyfriend were getting a bit hot and heavy and I wanted to progress to sex and I could feel it was getting there (we haven't had sex yet). And then suddendly I had an image of the man who raped me a few years ago and obviously it made everything stop and I burst into tears and pretty much scared the shit out of my boyfriend because he thought it was him that made me cry. He knows about the rape and I told him that's why he was crying and now I don't know how to get past this at all. It hasn't happened before when I had sex with a guy so I'm not sure why it is now. Maybe it's because I'm in love with my boyfriend and things are just different? I really don't know. And now my boyfriend won't even touch me sexually because he doesn't want me to get upset again..

    Darling hold up right there. I get you because this is actually what i got though with every partner i've been with.

    Why it;s happening now? Well sometimes the brain is functioned that way, when you were raped there was a part of you that was abused and your dignity was tarnished. Due to the fact you really do like your current boyfriend your mind could be on 'high alert' so to speak and even though you dont know it, it's more aware of getting hurt and it putting up a wall of defense.

    It still happens to me even when i'm with friends, we don't need to be engaging in anything sexual they just need to go to hug me and i will have a panic attack and cry.... not every time because they brain wont bring it up every time. I wish i was with you to explain better but i'm in theraphy now and even though last week i literally bruised my fist punching the table, screamed and actually fainted ans threw up im getting to understand the way the brain works.

    I'm going to try and give you a little bit of an idea and everyone im sorry if this is long just skip. When you have a bad memory or more so a traumatic experence, some people (in fact most) dont know how to deal with it and it is hidden deep inside. Youve not forgotten it really because it is in there but it's like it's locked away. Some people go as far as not being able to remember that event at all even if they try hard to. Because thats your own body protecting itself. The thing is until the emotions, feelings and repressed memories are dealt with you cannot move on and come to an understanding of what happened. So every now and then (more so when something happens that triggers that memory, it's like that bad event is pulled out of its hidin place in ittle flashes or even in big awful drawn out memories. It feels real, the sensations, the noises, the smells and the fear...above all the fear that your whole world is caving in again.

    But you know what this is OKAY....it's ok to have moments like this. I know its hard but please try to ask the doctor for either CBT or PTSD treatment, the first didnt work for me but the second? Well lets say i'm getting there. As for your boyfriend, tell him you need him to hold you and touch you if you are to get over it, and try to eplain to him what i have written here. I hope this helps please ask any questions, i dont get on here much but when i do i will chat with you. This was hard for me to write so im sorry its not more in depth xxx

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    Kittycat102 [sign in to see picture]
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    fantasia fairy wrote:

    Kittycat102 wrote:

    So today me and my new boyfriend were getting a bit hot and heavy and I wanted to progress to sex and I could feel it was getting there (we haven't had sex yet). And then suddendly I had an image of the man who raped me a few years ago and obviously it made everything stop and I burst into tears and pretty much scared the shit out of my boyfriend because he thought it was him that made me cry. He knows about the rape and I told him that's why he was crying and now I don't know how to get past this at all. It hasn't happened before when I had sex with a guy so I'm not sure why it is now. Maybe it's because I'm in love with my boyfriend and things are just different? I really don't know. And now my boyfriend won't even touch me sexually because he doesn't want me to get upset again..

    Darling hold up right there. I get you because this is actually what i got though with every partner i've been with.

    Why it;s happening now? Well sometimes the brain is functioned that way, when you were raped there was a part of you that was abused and your dignity was tarnished. Due to the fact you really do like your current boyfriend your mind could be on 'high alert' so to speak and even though you dont know it, it's more aware of getting hurt and it putting up a wall of defense.

    It still happens to me even when i'm with friends, we don't need to be engaging in anything sexual they just need to go to hug me and i will have a panic attack and cry.... not every time because they brain wont bring it up every time. I wish i was with you to explain better but i'm in theraphy now and even though last week i literally bruised my fist punching the table, screamed and actually fainted ans threw up im getting to understand the way the brain works.

    I'm going to try and give you a little bit of an idea and everyone im sorry if this is long just skip. When you have a bad memory or more so a traumatic experence, some people (in fact most) dont know how to deal with it and it is hidden deep inside. Youve not forgotten it really because it is in there but it's like it's locked away. Some people go as far as not being able to remember that event at all even if they try hard to. Because thats your own body protecting itself. The thing is until the emotions, feelings and repressed memories are dealt with you cannot move on and come to an understanding of what happened. So every now and then (more so when something happens that triggers that memory, it's like that bad event is pulled out of its hidin place in ittle flashes or even in big awful drawn out memories. It feels real, the sensations, the noises, the smells and the fear...above all the fear that your whole world is caving in again.

    But you know what this is OKAY....it's ok to have moments like this. I know its hard but please try to ask the doctor for either CBT or PTSD treatment, the first didnt work for me but the second? Well lets say i'm getting there. As for your boyfriend, tell him you need him to hold you and touch you if you are to get over it, and try to eplain to him what i have written here. I hope this helps please ask any questions, i dont get on here much but when i do i will chat with you. This was hard for me to write so im sorry its not more in depth xxx

    Wow thank you. I really appreciate you telling me all that and wanting to help me, it means a lot. Thank you for being so supportive hun :)

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