• I know it's all I seem to talk about and there's tonnes of threads but...

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    So I'll go against my own judgment and just for a second consider this guy is a good guy. People are trying to protect you against your own will (just like we are) because you come across so vulnerable, if you want that to change you need to sit them down separately, like an adult and tell them you're am adult, you will make mistakes, you will get hurt, but that's life, they've got to let you.

    ask the guy to meet you for a drink, just to talk, you need to get some things off your chest, tell him you get why he's trying to protect you but you don't need protecting, you're a big girl, but you do need to mature a little, don't let your friends be involved, or your parents, it's so hard to figure things out when everyone else is trying to push and pull you in different ways. Maybe don't even tell them for a while, just focus on yourself.

    You do come across naive and vulnerable, I think the guy probably saw you as too immature and your mother sees you as someone that is easily manipulated. Which is kind of true, and it's not a bad thing, but you don't get much respect so you kind of need to put on a hard face and tell them to respect your descisions.

    i really don't like this cam guy though, still pretty creepy and dangerous and pretty much certain you'll get hurt in someway. If you love the first guy so much fight for him, you said he deserves better than you, so he the person you think he deserves. It's not bad to change for love, as long as it's for the better, be more confident and stop searching for reassurance. I dunno, it's hard when you're not there, what ever you decide be confident in your own mind and gut instinct

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    Cam guy is just a distraction idk if I'll meet him if I do I'll be as safe as I can.

    With this first guy it's not immaturity or naivety it's the fact that he's insistent I'll get hurt and he doesn't want to do that to me. I HAVE told him I'm a big girl an can take it but he won't budge because he's terrified of hurting me.

    I will NEVER be the woman he deserves, in my eyes he deserves someone thin, beautiful, confident, someone who loves him the way o do but I don't have the rest of it. He needs someone who understands his past but doesn't let it alter the way she sees him, someone who is so proud to show him off because he's the best, someone who would never hurt him and do whatever it takes to make him happy.

    I can't be thin and I can't be beautiful and when I was with him I was confident, I never felt so good in my life.

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    And my mum doesn't want him messaging me because she doesn't want to see me getting hurt because one minute it's this is why we stopped things if you promise you won't get hurt I'll never leave you again then the next minute is no just friends. His sister said she doesn't think he knows what he wants but he wants to make sure he doesn't hurt me.

    I may be wrong (please tell me if you agree or not) but I think he still cares. If he didn't why would he be checking I'm ok he could always just ask his sister to find out for him but he needed to hear it from me, he said its shit but it's the way it has to be and just... Yeah.

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Kirsty92 I hate to see you pining away for this person. I am sure at some level he still care but at the same time he has made a choice to be with this other woman.

    Dont make someone a priority when they only make you an option.

    I wish you peace and the ability to move on.

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    He isn't actually with her though he doesn't care about her it's just sex. I can't stop myself from wanting him.

    I wish I could move on and I am trying but it's not happening. Miss the muppet.

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    Char99 [sign in to see picture]
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    +1 to what Vanessa says.
    As awful and brutal as it sounds, if he really (and I mean REALLY) wanted to be with you then he would be. He does probably still care about you, hence the messages. It seems more likely to me though that he isn't letting you go so that you're still around as a back up.
    I've been in your situation, I know I sound like the bad guy, but I'd rather that than lie to you and agree with what you think may happen with him further down the line.
    Now, just because you're not thin does not mean that you're not beautiful. Beauty is I. The eye of the beholder, would be pretty grim of everyone liked the same type. I myself am a size 18, I hate it. But my husband and children love me so that's enough for me. I don't aspire to be thin, but a few pounds off would be great!! But what I'm saying is, you are what you are. And there is someone waiting for you. Hard as it may be to believe at the moment, but it's true x

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    Honestly I don't mind being his back up even my mum reckons so that's why she doesn't want him talking to me. It sounds pathetic but i don't care if I'm just another, his one and only, a back up, if he cheated, if he hurt me or whatever happened I would still let myself be an option I wouldn't let him know that and I'd make him work for it but if he ever wanted me back I'd take him. There was a discussion at work earlier... Would you trade your partner for £1,000,000? And I thought to myself if I could have him back I wouldn't trade him for all the money and luxuries and wealthy living in the world. I'm not saying he wants to get back but I am saying I feel he cares.

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    Kentchris1980 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Kirsty,

    I think he is playing you. He is just waiting for it to go wrong with the other girl and than will jump striaght onto you.

    Go find yourself a decent guy who will date you and treat you right

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    [suspended user]

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    Kentchris1980 wrote:

    Hi Kirsty,

    I think he is playing you. He is just waiting for it to go wrong with the other girl and than will jump striaght onto you.

    Go find yourself a decent guy who will date you and treat you right

    Got to say...I agee! :(

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    Honestly though I'm kinda waiting for him to come back to me. I won't let him off easy but I will always allow him back. I WANT him to see as an option ok it's not first option right now but I don't mind. I can't find any decent guys he was the best there is 😊

    After a long and heartfelt conversation with someone close to me I realised I love him. He doesn't want a full on girlfriend (I've known that since the start) and I can't tell him I love him but I do, I really do

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh god I just don't know. But I do know you need to sort your opinion of yourself out. You need some confidence woman. Part of me thinks he's saying he doesn't want to hurt you to string you along making you think he cares. Part of me thinks he does care but knows you're not capable of just having a fling. When I finally got rid of my ex one of the last things I said to him was that I love him., something like "I do love you, I don't want to, I just do, but you're no good, you don't love me, so I'll hurt now, but eventually I'll stop loving you and it won't hurt so much, so bye." That's one of the strongest moments of my life. Saying you love someone doesn't mean you need them or want them back or that you're weak, it's just How it is, facing your emotion is the strongest thing you can do
    like you said, you're enjoying cam guy because a good looking guy is giving you attention and it makes you feel good
    but you need to give yourself confidence, not get it off others, go to the gym if you don't like your body (I'm not fat shaming guys) I was always a chubby kid, and even at my fittest I was still chubby, but I had really nice shoulders, and I started staring at myself in the mirror because I was changing my body.
    It doesn't have to be the gym but do something physical on a regular basis, I did Thai boxing too., I'm starting back soon but it's amazing for building confidence
    you can't just go through life believing you're worth nothing, you have to do something about it, just give yourself one big push and you'll be surprised how easy it is after that. Tell yourself you have to do this for future you and just do it, don't put it off, find a gym that does a few things, pick one and go, if you don't like it, before you leave pick something else and sign up for next week, you'll find something you enjoy, you'll see a difference in yourself and you'll be proud, you'll walk and talk different and people will notice, maybe your guy, maybe someone else.
    Stop saying you'll never love again, you seriously will, every time is different, the best types of love are those where you're never nervous because they make you feel so safe and confident, and you know you're exactly what he needs

    I'm not perfect, I still have major low confidence, I'm going through a serious lull Lately, but most of the time I know that OH is better off with me than without me, that I give him things no other woman would. That's what you need, someone that needs you too, and someone does, someone will meet you and not know how they ever survived without you, because you are missing from someone's life

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    JM88 [sign in to see picture]
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    Young and fun is spot on again. Fwiw i dont think the guy is stringing you along and keeping you as am option. If he was truly into you, and his current girl is purely just for sex, then surely he would be having sex with you too? If hes committed to this one girl then it must be more than just sex.

    From what you have said so far, its clear you want more than a fling and thats absolutely normal. If you werent willing to swap him for all the money in the world then how on earth could you be with him but be happy for him to cheat on you? It just doesnt make sense.

    He knows you better than us and it sounds like he knows he doesnt want to just have sex with you, but he probably doesnt want to settle down just yet so doesnt want to string you along.

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been going to the gym and swimming most days since Feb and I push myself loads but I'm barely losing a thing.

    I have no confidence and that's probably why I don't care if he cheated because if he comes back to me that's all that matters to me.

    Last night was scary I can't say what happened but I nearly lost someone close to me and that person said to "if he makes you as happy as the woman I love makes me feel then you need to talk and you will be together eventually" and when things got their scariest he was the person I needed and wanted the most. I just needed him to hold me and tell me everything would be ok. Thankfully the person who nearly died is absolutely fine now and coming out tomorrow but it was scary. Looks like I will need counselling now.

    It is just sex but because I haven't had it he told me he can't be my first because he doesn't want me to get hurt but then he was like let's just be friends then it was no talking then talking telling me he couldn't be my first again. Surely if you were only after friends you'd say we are just friends so no rude stuff or we can't have sex not say I can't be your first?

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    What do you do at the gym? If you do weights as well as cardio you probably won't lose weight, I actually put on weight (much to the annoyance of my boxing trainer! ) but your body will look different, tense in the mirror, see if you can see your abs and back muscles.

    Sounds like he want sex but doesn't want the complications of being your first, most women get a strong emotional attachment to men the have sex with especially the first, he might not want that hassle.

    I know that if OH cheated on me I could never leave him, I can't live without him, if he left me I'd probably kill myself, that's not a joke or exaggeration, just fact. But I know that's no way to live and don't want the same for you. I'm pretty cynical and have accepted I've been fucked up by my family, I be the best I can be but I'll always need OH.

    At the gym start seeing how long you can stay on a certain machine, everytime you stay longer it's because you've made your body better, that's why boxing is so good for depression, you see your improvement really obviously and others compliment you on it. seriously boosts your confidence

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    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
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    Confidence is one of those fickle things, sometimes you can just ooze it, other times it takes all your energy to muster up even a smidgen of it...at least that's my experience.

    Sometimes you have to 'fake it' to make it. Act confident even if inside you don't feel it. If you stand by your convictions, then people will believe in you. First thing though, is you have to believe in yourself hun.

    Exercise can definitely help with confidence in your body image. Also things like having a new hairstyle, new outfit or a bit of make up can be a big boost to self-esteem. Doesn't have to be outrageous. Subtle, barely-there make up can look so much more flattering than obvious 'in your face' heavy make up.

    As for your current situation, by all means have some fun with a guy that likes you for you and who isn't just using you or treating you as 2nd best. But it may do you some good to focus on yourself and get yourself happy with who you are.

    If you need counselling for your depression, then you may not have enough emotional energy to deal with being in a relationship right now. On the other hand, you may find it helps having a supportive partner, but the guys you've mentioned ('cam guy' and the one you really like but he's with someone else) don't sound like relationship material imo.

    Another thing that may be good for your self esteem, is finding hobbies you really enjoy. Could be something creative, something sporty, musical or playing board games! Whatever floats your boat. But something you love doing and can get some escape in to free your mind from whatever bothers or worries you.

    apologies for the long post, but a lot of people on here are concerned for you. Hope you look after yourself hun xx

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you for the posts. At the gym I do a bit of everything and always push further either adding extra weights or doing more of it and no muscle or anything I check.

    As for cam guy we haven't spoken in a bit I don't know if his phone has been fixed or not yet because he said it would be hopefully this week.

    As for the guy I really like, I just want him to see me as another option I don't care just so long as he's in my life. I just want to cuddle him and have him as a part of my life I'll hide all and any feelings if it means I could have fun with him and have things back the way they were.

    I'm not creative or able to do music or anything I don't have hobbies and there's nothing I'm interested in or have time for

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    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
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    Kirsty92 wrote:

    I'm not creative or able to do music or anything I don't have hobbies and there's nothing I'm interested in or have time for

    Is that really true, Kirsty or is it the depression talking??

    if you find something you really enjoy doing, you will MAKE time to do it! What about writing (short stories, poetry, whatever) or making cards? Something to do with nature? There is bound to be something out there for you!

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    Kirsty92 [sign in to see picture]
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    No it's not the depression I tried dancing and I can't dance, I can't sing or dance or play any instruments, I can't do creative writing or drawing, I'm no good at drama, I can't ride a bike, I tried to learn how to draw and still try now but I suck at that too, I'm no good at any sport and I'm not changing how I look despite all my time at the gym and pool

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    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    Kirsty92 wrote:

    No it's not the depression I tried dancing and I can't dance, I can't sing or dance or play any instruments, I can't do creative writing or drawing, I'm no good at drama, I can't ride a bike, I tried to learn how to draw and still try now but I suck at that too, I'm no good at any sport and I'm not changing how I look despite all my time at the gym and pool

    Then you need to try MORE things! Try learning a language, try some volunteering work, try a different sport. Remember, everyone was a beginner at some point.

    I think Kirsty hun you need to learn to love yourself first before you concentrate on a relationship or someone else. Just because you're "chubby" as you say is completley irrelevant, you are beautiful. It's all how you see yourself, if you can't see that, you need to get help. Then the rest will follow naturally on from there.

    This other guy, not cam guy, sounds like he is just carrot dangling hun. He wants the security because he knows you'll be there. If he truly truly wanted to be with you, he would. Sorry that is probably not what you wanted to hear. I would trade everything I own/could own/all the money in the world to have my man by my side, if he wouldn't say the same in return then I think there's a problem somewhere.

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    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Do you like video games? Just Dance is great fun.

    Some ideas for hobbies are:-

    cross stitch - really simple to learn how to do and you can make lovely things as gifts for people.

    Jewellery making kits - you can make lovely presents for friends and family or just make some stuff for yourself. If you really enjoy doing it you could even start selling your stuff at craft fairs.

    Nail art - great fun. Lots of cool ideas on the internet and you could do it on yourself, friends and family.

    Reading is a great way to pass the time and there's lots of naughty books out there to get your imagination going. As luvbunny said you could even write your own little fantasy stories.

    Walking - great for exercise and clearing your head. Do you have a dog or could you borrow one?

    Baking and decorating cakes for friends and family.

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