• Question for Domme and subs

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    Feminfinity [sign in to see picture]
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    Do you think it is right for a sub to choose or dictate his tasks, punishments or rewards to his Domme? Isnt that like topping from the bottom? Or for the sub to break the basic rules of the relationship when he doesnt get what he wants, i.e sex? Doesnt that defeat the whole purpose of him being the sub, and worse, breaking the trust of his Domme??

    Please specify which one you are when you answer.

    Ready?

    Go!

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    Lovethekink [sign in to see picture]
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    It does depend how much of a dom and sub relationship there is going on, I'm most definitely a sub in the bedroom,at the same time though it's me who chooses our toys etc but when it comes down to actual sex I'm a sub. Our sub/dom relationship doesn't extend out of the bedroom though. When it comes to actual relationship dynamics we are rather old fashioned, I deal with the house and children and he goes to work, tea on the table when he gets in kind of thing. And that works for us


    Although I do occasionally like to dictate what I want (very rarely mind) I love to peg my husband and he enjoys it (even then I'm still pretty sub, I'm not one for being dominating) but it's something we both enjoy and it's not very often we do it, when we do it's more me wanting to give him somethjng he enjoys.

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    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    Topping from the bottom is generally seen as not a good thing. I mean it's possible to communicate what you'd like to happen someday or what your likes/dislikes/fantasies are without dictating what your dom should do to you. Definitely a no no to me.

    As for reaking the basic rules of the relationship when they dont get what they want, I am not sure exactly what you mean by that but that sounds like more than just a sub/dom issue and yes, it is certainly a break of trust that, depending what has happened, could well be cause to stop the relationship altogether.

    To me, yes it does defeat the purpose of being the sub and if my partner started breaking rules in our relationship? Hm. We'd have a lot more to talk about than who is being submissive or not.

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    Feminfinity [sign in to see picture]
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    Jessicaleon11 wrote:

    It does depend how much of a dom and sub relationship there is going on, I'm most definitely a sub in the bedroom,at the same time though it's me who chooses our toys etc but when it comes down to actual sex I'm a sub. Our sub/dom relationship doesn't extend out of the bedroom though.

    If that works for you then that's fine. But and as a female Domme, the Domme/sub relationship does extend out of the bedroom. If it didn't, then it would just be the sub always getting what he wants without earning it. So in order for the sub to earn any sexual (or other) rewards that he wants in the bedroom, he has to earn it out of the bedroom. 

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    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    I suppose for me, the important thing is to have clearly defined rules and boundaries so that it's clear when rules are being broken.
    Personally I like to push at the edges of my rules but that's just me and the dynamic we have.
    As with all relationships, everyone's D/s dynamic will be different, do its important to communicate and build up those boundaries.

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    HappilyExperimenting [sign in to see picture]
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    Sum Sub - What are clearly defined rules and boundaries? Obviously these will differ from couple to couple but a few examples would be nice :) The only reference I have for a contract between sub and Dom is the terrible contract in Fifty Shades book, and various erotic books I own.

    I do agree that when in the bedroom, and one of you is the sub and one the Dom/Domme, topping from the bottom can lead to a conflict in power. Not a good idea if you're meant to be dominant!

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    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    HE - When we do this it tends to be 24/7 over 2 to 4 days.
    We have a long standing list of hard and soft limits and a safety word.
    Each play we agree a start signal and an exit strategy. We often use absence, so she will go out and when she comes back we will be in our roles. Or we will use sleep to signal the end.
    We've also used other methods like marking my skin or making me wear something, and I'm only released when she wipes it off or she removes it
    As for rules, a staple for us is I must be chivalrous at all times - open doors etc. We also have a communication rule whereby if I want to talk I must kneel at her feet and wait to be given permission. I am responsible for all cleaning tidying prepping etc.
    The rules you can make as few or as many as you like - but how are you to be chastised if they are no rules to hold you to.
    If she feels like power is shifting and I'm trying to top she will break off whatever we're doing and send me to sit on the bathroom floor for x minutes. I must then apologise and make good. Neither of us want this break in proceedings so it acts as a good deterrent to me.

    We've been doing this quite a while now so gave learnt a lot about each others expectations desires and weaknesses. But you learn as you go, which is why it's important to communicate - debrief afterwards and talk about what could have been done differently.

    I also keep a diary which we both refer to for ideas, memories and also an inventory.

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    Feminfinity [sign in to see picture]
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    I think some of you are missing the point. The basic rules of the relationship that I was referring to (incase it was not already clear) are NOT sexual, but are important rules that builds trust in the begining of the relationship, and should never be broken. Obviously different from couple to couple. Nothing to do with "when in the bedroom" So can we remember that when we post replies to the original question. Thanks. :-)

    And remember, as the female Domme, the Domme/sub relationship does extend out of the bedroom. If it didn't, then it would just be the sub always getting what he wants without earning it. So in order for the sub to earn any sexual (or other) rewards that he wants in the bedroom (or any sexual environment), he has to earn it out of the bedroom.

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    poppycat [sign in to see picture]
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    I understand you want your question answered but I think domme or not, you are being rude.
    That being said if the sub has chosen to be a sub they should abide by the rules they've agreed upon and these should be reviewed regularly, safe words must be in place. Domme/ sub or Dom/sub relationship is no place for abuse, it's a fine line.
    I'm a sub type.

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    HappilyExperimenting [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks subby! It's a good idea to keep a diary, might go out and buy myself a private little one :) Your idea of being marked on the body (I'm thinking drawn on, mainly) is an amazing idea! Thank you for your input!

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    Feminfinity [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Happily. That was very helpful

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    Sinner [sign in to see picture]
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    i'm neither, but i would have thought that if you are a sub you have to do as you are told when acting that role and any discussion of punishment and tasks should not take place during that time unless specifically asked for by the Domme.

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    Sinner [sign in to see picture]
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    And for the record yes, you are a bit rude and sarcastic

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    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    Feminfinity wrote:

    Thanks Happily. That was very helpful

    Yes, it was very helpful. Showing gratitude and manners when people reply to you on an online forum are extremely helpful

    Incidentally, I found Sum Sub's reply very helpful too. Thanks for the insight!

    If fundamental rules are being broken at the start of the relationship, why are you bothering to ask anything about a sub/dom dynamic? That's pretty irrelevant, the relationship clearly has problems deeper than who is supposed the sub. Plus, have you ever thought that perhaps your own behaviour needs adjustment? Just because you are the domme doesn't mean you don't have to earn their trust too, and it doesn't mean you get to take only your own needs into consideration. If they're breaking rules because they aren't getting what they want, perhaps it is because you are making unreasonable rules while unreasonably denying them something they need under some bullshit reasoning that they need to earn everything just because they are a submissive. Not quite how it works. I think you need to go read up on being a domme and have a conversation with your sub about what they actually want out of this relationship, because it doesn't sound like you are providing it.

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    bunual [sign in to see picture]
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    Do you think it is right for a sub to choose or dictate his tasks, punishments or rewards to his Domme? Isnt that like topping from the bottom?

    Topping from the bottom is a mind game where the sub will make the Domme think she is in control but the sub is actually dictating what happens. Whilst it is, in my view, in appropriate for a sub to list out exactly what they want as tasks/punishments/rewards, it is important to understand what each party expects of each other.

    If the sub dislikes housework then the Domme may wish to use this as a punishment rather than a task. If a sub likes spankings then this would not be suitable for a punishment but a reward. If the sub hid the fact they liked it and convinced the Domme they did not, this could be "topping from the bottom", or just plain lying.

    At the end of the day, it is up to the parties involved to state up front what is expected of each of them and any limits that may be in place. If the sub has problems with cleaning solutions then they may be excused housework that used them but expected to do the cooking instead. Clear, unambigious agreement will avoid these issues and should give the Domme the tools necessary to find items for all three groups.

    If the sub (or Domme) lies during this then it would break the trust that is necessary for such an arrangement and would most likely spell the end of it.

    Or for the sub to break the basic rules of the relationship when he doesnt get what he wants, i.e sex?

    If the basic rules are broken then the rules are probably not what one of them thought they were or they lied. Either way the rules need to be clarified or changed as times goes on. The Domme may realise they aren't that keen on sex with the sub or vise-versa at which point the "reward" could be come a "punishment" for one without the other realising.

    It may be a good idea, at least early on, to have a discussion once a month, no rules and no Domme/sub where everyone can say what they feel they need to. I did this with my owner (I'm a sub) and it does help avoid feeling like you are bottling up resentment.

    Doesnt that defeat the whole purpose of him being the sub, and worse, breaking the trust of his Domme??

    The purpose of the sub is whatever was agreed. If you never discussed it, how is each party supposed to know what is expected of them? The sub will want to get something out of doing this, sometimes it's being control and for others it may be they actually enjoy service. The Domme will also want to get something out of this, maybe a clean house or a functional relationship. In either case, unless they know what the others want, achieving them is more down to luck than anything else.

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    bunual [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow, long post was long. Hope it made sense :)

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    Feminfinity [sign in to see picture]
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    Doesnt that defeat the whole purpose of him being the sub, and worse, breaking the trust of his Domme??

    The purpose of the sub is whatever was agreed. If you never discussed it, how is each party supposed to know what is expected of them? The sub will want to get something out of doing this, sometimes it's being control and for others it may be they actually enjoy service. The Domme will also want to get something out of this, maybe a clean house or a functional relationship. In either case, unless they know what the others want, achieving them is more down to luck than anything else.

    Thanks for your advice, Bunual, Jessica, Sum sub, Happily. You were actually very helpful. And yes the basic rules was agreed from the start, cos without those basic rules, I would never have agreed to the relationship with the sub in the first place. Especially with this sub. Seems some people just dont have a sense of hunour here. Chill out girls. Lets keep the claws in and not take it personal.

    And as for, "Just because you are the domme doesn't mean you don't have to earn their trust", when the sub is the one to first break your trust from the start by lying, cheating, being married and telling you that he's single, dont you think the person who should earn the trust is the one who lied in the first place? So you should not lash out when you dont know the whole story.

    And as for, "I do agree that when in the bedroom, and one of you is the sub and one is Domme, topping from the bottom can lead to a conflict in power". For most male subs, especially for mine, what turns him on happens before you're in the bedroom. It can be during the day, via texs, etc, or just in his mind. So the "Topping from the bottom can happen way before you get in the bedroom"

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