• How do i cope with wifes affair

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    Tr1cky D1cky [sign in to see picture]
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    I can't imagine what is really happening in your head, all this advice, support and comfort is amazing from people you have never met.

    I could also tell you about my history but it ultimately is you that has to make the decision but please make sure you have a support mechanism in place no matter what path you decide.

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Trust is a fragile thing. It will take time and it seems the way you are feeling would be normal what has gone on.

    If your wife has truly cut off these people, seems sorry and is opening up where there were secrets and ways to hide such as the facebook, phone, etc. I would say she is attempting to take real steps to try to seek a road forward.

    The level of hurt you have expressed demonstrates you love this woman and maybe there is something worth fighting for. I recommended counseling earlier in this thread because a neutral 3rd party may be just what you need to start establishing trust and a communication strategy for you both.

    For anyone who says "leave her" or "there is no way I would stay with someone who cheated" I guess my only caution is none of us are walking his road right now. Many couples have worked through this and many other choose to seperate but only you know what is best for your family and that decision wont come quick or easy.

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    Tr1cky D1cky wrote:

    I can't imagine what is really happening in your head, all this advice, support and comfort is amazing from people you have never met.

    I could also tell you about my history but it ultimately is you that has to make the decision but please make sure you have a support mechanism in place no matter what path you decide.

    Would like to second that on the support! It's mind bending from people we all don't know! x

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    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    This thread is how i worry i will end up feeling about my wife. Not the part about wanting to sleep with another woman but finding it a challenge to sleep with my wife. Like the op says when they had sex he questioned did they do it like this, that is what i am finding and i feel like it is never going to go away. I am now also questioning if it would be fairer on both of us if i should let her go.

    https://m.reddit.com/r/confession/comments/1ks9ge/update_my_wife_cheated_on_me_10_months_ago_and_i/

    IF THE LINK DOES NOT WORK PLEASE GOOGLE " MY WIFE CHEATED ON ME 10 MONTHS AGO ".

    ..

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Is it helping you to read these types of posts powys? If you need to vent, please vent away if it helps you process and get some of the hurt and anger out. But again, it is your family and your life the level of hurt you feel right now is part of a process. I still strongly recommend counseling no matter if you stay together or split up as you have children.

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    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    I know there was some strain on your health because of this so I just wanted to check in and see if you're okay?

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    opj [sign in to see picture]
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    (some background) My Dad had an affeir when I was very little. My Mum wanted to stay with him probably mostly due to me and my sister.

    from the perspective of the child:

    Don't stay with her just for your children. I have two memories from early childhood one being a happy one with us all curled up in bed on Christmas morning, and a much more potent and common one of me sitting outside my parents room listening in as they argued. It's not a nice memory. I'm not going to say that going through a divorce was easy, it was the most difficult thing I've done.

    That being said if you want to stay with your wife for you, then do or at least try. it's possible you could get back to normal but you'll need to allow her to regain your trust, you'll need to both let go of things you don't want to let go of, and a lot of time.

    Time, for me, is the issue. it has been more than 15 years since my Dad had an affair, and I still have not forgiven him. He betrayed my Mum, sister and myself, and when I talk to him or look at him I still think about that. I still think about the fact that he broke up my family and is the reason we all were in so much pain for so long. I don't think that there is enough time in my life for me to forgive him, as their divorce is part of me and so is his affair. I don't think I will ever be able to let his affair go in the same way that I can't just push a close friend out of my life for no reason.

    I hope my experience helps, I've tried not to give advice as I don't know your situation, but thought I'd give you my opinion from the perspective of your kids.

    If you have any questions about any of this and you want something from the reference of the child (or otherwise) then please ask

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    I agree. Staying together with the excuse it's "for the children" never works. If you do stay, it has to be "for the couple, for each other", otherwise every party (children included) will be miserable! I strongly believe in this.

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    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    I am just kicking myself lately for not spotting the sigbs in the days leading upto her going to the hotel. I am not sure if i have mentioned this in any of my posts but just a week earlier we had moved to a new home, i was so busy unpacking still and settling in that my mind was so distracted. If only i had spotted some of the warning signs.

    I was at one point thinking of putting a small voice recorder in her bedroom to try a catch her talking to someone, my mp3 player has a voice recorder, would this have been wrong of me had i have done this?

    As i say i am just kicking myself as i maybe could have been more of a man and prevented it getting as far as it did. Although i think something serious would have to have happened to get her to see she was in the wrong, If i just caught her talking to someone she would have just written it off as nothing serious, i would have had to either catch her having phone sex or seen her text messages. The later being almost imposible as she never put her phone down and as far as i know it was password protected, i could never have demanded to see her phone at any point as she is just to strong willed. She probably would have nust said if you dont trust me then it is over.

    I have decided to do what another poster has suggested. Give her a trial period of about 3 months to see if she can change,

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey mate this must be really painful for you and it is a situation I think most of us in the back of our minds dread and hope it never happens , Thats why I hate anything to do with affairs very passionately .

    As regards the warning signs just maybe you didn't want to see them as deep down you would know that this is going to be messy.and upsetting for everyone concerned .TBH if you felt this way then its very understandable and you shouldn't beat yourself up about it . What has happened has happened there is nothing you can do to change that.

    I applaud you for the way you have gone about this and the fact that you are giving her a second chance. I firmly beleive in giving everyone a second chance but it isn't going to be easy. You will have to learn along the way to trust her again.

    I still think you need to go through a little more pain yet though . But perhaps over dinner you will need to find out and ask why she wanted the affair. You need to find out if there is something within your own relationship she is not happy about . That way you can perhaps move together as a couple again and puit that right .I think its essential but don't envy you in asking this , to ensure your relatonship with her carries on otherwise the same thing could happen again. sometime in the future.

    Good luck mate .

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Powys you can't blame yourself, there is no excuse for cheating, by the sounds of it you weren't exactly neglecting her, she didn't do it because she felt unloved and someone happened to treat her well, she went looking for an affair because she likes reading erotica about affairs. She liked the idea of it, and it sounds like she enjoyed it, she met up with her friends after to talk about it.

    i think you're being very strong giving yourself time to figure things out, for the next three months just focus on being you, don't try and evaluate her behaviour constantly because you'll be biased, just go through the period, act normally, don't tell her so she doesn't put on an act, after the three months think about how you feel and if you feel like you can stay and be happy. If you think you can, set a line from that moment on, you've made a descision, it doesn't mean if it happens again you have to accept it again, but draw a line after this event to move on.

    a thing I learned from my driving lesson is that we always see going (in my case onto a roundabout) as the descision, and staying is the avoiding a descision. Like I can't decide whether to go or not so I'll stay, but the descision isn't whether to go, it's whether to go or stay, staying is a descision. To me it made it may so much easier, because I used to stay because I wanted to avoid making a descision, but by seeing both options as a descision, you have to make a decision, before it's too late, you can't stay in a state of going and staying, because you'll crash, so it made it a lot easier to make a descision, and I'm a lot more confident in my descision, because I've made a descision rather than avoiding a descision. Does that make sense?

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    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    Here is a text and reply i just had with my wife. Please tell me what you think/make of it.

    ME.
    Do you think that writing, reading and maybe talking about erotica so much made you kind of want to experiance it a little but then it just went further than it should have?. X

    HER.
    Not the reading as such. I think maybe getting so involved with all the girls.

    ME.
    Why? Where they carrying on. Do you mean because they were man obsessed or something? X.

    HER.
    Probably because they were man obsessed. Every conversation was about men they idol or would like to fuck. As such.

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Powys I completly agree you need to stop blaming yourself of "how far" it went. By the time you were ready to record her with your MP3 player don't you think the trust was gone / damage has been done?

    At the same time for others on here to imply you know this woman's state of mind is making me crazy.... while we all want to encourage and support powys I feel frustrated by this becasue none of us know what her state of mind was, what else is going on or what the "tipping" point was if you will.

    Cheating doesn't happen in a "bubble" in LTR like this in my perspective. I feel this group of "friends" was a large contributing factor. Don't get me wrong I am not saying what she did was right or ok, but none of us are going to offer up any bit of advice here that is going to be better or more healing that some professional counseling. I hate to keep beating that drum, but I do think it would really help you both sort this out.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    . Are these other girls singletons or married ?

    I would be quite surpised if they were married coming out with comments like that. Just wondering therfore if she is mixing with the wrong crowd .

    On the other hand these could be just fantasies on a similar basis I used to like Susan George but it doesn't mean I would act it out. And thats possibly were the problem lies in the fact that your Mrs wants to act them out.because perhaps she has been caught up in these girls fantasies and needs the excitment.

    If that is the case then the best option would be to seek profesional help as Vanessa has suggested as I fear there could be something not quite right with your OH's state of mind. She comes accross to me from what you have written unable to diferentiate between unacted fantasy and real life.

    Perhaps this is an avenue you could suggest over a meal out and talk it through.

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    I keep recommending counseling because there is A LOT to sort though and figure out here. Some of what you may need is individual counseling to help you work through your hurt, anger and you may even be depressed right now? For her, some of this may stem from self esteem issue or depression as well that if they are not addressed may become a pattern of seeking attention that may not manifest as an affair again but will still affect your relationship. Then as a couple being able to sort it out, work on communication, etc. Even if you decide to end the marriage your daughters will benefit from you working through the hurt and anger. If your children know what happened they may beenfit from speaking to someone or a family session at some point.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    On the Counseling front in the UK we appear to have options. You can either contact your local marraige guidance counsilling office on which they will see you in person or you can go through Web style counsilling such as Relate .I have no experience with either so I can't say one is better than the other ,

    As Vanessa says you have a lot to sort out and agree with what she says . This doesn't seem to be a one off fling from an acholoilc induced, got out of hand ,stupid night out with the girls . From that text the problem lies much deeper and without intervention it could easily happen again .

    Like I said before take her out to dinner and have a chat about it but keep being supportive and try not to apportion the blame on her even though she is clearly the instigater here.

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    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for all the ideas and thoughts so far. I have always though she does like attention. She has a heart condition and had to have a couple of surgerys during her youth, i think she may well have liked the attention from family and friends that she got when she was poorly and going through surgery etc as it was many months of recovery etc.

    Also at the begining of this year she got a bit obbsessed with channing tatum and made this well known. Her face book friends would send her pictures and related gifts such as calenders of him which she then sometimes rubbed in my face.

    As for who was aking were her friends also married, i asked her this and she said some are and not, i also asked her did any of them take it as far as her and she claims not to know.

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok, I have tried to not be a judger here but I just laughed at her not knowing... if they were in a "pack" mentality of discussing thier sex lives she knows but just does not want to discuss it with you or feel she is betraying their "secrets".

    I am so so sorry you are going through this.

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    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi vanessa, that is exactly my thought, also she did get to where she should have been on the saturday and met up with her girl friends. I asked her did she tell them where and what she got upto the night before and she said "i told them i met with him but that was it and we disscussed it no further" but i highly doubt this, i would imagine being the way they are they wanted all the juicy details and the fact she had just cheated on her husband made no difference to them. As my wife said anyone of them would leave there partner for someone they have written/read about in there erotic novels.

    Infact this author done something just like this and she is well known among my wifes circle of friends. For anyone intrested just search " daily mail jodi ellen malpas " for the full story.

    "Daily Mail"My husband was no match for the fantasy hunk in my erotic novels... so I've ditched him, says bestselling writer of steamy fiction Jodi Ellen Malpas

    Author Jodi Ellen Malpas, 34,  has split from her husband of 10 years The mother-of-two became a self-publishing sensation last year She has sold more than 500,000 copies of her steamy trilogy, This Man The author left her husband after 'falling in love' with one of her characters.

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Wow, what a toxic group of people for her to be in. I hope that she is done with these people. I am not pretending to know her state of mind, but maybe the reality of what she has done is sunk in. Sometimes it is all "fantasy world" / Escape until someone gets hurt.

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