• How do i cope with wifes affair

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    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    Last month my wife told me she was having a catch up weekend with her facebook friends friday 'til monday. I suspected nothing and believed her. When she returned on the monday she was acting suspicious while unpacking. As i walked in the room i noticed her quickly shove something back in her drawer. Then she went for a shower. I had a look and what i saw was my worst nighmare. It was her stockings and suspenders that she had worn for me the day before she went away. She had took them with her. I demended to know why she took them and the first thing she said was i did not meet anyone. Then she refused to talk for me for days. Then she finally said she was going to meet someone but bottled it. I was heartbroken.

    Then 2 weeks ago I found her bank statement. To my shock and horror there was a transaction for £80 for a hotel room and just over £50 for a restaurant over the road from the hotel. These were from the friday. She then admitted she did meet someone and eventually admitted she went back to the hotel and slept with him.

    She met this person on an internet dating site that she subscribed to behind my back in january of this year. This cost £15 a month. I am so upset by all of this.

    The problem I have is we have been married for 8 years and have 2 children.

    Until about the time she joined this penpal site we got on perfectly and were inseperable. She says she joined the site because her facebook friends said how great it was. And some were and were not in relationships.

    The problem I have is I do love the person I married to bits and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.

    Once the truth started to come out although it was more me finding out myself she changed her number. Closed down her facebook and other accounts and is also shutting down her bank account basically saying no more secrets. She swears she is so sorry and will never hurt me again. And belive me I am very hurt. Also very jealous that she could spend the night with another man while I am at home thinking she is with girlfriends.

    Also for the last 9 months she was very secret with her phone. When I questioned it she said it was girly talk and personal so although I had my suspicions I just ignored it. Guess I did not want to belive she was up to no good. She also said on a few occasions she was not sure if she wanted to be with me and was falling out of love. Now she swears she was confused and does truly love me.

    How do I cope as I love my wife and family. Do I seperate and walk away. Do I give her a chance to show she has changed and I have my wife back. Also I am having some surgery in a few weeks to help save my vision as I have an eye disease even though I am only in my late 30s. If i walk now I have nobody to support me.

    Am I a fool to see how this works out?

    Please excuse grammar as i am in a rush and on phone.

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    mrandmrsakn [sign in to see picture]
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    hey. my heart goes out to you, anyway we can talk on a more personal platform? i been through similar and put my wife through similar. still married after 25 years though so maybe something i say could help

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    steevo68 [sign in to see picture]
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    So sorry to hear this. Similar happened with my first wife. Hiding phone not that I ever checked it nights staying out secretive on computer. I walked had two kids too .whilst I could forgive I would not be able to forget which would have killed me and the relationship. When had relationship problems since then spoke to a councillor that was a great help. Can't say more than that really. Hope you find the strength to cope whatever happens. Take care

    1444837798
    Stuburns [sign in to see picture]
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    What a horrible thing to happen. Firstly dig deep and ask yourself some questions. Do you think that you could trust her again. Will the though of her with another man just crop up every time etc. I would also ask your wife what she would do if the shoe was on the other foot. Her answer could determine if she has indeed fallen out of love with you. If she says she would never forgive you then I think she may be hoping you come to the same conclusion and give her the way out of your relationship.
    Really only you can make that decision and although many can advise you you can only listen to yourself.
    With children I always say more damage can be caused to them in a broken home but if you stay together you must not allow it to affect your children.

    I wish you well for the future.

    1444838297

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    Stuburns wrote:

    What a horrible thing to happen. Firstly dig deep and ask yourself some questions. Do you think that you could trust her again. Will the though of her with another man just crop up every time etc. I would also ask your wife what she would do if the shoe was on the other foot. Her answer could determine if she has indeed fallen out of love with you. If she says she would never forgive you then I think she may be hoping you come to the same conclusion and give her therapy way out of your relationship.
    Really only you can make that decision and although many can advise you you can only listen to yourself.
    With children I always say more damage can be caused to them in a broken home but if you stay together you must not allow it to affect your children.

    I wish you well for the future.

    I totally agree with everything here that's been said. I am so so sad and sorry to hear what's happened. From what you're saying something between her and this man has been developing over a period of time, I don't think that's a good sign.

    But yes, lot's of questions need asking and answering as honestly as you both can. This is just horrible for you, and so much tougher when children are involved. xx

    1444840018

    [suspended user]

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    I am really very sorry to hear this bud. I cannot not even begin to imagine what you are going through. From the only experience I can go on, where is felt like our marriage was breaking down, communication is everything for you two right now. Be totally honest about how you feel, and keep communicating. Talk talk talk. And inbetween talking, when things occur to you that you want to talk about, write them down. How you both feel now. How you both felt before. If you are totally honest with your feelings, both of you, then you will arrive at the right place, wherever it is, together or seperate. Its very difficult having such open, raw, emotional discussions. But you just have to go through it.

    1444840315
    tider [sign in to see picture]
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    iam so sorry y do people feel the urge to hurt others no advice but hug and feel better soon

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    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    I'd just like to say I'm sad & sorry to hear what has happened. Everybody deserves loyalty in relationships. I think you need to sit and think about your options because ultimately you need to do what's best for you and your children.

    If you don't feel you can let it go and you think you would bring it up in future arguments, then it's probably better to leave sooner rather than later. You could end it now on better terms and get along for the benefit of your children.

    Is she only saying she's sorry because she's been caught out? Do you think she'd have stopped this affair if you hadn't?

    If you want to give her another chance, then that's your choice, just be careful.

    You should do whatever it is that you think will make you happy.

    The main question I'd ask myself would be is loving them enough?

    I hope you work it out. x

    1444842293
    FirstTimeLovers [sign in to see picture]
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    If it was me my gut reaction would be seperate but when you love someone it isn't that easy and i have never been in this sitution myself so it's difficult to comment but have known others in similar situations. For one they stayed together and it just happened again. For another he was a bit of a serial cheat and it all came out but since then he hasn't done it again and they happily married.

    It all just depends on your individual situation and history. For me it wouldn't be the act of cheating itself that i would have the major problem with, my issue with be the lies which may seem odd to some but that is the nature of your situation that only you can decide.

    Good luck and i hope you make the right decision.

    1444842942
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Totally agree with stubs, you might love and forgive her, but every time she turns her phone away from you will you think she's talking to someone else? Or if she goes out with her friends will you believe her? More damage can be done to kids living with parents that don't love each other than parents that are separated.
    As someone else said, this wasn't an accident, she went online to cheat, probably spoke to him for a while, paid for a hotel and a restaurant. Honestly I couldn't cope with this, I could probably cope with my OH having a one night stand while he was on a night out, but there would be A LOT of changes to make me trust him again.
    We can only give you our opinions and what we think we would do in your situation, but only you know the ins and outs, personally I think what she's done is the worst way of cheating, even taking her stockings that she wears for you. Nope, I couldn't cope. But all the best to you in what ever you decide

    1444844144
    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for the replys so far. This is how i feel

    i get hurt no matter what i decide to do, if i do what most peole would do and end it i go through hell because i lose the one person i love the most and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And if i stay together i am also hurt because i have had my heart broken, i also risk getting hurt again. It is me that gets hurt the most. I am punished and hurt no matter what happens. If i did not love her so much this would be a hell of a lot less painful.

    Also this is the cruelest part. She actually planned the friday night with another man she was speaking to because she is not sure about him in the last 24hrs cancalled him on the way to the hotel. And then invites this other man because she feels he is more genuine. How mad is that. I am so confused. I also keep trying to think how and what the night went like. And inagining her telling him to lie on the bed why she got dressed for him in the bathroom etc. It is so stomach turning.

    I bet he could not belive his luck. Gets invited to a hotel. Gets dinner bought for him and then back to the hotel for sex and dressed up for. I asked her why she had yo dress up and she said it gave her courage. I would gave thought it took coursge to dress up for a stranger. There is also the fact she risked both are sexual health. I know she would not have used any protection andcshe has as good as admited that. Sid go for a check up just incase and made her also.

    1444844436
    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    Check up did come back clear 1 week later. As i say it is her that is saying she wants to save her marrige. She has cancalled her facebook page and changed number etc.

    1444844990
    tider [sign in to see picture]
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    i know it can take up 6 months to be clear i have bitter experience so if you do have sex with her used condoms i met a man on a dating site i was no11 and did not you protection i did not have full sex he got hep b so i had to be check but i got the all clear last week but it take a lot of needles and do know he is still at it be safe

    1444846324
    sugarboobies2232 [sign in to see picture]
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    powys wrote:

    Thanks for the replys so far. This is how i feel

    i get hurt no matter what i decide to do, if i do what most peole would do and end it i go through hell because i lose the one person i love the most and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And if i stay together i am also hurt because i have had my heart broken, i also risk getting hurt again. It is me that gets hurt the most. I am punished and hurt no matter what happens. If i did not love her so much this would be a hell of a lot less painful.

    Also this is the cruelest part. She actually planned the friday night with another man she was speaking to because she is not sure about him in the last 24hrs cancalled him on the way to the hotel. And then invites this other man because she feels he is more genuine. How mad is that. I am so confused. I also keep trying to think how and what the night went like. And inagining her telling him to lie on the bed why she got dressed for him in the bathroom etc. It is so stomach turning.

    I bet he could not belive his luck. Gets invited to a hotel. Gets dinner bought for him and then back to the hotel for sex and dressed up for. I asked her why she had yo dress up and she said it gave her courage. I would gave thought it took coursge to dress up for a stranger. There is also the fact she risked both are sexual health. I know she would not have used any protection andcshe has as good as admited that. Sid go for a check up just incase and made her also.

    Cannot imagine what you are going through with this. My stomach is churning just reading this, my heart is going out to you x

    1444846509
    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    I did sleep with her shortly after as at first she uses the text were she cancalled the first man to convince me nothing happened. The text show were she told the first person it was not a good idea and makes out she came to her senses. Although very upset i belive this for the first 2 weeks. It is not until i see the bank statement that shows a £50 meal. She then tries to make out she did then just meet for a meal with him. I then point out that she has shown me texts were she cancalled him. It is at this point she then admits it was the seconed person she met with in the end. When i asked her why meet with him after cancalling the first man. Her reply was well i was alone in the hotel so i though i may as well. She then realises how that sounds and claims she never ment it like it sounds but more that she preferd him towards the end.

    Basicly these facebook friends she only knows/met as they all write erotic fiction. She feels she got to involved with them and there all pretty similar. They would leave/cheat on there partners for men they thought were like the ones they had written about. This she claims is why she is now happy to cut them of completly as she just got to involved with them and felt she was missing out as they all fantasised about other men etc. She says it was them posting about "forces penpals site" that made her feel she was left out. I would not mind but before she cheated and even though she was very secretive she had my trust. I never questioned her or checked up on her. Hence why she got away with it for 9 months. In that time she went away on 2 ocactions The first time i do think she was were she should have been as there was a big author meeting that weekend in birmingham and i dropped her off and collected her. It is just this later weekend away she cheated. She did eventually meet up with her friends but not until the saturday. It was the friday night she decided to cheat. I would not mind but as i say there was nothing suspicious before she left on tje fri morning. We had a kinky session on the thursday and when i dropped her off at the station friday morning we kissed and cuddled as we said good bye. I would never have suspected a thing If it was not for coming back and trying to hide the stockings. she would have gotten away with it because even when i found the bank statement i probably would not have even read it. As i say i fully trusted her.

    1444847379
    Couple looking to spice things up [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think she's even still being totally honest with you. She is pretty much being forced into telling you bits you have found out already.

    It's a little too late in my opinion to be closing her online accounts if she had truly regretted her actions wouldn't she have cut it off straight away? Not only doing so when she's been caught.

    1444850294
    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    It just seems so unfair. For her one night of fun i have to hurt so much. It was just over 4 weeks ago and since then i have not eaten or slept properly. She claims she never ment to hurt me but then i guess by this she means i was never ment to find out. Also 2 weeks ago i collapsed for the first time ever and had to spend 3 nights on hospital. My blood presure and heart rate wete eratic. This aftrnoon i have just had a phone call from the hopsital telling me not to drive as the 24hr ecg i had why in hospital shows a slow heart rate at night. Not sure why they only rang me now 2 weeks later. I have to wait why they investigate further. Normaly im fit and healthy.

    I just think she wanted a night in a hotel and because it was not easy for us to do together 2 children 2 dogs and we live rural away from friens family so struggle to get someone to mind them over night

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    NatandTom [sign in to see picture]
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    Whatever the reason was, I don't think there's any excuse. How do you know she wouldn't do it again? It's quite simple to re-make accounts and learn how to be sneakier about it. If she never meant to hurt you, she wouldn't have done it in the first place. People always get caught out in their lies eventually.

    This is not worth the strain on your health, please take it easy!

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    [suspended user]

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    Yes, take it easy on your health. Maybe some time away alone. Your wife can sort the kids out.

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    Feminfinity [sign in to see picture]
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    My heart goes out to you I'm so sorry to read that happened to you. I think what your wife did to you is despicable, heatless and so unfair. and there is no excuse. How do you trust someone who cheats on her husband or his wife?? How do you know it won't happen again, and again?? If you had no kids with her, believe me, my response would be different. And your still young so you won't have any problem finding someone who deserves you. However, If you dont want to leave her lying cheating ass, You need to set some rules to rebuild the trust in your relationship, whether its having access to her phone or online accounts. Either that, or you do the same thing that she did to you, and see how she likes it! And what the hell is a married/engaged person even doing on any online sites to contact/meet other people for?? How can she do that and say she never meant to hurt you?? How did she expect that to make you feel? And how would she feel if you did that to her?? Please check yourself for Std. You never know what diseases she gets from other guys and gives to you. The truth always comes out!!!

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