• Advice on communication about sex

    Tom8219 [sign in to see picture]
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    I wondered if anybody could give me some advice.

    I've been with my wife for about eight years, and happily married for two of them.

    Throughout our relationship, we probably have sex about once a week, and are both easily able to orgasm. Sex has been fun, loving and I certainly shouldn't really have anything to complain about. Over the past few years I've introduced a few toys which my wife has enjoyed. Most recently a butt plug, which my wife was very game to try and actually enjoyed it.

    But I'm the one that always instigates pushing boundaries. I'd be interested in my own boundaries being pushed, but my wife hasn't tried to do that. She very rarely masturbates and for most of our relationship she told me she didn't have any fantasies. Like a lot of people it seems, she read all three 50 shades of grey books and saw the film but didn't ever talk to me about it. She has, however, recently told me she does have a fantasy which is basically, to be treated like a 50s housewife in which I'd just have sex with her and not care about her pleasure.

    We have talked about sex, but feel we are only just starting to really communicate about it. She has expressed unease at the idea that I always buy toys etc and try to push her to try new things. Instead she wants what she calls normal sex, which she sometimes calls loving sex. She does ask me to use vibrators on her though at times.

    I'm worried that she thinks that I'm bored of her. This isn't true at all, but I don't know how best to talk to her about it all. I feel reluctant myself to open up about my fantasies as her responses in the past have made me feel like I'm slightly perverted or something.

    Anyway, apologies for the long message but if anyone could give any advice that'd be great. I guess what I want is for her to want to try new things, rather than feel she is being pushed into by me.

    Many thanks


    Lovinthetoys [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Tom,

    It sounds like you are having similar troubles to myself a few years back. We had very plain sex, with some toys and very little else. Communication is key, but again can be very difficult as you dont know how it is going to be received.

    You mentioned she has a fantasy, maybe start by indulging her on that one and showing that she can talk about her fantasies and that they can be fulfilled, that may aftwerwards help her think about what else she might like to try.

    Its going to take time bud, but it sounds like she may be as worried as you about disclosing what is really wanted in the bedroom, or maybe she really does just want "plain sex" and that is it.

    Take it easy and small steps, see how it works out.

    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Depending on how your relationship is with your Mrs you both could do a sex survey on each other .

    I did one of these around 12 months ago over dinner with my Mrs and we found it rather funny trying to initially keep the answers away from each other and every one else in the restaraunt.

    Basically its a long list of every kink,fantasy ,toy introduction,and sex positions. with the answers No,Yes or Maybe. If you have a PC with a printer you could rattle one of these out n no time at all .

    You just maybe pleasantly surprised at some of the answers but it will give you a starting point.

    Another way would be to get a couples sex game like Manogomy . Lovehoney sell this and would recomend the reviews for it including my longwinded one .

    i am guessing with you 2 its just a case of breaking the ice a bit and learning to communicate with each other especially in the bedroom .

    CountryBlonde [sign in to see picture]
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    I have the exact same problem with my partner. He was very shy in the bedroom when we first met and rarly watched porn or pleasured himself. He was brought p in a family who thinks sex is something to hide and be ashamed of. Now we have a range of toys are are always trying new things all the time, and he openly speaks about sex to me and out friends.

    I have what some people may think of as perverted fantasies and he was very very plain. The trick is baby steps the whole way. It has taken me years. Once I think I pressured him too much and he kinda went back into his shell a bit.

    The sex survey sounds like a really good idea! Also try looking through love honey together and see if anything catches her fancy?? Definatly do things she wants to do aswell. Give and take.


    [suspended user]

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    Sounds familiar. Been there, but slowly moving forwards. Agree with CountryBlonde, move with baby steps. Over years and years for us tbh. Made the mistake in the past of either trying too much too fast, or trying something new then over-analysing it afterwards in discussion until it was a turn off. Forgetting that for some things which are a turn on in the heat of the moment, when you're majoring horned up, don't seem nearly as appealing or sexy when you're not horny. In fact, when somebody is a bit wierded out by something outside of sex, but actually did just go with it during sex, I have found the best thing is not to remind them, just make a mental note during the moment, then at some point during future sex go there again. Then during future sex, not necessarily the next time, actually would recommmend not the next time, but in the future, do it again, plus a bit more, or in a certain direction. Baby steps.

    Of course this is all just talking from own experience.

    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok so there is some good advice here already.

    I think asking her about her fantasy, if it's difficult or awkward, ask her to write it down for you. Then if your up for it or if you think you could forfil her fantasy then try it. Ask for her guidance and make sure you have a safe word. I know it's a mild fantasy but there must be a safe word. Either of you might not like the situation.

    Once you have tried her fantasy, maybe ask her to do a small fantasy back. Maybe ask her to be a school teacher, and you the pupil. A pair of sexy knickers and a pair of suspenders are all she wil need as underwear with a skirt and blouse. This role play would give her the power in a situation, she gets to tell you what to do. If she gets use to having the power she might open up more about what she wants and likes, and might even take the lead in your sex life.

    Take things slow, but make sure you have the safe word it is important. My OH and I have never used our safe word but we know what it is.

    FirstTimeLovers [sign in to see picture]
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    Similar situation myself just at the other end of the spectrum; yes we have been together 4 years but we are still eachothers first times. I am the one who suggests new things, she has never really pushed my boundries and some things we have done she has enjoyed but won't do again because of a 'mental block' on it. With us time and experience will make things better.

    Tom8219 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
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    Thanks so much for all your advice. It's really appreciated.

    It's encouraging to hear other people are, or have been, in similar situations. I think one of the overwhelming messages is to take time and make small steps. But there's lots more food for thought, so will have a bit more of a think about it all.

    My suspicion is I need to actually try and talk about it less and back off a little bit, and let her talk about it more when she's ready or after a bit of time.

    Thanks again.


    wizdot [sign in to see picture]
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    Similar position we found the card games helpful, 50 Positions of Bondage and Bound by Love. We leave a few out that we are not yet comfortable with. Also with the 50 Positions you can discard cards on to the pile and even vary the game sometimes we do all him or her cards. We have pushed our boundaries but there are still cards that we are not yet ready to use.

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