• OH seems disinterested in some toys and trying kinkier sex

    1443381597
    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1017
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2013

    I'm having a bit of an issue with my OH and our interests in sex at the present time.

    Since discovering Lovehoney (I'm the one with the account), I've bought a fair number of toys (some may say too many...) and lingerie to try and spice things up for us.

    We've been together 13.5 yrs, and in quite a few years of our time together, I felt a bit unfulfilled with our sex life. That was as much my fault as his, so not trying to place blame on him. I think I felt unconfident in asking for what I liked.

    So, now I know more what I like, and I'm trying to introduce aspects of more kink into our love life, including massage candles, rocks, ticklers, glass toys and vibrators. I'm also starting to experiment with anal play, but OH is averse to any butt play with me, and I think that is one line that he's not prepared to cross now if ever...

    I could live without that, but what frustrates me, is lately I seem to initiate sex a lot, and he sometimes complains it's too 'contrived' whatever that means, and I try to ask him to explain what he does mean, but then he can't really tell me.

    All in all, it's starting to get me very frustrated, to the point where I just want to go to bed without him. We're still in the same bed, not that extrerme yet! but it just makes me feel like I'm his housemate and a housekeeper than his wife.

    we have a young baby, so I get that he's tired after work. But I sometimes feel like things are just too much effort for him. And his apathy makes me sometimes feel like I can't be bothered.

    On Friday night, I got some sexy wear on while he walked the dog, and gave him a blow job when he got back. We had sex, and after some recovery time had another round. The second round was better than the first, and afterwards we did talk properly, but it feels like he always holds back on me when discussing stuff.

    maybe he doesn't know what he wants to say or how to say it, but I don't understand why it's so hard for him to put into words what he feels and thinks about what we're doing.

    sorry to ramble on, but as I've said, this is starting to get frustrating, and is going to cause tension before long.

    any advice welcome

    1443390391
    thedevils-little-helper [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major
    • Posts: 147
    • Joined: 28 May 2015

    Contrived = "deliberately created rather than arising naturally or spontaneously.

    • created or arranged in a way that seems artificial and unrealistic." Not everybody feels comfortable with the concept of toys, which is fine. I know I had trouble convincing my ex to even use a little bullet vibrator with me. And people's sex drives change. Maybe he's just having a low sex drive phase. If you try to push him into anything, you'll just push him away, so go at his pace. Sex isn't the only thing relationships are about, and if you've recently had a baby maybe he's just exhausted and got more important things to do/think about. If you have toys, just masturbate while he's at work or something. If your relationship doesn't work without sex, maybe you're with the wrong person.

    1443395035
    lmh95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3609
    • Joined: 6 Aug 2014

    Could it be that he feels a little intimidated by the toys and that just him isn't enough for you anymore?

    I bought some toys and lingerie to spice up things here too, nothing threatening just a bullet vibrator, feather tickler and a flogger and my OH is fine with using them now and again but not all the time. I still think I prefer just the two of us hands on without the buzzing noise of the bullet and we both enjoy the feather tickler and flogger used on me. They didn't do anything for him.

    I've never owned any sex toys before and didn't want to offend OH' s ego by getting a huge dildo or large vibrator. He also has no interest in bum fun and is horrified by the thought of it.

    Do you still kiss, hold hands and cuddle without it having to lead to sex? Maybe he wants to be romanced a bit first before naturally leading to sex if you both feel like it.

    He is probably as you say tired from working hard and getting used to having a young baby in the house.

    Don't worry his mojo will return and till then you can have some fun alone with your new toys.

    1443396106
    HappilyExperimenting [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1963
    • Joined: 14 Feb 2012

    I think maybe he's feeling threatened by your toys? I don't have much advice, except to talk together about your wants and needs. Maybe writing a letter would help? Or making a list of slightly kinky things you'd like to try (oily massage, blindfolding and tickling, etc) and ask him to tick which ones he would like to try.

    As for sex being too contrived, maybe a change of scenery is needed? I don't really know what else to say, you need to have a good long talk with your OH about everything, it could just be a phase :)

    1443427118
    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1017
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2013

    Sometimes I do think maybe he feels a bit sidelined by the toys perhaps...I try to reassure him that they are not replacements for him, but add-ons that I like to enjoy on my own, and with him when he wants to join me. He does use some of my glass toys on me.

    I try to show affection for him as well, by kissing him, stroking him ( sometimes he just gets ticklish though, so then I can't touch him!) and holding his hand etc.

    If either of us has a reason to be insecure, it'd be me as he's had more partners before me. He is my 2nd sexual partner. I used to be more prim about sex, probably because of my upbringing, and fear that if I ever got pregnant while young it would ruin my life (perhaps a bit overdramatic I know), but let's say I didn't want to take any risks in that respect until I was definitely ready for a child.

    so in some ways, I think the toys for me are a way to experience the variety I didn't have from other sexual partners, as dumb as that sounds. If I'm only going to have one real penis for the rest of my life, then I'd like to enjoy as many toy ones as well as I can😜

    Last night we did have more spontaneous sex and again this morning. I enjoyed both times and I am really happy with him in general not just for sex. Sometimes, I think it's just a communication thing. I talk way more than he does...as you can probably gather from my forum posts, lol, but for me talking is important.

    lets just say, there have been times in my life when I should have talked more, but didn't and instead I bottled things up, then it all went to shit. I never want to go there again. Ever. So I think it's important to talk. He knows how important it is to me as well. He stood by me through all the shit, and yes, I've been a pain in the ass to live with at times, but he's not perfect either, so we just need to communicate as best we can and make the most of things. I have thought about writing him a letter too, HappilyExperimenting.

    He has written to me in the past when he found it hard to say things to me, so yeah, that's probably the way forward.

    His mojo is there, it just needs a bit of encouragement. Maybe I'm a bit blunt and heavy-handed at times, but sometimes subtlety just doesn't work, so then I go to the other extreme. Maybe I'm just an All or Nothing kind of person...

    1443455941
    charliemichelle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 466
    • Joined: 8 Jul 2010

    can understand

    1443456001
    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1017
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2013

    With whom? Me or the OH? Or both?

    1443456442
    charliemichelle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 466
    • Joined: 8 Jul 2010

    both

    1443456559
    paulsballs [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2060
    • Joined: 24 Jul 2014

    Luv bunny wrote:

    Sometimes I do think maybe he feels a bit sidelined by the toys perhaps...I try to reassure him that they are not replacements for him, but add-ons that I like to enjoy on my own, and with him when he wants to join me. He does use some of my glass toys on me.

    I try to show affection for him as well, by kissing him, stroking him ( sometimes he just gets ticklish though, so then I can't touch him!) and holding his hand etc.

    If either of us has a reason to be insecure, it'd be me as he's had more partners before me. He is my 2nd sexual partner. I used to be more prim about sex, probably because of my upbringing, and fear that if I ever got pregnant while young it would ruin my life (perhaps a bit overdramatic I know), but let's say I didn't want to take any risks in that respect until I was definitely ready for a child.

    so in some ways, I think the toys for me are a way to experience the variety I didn't have from other sexual partners, as dumb as that sounds. If I'm only going to have one real penis for the rest of my life, then I'd like to enjoy as many toy ones as well as I can😜

    Last night we did have more spontaneous sex and again this morning. I enjoyed both times and I am really happy with him in general not just for sex. Sometimes, I think it's just a communication thing. I talk way more than he does...as you can probably gather from my forum posts, lol, but for me talking is important.

    lets just say, there have been times in my life when I should have talked more, but didn't and instead I bottled things up, then it all went to shit. I never want to go there again. Ever. So I think it's important to talk. He knows how important it is to me as well. He stood by me through all the shit, and yes, I've been a pain in the ass to live with at times, but he's not perfect either, so we just need to communicate as best we can and make the most of things. I have thought about writing him a letter too, HappilyExperimenting.

    He has written to me in the past when he found it hard to say things to me, so yeah, that's probably the way forward.

    His mojo is there, it just needs a bit of encouragement. Maybe I'm a bit blunt and heavy-handed at times, but sometimes subtlety just doesn't work, so then I go to the other extreme. Maybe I'm just an All or Nothing kind of person...

    Perhaps you could write back to him and tell him what you are telling us. Is the lack of interest a symptom of something else.

    Could possibly have a weekend away from everything and just get back to basics and then grow together from there.

    Good luck.

    1443456873
    charliemichelle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 466
    • Joined: 8 Jul 2010

    one of the most intersting storys i have read on here

    1443457374
    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1017
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2013

    Interesting...in what way?

    I think he is more of a romantic really. And he is pretty stubborn. But then so am I.

    We did have a few nights away for our anniversary earlier this month, and in some ways it was good, but then I think I expected too much, which lead to a bit of disappointment.

    Hindsight is always better. But the hopeful side of me was wishing for more... I'm just a demanding diva maybe...lol.

    1443458095
    charliemichelle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 466
    • Joined: 8 Jul 2010

    its great that theres people here to help

    1443458257
    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1017
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2013

    It really is, and I'm grateful for people's advice on here. So many people from different walks of life.

    1443458687
    charliemichelle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 466
    • Joined: 8 Jul 2010

    when i said intersting was meant in a nice way dosent have to be all about rude or kinky sex so thats why i found your story intersting

    1443459965
    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1017
    • Joined: 28 Nov 2013

    charliemichelle wrote:

    when i said intersting was meant in a nice way dosent have to be all about rude or kinky sex so thats why i found your story intersting

    I wasn't questioning you because I thought you were only interested in the sex part. Was intrigued to find out what made my post so interesting...I'm just a woman who is in love with her OH and yeah we have our issues, who doesn't? But in the end, I just want our marriage to work for us, and not have things like resentment build up and poison things.

    communication is sometimes difficult when you have a guy who is really not very vocal, and a woman who maybe says too much in the heat of the moment.

    1443461167
    charliemichelle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 466
    • Joined: 8 Jul 2010

    being a women to is why your story was intersting my oh loves toys morethan i do but as we do talk to each other we tryto do both kinky sex and loveing sex.

    1443461220
    charliemichelle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 466
    • Joined: 8 Jul 2010

    try better to communicat

    1443461256
    charliemichelle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 466
    • Joined: 8 Jul 2010

    then you might both enjoy as we do all of are sex

    1443461366
    charliemichelle [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 466
    • Joined: 8 Jul 2010

    and its good to talk hun

    1443463750
    MrTsex [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 115
    • Joined: 11 Mar 2010

    charliemichelle wrote:

    being a women to is why your story was intersting my oh loves toys morethan i do but as we do talk to each other we tryto do both kinky sex and loveing sex.

    Good advice. I like to experiment with my sex life too. Me and my wife love each other endlessly but when it comes to sex we have differences. I love rather large dildos in my bum and dressing in lingerie but my wife doesn't like me doing this. This does not however mean our sex life is bad. We have an amazing relationship and sex life. Its good to talk and see what you both want so that you don't just jump in and make things awkward. In the end in my situation I just pleasure myself in that area alone. Were both OK with that. And because I don't keep my endeavours secret no one gets hurt. Good advice from charliemichelle.

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.