• Couples with very different sex drives - how do you overcome it?

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    bharool [sign in to see picture]
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    Cheers, you're welcome

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    I have a ludicrously high sex drive and often feel the need to orgasm 20/25 times a day. Oh has a very low sex drive and only wants sex 1 or 2 times a week.

    The solution.....I have a huge box of toys and play on my own loads. I would love sex more but he dosent and I have to respect his wishes.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Terri JJ wrote:

    I have a ludicrously high sex drive and often feel the need to orgasm 20/25 times a day. Oh has a very low sex drive and only wants sex 1 or 2 times a week.

    The solution.....I have a huge box of toys and play on my own loads. I would love sex more but he dosent and I have to respect his wishes.

    If you put a sexy costume on and sat on his knee , surely he wouldn't be able to resist that, as I find it difficult when my Mrs does it to me as my sex drive is lower than hers at this time of the year.

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    mysteron wrote:

    Terri JJ wrote:

    I have a ludicrously high sex drive and often feel the need to orgasm 20/25 times a day. Oh has a very low sex drive and only wants sex 1 or 2 times a week.

    The solution.....I have a huge box of toys and play on my own loads. I would love sex more but he dosent and I have to respect his wishes.

    If you put a sexy costume on and sat on his knee , surely he wouldn't be able to resist that, as I find it difficult when my Mrs does it to me as my sex drive is lower than hers at this time of the year.

    He can resist anything I've tried so far............and its not really a case of him resisting, hes just not interested 

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    TheDoctor [sign in to see picture]
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    I would say I have a higher sex drive than my wife, we're down to the customary once a week. I would like more sex but think I've got used to the once a week thing. If I get horny then I do take care of myself.

    I've tried talking to my wife on numerous occasions now but having more sex or even spicing it up a bit but things go okay for a week or so then slip into the same old story.

    Even the once a week occasion is not that great. She shows very little interest and it feels like another one of her chores like doing the ironing or similar. She won't dress up or even put on a pair of stockings. I bought a strap on so we could do some role reversal but she never wants to use it.

    I sometimes think if she can't be bothered then why should I? I think I won't bother with the once a week occasion but then its like I'm cutting off my nose to spite my face.

    We never really argue about anything other than the lack of sex and quality of our once a week session. Why is she so dis-interested? We generally get on well, its just like she cant be bothered and its too much effort. Even when we do it, its like she wants to get it over with. Just fed up really and a bit despondent about it. I heard somewhere that sex is the glue that holds a marriage together.😒

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    Housewife182 [sign in to see picture]
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    I have a similar circumstance with my partner. We have now been together for five years. My sex drive to this day is still super high.I first confronted him about my high drive and his low the first year of our relationship. And we came to an agreement that we would have sex at least once a week.
    If I'm not intermet or mastobate I become very sexualy frustrated which leads to me not getting much sleep.
    What helped us is we both just had to except that we where both just different.
    The pluse side is that when you two are intermet it will be more special and intense. And when your not just finger bang yourself to bliss hahah.

    Xxx

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    Sagefemme [sign in to see picture]
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    My and the lovely husband had issues with this for several years. When we first met I had a very high sex drive but four children and a full-time job meant I was almost always too tired and had other things to do. He felt very rejected and unattractive. We decided about six months ago that we needed to do something about it as it was leading to constant rowing - he felt I didn't like him, I felt constantly pressured for sex and afraid to be affectionate towards him in case it was misconstrued. The key seems to be good communication - I explained how pressured I felt and he explained how rejected he felt. We came up with some compromises - I would try sex sometimes even if I wasn't in the mood to see if I changed my mind (worked surprisingly well!), he would stop making 'jokes' and snidey comments about how long it had been and how desperate he was. If he suggests it and I really don't want to, I try to explain that whilst I am too tired/busy/whatever, he is still gorgeous and maybe later/tomorrow/if he makes the packed lunches while I put the laundry away! If I give him a hug or a kiss, he doesn't automatically assume that means sex and then get huffy when it doesn't. Our relationship is 100% better now and we do have sex more often as well! I would thoroughly recommend a book called When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life by Sandra Pertot which really helped us talk things through and get a better understanding of each other's point of view.

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    Eager-2-Please [sign in to see picture]
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    I haven't overcome it. Just trying to deal with it. I get sex about 2 or 3 times a year - on average about once every 4-6 months. Basically when I get so profoundly forlorn that she feels obligated to throw me a bone. I think it's called pity sex. She'll offer hand and blow jobs more often than that, but I think it's more out of a sense of obligation, not because she wants to or enjoys it. I'll often offer to just get her off with fingers/tongue, without penetration, but she's not interested.

    She simply has no desire. I try not to be the pressurising hound. It just depresses me and I get all moody and passive-agressive. The rejection and feeling unwanted is hard. My sense of self-worth has taken a major hit and am starting to feel quite broken over the whole thing, to the point where the thought of sex fills me with anxiety rather than lust.

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    OMG that was me for a great many years, but I was on some pretty potent meds for fibromyalgia. A labido killer. It was very tough going for my Oh, but he stuck by my side. Now that I've dumped all those meds my hornyness is off the scale this past 18 mths!

    I need it all the time and the poor bugger can't keep up!! I masturbate daily and well...I need fucking 24/7 lol I would look at the bigger pic though if medication of any sort is not an issue here. Think some deep conversations might need to opened up between the pair of you. It might even be hormones, has she checked with the doc and had blood work done. Her levels might be very low and she may need help in that dept!

    All things worth exploring :)

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    TheDoctor [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel a lot of the above too, I'm at the point where I've about lost interest in sex with my partner. I don't really get any affection either.

    I know it sounds like a sob story but we've had the arguments and the talks and think we've resolved it but nothing really changes.

    I don't expect a miracle answer, I just wanna be heard and to share my feelings. I don't ask for much I think, maybe the infrequent disinterested sex wouldn't be so bad if a little love came instead.

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    I'm sad all over again reading this. We all need and want to feel loved, desired and explored, yet there are some of us for what ever reason fail to get that. I'm glad you read the above, perhaps long talks and honesty about your inner most feelings may help things along.

    I'm happy to see the guys here feel they can express such feeling here knowing they will be listened to and yes...heard. Please keep talking, here and at home, it's so healthy x

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    TheDoctor [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks Ozz, its good to know people are listening.👍

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    Always huni, always x

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    babymable [sign in to see picture]
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    My partner and I are in the same situation. He has a personality disorder which causes him to have little to no sexual desire at all, he is on meds as well and that doesn't help either. He did try coming off the meds for a year to see if that helped at all but it didn't so he is back on them again. We have sex about once a month/month and half.

    Sometimes it makes me feel like shit, it makes me feel un attactive or that he doesn't love me. I suffer from depression so maybe it makes me feel worse than it should. I knew when I met him he had the personality disorder but didn't know it affected him sexually until a few months in by then I was on love with him and couldn't leave. Now 3 years on it's still a huge issues with us. I could have sex every day no problem my sex drive is really high so I'm always using my toys. It gets you down though. Sometimes I lay in bed and cry because I feel so alone. I know he loves me though but it's still hard. Sometimes it feels like its more of a friendship than a relationship.

    It's a very hard position to be in. I really don't know what to tell you as I am trying to figure the same thing out. I just try and get by with my toys but it's very lonely and it's not the same as physical sex with someone. We have had quite a few arguments about it and in the last weeks he has ben trying a bit harder. Is this something that you think will end up coming between you guys. Maybe try talking to him again about it and tell him how your feeling. I wish you all the luck !

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    Mr minns [sign in to see picture]
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    I am in exactly the same situation. It feels like my OH doesn't have any desire or passion towards me anymore. I am lucky to have sexual contact every 6-8 months. I always get told to"sort myself out" if I get horny. I have tried talking to her but she never wants to talk always thinks I am pressurising her. I don't know what to do can anyone give me any advice please 😢

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    pierre_s [sign in to see picture]
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    We've been together for almost 12 years and our sex drives seem to be the same but still for years we only managed about once a month, sometimes less.
    It made me feel bad, well, us both really. But if turns out it was just small changes needed to reverse the whole situation.
    Routine turned out to be main killer. Get up, go to work, home home, eat, watch TV, sleep. No time for kink in that if you're not actively listen to your instincts. So I did and (after fretting about it for a good few years) bought her something I have a major kink for (sheer luxury totally seamless tights) and luckily she loved it. Then you need to be careful not to get into another routine and keep at it. This has been fairly recently, hence my presence on here.
    Another reason for the mismatch was that were simply out of sync at times. I love sex in the morning or a slow long session in the afternoon. She's more of an evening person. Once you're aware of that you can change little things and cum to an agreement if you like :).
    I do like what I've seen on the forum lately, which is to write down a number of things you'd like to try and then see if they match and/or are agreeable. I'll introduce that tonight and I shall report back if anyone's interested.
    Stress is a massive killer I found but ironically, sex is the best remedy for it too. You just need to find the time to release it and then keep at it. I know it's easier said than done but worth persisting at in my opinion.

    In most cases it's about instinct. And kink is a great instinct enhancer in my opinion.
    When I was younger I used to react to instincts a lot more than now that I'm in my mid thirties when I'm supposed to be all grown up. You know, stuff like doing it outdoors or on the train - basically where ever the mood took us. Now I think of consequences more and that seems to be trumping instincts more often than not and that's a shame.
    So here's to harnessing the power of our animal sides and do what you're (both) comfortable with and if you decide you don't like it chalk it up as not to be repeated.

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    babymable wrote:

    My partner and I are in the same situation. He has a personality disorder which causes him to have little to no sexual desire at all, he is on meds as well and that doesn't help either. He did try coming off the meds for a year to see if that helped at all but it didn't so he is back on them again. We have sex about once a month/month and half.

    Sometimes it makes me feel like shit, it makes me feel un attactive or that he doesn't love me. I suffer from depression so maybe it makes me feel worse than it should. I knew when I met him he had the personality disorder but didn't know it affected him sexually until a few months in by then I was on love with him and couldn't leave. Now 3 years on it's still a huge issues with us. I could have sex every day no problem my sex drive is really high so I'm always using my toys. It gets you down though. Sometimes I lay in bed and cry because I feel so alone. I know he loves me though but it's still hard. Sometimes it feels like its more of a friendship than a relationship.

    It's a very hard position to be in. I really don't know what to tell you as I am trying to figure the same thing out. I just try and get by with my toys but it's very lonely and it's not the same as physical sex with someone. We have had quite a few arguments about it and in the last weeks he has ben trying a bit harder. Is this something that you think will end up coming between you guys. Maybe try talking to him again about it and tell him how your feeling. I wish you all the luck !

    Oh my gosh!!! I don't know what to say except I'm so sorry to read your plight. He's such a lucky man to have to there by his side and still wanting to show him all of you. My Oh had the same frustration with me for many yrs due to some potent meds I had to be on just to walk and function! We had very little contact until I dumped all my meds for my condtion, dumped 3 stone and gave up smoking all last year. My sex drive is in insane mode and now he can't keep up or doesn't want me!!

    Life is swings and roundabouts and I think you just have to feel your way around as a couple and push through.

    Can they possibly change his meds around to a different one. I know they'll be playong havoc with his sex drive, it'll be through the floor! No good for you, yes we have toys but they're no substitute for the real thing! Can he enjoy foreplay with you? can you make each other pleasured in that way?

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    TickleMeTots [sign in to see picture]
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    pierre_s wrote:

    We've been together for almost 12 years and our sex drives seem to be the same but still for years we only managed about once a month, sometimes less.
    It made me feel bad, well, us both really. But if turns out it was just small changes needed to reverse the whole situation.
    Routine turned out to be main killer. Get up, go to work, home home, eat, watch TV, sleep. No time for kink in that if you're not actively listen to your instincts. So I did and (after fretting about it for a good few years) bought her something I have a major kink for (sheer luxury totally seamless tights) and luckily she loved it. Then you need to be careful not to get into another routine and keep at it. This has been fairly recently, hence my presence on here.
    Another reason for the mismatch was that were simply out of sync at times. I love sex in the morning or a slow long session in the afternoon. She's more of an evening person. Once you're aware of that you can change little things and cum to an agreement if you like :).
    I do like what I've seen on the forum lately, which is to write down a number of things you'd like to try and then see if they match and/or are agreeable. I'll introduce that tonight and I shall report back if anyone's interested.
    Stress is a massive killer I found but ironically, sex is the best remedy for it too. You just need to find the time to release it and then keep at it. I know it's easier said than done but worth persisting at in my opinion.

    In most cases it's about instinct. And kink is a great instinct enhancer in my opinion.
    When I was younger I used to react to instincts a lot more than now that I'm in my mid thirties when I'm supposed to be all grown up. You know, stuff like doing it outdoors or on the train - basically where ever the mood took us. Now I think of consequences more and that seems to be trumping instincts more often than not and that's a shame.
    So here's to harnessing the power of our animal sides and do what you're (both) comfortable with and if you decide you don't like it chalk it up as not to be repeated.

    Yes! This is defiantly the problem with me and my partner, routine. He commutes to London 5/6 times a week and I'm either at uni or work. When we are both home it's mostly about cleaning, eating and getting sleep, we don't really have time to get intimate and if there is time we are both very tired.

    We've still not managed to get things back to how we used to be, but there's a better understanding and I know it's not longer me.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Whats most intersting here is that there is no right or wrong answer . Everyone is different . I think as couples, if one of the parties isn't really happy about the situation then the only way forward is to talk and try and resolve the situation .

    My own situation isnt that different, in that sometimes we are not quite in sync with my sex drive being particulalrly low at this time of the year .To make matters worse because of the age of my Mrs ,her monthlies are eratic . For example we were both in sync this weekend only to be foiled by the start of her period .

    We will have to wait to see what happens at weekend as she made a promise to be the naughty college girl again and we will have the house to ourselves .I am quite sure I will overcome my low sexdrive when I see here in the outfit. It is a big turn on for me and never fails .

    I know roleplaying isn't everyones cup of tea and its often the acting dialogue is one of the things that put people off , but if cleaning is in the way and kids are out of the way, then why not try cleaning wearing a sexy maids uniform. or for him a pair of butler shorts . I don't think much dialogue would be needed here ! This way I think house chores could be made fun and don't forget to tease as well .

    The main thing in all of this is to remember and show that you still love,support and worship your partner no matter how often sex may be or not in some cases .

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