• Omg I've had enough

    1440484741
    Pudgie [sign in to see picture]
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    Please help I'm so down I don't know what else to do

    Me andy hubby have been together 15 and sex has never been great but I've just lived with it because I love him well since reading 50 shades it's made me realise what I'm missing I never get an orgasm and I don't think it's because my oh is selfish I just think he clueless so over the last few weeks we have tried more foreplay which still hasn't worked yesterday we were sending sexy messages all day snd having fun leading up to bed so I thought this might be it he was playing with me for about half hour with our new toy and toungue and still nothing so I decided to play with him only to find he's soft no matter what I did he wouldn't get a hard on I was gutted so what was a lovely day ended up being crap and left me feeling insecure

    1440487012
    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
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    PokingFun wrote:

    I'm just going to say that I think this is all down to you both putting to much pressure on yourselves. You are both heading in the direction you want it to but I feel you need to relax a bit more, and communicate with each other.

    If you want to try different toys, go for a cock ring, and then you both get pleasure from it, experiment with toys and each other.

    Just take this little hiccup as an opportunity to try something different! I think by what you've described, you both have been left feeling insecure, he couldn't make you come and you saw he was soft. He's probably feeling useless for not getting you there, making him soft. Try and talk about it, it could help the issue ten-fold.

    I hope this makes sense, and I hope someone pops up with some better advice xx

    +1. Think Poking Fun nailed it on the head...too much pressure on yourself and him is a big mood killer. When you say you don't orgasm, is that purely in penetrative sex, or can you not orgasm from oral sex or solo play with toys as well? Perhaps have some time on your own to experiment with different toys, try a rabbit, a wand (Tracey Cox battery powered wand is really good), dildo. There are some really nice glass ones which when teamed up with clitoral stimulation work a treat. Do you like nipple stimulation? You could try clamps or rings to give extra sensations. The key is really to relax, don't have a time limit, and if something isn't working try a different toy / position. For women, arousal is pretty much all psychological. If there are any other distractions (no matter how mundane) it can be a big dampener on ability to orgasm. I think both of you are probably feeling pretty insecure, so maybe restrict penetrative sex for a while, like a week / fortnight or longer. Just be intimate in other ways-, cuddle, massage, hold hands and kiss like you're a new couple. This may help to spark some more desire in you both. Sorry if I've rambled too much! Good luck xx
    1440487518
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Being mad at him for not being hard is just going to make things worse,vi know it can be a little of putting that he isn't hard at the thought of sex with you, it really got to me through our relationship when it went from being hard the second he saw me, to just being hard when we started foreplay to him needing oral before it's hard. It's hard to hear but sex isn't as exciting with the same person over and over, but it can still be good. As others have said, you're probably putting a lot of pressure, maybe not on purpose, to give you an orgasm, and rather than thinking about sex and being excited, he's concentrating on the task and being nervous.

    have you ever orgasmed through mastubation? It's more your job to figure out your body than his, if you don't know what you like how can he?

    1440488103
    Minkish Minx [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with PokingFun, I think you both placed too much pressure on yourselves and that was why things did not turn out as well as they could. The first part of the day was awesome because you were both having fun and enjoying it.

    I might be wrong, but I think that when you both started out with the toy and oral sex, the ultimate goal was your orgasm. Thing is, female orgasms can be a little elusive, and I think that maybe you had some inner pressure and expectations which resulted in your body not being relaxed or turned on enough. Or it could just be that the new toy doesn't fit your anatomy well enough. New toys are fun, but they take time to break in and for your body to get used to it. I personally require a bit of time before I'm able to discover the best way to orgasm with a new toy and that can take up to an hour, maybe more.

    Probably your husband was feeling pressured as well. Men who set off with the intention to pleasure their women (and what wonderful men they are!) always have the pressure of not being able to perform well enough. Possibly that nervousness set in around the 15 minutes mark, and by the time the half hour was over, I'd imagine that he was feeling rather crushed that he couldn't give you an orgasm. With that kind of stress and possibly self-blame, I think arousal wouldn't really be on his mind.

    Sometimes when my fiance isn't that much in the mood and takes longer to orgasm when I give him a blowjob, my entire mind is just focused on technique, which doesn't leave much room for my own arousal.

    I can understand how you felt when you, in turn, were unable to give him an erection, but really, don't take it personally. It isn't so much a statement on your attractiveness as him just feeling discouraged that he was unable to satisfy you. It's actually rather sweet that the inability to give you pleasure bothered him enough that his own sexual needs went out the window. A more selfish man would have no qualms in receiving sexual gratification despite the current scenario.

    I would really chalk this all down to an unfortunate experience. Right now, you probably both feel rather bad and pressured and this negative juju is what's going to stand between you and really good sex. I'd suggest focusing on the intimacy first rather than diving straight for physical pleasure. Be patient with each other, and build up your confidence in yourselves and each other. If you have any grievances or ways you think each other can improve, be gently honest. Think of the ultimate goal of sex to be a loving and honest connection between the two of you. Orgasms are just a plus.

    In my opinion, books like Fifty Shades of Grey are contrived forms of literature and shouldn't be used as a measure for any relationship. There is no man who can orgasm that many times within one day and no lady who is so attractive that the only thing her husband can think of is the different ways he wants to have her all day long. Your husband loves you for you. He loves you for the private moments you have, the way you make him laugh, how adorably messy your hair looks in the morning.

    Sexual satisfaction is something that everyone deserves, but it's way more fun to take your time to work towards it together. Have fun with each other, forgive each other and be honest with each other. It's not a race, it's a journey and I hope you have a wonderful time with yours. (:

    1440489656
    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    PokingFun wrote:

    I'm just going to say that I think this is all down to you both putting to much pressure on yourselves. You are both heading in the direction you want it to but I feel you need to relax a bit more, and communicate with each other.

    If you want to try different toys, go for a cock ring, and then you both get pleasure from it, experiment with toys and each other.

    Just take this little hiccup as an opportunity to try something different! I think by what you've described, you both have been left feeling insecure, he couldn't make you come and you saw he was soft. He's probably feeling useless for not getting you there, making him soft. Try and talk about it, it could help the issue ten-fold.

    I hope this makes sense, and I hope someone pops up with some better advice xx

    +2 Great advice :) xx

    1440494490
    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Scorpius12 wrote:

    PokingFun wrote:

    I'm just going to say that I think this is all down to you both putting to much pressure on yourselves. You are both heading in the direction you want it to but I feel you need to relax a bit more, and communicate with each other.

    If you want to try different toys, go for a cock ring, and then you both get pleasure from it, experiment with toys and each other.

    Just take this little hiccup as an opportunity to try something different! I think by what you've described, you both have been left feeling insecure, he couldn't make you come and you saw he was soft. He's probably feeling useless for not getting you there, making him soft. Try and talk about it, it could help the issue ten-fold.

    I hope this makes sense, and I hope someone pops up with some better advice xx

    +2 Great advice :) xx

    + 3 xx and for what it's worth.....I hate that bloody book !! Has made so many people put so much pressure on themselves and their partner xx

    1440498081
    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
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    As Terri says, *that* book can make people have false perceptions on what sex is going to be like and lead to disappointment when the reality doesn't match the fantasy. Not just that book either but erotic fiction in general. And porn can be as bad, they are always moaning and groaning, writhing around like they're having continuous orgasm...maybe they are - if so great for them!

    But it took me years to orgasm during sex, and pretty much always depends on clitoral stimulation from a vibrator or wand. Cock rings don't really do it for me personally, though they make the fun last longer ;)

    Essentially the fiction is purely that...fictional, and it can be a great 'tool' to get you in the mood. But it's not going to guarantee the fireworks they portray. That comes from you both communicating your needs and making it about enjoying the whole 'shebang' rather than the grand finale.

    1440500355
    Purring-Pussy [sign in to see picture]
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    Some great advice on this thread and agree with the too much pressure on yourselves. Good luck in whatever you decide to do 👍

    1440500473
    Pudgie [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks everyone I think we need to sit down tonight for a good chat x

    1440502154
    mummymermaid [sign in to see picture]
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    Pudgie wrote:

    Thanks everyone I think we need to sit down tonight for a good chat x

    Hope all goes okies..take care xx

    1440516715
    Zerlina [sign in to see picture]
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    Best of luck! Sex therapy may help, and if that's not an option (finances/shyness), read up on what goes on during sex therapy and see how much of that you can do at home. I hear Sensate Focus exercises mentioned quite often, for instance. What you're doing with massages and such sounds like an excellent start. There are probably good books on the topic, does anyone have any recommendations?

    How about having fun with playing on your own, when you have the house to yourself, no pressure, just there to enjoy yourself and see what works for you? You may find that orgasms don't seem to be a thing for you at the moment (this can happen for various reasons, I get it when I'm on the painkiller tramadol for instance) but you still have a lovely time.  You may find that after a while you work out ways to make yourself come.  Once you feel comfortable with pleasuring yourself, it's reliably enjoyable, you're not getting stressed out about it, try introducing it to your partner. Try reading this guide from the awesome comic Oh Joy Sex Toy http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/masturbate/. I can recommend that comic generally, and another one you might find useful is http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/consent/. It's a great discussion of how you and your partner should be checking in with each other about what you like, what's working for you, what was working for you earlier but suddenly isn't, and general communication during sex.  Talking to your partner about this sort of thing makes for much better sex, trust me!  The media would have us think that the best sex happens magically with no words spoken, with clothes pulled off gracefully and no one ever getting a dead arm or their hair caught, but this is total nonsense.  You need to be able to talk to each other.

    I find that the best combination of toys for me is a powerful vibrator, the Tango is my favourite at the moment (and that one's very couples-friendly) plus a glass dildo which has a nice curve, bigger head and some texture (my current favourite isn't sold here, but LH have a nice range).

    As for FSOG, I am so relieved to see other people here hate that book too! Seriously, you can do so much better if you want to read erotica. FSOG describes crappy sex and an abusive relationship, and its depiction of BDSM is so far off that the BDSM community is absolutely furious. Modelling yourself on that is not going to do anyone any favours. Hmm, who can suggest nice erotica? I don't really read much, though sometimes I visit Cliterati http://www.cliterati.co.uk/ who include all sorts of erotica, including kinky and vanilla.

    Another website I've recently discovered and really like is the Dirty Normal http://thedirtynormal.com/. She has some great free ebooks you can download, and her writing on "responsive desire" in particular is very useful, and I think will be useful for you two in particular http://www.thedirtynormal.com/blog/category/sexual-wellbeing/desire/.

    1440516871
    oldgit [sign in to see picture]
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    I have the same problem as your other half, had some pills from here worked a treat

    1440523260
    Zerlina [sign in to see picture]
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    Oops. Messages, you said, not massages. Those are great too!

    Random thing I remembered: never have sex while feeling resentful. Nope nope nope. It just goes horribly wrong.

    Also it can be really lovely sharing a bath or shower together, not with an expectation of sex, just as an intimate, pleasurable, relaxing thing. Sometimes that leads up to sex, sometimes it doesn't, but the point is that you enjoy it in its own right.

    1440525553
    chocolate-milk [sign in to see picture]
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    Talk to each other. My BF and I, we shop/look at websites together and check out what could be fun, have a chat and a laugh together about some of the sex toys. Also chatting about some past experiences, likes and dislikes, fantasies that you may want to explore ect. Having baths/showers together also helps. Then from there, going to the bedroom and exploring each others bodies and what feels nice, learning them together has helped me in my relationship.

    I hope all goes well for you, good luck! x

    1441060504
    Luv bunny [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Pudgie,

    Any luck with your OH and talking through what you need from him?

    Hope things are improving for you.

    In terms of other things you could try, are you a reasonably confident person? Sometimes if people lack confidence it can make them appear less sexy, so even if you aren't feeling overly confident, my advice is to 'make it or fake it'. This is the only thing I recommend faking though, I hasten to add!

    Do things that make you happy, like a hobby or exercise playing a musical instrument, etc. When people are happy they have an 'aura' about them that can be infectious, as cheesy as that sounds!!

    Hope you get your mojo back, and enjoy your toys off of here.

    1441067937
    Dr.Mr&Mrs [sign in to see picture]
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    Can't agree more with everyone addressing the fact that there's far too much pressure in your relationship to make things better overnight.

    Be patient, be open and communicate honestly.

    I think 2 things that are definitely worth trying are;

    ► Getting to know your own body so you can guide your partner - be open with yourself and your husband about exploring your body - get yourself some new toys or take some time with your current toys to find what gets you going...once you've gotten yourself there you'll know where to guide your partner and know when he's 'hit the spot'

    ► Secondly, and moving on from the first point - don't be scared to help your partner out. There's often nothing sexier than watching your other half getting themselves off...I guarentee this won't only show him what you like, but also make sure he's far from soft.

    Have a chat and give things time and patience.

    Good Luck :)

    1441101652
    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
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    Again I'm a bit different to most people and like a practical solution to things.

    firstly yes too much pressure is not good for anyone, so try not to have such high expectations. Him not being hard is not a reflection on you or what he thinks of you, sometimes things just get on top of men and they can't manage it. Women cry screem rant about what is bothering them men don't and I genuinely think this is partly to blame. So chat in an understanding non judgemental way if you can.

    Now for the practical stuff.

    Do you orgasm when you masturbate?

    My suggestion, buy him a stroker (there are a couple in the sale) and you a set of kegal balls. Encourage him to play with himself alone, maybe after a day of sexy texts like you mentioned. This should help to empower him and restore his confidence.

    For you the kegal balls will tighten your muscles with repeated use. But on the instant first time reaction they should get you at least a little aroused. I can't come from kegal balls alone but they get me very wet and turned on. This combined with som texting and a good relaxed solo session should ley you enjoy yourself. When you feel good and satisfied with yourself, you should relax a bit.

    Give things a tit of time and work back towards each other, what turns him on? Show him what gets you turned on. If he is "clueless" then a little guidance from you and I'm sure the two of you will be have ing great sex soon, maybe even an orgasm or two.

    1441108636
    Kimberleyking [sign in to see picture]
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    talk to him tell him how you feel introducing just a bullet during sex will be sure to give you orgasmsxx

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