• Something to amuse the masses

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    Hornydevil45 [sign in to see picture]
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    Greetings all. My name is Steve and I have been quite an avid shopper at Lovehoney for quite a number of years, especially since the local sex shop closed down quite some time ago. Lovehoney has been my go-to place for when I've been single and enjoying life as well as when I've been in relationships.

    For some reason however, I never got round to writing reviews for the many products I have bought, nor commented on these forums. Well this evening whilst I was in the midst of my latest shopping spree (one that will indubitably result in squeals of delight from the current squeeze) I decided it was about time to rectify these issues.

    So, I figured, perhaps the best way of introducing myself might be via a quite light-hearted yet embarrassing story which I have related to many people who have found some modicum of entertainment... And since it has been shared without regard on a number of occasions, I believed it wouldn't hurt just to tell the world of LH users...

    Perhaps nearing six or seven years ago, I was in the middle of preparing for a dirty evening with a particular woman that I had been chasing for a couple of weeks. For the occasion, I booked into a local hotel with all the trimmings included, though I felt that I needed to make the evening one to remember. This of course led to my visiting of Lovehoney to do some shopping, both for toys and a little light hearted entertainment. Amongst various items such as a classy looking glass dildo set which was to be a parting gift to the woman in question, I spotted a pair of Velcro rip-off underwear and thought it may just have been the ticket for an amusing talking point in the evening. So, I bit the bullet and the day before my planned evening of debauchery and frivolity, the package arrived.

    Of course the next morning i could feel the rush of excitement as I thought about the unspeakable potential of the evening, and believe that despite the calm and gentlemanly disposition I would normally present, there was no doubt signs of nervous excitement...

    I recall the lead up the evening perfectly, from questioning the masculinity of my slightly see-through Velcro boxers before putting them on to adjusting my cuff links hastily before leaving to chauffeur the evening's romance to her destination.

    And that leads us to entering the hotel and both of us attempting to look like respectable people only wishing to stay in the hotel for an evening before heading somewhere else. Upon entering the decadent room and slamming the door behind us, things became a blur as we grabbed at each other's bodies, fingernails scraping skin, buttons pinging the mirror as they shot off like bullets as my shirt was ripped open, yet my caution to not damage her clothing given that women generally care more about their wardrobe than men. At that moment as she reached to unbuckle my trousers, I halted the action, telling her that I had a little surprise...

    With an amusing saxophone tune by Kenny G, I began to do a little strip for her whilst failing to look entirely serious. When my trousers slid down and I saw her eyebrows raise with interest, I knew I had made the right decision to indulge in this little act. Eventually, it came to the finale... I slowly slide my hands down to each side of the boxers and went to tug them off in an epic ending...

    ...now; for those of you who have not worn rip-off underwear before, I'll need to explain something. The Velcro which splits for the underwear to come off is located vertically on the outside of each leg so when one pulls on it, the underwear will simply fall off, at least, that was what was meant to happen...

    The Kenny G music was interrupted by a high pitched and un-manly wail, shattering the romantic and sexually charged environment as I realised the error of my ways. I had inadvertently grabbed the boxers by the sides of the legs where the Velcro could be found, effectively turning them into non-rip-off underwear whilst grasping them. What ensued instead of underwear falling to the floor was nylon burn on the poor chap, a wedgie worthy of cartoons, and a tear in the material up the middle seams...instinctively as one does when the Crown Jewels have been attacked, I lurched forward grasping my pride only to realise that the rip had allowed some parts of me to become free and be squashed painfully as I had lent forward as the material tightened around the rip and what had fallen out... I fell to the ground adopting the foetal position feeling akin to jumping over a fence and misjudging it. As I lay there reduced to utter vulnerability, I could just about hear the cackling of a witch above me pointing her accursed finger at me... Rip off underwear? It may hurt more than your pride...

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    Purring-Pussy [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi HornyDevil, welcome to the community.

    Oh how embarrassing for you. It did make me chuckle though. How did the evening carry on? Did you both laugh about it afterwards? PP x

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    Deekayjay [sign in to see picture]
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    Great story! How did it end?

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    Clockwork_Oasis [sign in to see picture]
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    Haha, oh dear... I feel there's a great fable in the spirit of Aesop in there somewhere :P

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    Ladybette [sign in to see picture]
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    Welcome :-) You sound as though you'll be a very enjoyable addition to the community...always love a funny story ;-)

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    Shadow Collector [sign in to see picture]
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    Clockwork_Oasis wrote:

    Haha, oh dear... I feel there's a great fable in the spirit of Aesop in there somewhere :P

    Hehe x

    Welcome, welcome! I can already tell you'll fit in brilliantly here x

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    Clockwork_Oasis [sign in to see picture]
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    Shadow Collector wrote:

    Clockwork_Oasis wrote:

    Haha, oh dear... I feel there's a great fable in the spirit of Aesop in there somewhere :P

    Hehe x

    Welcome, welcome! I can already tell you'll fit in brilliantly here x

    Oh, loving the new profile pic Shadow!

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    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hornydevil - THANK YOU, that really made me chuckle and was well written. Enjoyed your "intro". This reminds me there used to be an embarassing moments thread... maybe someone needs to start an "epic" fail one LOL

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    Lovethekink [sign in to see picture]
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    I hope she made up for the laughter ;)

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    Hornydevil45 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 15 Feb 2010

    Apologies for the late reply, it seems work tires me out during the week and weekends are taken up by certain activities best befitting these forums hehe.

    I believe the evening carried on after a few moments of cradling what was left of my pride. I would indulge in a little more explanation there but I do believe if I wish to keep my dirty gentleman persona in check, I have to cut out some or the finer details of the evening.

    I must add though, quite a nice set of profile photographs I see before me here; I'll have to loo into sorting one out for myself at some stage :)

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    Lovehoney - Paige [sign in to see picture]
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    Great story! 

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    [suspended user]

    suspended user
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    Thats a fantastic story really made me giggle :-)
    Sounds like you're going to fit in well here, enjoy the forums ✋

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    KT100 [sign in to see picture]
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    Lovehoney - Paige wrote:

    Great story!

    Yeah - totally, very funny :)

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    chocolate-milk [sign in to see picture]
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    .....ouch! You poor thing! Hope everything (and your pride) has healed. Great story though.....note to self, do not buy "rip off" underwear for the OH!

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    Onlyones [sign in to see picture]
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    That made my eyes water just reading it.

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