• Does a man feel bad if he can't enter?

    1438192932
    Girl_friday37 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi, last month a went on a date with a younger guy (me 36 and him 25) First time I'd been out with a younger man. We got on well, were attracted to each other and had a nice time. We maintained text communication with an understanding of developing a casual relationship.

    So, it had been a month since we originally met (due to various reasons of us both being busy, etc) and I went to his place to "watch a movie". I'd not been involved in anything casual before, so was a touch anxious.

    Anyway, to get to the point, after a couple of hours, we start to kiss and he goes straight for it. I mean, very minimal amount of foreplay and what there was, wasn't the right kind to get me turned on. I really (I mean *really*) need a good slow touch to get me warmed up and I was wrong to let him try to enter me when I know I wasn't sufficiently aroused.

    What this led to was complete "ACCESS DENIED" and quite a lot of pain and discomfort for me. He could only get the tip in and I had to get him to stop. I really wasn't expecting so much discomfort and (wrongly) said, "Oh, I tend to have this problem" and "Had this problem with the last guy I was with". Which made it sound like I have problems/issues in this area. Also, said that it does take a while for me to get really warmed up (again could sound like I'm a bit of a cold fish).

    I did follow it up by admitting that even though I personally felt comfortable, I was feeling too tense down there and not sufficiently relaxed and that I actually do either need to orgasm or be on the verge of it for it to work. I offered him a had job, which worked as it should have and he gave me a cuddle. He was very sweet about it and joked that next time I'll have to bring a manual. He didn't offer to return the favor on the hand job, though.

    He admitted it was a shame that it didn't happen and I told him that part of the issue could be that I'd not had sex in a really long time (which is true).

    I'm just interested to know that if you were the guy in this situation. What would you be thinking and how would it have made you feel? I felt bad that I'd let him down and was worried he was going to think it was his fault. But, at the same time, I don't like the thought of being considered "a big frigid", etc.

    Unsurprisingly, it's been three days and he's been in radio silence. I understand he won't want to try again as something can't really be casual and fun if it feels like too much hard work, plus there is the risk we could try again and it still won't happen. I wasn't sure to send him a text about it, or leave it?

    1438193786
    Kittycat102 [sign in to see picture]
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    Girl_friday37 wrote:

    Hi, last month a went on a date with a younger guy (me 36 and him 25) First time I'd been out with a younger man. We got on well, were attracted to each other and had a nice time. We maintained text communication with an understanding of developing a casual relationship.

    So, it had been a month since we originally met (due to various reasons of us both being busy, etc) and I went to his place to "watch a movie". I'd not been involved in anything casual before, so was a touch anxious.

    Anyway, to get to the point, after a couple of hours, we start to kiss and he goes straight for it. I mean, very minimal amount of foreplay and what there was, wasn't the right kind to get me turned on. I really (I mean *really*) need a good slow touch to get me warmed up and I was wrong to let him try to enter me when I know I wasn't sufficiently aroused.

    What this led to was complete "ACCESS DENIED" and quite a lot of pain and discomfort for me. He could only get the tip in and I had to get him to stop. I really wasn't expecting so much discomfort and (wrongly) said, "Oh, I tend to have this problem" and "Had this problem with the last guy I was with". Which made it sound like I have problems/issues in this area. Also, said that it does take a while for me to get really warmed up (again could sound like I'm a bit of a cold fish).

    I did follow it up by admitting that even though I personally felt comfortable, I was feeling too tense down there and not sufficiently relaxed and that I actually do either need to orgasm or be on the verge of it for it to work. I offered him a had job, which worked as it should have and he gave me a cuddle. He was very sweet about it and joked that next time I'll have to bring a manual. He didn't offer to return the favor on the hand job, though.

    He admitted it was a shame that it didn't happen and I told him that part of the issue could be that I'd not had sex in a really long time (which is true).

    I'm just interested to know that if you were the guy in this situation. What would you be thinking and how would it have made you feel? I felt bad that I'd let him down and was worried he was going to think it was his fault. But, at the same time, I don't like the thought of being considered "a big frigid", etc.

    Unsurprisingly, it's been three days and he's been in radio silence. I understand he won't want to try again as something can't really be casual and fun if it feels like too much hard work, plus there is the risk we could try again and it still won't happen. I wasn't sure to send him a text about it, or leave it?

    You seriously care if this guy talks to you again? He sounds like a complete wanker and a selfish lover. You're so much better than him, trust me. Find someone who is deserving of your time and not someone who clearly doesn't care at all

    1438194301
    jr78 [sign in to see picture]
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    I totally agree with kittykat, I don't think you should be feeling like you've let him down when he obviously didn't put much effort into turning you on in the 1st place! I personally wouldn't text him, he sounds completely selfish & inexperienced & I think you deserve much, much more. Try not to stress yourself out over this it's really not your fault & you haven't let anyone down xxx

    1438194553
    Girl_friday37 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you both Yeah, I did feel like I let him down as he probably thought with me being older, I would be really hot in bed or something and he did look a bit deflated when things weren't happening.

    He does seem like a genuinly good guy, but as you say he didn't do anything beyond the too fast and too predictable to try to get me aroused. I felt I should have taken mroe time to show him, though.

    Oh well. Thanks for the opinions.

    1438194757
    Echo32B [sign in to see picture]
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    If I get stressed out I will tense up down there to the point you couldnt even get your pinky finger in. So you arent alone in that. You should have been more honest with him that you wanted more foreplay, I know its hard, in fact I probably would have done exactly the same. Making excuses to protect his feelings sounds all to familiar for me.. been there too many times, and letting someone do what they want and ignoring your own wants and needs will take more of an emotional toll on you than you think.

    What you need is to think about what you need and your own feelings first because this guy clearly isn't doing that for you.

    I wouldn't say he is in the wrong necessiarly although most men I know would have merrily gone down on me if actual sex was off the table espechially if I had helped them along first. He sounds a little inexpeiranced that or previous partners have not needed much in the way of foreplay. 

    I would personally leave it and if he does get in touch again, maybe try some sexting before you meet and detail all the things you want him to do to you, explain it as him teasing and playing with you so that by the time you get to that 'bit' you'll be rabid :P. At least this way he may realise that the bit leading up to sex can sometimes be the hottest part. (I'm only recently learning this myself!)

    Hope all goes well if he does get in touch, if he doesnt, go find someone who loves 'giving', you deserve nothing less :) x

    1438194837
    Kittycat102 [sign in to see picture]
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    Girl_friday37 wrote:

    Thank you both Yeah, I did feel like I let him down as he probably thought with me being older, I would be really hot in bed or something and he did look a bit deflated when things weren't happening.

    He does seem like a genuinly good guy, but as you say he didn't do anything beyond the too fast and too predictable to try to get me aroused. I felt I should have taken mroe time to show him, though.

    Oh well. Thanks for the opinions.

    Stop blaming yourself, it isn't your fault at all. I had my first time with an older man, I was 16 and he was 28 and he rushed me and I didn't get aroused or anything so it hurt a lot. I felt like it was my fault but I did finally realise that it wasn't me who was to blame for it. Guys like that are just selfish and only want their dick wet, they don't care about the woman they're about to have sex with

    1438195043
    Never know [sign in to see picture]
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    Female looking at it from a female perspective, I think it was your body telling you something's not right, I'm like you where I need a bit of warming up first.

    Female looking at it from a mans perspective, I would be feeling a bit like I hadn't done something right but to be frank, he hadn't! Too selfish and was lucky to get a hand job after!!!

    1438195321
    Kittycat102 [sign in to see picture]
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    Never know wrote:

    Female looking at it from a female perspective, I think it was your body telling you something's not right, I'm like you where I need a bit of warming up first.

    Female looking at it from a mans perspective, I would be feeling a bit like I hadn't done something right but to be frank, he hadn't! Too selfish and was lucky to get a hand job after!!!

    Yeah most guys would actually see it as his fault and that he didn't pleasure the woman enough

    1438195717
    Deekayjay [sign in to see picture]
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    My hubby would have thought it was his fault! I agree with everyone else - you're better off without him!

    1438196323
    Just Jenson [sign in to see picture]
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    Firstly, he is showing he is only after one thing really by 'going straight in' - so youre probably better off without. If you too are only after the sex, then again youre better off out since he cant give it to you.

    Secondly, he sounds selfish. You said to him you feel tense, and its been a while, so he should have backed off at this point, sensing you may have started to feel bad. By backing off I dont mean flicking the movie back on, but rather making some decent effort with you like a massage or something, even just a shoulder rub, to help get things relaxed a bit more and show some affection.

    Saying shit like 'bring a manual next time' suggests to me the guy needs a slap and definitely NOT a hand job to make HIM feel better!

    Thirdly - if I was in this situation where I couldn't get a woman aroused enough, it would most definitely be ME who is thinking that I have done something wrong, and I would be concerned and checking you're actually ok - to mak sure I haven't hurt you in anyway.

    The fact he hasnt messaged at all should tell you that you should move on and leave him thinking... 'damn, my technique is so bad etc'

    1438197546
    nodrog [sign in to see picture]
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    The way he's behaving dosnt sound like he deserves a second chance

    Better off without

    1438198225
    WillC [sign in to see picture]
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    You`d think by 25 he`d know a bit! Seriously,most decent men would understand and take things at your pace.Better off without him! If i was you i`d aim for your own age group or older,it might be flattering to go out with a toy boy,but if they`re selfish inexperienced oafs you`re wasting your time!

    1438203241
    Bettycat81 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think younger guys with older women who go into casual relationships are often looking for instruction (hence the "bring the manual" comment.) He's could be looking for you to take control and teach him some new tricks... Lesson one take your time! Become more dominant... I would hedge a bet that's what he wants!

    Lid that's not what you want, move on!

    1438206495
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    Girl_friday37 wrote:

    Hi, last month a went on a date with a younger guy (me 36 and him 25) First time I'd been out with a younger man. We got on well, were attracted to each other and had a nice time. We maintained text communication with an understanding of developing a casual relationship.

    So, it had been a month since we originally met (due to various reasons of us both being busy, etc) and I went to his place to "watch a movie". I'd not been involved in anything casual before, so was a touch anxious.

    Anyway, to get to the point, after a couple of hours, we start to kiss and he goes straight for it. I mean, very minimal amount of foreplay and what there was, wasn't the right kind to get me turned on. I really (I mean *really*) need a good slow touch to get me warmed up and I was wrong to let him try to enter me when I know I wasn't sufficiently aroused.

    What this led to was complete "ACCESS DENIED" and quite a lot of pain and discomfort for me. He could only get the tip in and I had to get him to stop. I really wasn't expecting so much discomfort and (wrongly) said, "Oh, I tend to have this problem" and "Had this problem with the last guy I was with". Which made it sound like I have problems/issues in this area. Also, said that it does take a while for me to get really warmed up (again could sound like I'm a bit of a cold fish).

    I did follow it up by admitting that even though I personally felt comfortable, I was feeling too tense down there and not sufficiently relaxed and that I actually do either need to orgasm or be on the verge of it for it to work. I offered him a had job, which worked as it should have and he gave me a cuddle. He was very sweet about it and joked that next time I'll have to bring a manual. He didn't offer to return the favor on the hand job, though.

    He admitted it was a shame that it didn't happen and I told him that part of the issue could be that I'd not had sex in a really long time (which is true).

    I'm just interested to know that if you were the guy in this situation. What would you be thinking and how would it have made you feel? I felt bad that I'd let him down and was worried he was going to think it was his fault. But, at the same time, I don't like the thought of being considered "a big frigid", etc.

    Unsurprisingly, it's been three days and he's been in radio silence. I understand he won't want to try again as something can't really be casual and fun if it feels like too much hard work, plus there is the risk we could try again and it still won't happen. I wasn't sure to send him a text about it, or leave it?

    Run and keep running your worth so much more than a quick fumble not your fault at all.

    1438208001
    naughty stacey [sign in to see picture]
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    Took a hand job and didn't return the favour? I am not big on second chances. :P

    1438251781
    Girl_friday37 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi there

    I just wanted to thank you all for the very kind and supportive responses you have all given me. It really is very much appreciated and you have all made me feel a lot better about the situation.

    I'm actually very annoyed with myself that I shouldered all the responsibiltiy for things not working out and it was only in retrospect that I could see how much he expected for so little effort. Not only in trying to have sex but in the entire evening. Honestly, if I described it to you, you wouldn't belive how lame it all was.

    I think because I took on so much of the "blame" (so to speak) he's probably left thinking he didn't do anything wrong and that I was the one with the problem. I definitley let myself down there due to feel embarrassed about not being ready. Grrrr

    I wasn't really intending to text him about meeting again, but more drawing a line under things. But, I am definitely not going to contact him at all. It's already a faded memory.

    Ah, well. Back to flying solo, ha ha. Thank you all so much again for all your thoughts and kind words xxx

    1438265880
    naughty stacey [sign in to see picture]
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    Good point. It is common reaction to fear to blame other people. Is an action validated by the reason, or is it either acceptable behaviour or not?

    It certainly is not anyones responsibility to put up with that behaviour, or to spend their resources helping the person through it. That might cost a lot of personal resources and come out without any reward.

    My husband gets quite upset at unsolicited advice, maybe people with hang ups about their sexual performance will react bady to it as well.

    1438267691
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    PokingFun wrote:

    I'm probably not going to be very popular here... Here goes...

    Maybe he's a little inexperienced? Maybe he was nervous too? Maybe he's not had the chance to treat a woman the way he should? Maybe he gets his ideas from pornos?

    Just because he's 25 doesn't mean he's experienced! If he were a caveman then it would be a case of wham bam thank you mam. I think he's probably a little insensitive by not trying harder.

    Tell him.

    Tell him how you feel about that night. Tell him that maybe next time he's with a woman he should try a little more foreplay and be a bit more sensitive with touch and feelings. Tell him that you were nervous, you were not aroused enough because he didn't really care much for the foreplay.

    Looking at what you've said, you made out that it happens often, and you finished him off. No ones fault, but once my OH has finished, he really has no desire to do anything else, that's just the way he is. Maybe this man was the same? As soon as my OH comes, that's it, all arousal and horny feelings are instantly gone, it's just the way his body is.

    The manual comment could've been a nervous ice breaker? He could've felt awkward? He could've felt like he's done something wrong? Or he could've thought you are a cold fish!! No one will know unless you speak to him really.

    The silence could be embarrassment. Or, could be "not seeing her again" I'm just thinking that all the comments here telling you to run for the hills are a bit hasty. Give him a chance to tell his side of the story! If he wants to see you again, lay down ground rules, tell him to give you a massage or something!

    I dunno, I could be wrong, I just think that possibly, he's just not very experienced with sexual contact.

    +1+1+1

    absolutely agree, my OH is 42 and doesnt have much of a warm up, but then I am pretty much always horny and very reactive, it takes a split seccond for my body to think "oh hey sex! awesome! lets lube up!" so its not a problem for us. he sometimes is done after he's orgasmed and i go without, but its ussually if he's tired or stressed and its usualy agreed before that Im not getting an orgasm (i can only orgasm from oral after sex)

    i think it sounds like he was very knocked down from how things turned out and tried to play it off, I'd say you should definitely talk it out

    1438272283
    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Common theme here to a good sex life is communication. Even if you have no desire to ever see him again you will be doing the next woman a favor by telling him if you feel so inclined.

    But I want to add here, DO NOT blame yourself or shoulder this as all on you. I find some men just are not experienced enough to know just becasue he has a raging hard on does no mean you are ready for penetration.

    Some thoughts if this happens again:

    1. Say "There is no need to rush hon, we have time to enjoy ourselves here."

    2. lick your own fingers and touch yourself and have him watch,

    3. put his fingers in your mouth and lick them and suggest he touch you the same,

    4. or ask him to kiss your clit and go down on you,

    I generally am never without a pocket rocket or lipstick vibe in my purse, you may consider having a small clitoral vibrator with you and worst case take it out and have him use it on you or show him how.

    1438275482
    MrRobinson [sign in to see picture]
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    I had a quick read through this and here's my 2p

    I think he's definitely inexperienced, my rule of thumb was when with a new girl foreplay is the key make sure she is satisfied and ready to go, if they aren't ready and don't want to go further or I'm just not doing it for them find out what will AND if that doesn't work stop.


    Communication is vital early on if you know what works great if you don't ask :)

    As for the hand job that was selfish of him, personally I can't just sit there during a hand job I feel stupid lol its perfect opportunity to return the favour also I find I can't orgasm just sitting there.

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