• Boyfriend is a Virgin - advice needed

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    Jco [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi all

    Been with my boyfriend for 8monfhs and we're intimate and really close in a strong relationship but we're not having sex.

    He's a virgin and I'm not both mid 20s and he'd lacking in confidence. He's told me that but doesn't open up about what exactly worries him about us taking that step.

    We kiss and touch a lot although not genitals. When in bed we both wear boxers/knickers and keep them on, he will rub himself against me whilst kissing and he'll move on top of my so we're basically dry humping. He's obviously turned on and imagine he can feel how wet I am for him even through our underwear when he's on top with his penis between my legs.

    Any advice on how we can move beyond this stage? We love each other and have a great relationship without sex but when he's touching and kissing me lying on top of me it's really hard not to desperately want to have sex!

    1438172154
    Thumper the Rabbit [sign in to see picture]
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    This sounds like a difficult situation, especially if he won't open up and talk about it. A few questions though, have you tried taking the initiative and suggesting it, or are you waiting for him to make the move?

    Does he watch porn/masturbate a lot?

    1438172587
    LittleSwitchBitch [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey... Welcome to the forums :)

    I have been in this situation in the past. I asked him his fears and it was various things all bundled together. Birth control,pregnancy,performance,putting on a condom ,how long he'd last etc ... All that bundled together can cause serious anxiety as well as when you do actually have sex keeping himself hard.

    Your best bet ,imo, is to talk to him and reassure him and make him as relaxed as possible...

    Maybe if you are using condoms, you put it on as part of your foreplay...

    Talking to him and reassuring him is the key here... People always assume virginity isn't a big thing for men but it is...

    Hope some of that helps and ye figure it out soon x

    1438173616
    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    LittleSwitchBitch wrote:

    Hey... Welcome to the forums :)

    I have been in this situation in the past. I asked him his fears and it was various things all bundled together. Birth control,pregnancy,performance,putting on a condom ,how long he'd last etc ... All that bundled together can cause serious anxiety as well as when you do actually have sex keeping himself hard.

    Your best bet ,imo, is to talk to him and reassure him and make him as relaxed as possible...

    Maybe if you are using condoms, you put it on as part of your foreplay...

    Talking to him and reassuring him is the key here... People always assume virginity isn't a big thing for men but it is...

    Hope some of that helps and ye figure it out soon x

    This ! I was my husbands first partner - and this is more or less what we did. We've been married 25 years :) xx

    1438174098
    Jco [sign in to see picture]
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    I have tried taking the initiative a bit yes and he'll respond to that but only up to a point, he's even suggested we take that step but again it's just not happened. I'm not sure how much he masterbate etc I've thought to ask but not sure he'd feel comfortable sharing!

    He knows that I'm happy and that I love him and that I want him in that way. He has condoms in the bedside drawer and knows I'm on the pill too. We've never got to the needing a condom stage as the underwear hadn't been off yet though!

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    LittleSwitchBitch [sign in to see picture]
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    Why not take the lead... Make sure ur the first one in the room... Stand naked in front of him.... And maybe undress him yourself before hopping into bed.... :)

    1438178092
    Quiet ones are worse! [sign in to see picture]
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    LittleSwitchBitch wrote:

    Why not take the lead... Make sure ur the first one in the room... Stand naked in front of him.... And maybe undress him yourself before hopping into bed.... :)

    Sounds a good starting point, remember that things may well not go as planned( make sure you will not be disturbed) reasure him if things "go too quickley" etc, and show give instructions/guidence to help him maybe? I've only ever been with my wife, so he's not alone by any means.

    1438179305
    Clockwork_Oasis [sign in to see picture]
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    If the underwear hasn't come off at all yet, and you are currently not tuching genitals - I'd say start there. Make it a natural part of what you're doing, stroke outside the underwear first, and perhaps suggest "should we take our underwear off?" or invite him to touch you under the underwear first.

    He might have a good reason for not wanting to move forward, one he hasn't shared with you yet, so be careful and move a bit at a time.

    If he doesn't want to talk to you about what the problem is, tell him that that's okay, but that it will be easier for you to help the two of you along to the next step if you know what he's worried about. With my ex I said "What do you say we get the first couple of awful and awkward sex-experiences out of the way so we can move on to the good stuff", and it turned out to not be awkward at all ;-)

    1438180821
    FrozenAngel [sign in to see picture]
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    I know the question seems a little silly in 2015, but have you asked what his beliefs are on sex before marriage? I have a lot of friends who don't believe in sex before marriage (both male and female) and it can take a little while to open up about it with a new partner since whenever they've done so in the past the relationship has ended.

    1438181488
    Lovehoney - Cazz [sign in to see picture]
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    As others have suggested instead of jumping straight to sex try all those little things in between step by step.

    Also maybe suggest that you set a date and plan to 'explore new things' so that he then feels prepared and doesn't feel it was sprung upon him. For example if you could talk and agree that 'next friday' you would see where things go but have an agreement that if he feels uncomfortable at any stage you can stop and go back to cuddling and what you usually do so that you don't have to stop everything and then he would feel guilty or that he has disappointed you.

    Maybe try and approach the subject if you explain to him you love him, trust him, care for him etc and nothing will change how you feel but has he been through something at a young age that has disturbed this part in his life or does he have a medical issue you are yet to discover.

    I am trying to think of anything else that may help, if I do I shall post another reply

    x

    1438182849
    nodrog [sign in to see picture]
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    From what you say your nearly all the way anyway it's probably just confidence on his part Sex the first time is terifiying

    Will he satisfy you how long will he last size of his penis loads of things will be going through his head

    Maybe have a bit of fun like show me yours and ile show you mine and once he's got over the fear all will be OK

    Good luck

    1438183363
    Onlyones [sign in to see picture]
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    As a male I am trying to put myself in his position and I think this is only going to be resolved slowly and step by step until he feels comfortable.You said all your sexual contact has been with underwear on how about trying just removing yours but let him keep his on this might work as a first step, you could also try this by you being naked in bed waiting for him without him knowing till he joins you and finds bare skin where he is expecting to feel knickers this might take away the pressure he is obviously feeling about being naked or you both being naked also it would mean only a single layer of cloth between you both so would mean he is able to feel you a little more and you him.I am not sure simply tring to wrestle him out of his boxers is going to work and may even make things worse.

    1438183505
    Jco [sign in to see picture]
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    It's not like we're jumping straight to sex we've been building up for months but we seem to have reached a plateau in progress! I don't think he's against sex before marriage and I'm fairly sure if that was the main issue he'd tell me.

    i agree it's a confidence thing/worry of disappointing me - from what he has said (which isn't much really) I think he's worried he won't know what to do. I've reassured him that it's about us sharing that moment and having fun together and that i don't mind that he's not done this before and that I'm glad it's me he wants etc.

    He knows I love and want him and he's expressed the same thing and even when we're 90% of the way there and either have suggested going further we just end up carrying on with what we were doing.

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    [suspended user]

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    My first thought was that maybe there’s a hidden physical issue behind his fears too, as Cazz suggested, other than the usual “male fears” what nodrog mentioned. Assuming what Frozen Angel said is not his case, of course.

    If I understand correctly, you’ve never even taken to completion the “dry humping”? If this is the case, maybe you could just start there. A good, old-fashioned, simple mutual masturbation taken to completion. This way, the pressure about performance, lasting, skills and even size compatibility would be completely taken out of the equation. You can also do this with lights completely off, or maybe even with him blindfolded to take away more of the embarrassment. Once he is at ease with that, it will only come as natural for him to step it up.

    As always, honest and open communication is the only real guarantee to a good relationship in and out of the bedroom. So try that part first.

    I was also my now husband of nine years’ first and only partner.

    1438196466
    kinkytaffs [sign in to see picture]
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    Communication is the key. Talk to each other openly and frankly. He could have any number of issues worrying him. Reassure him that you love him and that any issues can be overcome together

    1438199310
    Never know [sign in to see picture]
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    I like the suggestion by clockwork_oasis of touching over clothes.

    Good luck, I'm sure you'll get there. Well done for being so patient and willing to help and support him :) I'm sure he appreciates it

    1438204485
    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
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    Ok so this is a difficult one, but I have had more than my fair share of Virgin boyfriends 3 out of 5.

    so maybe it's time to take control, gently. Try sitting on top of him, underwear on, take his hands and put them up your top onto your breasts. Take it slowly this may be a shock for him. It may also be too much for him and he might come right there and then. If he does don't make a fuss, but join him in the shower, wash his back, play with him just enough to get him aroused then let him come to you. It works best if sex is instigated by him even if you manipulate the situation.

    if he doesn't come, put you hand down your underwear, and play with yourself, he will either want to help of get so turned on by watching that he will want sex.

    So tease, play, manipulate the situation but let him be the one who suggests or instigates sex.

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    OnTheTeam? [sign in to see picture]
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    Agree with others that this is probably a confidence thing. I like many of the above suggestions.

    Why not take them a stage further? Tonight he is not allowed to touch you. Tonight he has to let you have your wicked way with him. Tonight he must simply enjoy. No pressure at all. If he protests, or tries to touch you, he will be punished.

    Make the 'punishments' steps to your goal. Perhaps the first 'punishment' is he must kiss your breasts for 2 minutes - second is 4 minutes!! Also things like he has to let you put a condom on him, or kiss his cock, or he must finger or kiss your pussy. One small step at a time

    If he comes too soon tell him that you're so pleased to see his first cum and next time you want to feel it in your hand/mouth or wherever ;)

    Get him over this hurdle and I am sure you will find there is no stopping him

    good luck

    1438254903
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think taking control and trying to jump in wont work at all. if you've never touched eachothers genitals then theres a lot to go before sex even becomes a consideration, and i think you should tell him that, i feel like he could be scared that all the rest comes as one, to finger you he then has to have sex. think about your first time, i know everyone is different but before i had sex i did hand play on a few seperate occasions, then oral on a few seperate occasions, then sex, and the same for sex with a new partner, I've never had sex without having wanked and sucked them on differnt days, and had the favour returned.

    the most important thing is to take it slow, and do one thing at a time, tell him that putting his hands in your nickers, he doesnt actually have to put them inside you, or take your nickers off, and the same goes for him, let him get used to being touched before actually arousing him with his hand.

    there was a brilliant program on channel 4, you may still be able to get it on 4OD, it was about older virgins, altough the guys were in their 20's, they go off to a sex clinic and a woman slowly introduces them to sex, maybe watch that on your own and get a few pointers for things you can try and different steps to take?

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    Jco [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for all the advice. It is a tricky situation as I'm happy and actually our intimacy level is pretty high it's just not overtly physical sexually and I feel that it would make our bond even closer.

    It's finding that balance between taking the lead and letting him be the one feeling confident.

    He loves playing with my boobs and kissing my nipples so I just need him to have that confidence with the rest of me!

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