• Temporarily Missing - My sex drive and self love (just a random rant)

    1438147313
    Minkish Minx [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm not even sure if this is the right place to post this, but I just feel like I needed to rant since keeping silent is making me feel like I'm going to implode and explode.

    My sex drive has recently plunged into an all time low and I think that it's mainly due to my deeply rooted self esteem issues. I'll spare you a long sob story, but in a nutshell, I've always been predisposed to chubbiness and tend to gain weight pretty easily. I've oscillated around UK 12 - 16 most of my life which doesn't sound so bad except that I come from an asian country where most ladies are around a UK 4 to a UK 8. I grew up being mocked and shamed, not just by strangers but by my own family as well. There's just something about little passing remarks like, "why are your thighs so big?" or "why don't you go on a diet?" or "if you would just work harder, you wouldn't be fat" or "sorry, we don't carry sizes that large in our shop" thrown your way as a child and then a teenager that really build up and eat away at your soul. I'd hear stories about husbands cheating on wives where people would all too often go, "it's no wonder he cheated on her. Look at how fat she is and what a gorgeous body his mistress has".

    It's this kind of soul crushing insinuations that build up over time and somehow, along the way, I started believing that only slim people were deserving of love and admiration and (oh God save me) even fidelity. Of course, I eventually learned that it was a whole load of bullcrap, but sometimes on my weakest days, that particular demon comes creeping back and I end up hating myself again.

    I did eventually start on a whole journey of self acceptance where I started to exercise because I wanted to. I discovered that I love belly dancing, salsa and zumba so I've incorporated those into my exercise regime. There is a plateau though, since I find it hard to give up my indulgences like chocolate, fries and other things completely. Plus, maybe it's genetics, but I've accepted that my current size is probably going to be my lifelong size. For a while, that was okay with me but I recently gained back some weight that I worked so hard at losing and all of a sudden, the demons were back.

    I'm lucky to have an amazing fiance who not only loves and accepts me for how I look, he considers it his mission to make me believe it. He knows about my insecurities, but I can tell that everytime I backslide and start with my whole body image obsession thing again, he gets really discouraged because he thinks he hasn't done enough to make me feel secure and loved. I hate that my own insecurities make him feel that way, but some scars go really deep. He works out regularly (as do I) and he has a really awesome body and sometimes, I feel like the world looks at us and wonders why someone like him would be attracted to someone like me.

    I'm beyond incensed that I've come this far only to fall back into that sorrowful pit of self loathing. Needless to say, this has taken a toll on my sex drive since I feel like some unattractive crone. We used to have sex at least twice a week, but now it's fallen to the odd blowjob and me making excuses all the time. I think he knows that something is up and he's giving me the space to work through it which I appreciate. But lately, I'm wondering if his lack of sexual appetite is also due to the fact that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I know that this is probably nuts, but I can't help but wonder what he sees in me physically. It's gotten me so down that I've stopped dressing up since I'm like, "what's the point anyway? I look horrible in everything I wear". Because of that, I look and feel horrible since my confidence and self-acceptance are just receding away, and all I'm left with is a pear-shaped body that I find so hard to love.

    I spent half my life hating myself for being fat and it sucks that I now hate myself for being weak and allowing empty and shallow idiots to have such an impact on me.

    If you're reading this, just, you know. Be kind to others. Choose your words a little more carefully. Take an extra moment to process before you speak. You have no idea the impact that your words can have on someone. One insensitive comment can be brushed off, but a lifetime filled with insensitive comments can leave such an indelible scar.

    I'm not sure what to do for now. I'm hoping that this is just another horrible phase, but any words of advice would really be great. Anyhow, thanks for listening though.

    1438147751
    Minkish Minx [sign in to see picture]
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    * Just a little disclaimer:

    I'm thinking the vibes of my post lean towards how I think I'm ugly because I think I'm fat, but I recognize that it's more of my insecurity and warped self image that is making me feel that way. Confident and beautiful women come in all sizes and shapes and I just wish I had that confidence.

    1438159607
    Lovethekink [sign in to see picture]
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    Big hugs, your fiancé loves you for who you are and will do no matter what Shape or size you are. That's why he is with you, for you! He is giving you space as to not pressure you and for no other reason, and that's cos he loves you :)

    Don't be so hard on yourself, I know how hard it can be when you constantly judge yourself but you need to remember that all your friends and family love you for who you are (and anyone who doesn't isn't worth having in your life)

    Xxxx lots of love, sorry I can't be of more help xx

    1438171259
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    Minkish Minx wrote:

    I'm not even sure if this is the right place to post this, but I just feel like I needed to rant since keeping silent is making me feel like I'm going to implode and explode.

    My sex drive has recently plunged into an all time low and I think that it's mainly due to my deeply rooted self esteem issues. I'll spare you a long sob story, but in a nutshell, I've always been predisposed to chubbiness and tend to gain weight pretty easily. I've oscillated around UK 12 - 16 most of my life which doesn't sound so bad except that I come from an asian country where most ladies are around a UK 4 to a UK 8. I grew up being mocked and shamed, not just by strangers but by my own family as well. There's just something about little passing remarks like, "why are your thighs so big?" or "why don't you go on a diet?" or "if you would just work harder, you wouldn't be fat" or "sorry, we don't carry sizes that large in our shop" thrown your way as a child and then a teenager that really build up and eat away at your soul. I'd hear stories about husbands cheating on wives where people would all too often go, "it's no wonder he cheated on her. Look at how fat she is and what a gorgeous body his mistress has".

    It's this kind of soul crushing insinuations that build up over time and somehow, along the way, I started believing that only slim people were deserving of love and admiration and (oh God save me) even fidelity. Of course, I eventually learned that it was a whole load of bullcrap, but sometimes on my weakest days, that particular demon comes creeping back and I end up hating myself again.

    I did eventually start on a whole journey of self acceptance where I started to exercise because I wanted to. I discovered that I love belly dancing, salsa and zumba so I've incorporated those into my exercise regime. There is a plateau though, since I find it hard to give up my indulgences like chocolate, fries and other things completely. Plus, maybe it's genetics, but I've accepted that my current size is probably going to be my lifelong size. For a while, that was okay with me but I recently gained back some weight that I worked so hard at losing and all of a sudden, the demons were back.

    I'm lucky to have an amazing fiance who not only loves and accepts me for how I look, he considers it his mission to make me believe it. He knows about my insecurities, but I can tell that everytime I backslide and start with my whole body image obsession thing again, he gets really discouraged because he thinks he hasn't done enough to make me feel secure and loved. I hate that my own insecurities make him feel that way, but some scars go really deep. He works out regularly (as do I) and he has a really awesome body and sometimes, I feel like the world looks at us and wonders why someone like him would be attracted to someone like me.

    I'm beyond incensed that I've come this far only to fall back into that sorrowful pit of self loathing. Needless to say, this has taken a toll on my sex drive since I feel like some unattractive crone. We used to have sex at least twice a week, but now it's fallen to the odd blowjob and me making excuses all the time. I think he knows that something is up and he's giving me the space to work through it which I appreciate. But lately, I'm wondering if his lack of sexual appetite is also due to the fact that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. I know that this is probably nuts, but I can't help but wonder what he sees in me physically. It's gotten me so down that I've stopped dressing up since I'm like, "what's the point anyway? I look horrible in everything I wear". Because of that, I look and feel horrible since my confidence and self-acceptance are just receding away, and all I'm left with is a pear-shaped body that I find so hard to love.

    I spent half my life hating myself for being fat and it sucks that I now hate myself for being weak and allowing empty and shallow idiots to have such an impact on me.

    If you're reading this, just, you know. Be kind to others. Choose your words a little more carefully. Take an extra moment to process before you speak. You have no idea the impact that your words can have on someone. One insensitive comment can be brushed off, but a lifetime filled with insensitive comments can leave such an indelible scar.

    I'm not sure what to do for now. I'm hoping that this is just another horrible phase, but any words of advice would really be great. Anyhow, thanks for listening though.

    Massive hugs I'm 49 now and finally after years of hating my body accept I'm an 18 in three shops I avoid all fashion shops that cater for tiny sizes I wish I could say it's easy to ignore the nasty comments but it's hard work sometimes, I had them from my aunt who brought me up remember your fiance loves you.

    1438176991
    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello hon, I wanted to write something quick so you know there are other women on here who "get it" and you are not alone. Have you been able to get any type of counseling on this? Please do not think i am being too forward or rude, but it seems like a long and real struggle for you that may benefit from working with a professional about. Your mental well being is such a big part of a healthy sex life, I hope even writing it out helped you feel better.

    1438178948
    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    I suppose I sort of understand how you feel... I may not come from an Asian country but nevertheless, in my home country no women who are bigger than UK size 8-10 get considered pretty. I used to weigh over 300 pounds (throughout my high school years I was severely bullied and many people still consider me gross) and even though I have lost more than 100lbs and dropped to size 14-16 I am still considered undateable (as in seriously undateable - at the age of 28 I am still a virgin who has never been kissed). I would do absolutely anything to be at least slightly pretty (a couple of weeks ago I actually had some saggy skin cut off my belly) but yeah, I kind of realise I am never going to look attractive enough to find a partner. Having zero experience with relationships, I cannot really give you any particularly good bit of advice (but trust me, I feel for you, I really do) - just trust your fiancé, I am sure he knows why he loves you and why he finds you attractive. Try to believe him and perhaps try to ignore comments made by people who don't really know you and who just feel they can offend anyone who does not look like a supermodel.

    1438182653
    Clockwork_Oasis [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey, I am so so sorry you feel this way. I recognize so many of the feelings you describe, as most of my life too has been a constant struggle against my own self loathing.

    Now, I will tell you what worked for me, and it might not work for you. But I hope, at least, that knowing that I - size 20 and with annoying, coarse black hairs growing everywhere they shouldn't - can be happy and feel beautiful (heck, I don't only feel beautiful, I've realized that in many ways I am beautiful) then you certainly can.

    A couple of years ago, I was in my mid twenties somewhere, I just got so tired of always feeling ugly and unattractive. I realized how much of my time I used to shy away from gazes, how I cringed every time I passed a mirror and how - like you - couldn't muster the energy to dress up, because "what's the point".

    I really wanted to find a way out of that dark hole, and someone told me "how can you think you're ugly when your OH looks at you with such an adoring gaze?" and I thought to myself: yes? Why do I trust my own sad judgement over the person who actually wants to sleep with me?

    So for one week I asked "how do I look" in the morning, and I told myself that whatever the answer was, that was how I would think of myself that day.
    And YES it felt super dorky and like some cheesy teambuilding exercise, and YES it was super hard. But it was also very effective.

    "You look beautiful, I love how your hair is all bouncy today" said my OH. And I would think to myself "Today, I'm beautiful, and my hair is nice and bouncy". Then I would go to the mirror, look at myself and think "okay, so this is how I look when I'm beautiful, and when my hair is like this, it is nice and bouncy" And then I would try to go about my day, repeating it to myself whenever some shiny surfice tried to convince me I looked like a gnome frm some dark fairytale.

    This was really difficult, but using the eyes of someone who loved me as a mirror turned out to be a good idea. Slowly, but surely, I started wanting to dress up to please my OH's eyes, and a little bit after that, I wanted to dress up because it made me feel better about myself. And sure enough, 2 years later, I gather the confidence from myself, and can recognize my own beauty.

    Of course, some days (like today) I still feel like a nightmare. But I've promised myself to trust those I love when they compliment me. And although it is difficult, it has made my life easier.

    It's all about finding a way to shift the way you look at yourself, even if that means temporarily looking at yourself through the eyes of someone else.

    Now, tell your fiance what you're goign through. He deserves to know what is happening. Voice your concern that he doesn't find you attractive anymore. Let him convince you otherwise.

    Maybe put on your nicest lingerie and stand in front of him. Study his face and trust the reaction. THAT's what you look like.

    I also strongly recommend some therapy of one type or another, because you seem to have a deep depression in regards to these issues. Take care of yourself, you're worth it.

    1438184652

    [suspended user]

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    Clockwork_Oasis wrote:

    Hey, I am so so sorry you feel this way. I recognize so many of the feelings you describe, as most of my life too has been a constant struggle against my own self loathing.

    Now, I will tell you what worked for me, and it might not work for you. But I hope, at least, that knowing that I - size 20 and with annoying, coarse black hairs growing everywhere they shouldn't - can be happy and feel beautiful (heck, I don't only feel beautiful, I've realized that in many ways I am beautiful) then you certainly can.

    A couple of years ago, I was in my mid twenties somewhere, I just got so tired of always feeling ugly and unattractive. I realized how much of my time I used to shy away from gazes, how I cringed every time I passed a mirror and how - like you - couldn't muster the energy to dress up, because "what's the point".

    I really wanted to find a way out of that dark hole, and someone told me "how can you think you're ugly when your OH looks at you with such an adoring gaze?" and I thought to myself: yes? Why do I trust my own sad judgement over the person who actually wants to sleep with me?

    So for one week I asked "how do I look" in the morning, and I told myself that whatever the answer was, that was how I would think of myself that day.
    And YES it felt super dorky and like some cheesy teambuilding exercise, and YES it was super hard. But it was also very effective.

    "You look beautiful, I love how your hair is all bouncy today" said my OH. And I would think to myself "Today, I'm beautiful, and my hair is nice and bouncy". Then I would go to the mirror, look at myself and think "okay, so this is how I look when I'm beautiful, and when my hair is like this, it is nice and bouncy" And then I would try to go about my day, repeating it to myself whenever some shiny surfice tried to convince me I looked like a gnome frm some dark fairytale.

    This was really difficult, but using the eyes of someone who loved me as a mirror turned out to be a good idea. Slowly, but surely, I started wanting to dress up to please my OH's eyes, and a little bit after that, I wanted to dress up because it made me feel better about myself. And sure enough, 2 years later, I gather the confidence from myself, and can recognize my own beauty.

    Of course, some days (like today) I still feel like a nightmare. But I've promised myself to trust those I love when they compliment me. And although it is difficult, it has made my life easier.

    It's all about finding a way to shift the way you look at yourself, even if that means temporarily looking at yourself through the eyes of someone else.

    Now, tell your fiance what you're goign through. He deserves to know what is happening. Voice your concern that he doesn't find you attractive anymore. Let him convince you otherwise.

    Maybe put on your nicest lingerie and stand in front of him. Study his face and trust the reaction. THAT's what you look like.

    I also strongly recommend some therapy of one type or another, because you seem to have a deep depression in regards to these issues. Take care of yourself, you're worth it.

    That was so worthy to be read! Just beautiful.

    1438227132
    Minkish Minx [sign in to see picture]
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    Omg you guys. I wrote that post during one of my episodes and was kinda dreading reading the responses to that chunk of self-pity. I come here and I'm overwhelmed by the kindness and acceptance of everyone. This truly is a beautiful community, thank you all so much, from the bottom of my heart.

    I'm feeling loads better now, had a talk with the fiance about it. We're going to try having a little weekend getaway soon and in the meantime, he says we'll just work through together as a team. ♥

    Jessicaleon11 wrote:

    Big hugs, your fiancé loves you for who you are and will do no matter what Shape or size you are. That's why he is with you, for you! He is giving you space as to not pressure you and for no other reason, and that's cos he loves you :)

    Don't be so hard on yourself, I know how hard it can be when you constantly judge yourself but you need to remember that all your friends and family love you for who you are (and anyone who doesn't isn't worth having in your life)

    Xxxx lots of love, sorry I can't be of more help xx

    Thank you so much for your lovely lovely words. c: They mean a lot, and it's always good to have a reminder that the ones who love me love me for who I am. It's criminal to forget, but we all get weak sometimes. You are a ton of help, and I feel so much better after reading your words.

    kittencub wrote: Massive hugs I'm 49 now and finally after years of hating my body accept I'm an 18 in three shops I avoid all fashion shops that cater for tiny sizes I wish I could say it's easy to ignore the nasty comments but it's hard work sometimes, I had them from my aunt who brought me up remember your fiance loves you.
    Massive hugs back! I think acceptance is the most important thing and I hope to one day get to where you are. c: I'm lucky that thanks to the internet, shopping for clothes has become a much easier task since I'm no longer limited to the teeny tiny offerings that some local stores have. I'll be sure to remember that, thank you so much for taking the time to write such a nice reply!

    Vanessa8 wrote: Hello hon, I wanted to write something quick so you know there are other women on here who "get it" and you are not alone. Have you been able to get any type of counseling on this? Please do not think i am being too forward or rude, but it seems like a long and real struggle for you that may benefit from working with a professional about. Your mental well being is such a big part of a healthy sex life, I hope even writing it out helped you feel better.
    Please don't worry, I totally get it! And thank you for asking. c: I once tried counselling but it was a total bust. For some reason, unless I'm in the middle of one of my episodes, I tend to be able to detach myself and rationalize my way through things. I ended up just giving the counselor the answers that she wanted to hear and it was a total waste of time, more fool me. I usually have this protective shield up and don't really want others, especially strangers, to know about my vulnerability, especially in person. Maybe I ought to try it again, and properly this time.

    Writing about it did help a lot. It was cathartic and putting all the nastiness into words helps me to understand and process it better. Thank you so much for your concern and empathy, it really means a lot. c:

    Briona87 wrote: I suppose I sort of understand how you feel... I may not come from an Asian country but nevertheless, in my home country no women who are bigger than UK size 8-10 get considered pretty. I used to weigh over 300 pounds (throughout my high school years I was severely bullied and many people still consider me gross) and even though I have lost more than 100lbs and dropped to size 14-16 I am still considered undateable (as in seriously undateable - at the age of 28 I am still a virgin who has never been kissed). I would do absolutely anything to be at least slightly pretty (a couple of weeks ago I actually had some saggy skin cut off my belly) but yeah, I kind of realise I am never going to look attractive enough to find a partner. Having zero experience with relationships, I cannot really give you any particularly good bit of advice (but trust me, I feel for you, I really do) - just trust your fiancé, I am sure he knows why he loves you and why he finds you attractive. Try to believe him and perhaps try to ignore comments made by people who don't really know you and who just feel they can offend anyone who does not look like a supermodel.
    Oh dear, please don't feel that way about yourself! *hugs* No one should ever consider themselves undateable and I feel so incensed that there have been people in your life that ever made you feel that way about yourself. From the little that you've said to me, there's so much beauty and strength in you that I can see. Few people have the empathy to feel for a complete stranger and to take the time to help them feel better. Few people have the determination and strength to get on such a rigorous weight loss regime and lose so much weight. I know how hard it can be, and I truly respect and admire you for that.

    If no one can appreciate your beauty, it's their utter loss. I know first hand how we can be the hardest on judging ourselves, but let me be the person to remind you today that you are indisputably beautiful. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. c:

    1438227165
    Minkish Minx [sign in to see picture]
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    Clockwork_Oasis wrote:

    Hey, I am so so sorry you feel this way. I recognize so many of the feelings you describe, as most of my life too has been a constant struggle against my own self loathing.

    Now, I will tell you what worked for me, and it might not work for you. But I hope, at least, that knowing that I - size 20 and with annoying, coarse black hairs growing everywhere they shouldn't - can be happy and feel beautiful (heck, I don't only feel beautiful, I've realized that in many ways I am beautiful) then you certainly can.

    A couple of years ago, I was in my mid twenties somewhere, I just got so tired of always feeling ugly and unattractive. I realized how much of my time I used to shy away from gazes, how I cringed every time I passed a mirror and how - like you - couldn't muster the energy to dress up, because "what's the point".

    I really wanted to find a way out of that dark hole, and someone told me "how can you think you're ugly when your OH looks at you with such an adoring gaze?" and I thought to myself: yes? Why do I trust my own sad judgement over the person who actually wants to sleep with me?

    So for one week I asked "how do I look" in the morning, and I told myself that whatever the answer was, that was how I would think of myself that day.
    And YES it felt super dorky and like some cheesy teambuilding exercise, and YES it was super hard. But it was also very effective.

    "You look beautiful, I love how your hair is all bouncy today" said my OH. And I would think to myself "Today, I'm beautiful, and my hair is nice and bouncy". Then I would go to the mirror, look at myself and think "okay, so this is how I look when I'm beautiful, and when my hair is like this, it is nice and bouncy" And then I would try to go about my day, repeating it to myself whenever some shiny surfice tried to convince me I looked like a gnome frm some dark fairytale.

    This was really difficult, but using the eyes of someone who loved me as a mirror turned out to be a good idea. Slowly, but surely, I started wanting to dress up to please my OH's eyes, and a little bit after that, I wanted to dress up because it made me feel better about myself. And sure enough, 2 years later, I gather the confidence from myself, and can recognize my own beauty.

    Of course, some days (like today) I still feel like a nightmare. But I've promised myself to trust those I love when they compliment me. And although it is difficult, it has made my life easier.

    It's all about finding a way to shift the way you look at yourself, even if that means temporarily looking at yourself through the eyes of someone else.

    Now, tell your fiance what you're goign through. He deserves to know what is happening. Voice your concern that he doesn't find you attractive anymore. Let him convince you otherwise.

    Maybe put on your nicest lingerie and stand in front of him. Study his face and trust the reaction. THAT's what you look like.

    I also strongly recommend some therapy of one type or another, because you seem to have a deep depression in regards to these issues. Take care of yourself, you're worth it.

    I had to respond to this separately firstly because my original reply was getting too long and mostly because this made me all sniffy and teary in the best way possible. Thank you so much for taking the time to write something so beautiful and lovely and kind. 

    I'm totally feeling you about the mirrors. I don't think I ever spend more than a couple of seconds looking at myself in the mirror, and even then, only when very necessary. Which is why this line that you said really got to me: "using the eyes of someone who loved me as a mirror". I think, all my life, I've been seeing myself through the eyes of the people who ridiculed me and put me down so much that I've been totally discounting what the people who actually love me have to say. And why should I believe those nobodies over the one I've chosen to spend my life with? Your words have really awakened me and I think I'm really going to try doing what you've done which is to just believe in his love for me. I've always had these little questions going on whenever he compliments me, like, "he's just being kind because he loves me" but maybe I just really ought to take it at face value.

    You're right, as is Vanessa, my problems run really deep and I think years of bottling them up and not talking about them made it worse. I've always been too embarrassed / proud to let anyone know how hurt I've been by such comments so for years, I just laughed it off like it was a funny joke (kind of like, "hahaha, I've got a good sense of humour" vs "oh boohoo, I'm fat AND sensitive"). I'm definitely going to look into finding someone more professional to speak with but for now, I'm going to go talk to the one who matters the most to me.

    Thank you so much for your words, and your time. More than I can say. ♥ ♥ ♥

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    Clockwork_Oasis [sign in to see picture]
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    Minkish Minx wrote:

    Clockwork_Oasis wrote:

    Hey, I am so so sorry you feel this way. I recognize so many of the feelings you describe, as most of my life too has been a constant struggle against my own self loathing.

    Now, I will tell you what worked for me, and it might not work for you. But I hope, at least, that knowing that I - size 20 and with annoying, coarse black hairs growing everywhere they shouldn't - can be happy and feel beautiful (heck, I don't only feel beautiful, I've realized that in many ways I am beautiful) then you certainly can.

    A couple of years ago, I was in my mid twenties somewhere, I just got so tired of always feeling ugly and unattractive. I realized how much of my time I used to shy away from gazes, how I cringed every time I passed a mirror and how - like you - couldn't muster the energy to dress up, because "what's the point".

    I really wanted to find a way out of that dark hole, and someone told me "how can you think you're ugly when your OH looks at you with such an adoring gaze?" and I thought to myself: yes? Why do I trust my own sad judgement over the person who actually wants to sleep with me?

    So for one week I asked "how do I look" in the morning, and I told myself that whatever the answer was, that was how I would think of myself that day.
    And YES it felt super dorky and like some cheesy teambuilding exercise, and YES it was super hard. But it was also very effective.

    "You look beautiful, I love how your hair is all bouncy today" said my OH. And I would think to myself "Today, I'm beautiful, and my hair is nice and bouncy". Then I would go to the mirror, look at myself and think "okay, so this is how I look when I'm beautiful, and when my hair is like this, it is nice and bouncy" And then I would try to go about my day, repeating it to myself whenever some shiny surfice tried to convince me I looked like a gnome frm some dark fairytale.

    This was really difficult, but using the eyes of someone who loved me as a mirror turned out to be a good idea. Slowly, but surely, I started wanting to dress up to please my OH's eyes, and a little bit after that, I wanted to dress up because it made me feel better about myself. And sure enough, 2 years later, I gather the confidence from myself, and can recognize my own beauty.

    Of course, some days (like today) I still feel like a nightmare. But I've promised myself to trust those I love when they compliment me. And although it is difficult, it has made my life easier.

    It's all about finding a way to shift the way you look at yourself, even if that means temporarily looking at yourself through the eyes of someone else.

    Now, tell your fiance what you're goign through. He deserves to know what is happening. Voice your concern that he doesn't find you attractive anymore. Let him convince you otherwise.

    Maybe put on your nicest lingerie and stand in front of him. Study his face and trust the reaction. THAT's what you look like.

    I also strongly recommend some therapy of one type or another, because you seem to have a deep depression in regards to these issues. Take care of yourself, you're worth it.

    I had to respond to this separately firstly because my original reply was getting too long and mostly because this made me all sniffy and teary in the best way possible. Thank you so much for taking the time to write something so beautiful and lovely and kind.

    I'm totally feeling you about the mirrors. I don't think I ever spend more than a couple of seconds looking at myself in the mirror, and even then, only when very necessary. Which is why this line that you said really got to me: "using the eyes of someone who loved me as a mirror". I think, all my life, I've been seeing myself through the eyes of the people who ridiculed me and put me down so much that I've been totally discounting what the people who actually love me have to say. And why should I believe those nobodies over the one I've chosen to spend my life with? Your words have really awakened me and I think I'm really going to try doing what you've done which is to just believe in his love for me. I've always had these little questions going on whenever he compliments me, like, "he's just being kind because he loves me" but maybe I just really ought to take it at face value.

    You're right, as is Vanessa, my problems run really deep and I think years of bottling them up and not talking about them made it worse. I've always been too embarrassed / proud to let anyone know how hurt I've been by such comments so for years, I just laughed it off like it was a funny joke (kind of like, "hahaha, I've got a good sense of humour" vs "oh boohoo, I'm fat AND sensitive"). I'm definitely going to look into finding someone more professional to speak with but for now, I'm going to go talk to the one who matters the most to me.

    Thank you so much for your words, and your time. More than I can say. ♥ ♥ ♥

    Oh, goodness.. Now your reply made me all sniffy and teary... what a loop we're in. <3

    I'm so glad I could help you consider things in a new light. Taking compliments at face value is really (really) hard, but I truly think it will help you if you dare committ to it =). It can be quite scary going around telling yourself you're gorgeous, but it's good!

    All the luck in the world to you, and I'm so glad you're considering getting some help.

    And should you need more of my time and words, let me know! There are many more where they came from ;-)

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    Lovethekink [sign in to see picture]
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    Glad you are feeling a bit better huni, you know where to come when you just need that bit of reassurance, bug hugs xx

    1438256283
    Minkish Minx [sign in to see picture]
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    Clockwork_Oasis wrote:

    Minkish Minx wrote:

    Clockwork_Oasis wrote:

    Hey, I am so so sorry you feel this way. I recognize so many of the feelings you describe, as most of my life too has been a constant struggle against my own self loathing.

    Now, I will tell you what worked for me, and it might not work for you. But I hope, at least, that knowing that I - size 20 and with annoying, coarse black hairs growing everywhere they shouldn't - can be happy and feel beautiful (heck, I don't only feel beautiful, I've realized that in many ways I am beautiful) then you certainly can.

    A couple of years ago, I was in my mid twenties somewhere, I just got so tired of always feeling ugly and unattractive. I realized how much of my time I used to shy away from gazes, how I cringed every time I passed a mirror and how - like you - couldn't muster the energy to dress up, because "what's the point".

    I really wanted to find a way out of that dark hole, and someone told me "how can you think you're ugly when your OH looks at you with such an adoring gaze?" and I thought to myself: yes? Why do I trust my own sad judgement over the person who actually wants to sleep with me?

    So for one week I asked "how do I look" in the morning, and I told myself that whatever the answer was, that was how I would think of myself that day.
    And YES it felt super dorky and like some cheesy teambuilding exercise, and YES it was super hard. But it was also very effective.

    "You look beautiful, I love how your hair is all bouncy today" said my OH. And I would think to myself "Today, I'm beautiful, and my hair is nice and bouncy". Then I would go to the mirror, look at myself and think "okay, so this is how I look when I'm beautiful, and when my hair is like this, it is nice and bouncy" And then I would try to go about my day, repeating it to myself whenever some shiny surfice tried to convince me I looked like a gnome frm some dark fairytale.

    This was really difficult, but using the eyes of someone who loved me as a mirror turned out to be a good idea. Slowly, but surely, I started wanting to dress up to please my OH's eyes, and a little bit after that, I wanted to dress up because it made me feel better about myself. And sure enough, 2 years later, I gather the confidence from myself, and can recognize my own beauty.

    Of course, some days (like today) I still feel like a nightmare. But I've promised myself to trust those I love when they compliment me. And although it is difficult, it has made my life easier.

    It's all about finding a way to shift the way you look at yourself, even if that means temporarily looking at yourself through the eyes of someone else.

    Now, tell your fiance what you're goign through. He deserves to know what is happening. Voice your concern that he doesn't find you attractive anymore. Let him convince you otherwise.

    Maybe put on your nicest lingerie and stand in front of him. Study his face and trust the reaction. THAT's what you look like.

    I also strongly recommend some therapy of one type or another, because you seem to have a deep depression in regards to these issues. Take care of yourself, you're worth it.

    I had to respond to this separately firstly because my original reply was getting too long and mostly because this made me all sniffy and teary in the best way possible. Thank you so much for taking the time to write something so beautiful and lovely and kind.

    I'm totally feeling you about the mirrors. I don't think I ever spend more than a couple of seconds looking at myself in the mirror, and even then, only when very necessary. Which is why this line that you said really got to me: "using the eyes of someone who loved me as a mirror". I think, all my life, I've been seeing myself through the eyes of the people who ridiculed me and put me down so much that I've been totally discounting what the people who actually love me have to say. And why should I believe those nobodies over the one I've chosen to spend my life with? Your words have really awakened me and I think I'm really going to try doing what you've done which is to just believe in his love for me. I've always had these little questions going on whenever he compliments me, like, "he's just being kind because he loves me" but maybe I just really ought to take it at face value.

    You're right, as is Vanessa, my problems run really deep and I think years of bottling them up and not talking about them made it worse. I've always been too embarrassed / proud to let anyone know how hurt I've been by such comments so for years, I just laughed it off like it was a funny joke (kind of like, "hahaha, I've got a good sense of humour" vs "oh boohoo, I'm fat AND sensitive"). I'm definitely going to look into finding someone more professional to speak with but for now, I'm going to go talk to the one who matters the most to me.

    Thank you so much for your words, and your time. More than I can say. ♥ ♥ ♥

    Oh, goodness.. Now your reply made me all sniffy and teary... what a loop we're in. <3

    I'm so glad I could help you consider things in a new light. Taking compliments at face value is really (really) hard, but I truly think it will help you if you dare committ to it =). It can be quite scary going around telling yourself you're gorgeous, but it's good!

    All the luck in the world to you, and I'm so glad you're considering getting some help.

    And should you need more of my time and words, let me know! There are many more where they came from ;-)

    Jessicaleon11 wrote:

    Glad you are feeling a bit better huni, you know where to come when you just need that bit of reassurance, bug hugs xx


    Oh gosh, someone's been cutting onions in here, I swear. ;) You guys are so sweet. I feel a million times better than when I wrote that thing yesterday.

    *so many hugs*

    I swear, I'm so glad I watched Frisky Business on Netflix. Sure, the toys are beyond awesome but this is the sweetest, most accepting online community I've had the pleasure of meeting.

    1438324772
    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    I have always sucked at taking compliments... inside I think "yeah right!?" Or think the person is providing false flattery. I tend to alway redirect to others. That was something I worked on with counselor that was a way to start on something without digging too deep at first.

    I would say if you have access to try with a counselor but remember sometimes it sucks because the first few sessions may feel awful digging into wounds that have scabbed over a bit but need to be reopened and healed. Also ADD adults suffer from fear of rejection and this can be related.

    1438341847
    Minkish Minx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Brigadier
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    Vanessa8 wrote:

    I have always sucked at taking compliments... inside I think "yeah right!?" Or think the person is providing false flattery. I tend to alway redirect to others. That was something I worked on with counselor that was a way to start on something without digging too deep at first.

    I would say if you have access to try with a counselor but remember sometimes it sucks because the first few sessions may feel awful digging into wounds that have scabbed over a bit but need to be reopened and healed. Also ADD adults suffer from fear of rejection and this can be related.

    That is really helpful advice! The one thing I fear about counselling is that I usually have no idea where to even begin. I definitely do suffer from fear of rejection even though I don't have ADD. Hopefully I do manage to find a suitable counselor to speak with. I've found that some of them just treat it as a job or are a bit judgemental and those are the ones that I just clam up with or just stop seeing.

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