• Please help - sex advice and, is it cheating?

    1436294990
    Carly [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi, I am writing because I am really struggling at the moment. I absolutely adore my partner and we have been together for 7 years, married for quite a few. When we first got together we used to have sex at least twice a day on average, with time it became once every day, but for the last year it has decreased till now it is rare. Probably once a week if that. I know we both have newish stressful jobs but it is very upsetting. Generally I am incredibly open with my husband. I have told him that I feel sad that we don't have much sex anymore, and that I would like us to be more intimate. Over the past few months I bought a few sex toys which he will try once (some are still unopened though) and then never again. I have tried to look through the lovehoney site with him and asked wht he wanted and the same reaction. I've tried to bring porn back in for us, tried lingerie. I always tell him how much I love him and how hot I find him. He also always tells me he loves me, that Im beautiful and will tell me I look sexy. He also gropes my breasts and spanks my ass sometimes in passing, yet no sex!! I am quite willing to explore. In fact we used to do a lot of outdoor (but hidden) sex, hidden handjobs in public, etc etc and all of that has changed now. I even tell him I am willing to try anything he wants and he will grin and make a remark but not be interested. dont know what is wrong or how to get him interested in sex again.

    It has been making me really upset which Ive explained and he apologises to which I tell him I dont want him to apologise (I just really doubt how attractive he finds me now, and feel worse). Nearly four months ago I asked him if we could try phonesex or sexting, roleplaying online, even if we are together but just in different rooms. Still he has not done that. I feel like anything to do with me is a no.

    A month ago I started sex chatting online with strangers. I stay anonymous and so do they, I like to do roleplays because it takes it even further from them/me being our real selves and I am really enjoying it so much, exploring my kinks and having safe fun. However, I feel terrible that it is not with my husband. i want to do it with him, do anything with him, but it always feels like I am forcing or begging and it makesme feel awful and unwanted. I have even started doing online RPs right next to him for hours while he is watching tv or on his ipad and he doesnt notice. I cant bring myself to tell him because I feel so unwanted by him and I feel like by now whatever changes should come from him, and at th same time I feel like I dont want to stop doing the online RPs etc because I feel sexy and wanted and get release through them. I can honestly say that I wouldn't mind if he was doing the same thing with anonymous strangers, but if he was speaking to a specific person I would be hurt. However, there is now a specific person who wants to keep playing with me and I am considering it. I don't want that, I want my husband, but I dont know what to do.

    Im sorry this is so long, I feel really upset and tried to narrow it down but it feels huge to me.

    1436295544
    sassykitten;) [sign in to see picture]
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    Sorry to hear your having a hard time hun, I think you should just tell him what youve told us that u feel unwanted etc ... perhaps he feels pressured with the new job etc

    1436296434
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm really sorry to hear you're going through a rough patch :( I understand your frustration, as my partner and I have gone through dry spells and I've found it incredibly difficult to introduce new kinks and things I'm interested in, however he's now up for almost anything, and I think the key was going slow and steady.

    Try not to overwhelm your husband with all of these new ideas, as he may be feeling a bit intimidated by it all. Stress is also a major factor and can greatly reduce your sex drive, so although you're in the mood, you may have to just accept that he isn't right now.

    I know it feels personal and its natural to worry that he doesn't find you attractive, however it sounds as though you're very intimate in day to day life, and he is making an effort to show his affection in other ways. If that wasn't the case then perhaps I'd say there is a problem, but from what you're saying it sounds as though he still adores you and finds you attractive, maybe he's just not into sex right now.

    As for talking dirty to strangers online, that would be a big no-no IMO. How would you feel if you found out he was doing the same thing? Ultimately it depends on your own relationship and what boundaries you've agreed on, but if my partner was doing that I'd definitely consider it cheating and a massive betrayal. I do think it's important you discuss this with him, as going behind his back could hurt him even more.

    I'm sorry if I don't have much useful advice, but I hope you're able to sort something out between you xx

    1436297297
    Carly [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for the replies. @sassykitten I have tried to tell him how I feel unwanted and it usually makes him upset, we dont go anywhere from there. @boogaloo, we used to be quite kinky and explore all sorts together so it doesnt feel like my suggestions should intimidate him? Especially when I ask him to have a look himself or together and just suggest anything he is excited by. RE the dirty talking to strangers. I am being genuine that I wouldnt be upset if he was doing it online with anonymous people (different everytime), so that there was no build up of a potential relationship. However, I would feel like if he was talking to the same person it was a form of emotional cheating, and that is what is upsetting me now because I am starting to consider doing that myself. I feel like an awful person but I also feel upset with him and talking doesnt seem to help. I always thought talking was the answer to everything.

    1436298625
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Usually when someone says "is it cheating" it probably is.

    I understand how heart braking it is when you feel your partner is not interested in you, I have incredibly low self esteem so it doesn't take much for me to feel unwanted. My OH has a very straining job and we have gone two weeks without sex, to me this is forever and I feel like I'm begging for sex, but he's just so tired or stressed he's not in the mood at all. However, there are some couples that have it less than monthly and are still happy, sex goes down as a relationship ages, we used to have sex 4 times in a row, now if we have sex too many days in a row we need a break for his stores to recover.

    There's no point bringing in sex toys and lingerie if he's stressed he's stressed, putting more pressure on him to perform when he's stressed will only stress him out more. it's the situation that is the problem. When we went on holiday last year, even though OH was still running the office we were having sex twice a day, he was indulged in me and wasnt short or snappy like he can be at home. Try taking a break together, even just a weekend away.

    honestly, I really think this online chatting should stop, you can't be trying to get something online that you should be getting from a relationship, your partner may see it as you're going through a hard time as a couple and you're turning elsewhere you get yourself off while he's struggling with his own problems. You're married, you're a team, rather than focussing on what he's not giving you, try focusing on what could be the problem for him, he's not refusing you sex on purpose, there's a reason he isn't feeling into it, help him deal with that without making it about your sex needs

    1436302394
    Carly [sign in to see picture]
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    Young and fun95 wrote:

    "...there's a reason he isn't feeling into it, help him deal with that without making it about your sex needs"

    Hi Y&F, thank you for responding. I must just say that I found that comment/phrase a bit upsetting. I don't know if you read my other post but we have always talked about everything, and I mean, everything. As I said there, I had always thought that talking was the answer to all. I am incredibly supportive of my husband as he is to me, and we both say how much our lives our better for being together. However, sex is also incredibly important to me as a form of intimacy. I don't need to go into detail about my past but it is a big deal to me, and I don't think that having sex needs is wrong or should not be just as important form of intimacy. I am supporting him, I also feel that as a team, I need some support too. Whilst some couples have sex rarely and are happy, for both of us that does not make us happy. I really want to try to help to get us back on track. Regarding the rest of your post, I agree that my attempts to bring in other toys and things have not really been helping, even though it is something we used to enjoy. I do like the idea of taking time off together. Unfortunately we don't get loads of holidays, we had one in April and next one is in December, which we are both very much looking forward to!

    1436302957
    Carly [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you Carbon shoveller, I would give you a hug back. I got a bit teary reading your post, actually. Thank you for your honesty and sharing. I am really glad your situation has improved a bit and I hope that it continues to improve for both of you. I think I might be using the RP as a crutch too, and getting more worked up and feeling worse. That is actually a really good idea about changing the internet settings. I let out a sigh when I wrote that, I don't feel ready but I think it is something I must do, before I get to a place where I feel wrong. I already feel guilty for even THINKING about chatting to the same person more than once. Maybe I will ask him if he wants to do some online RP together on that site, and if he doesnt, take it as a sign that I should adjust our adult settings.... Good luck with your wife.

    1436303722
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    Carly wrote:

    Hi, I am writing because I am really struggling at the moment. I absolutely adore my partner and we have been together for 7 years, married for quite a few. When we first got together we used to have sex at least twice a day on average, with time it became once every day, but for the last year it has decreased till now it is rare. Probably once a week if that. I know we both have newish stressful jobs but it is very upsetting. Generally I am incredibly open with my husband. I have told him that I feel sad that we don't have much sex anymore, and that I would like us to be more intimate. Over the past few months I bought a few sex toys which he will try once (some are still unopened though) and then never again. I have tried to look through the lovehoney site with him and asked wht he wanted and the same reaction. I've tried to bring porn back in for us, tried lingerie. I always tell him how much I love him and how hot I find him. He also always tells me he loves me, that Im beautiful and will tell me I look sexy. He also gropes my breasts and spanks my ass sometimes in passing, yet no sex!! I am quite willing to explore. In fact we used to do a lot of outdoor (but hidden) sex, hidden handjobs in public, etc etc and all of that has changed now. I even tell him I am willing to try anything he wants and he will grin and make a remark but not be interested. dont know what is wrong or how to get him interested in sex again.

    It has been making me really upset which Ive explained and he apologises to which I tell him I dont want him to apologise (I just really doubt how attractive he finds me now, and feel worse). Nearly four months ago I asked him if we could try phonesex or sexting, roleplaying online, even if we are together but just in different rooms. Still he has not done that. I feel like anything to do with me is a no.

    A month ago I started sex chatting online with strangers. I stay anonymous and so do they, I like to do roleplays because it takes it even further from them/me being our real selves and I am really enjoying it so much, exploring my kinks and having safe fun. However, I feel terrible that it is not with my husband. i want to do it with him, do anything with him, but it always feels like I am forcing or begging and it makesme feel awful and unwanted. I have even started doing online RPs right next to him for hours while he is watching tv or on his ipad and he doesnt notice. I cant bring myself to tell him because I feel so unwanted by him and I feel like by now whatever changes should come from him, and at th same time I feel like I dont want to stop doing the online RPs etc because I feel sexy and wanted and get release through them. I can honestly say that I wouldn't mind if he was doing the same thing with anonymous strangers, but if he was speaking to a specific person I would be hurt. However, there is now a specific person who wants to keep playing with me and I am considering it. I don't want that, I want my husband, but I dont know what to do.

    Im sorry this is so long, I feel really upset and tried to narrow it down but it feels huge to me.

    Hugs first, now my situation we no longer have sex due to hubby's health and now think he could have MS I have crushes and toys if wanted, though I no longer bother with sexy underwear, he's never been into that. First find out if there's a medical reason then stress or even depression. Please don't chat online I feel rubbish some days but I'm married so stories and my fantasies help me. I love hubby very much do miss sex but since last year when we argued he was sick of my crush on capaldi I told I was sick of being a housekeeper, he knows now to say how he appreciates me so on its cuddles and cheeky spanks I feel loved once more. He is no longer funny about my crushes they are my sex release. Don't know if this is any help but hugs anyway.

    1436308609
    happyvibes [sign in to see picture]
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    Big hugs to you firstly. It really does sound like your husband loves you very much, still telling you this all the time, complimenting you and being playfully affectionate with you too. You both need to have a very open and honest conversation. Start out by saying that you appreciate the love and affcetion he does show you. Try to own your feelings and not put the responsibility for them on his shoulders. "I feel..." as opposed to "you make me feel..." Lay all your cards down on the table about what it is you actually want and need from him and ask him to do the same. See if there is a compromise to be worked out.

    I would say cut the RP out. With him you want to bring things back into the real world more - try sexting when apart or leaving sexy notes for each other to find rather than being sat in the same house but on different computers. And with anyone else, I think you know the answer to that already. If you feel like you need to ask anyone else's opinion on it, then I'm sure you already know. I'd be devastated by this and although you may not be, chances are he would be. And you're never going to get what it is you say you really want - something with your husband - if you are busy online with other people and relying on that to get some release.

    Good luck to you. It's going to take courage, but you have all the support you could want on here. Get talking. Big hugs.

    1436308872
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    I didn't mean it to come across offensive, but what I mean is, like when you have a broken arm, you don't just take pain killers to stop it hurting, you wear a cast to fix it. The lack of sex, like pain, is a symptom of something, focus on the something rather than the sex if that makes sense. he might not even realise what's causing the problem, it could be something very simple and the connection just hasn't clicked, for my OH it's when he hasn't completed something at work that day, even if it's not something urgent, if something is unfinished he can't stop thinking about it until it's done, it took me a while to pick up on it as he's not stressed or tired, just distant, he's currently in the office finishing something off because it's easier than him finishing early and not finishing.

    what im trying to say is, sex is very rarely the problem, but is actually the symptom of the problem and you should try to think about if there is anything else that has changed with him, you say you both have stressful jobs, is this something new for him? Or is someone below him working up to his job, does he have a new boss that's an arsehole?

    1436358809
    Carly [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi everyone, thank you so much for your comments and suggestions. I am really greatful for the support on here. I think I wrote this thread as a first step to doing what I know I wanted to do but I felt like I needed some support. It was the first time I "vocalised" everything.
    @kittencub hugs back to you!! I m sorry your husband is having health problems. That was very eye opening as its true, when it comes down to it we love who we love regardless of whether we can have sex with them. I agree that we also need sexual releases and Im really happy for you both that your stories and fantasies give you the release you need and allows you to maintain your loving relationship together. My best wishes to you.
    @carbon shoveller thank you for what you've said. I didn't know exactly what I was doing on here when I posted my thread I just felt so stuck, yet this community of people have been so open and caring it is heart warming and helpful. Thank you.
    @happyvibes you are right, what I really wanted back was my husband, not the anonymous one offs, and I wouldnt get him from talking to a stranger. Hugs back.
    @Young and fun you are right about underlying problem. I let my insecurities get to me and I had thought the underlying problem was that he was no longer attracted to me, or losing interest. It turned out to be something completely unexpected.

    Update:
    After coming on here I had a discussion last night with my husband. Didn't cover everything yet, but we started. I told him about how I am greatful that he compliments me but that they have started feeling like just words to me and used as brush offs to "keep me happy" whilst avoiding me. I told him that I feel unwanted which leads to me feeling upset. Through all of this discussion it came out very unexpectedly that he is struggling with talking to me about some things from my past, I don't want to overshare but suffice to say he is the only man I have ever had consensual relations with and that is part of why it is such a big deal to me. This is not news to him, but in his new job he has ended up working with some teens in similar situations and he said he has been feeling so angry when he hears their stories because he thinks of me but he didnt know how how to act or what to say because he didnt want to bring up bad stuff for me. It was difficult, I was torn because on the one hand it made me feel like it was tainting his arousal for me, but on the other hand it was heartbreaking to hear and I had to cuddle him for struggling with his emotions and I just wanted to make him feel better.

    So, this is my post-talk list of solutions:
    1. I have told the gentleman who wanted to chat more than once NO, and I have deleted my personal account off the site. I felt a huge weight off my shoulders when I did this.
    2. I hope to make a joint account with my husband and will broach this tonight.
    3. I am also going to tell him that I used the site privately, it might not be a surprise to him with the hints I have dropped. I hope he will not be upset, I dont expect him to be upset that I went on (based on our previous interactions) but he might be upset I did so without telling him first, for which I am going to apologise.
    4. I have ordered some stockings as I remembered how he always used to love me in knee highs, and maybe if I feel like he finds me sexy again I will feel sexy myself and wanted by him.
    5. He said he is going to write his feelings in a book to find a way to get the words out, and he wants to read them to me after he has "got them in order".

    1436359626
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Well that sounds positive.

    I still think a tonic for you both would be to get a weekend away together away from all the job stresses etc.

    Perhaps you could wear those stockings for him and perhhps tease him a little until you get to your hotel . Its amazing what a change of scenery can do .

    1436360187
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    So glad you've managed to get to the root of the problems and hope you keep moving forward, I think you've done right leaving the chat site. All the best x

    1436360189
    happyvibes [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm so happy to hear that you've been able to sit down and have an honest conversation about this, well done, it's a brilliant first step. And it just goes to show how much can be going on under the surface with people we are so close to that you just don't know until you get talking. I'm so sorry to hear of your past experiences and it must be difficult for you both to deal with. I genuinely think that going to see a counsellor would help you both. Often people focus on helping the person that has had the bad experience and forget the problems and feelings this creates for the partner, who then in turn does not want to bring up those thoughts and feelings as they are supposed to be the strong one for their other half. They're often scared to bring up anything for fear of upsetting them by talking about the experience more. But as has been said before on here, marriage is a team, you're in this together, and you need to tackle this together, talking it through from both your perspectives.

    I went to marriage counselling, which unfortunately didn't work for me as at the time I thought it was brilliant for us, and later found out he had lied all the way through it and was nothing more than a cheating scumbag. But it did make me realise how incredible counselling can be for a relationship and for your communication. Even just a couple of sessions to help you learn some communication exercises to take back into your home life. I would thoroughly recommend it to anyone.

    I think your solutions are a great start - number 1 being the most important, and it shows how much of a problem this was by how relieved you felt when this was done.

    Good luck for the next step, and hang in there. I know what you mean about things just feeling like words to brush you off, but try to remember that this is your interpretation of things. He loves you so why assume he doesn't mean the things he says. It's typical of us in general to brush off a compliment, but try to hear them and to believe him.

    Lots more hugs, and a huge well done for finding the courage to tackle things.

    1436360240
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Agree with mysteron about the hotel too, a few nights away would help him forget about work a bit maybe

    1436366538
    Vanessa8 [sign in to see picture]
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    I am just catching up here, but knowing you felt relieved to the delete the account tells you that you needed to do that. Sounds to me like you are making the right steps in communicating and connecting with your partner.

    Best wishes on keeping things moving forward.

    1436386364
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    Delighted for you well done, enjoy the stockings and loads of hugs. All the luck in the world you deserve it.

    1436475802
    LittleLuce [sign in to see picture]
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    I read through and there was so much I wanted to say, but having read the update I see there's no need. All I want to say is you clearly love your husband. I've been on the other end of online/text 'cheating', it hurt significantly (far more to it that I won't bore you with) and I would actually say think very carefully before you admit or discuss this. I worry still. There's issues left. If I was him, I would be thinking is she going to every time this may crop up etc. If you've no intention of going back there, move forward and leave it where it is - done with. Don't drag it up and cause yourself unnecessary problems with your partner. Huge hugs to you!

    1436573331
    Carly [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you everyone. It has been a few days and OH and I have had a lot of heart to hearts. I told him about roleplaying with one off anononymous people on the site and he is not upset, he said he sees it like porn but if I knew the person or kept with the same one he would have been upset. I still apologised for doing it without telling him first. My account has stayed deleted and have not made a new one, he is not too bothered with opening a joint one so we have left it. It is him I want to be with after all. I did tell him about coming on here and he actually read through some of the threads with me. He loves the "weirdest fetish or turn on" threads and it actually seems to really work him up! He ordered me some clear glasses for a game. Yay!

    I can't thank everyone enough for supporting me and giving me courage because it has made a big impact on our relationship. Not all the way there yet, but I dont expect a 360 in 3 days. Can't wait for the glasses and our trip to Starbucks for a tease game.

    Big hugs to you all!! :)

    As a side note, I have to say that I love the general atmosphere of everyone on here, and how many people seem so comfortable in their own bodies with sexy pictures at all different wonderful shapes and sizes, it is amazingly confidence boosting seing real people so comfortable with themselves and their sexuality away from media standards. I am a little bit in love with this site. :)

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