• Not being physically attracted to your partner

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    Skitty [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm really not sure how to write this thread. I'd just really like to know peoples' opinions on how important it is to find your partner physically attractive, and if people have experience of being in a relationship with someone that they don't find physically attractive. Or even what people would count as being physically attracted or not to someone.

    Is it normal to have things that you don't like about the person you're with? If people are emotionally compatible, do you think that you can ignore physical attraction? I hope that it'll be helpful to have some different perspectives on this. How would you say that it feels to be attracted to your partner? If you felt like this was a problem in your relationship, what do you think you'd do about it?

    I'm having a little bit of a difficult time at the moment, so am hoping to be able to share some more specifics about it if I'm feeling brave enough, but would really like to know what people think on this issue in general first :) Sorry for asking so many questions! I don't expect them all to get answered, but if anyone feels like answering any of them that'd be really great. x

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    mrs.hiskett [sign in to see picture]
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    I think you need slow and down and breathe. Ill answerr best i can. It is normal to have dislikes bout your partner . Physical attraction can ignored then again it all depends on circumstance.if my partner walked in now nakrd i would batter him with frying but i would oogle too. Its ok to fancy other people after all its a crush. But acting on itthatsbwhere problems begin in relationships. After all dont people masterbate and follow porn stars while in relationships? Personally you need some sort of attraction to be togther.... Sorry i hope this help

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    bunual [sign in to see picture]
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    I spent three years in a relationship with someone I didn't find that attractive physically. What was more important was the mental connection and the fact we had a lot in common. Physical attraction is one of the things that can bring people together but there are many, many other so I don't think it is a requirement.

    In time, it is likely most people will stop being physically attracted to their partner, unless they age very well, but they stay because of all the other reasons. If you rely on their looks then that is one thing that is almost guaranteed to fade over time.

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    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    My ex I married him to get away from the family I never fancied him ever, sex was a chore from day one. I just wasn't interested he was rubbish anyway first proper sexual relationship but it was a way out, I left him 11 years ago due to drink, the marriage broke down. Though I love hubby it's ironic now our marriage is sexless due to ill health but I fancied him from the start. Love him to bits but I have crushes. Oh there times I'd last year I'dthink I can do without you, we had words eexplained how I felt, today I am appreciated a lot more. Hugs hope you get sorted.

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    Lorah13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Physical attraction is not the most important thing in a relationship but it certainly helps. i find someone's personality makes a whole heap of difference to finding someone attractive as people can have a pretty face but a crap personality and likewise someone who you may not look twice at could be the loveliest person to talk to. If you are both emotionally compatible and have matching personalities you could probably look past the physical attraction if you just generally like being with them. Is there any part of your partner you really like? Even if you arent drawn to their face is there any body part you like to look at? Although I do think my husband is attractive I find my heart skips a beat when I see his bum and his back, I don't know why but i find these bits of him especially pleasing to the eye. Also attraction will vary from person to person, so although you may not find your partner especially attractive someone else may think they are the hottest person on earth but their personalities may not be compatible, so I think if you both genuinely enjoy being in each other's company you've got something good. Looks fade anyway with age and it's the emotional connection that will keep a relationship strong. :)

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    capricorn13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Here is my take, for what it is worth.

    Initially, you are unlikely to get together with someone you find physically unattractive, which is not necessarily the same as finding them attractive. As your relationship develops their personality becomes more important as you build up an emotional connection. You gel as a couple, share some interests and have others that are separate, have great sex etc etc. As time passes she puts on a bit of weight, he starts to loose his hair or whatever but if the bond is strong those physical changes don't seem to matter to much.

    Am I attracted to my husband of 31 years? Well he is carrying a lot more weight and has a lot less hair. He is no oil painting (but then neither am I) but we are somehow more in tune than we have been in a long while. We trust each other, have kids together, he thinks I am gorgeous which makes me feel more confident and at ease with myself. Would I swap him for a younger, sleeker model? No way, though some days he drives me absolutely up the wall.

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    fantasia fairy [sign in to see picture]
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    I have had this problem. I'm not sure how to explain.

    I fall in love easily. I actually love a girl emotionally but in terms of physical attraction there is nothing there whatsoever, i dont know if that it just a needy one. I'm not sure. I would date them no problem if there was no deep sexual stuff if it could just be cuddles and being with someone it would be great.

    In terms of guys..I cant get with someone in the first place that im not physically attracted to but then things change after i have been with them for a while i see their bad sides. (like controlling me) and that instantly makes me see all the little things that are a turn off for me physically too. I stay in a relationship with them sometimes but they can't seduce me if that makes sense? Like if he come over and started touching me i would tell him to piss off. So yes you can be in my eyes in a relationship with someone your not physically attracted too. It just means that the sex is not as good. I also found that when you are in a really good relationship and you are being cared for emotionally then all physical aspects go out the window.

    My ex i was so so so in love with him (although he treated me bad), He could have had an accident that ripped his face off and i would still have been attracted to him.

    This is hard i guess...it depends on the person. I hope this helps.

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    steevo68 [sign in to see picture]
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    Physical attraction is always there for me at the start and yes through time we all dislike things about each other but we learn to live with each others flaws and imperfections. We all change and get different feelings as we journey through the mystery of life. Know its probably not much hep but good luck getting yourself sorted

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think physical attraction is the most important thing, god knows a couple of my exes have not been blessed in the looks department (!!), but I was attracted to their personality and didn't find that it caused any problems.

    I think it's normal for everyone to have things that they don't like about their partners, and that's not a bad thing because nobody is perfect. I feel really guilty saying this, but I don't like the fact that my partner has an obession with picking every spot or insect bite he gets, leaving him covered in scabs sometimes. I think he's a gorgeous man and I am very physically attracted to him in general, but that's one thing that can really bug me sometimes. Sorry, I sound like an absolute bitch!

    To feel attracted to my OH is difficult to describe. For me, I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside me when I see him smile, because he has a gorgeous smile. And I can get lost looking at his butt! But most of the time I'm attracted to him on a much deeper level, and I just feel in love when I'm with him. So in that sense, although I do find him sexy, if I didn't then I don't think it would be an issue for us.

    In terms of what to do about it, it depends what it is that's bugging you, and whether you've always felt that way or not. Can you give us a little more detail if you're comfortable?

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    darklightq [sign in to see picture]
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    I want to say physical attraction is not import and it's just what's inside that counts but I do feel there has to be something there to begin with before you can even start to get into the emotional attraction. I can't nail down what physical attraction is exactly because it's in the eye of the beholder, but for me it's seeing someone and liking part of them other than for the obvious sexual reasons.

    Of course it's normal to dislike things about your partner, afterall it would be hard to find someone who has everything you could ever want physically therefore I would like to think most people will have thinsg they like and dislike in the partner not that it's a bad thing. Also I do think it's easy to ignore physical attraction if there is a compatible emotional one there.

    Whilst not a relationship I have a female friend from ireland who I've known online for close to 9-10 years now. In that time whilst I have found her attractive physically the thing that has made me more attracted to her is our conversations and the emotion side of things. I can talk to her aboiut almost anything from sex, sex toys, music, tv, my life....etc and I love just starting a simple conversation via IM on skype that turns into hours of chat.

    Hopefully this helps?

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    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    Sounds a little against the grain but yes, some level of physical attraction is necessary to a relationship. It's pretty much one of the key things distinguishing it from a friendship.

    I know people say that the physical side of a relationship is not that important, but honestly it is. I can't beat about the bush there. I mean there is a difference between not finding certain things about your partner attractive, but if you're not able to enjoy a physical relationship due to being completely unattracted to them then the relationship is going to run into some serious emotional problems stemming from the poor physical side. It may not be the most important thing, but it can lead to some very big problems if there is a problem with it. If that makes sense?

    I've been in three relationships with men I felt no physical attraction to, to the point where I couldn't bring myself to be physical with them. One of them is now still my best friend, we have such a strong emotional connection. But without the physical connection, it couldn't work. He's my best friend and I love him to bits, but we could never make a relationship work. I ran into the same problems with all three of them, and since they were drastically different people with drastically different sexual needs and desires I am led to believe it was simply the lack of physical connection that caused the problems, since there was no other common factor in the three relationships.

    I know people stay in relationships where there is no physical side for many reasons, but the relationship always suffers for it. Even those who stand up and cry out that their relationship is fine, that they don't need to be physical to love someone, they'll then speak on a bad day and it's a different story. It's more than sex, it's the intimacy and physical/emotional connection that is lost that is the problem. If you can't bring yourself to be intimate with your partner in any way because of the level of unattraction, then yes that's a problem.

    You ask what do people think they'd do about it. Well, honestly (learning from mistakes!) I would try to be as completely honest with myself as possible. We're never going to be 100% attracted to another person. Our level of attraction towards that person will change over time, it will fluctuate up or down for many reasons in the time we are together. Accepting that is a good first step towards determining how big a problem your lack of attraction is. I'd try to ask myself questions, and answer honestly. What exactly am I not attracted to? Is it just their physical appearence? Or is it their behaviour, their personality, how they treat me? Have any of those things changed recently, e.g. they gained weight or stopped pulling their weight around the house? Has anything changed with ME recently? Am I under stress? Is my libido low in general? Am I unhappy with my own appearence, or my own behavior?

    A lot of questions I know, but the point being try to see where exactly the lack of attraction is coming from. I'd also honestly look at how it is affecting the relationship. Am I avoiding sexual contact? Am I avoiding intimacy, likes cuddles and kisses? Does my partner seem aware of or affected by either? How long has it been going on, has it been getting progressively worse or is it a sudden feeling? Do I think it is a problem or am I simply settling into a life with someone I love?

    I don't know that any of that rant will help you, just wanted to give you another point of view to ponder. In short, I guess what I'm saying is that it's pretty important to feel attracted to someone on both a physical and emotional level to have a healthy relationship, but it's okay to find them unattractive sometimes, or to always find certain things unattractive. It just depends what all is going on, really.

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    Sanguine_bazaar [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't know if I'm necessarily the right person to be giving advice on this topic but here's my two cents...

    I'm asexual, meaning that I don't experience experience sexual attraction towards anyone of any gender. I can see that some one is attractive/pretty but there is no feeling associated with it - no desire or urge to do anything. So I totally get where you coming from when you say you don't feel physical attraction, for me that is the norm. I have no clue what is physically attractive or not simply because I don't feel it. Before I realised that I'm asexual I'd moments like that where I felt broken because I didn't feel the same as everyone else that I'm missing something and it's a horrible feeling. But if that's how you feel then that's normal for you

    So don't worry about not feeling attracted to your partner or finding faults in them that's perfectly normal too

    I hope that helps

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    Secretty [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes, physical attraction is neccessary. I feel like I'm in the minority here, but I think it is.

    There's some cases where physical attraction isn't what comes first though. There's been plenty of couples that have started out as friends and never thought about the other in that way. Then, as they start to fall for each other, they become far more attractive to the other person.

    I feel a lack of physical attraction will cause problems in the end. If you don't think of someone sexually like that, you're going to start looking elsewhere. Noticing people you DO find more attractive and, if you get hit on, you're going to be more tempted than if your in a relationship with someone you find sexy. Not saying you, or anyone else, would, just saying logically it's more likely that people would.

    It's entirely possible to become invested in your partner for their personality first. But I don't think I believe that you can love and want to be with someone if they do nothing for you. It's normal for there to be stuff you don't like about the other person, but if that stuff is basically everything about the way they look, you may find yourself with problems.

    Personally, I don't think being emotionally compatible is enough to ignore physical attraction. If you don't find the other person attractive, you're basically just very good friends. My OH is my BEST friend. But I wouldn't be able to be JUST best friends with her. I have to be with her. I don't feel like itd be the same emotion if I didn't find her attractive.

    As for how it feels being attracted to someone, you'd know if you feel it is all I can say. Obviously, it's different for me and my OH. I love her, so it goes beyond physical attraction. I have a yearning, burning feeling I see her and feel like a large part of me is missing when she's gone.

    If a lack of physical attraction felt like a problem for me...I'm sorry if I sound selfish, but I couldn't be with that person...I'm a very sexual person, as is my other half and it would be unfair on both of us to keep going.

    Sex and attraction is important in a relationship. Mine anyway. I think it's naive to try to argue that it isnt. A compatible sexual relationship can make or break a couple. I love showing my OH how I feel about her and if I didn't feel like I wanted to due to a lack of attraction, I would feel rubbish.

    That's my feelings on the subject. Sorry if they're not popular. I hope I managed to help in some way.

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    VirginAngel [sign in to see picture]
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    I was not remotely physically attracted to my ex. I gave the relationship a chance as i liked him personality wise, and because i am aware i'm not attractive myself to hold a double standard of only giving the time of day to physically attractive men.

    It was long distance, so when i did see him naked it was via webcam, had it not been, i'm honestly not sure if i could have hidden my dislike of him physically. I'm not trying to be mean, but he was incredibly skinny, to the point his cheeks, collarbone, shoulders and even chest were concave with every bone showing. He could almost fit his own hands thumb to thumb around his back and middle fingers just a few inches from touching round the front of his waist, he genuinely looked ill and i feared for his health. Had it come to meeting and having sex, i'm not entirely sure what i would have done, the look and feel of his body would have been a complete turn off. I do not think i could have slept with him.

    Looks aren't the be all and end all, and with time they can and do fade, due to age, illness etc, but i wouldn't again date a man i wasn't physically attracted to.

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Lovebirds_x wrote:

    You ask what do people think they'd do about it. Well, honestly (learning from mistakes!) I would try to be as completely honest with myself as possible. We're never going to be 100% attracted to another person. Our level of attraction towards that person will change over time, it will fluctuate up or down for many reasons in the time we are together. Accepting that is a good first step towards determining how big a problem your lack of attraction is. I'd try to ask myself questions, and answer honestly. What exactly am I not attracted to? Is it just their physical appearence? Or is it their behaviour, their personality, how they treat me? Have any of those things changed recently, e.g. they gained weight or stopped pulling their weight around the house? Has anything changed with ME recently? Am I under stress? Is my libido low in general? Am I unhappy with my own appearence, or my own behavior?

    A lot of questions I know, but the point being try to see where exactly the lack of attraction is coming from. I'd also honestly look at how it is affecting the relationship. Am I avoiding sexual contact? Am I avoiding intimacy, likes cuddles and kisses? Does my partner seem aware of or affected by either? How long has it been going on, has it been getting progressively worse or is it a sudden feeling? Do I think it is a problem or am I simply settling into a life with someone I love?

    This sums it up really well, great advice :)

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    innocent-fun [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't rate physical attraction high on the needs for a relationship. I don't find my husband physically unattractive, but don't swoon over his appearance (he was probably better looking when we met about 10years ago). But we've grown together, we hold similar values and we just work well together. Sure sometimes we'd gladly murder the other (just kidding) but we balance each other and love each other very much, I wouldn't change our relationship for someone more physically attractive.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Being old fashioned I think physical attraction is important . Going back to my own case of which I will expand on at some time in the future . It was my now Mrs who first spotted me at a Nightclub perhaps nearly 100 meters away and it was fortunate for her that she was with a friend who knew me. So I have to say physical attraction was what started the ball rolling.

    Again from a blokes point of view physical attration is the first thing that starts the "cat and mouse" chase at a nightclub or similar type of crowded venue. The rest comes later.

    Perhaps as we get older and we gain more wrinkles and warts physical attraction becomes less important in a relationship and intimacy and trust become the primary factors.

    Just my view .

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    twincats [sign in to see picture]
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    To me, beauty is within the eye of the beholder. The inner person is important honesty and love and attraction dose help. You must love each other, above all. Love comes in many forms.

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    Kinky&Curvy [sign in to see picture]
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    I find this thread to be very helpful!
    I'm in a similar situation at the mo....

    I like a guy, he's got a great personality, happy-go-lucky kind, makes me laugh and I find him good-looking...but sexually attracted to him, I don't think I am :/

    It's annoying because I don't even know why... I just think the though of kissing him is okay but anything further is just out of bounds. Though occasionally I get butterflys....I'm confusin myself :(

    I wonder if it's that I haven't been in a relationship sexual or otherwise in a year and a half....

    I'm at work so will have to read through everyones replies above later, it might help me get some perspective though if you have any advice i'd be willing to here it.

    I always believe there needs to be some attraction in a relationship, obviously personality is key but there's no point in being with someone that you find it a chore to do anything other than converse.

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    I think it is a really personal thing as to whether physical attraction is important or not, and only each individual knows how it works for them in their life.

    I don't think someone has to be typically attractive for another person to find them sexy, gorgeous etc. I do think it is important that they get you going physically though. As someone else said surely this is what defines them as different from a friendship.

    I left my last relationship partly because of this issue. My ex-husband was gorgeous, typicially handsome to most people. But for whatever reason the physical attraction dropped for me, which meant we lost intimacy, which meant other issues came to light as well. It kight seem daft or silly to other people but if I could have got the physical connection back then we would have stayed together.

    The trouble was without the physical intimacy I felt like i was in a marriage with a brother type figure, he's still my best friend and I love him dearly, but I need to feel some sort of passion and desire for the person I'm planning to spend my life with. I'm only 30 so it seems like settling for a life without the physical attraction seemed unfair to both of us. I think he deserves to have someone get excited by him.

    I know people have said that it doesn't necessarilly matter, but I'm guessing most people here still get aroused turned on by their partner, to some degree at least given the type of forum this is. For me that's what it comes down to, it's okay if you down swoon over them and think their the most gorgeous specimen you've ever seen, but I do think they need to get you going on a physical level.

    xx

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