• Is it worth it?

    1431009358
    Shadow Collector [sign in to see picture]
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    Hey Everyone,

    I'm not really a regular, and I'm not sure if this is appropriate for this site, or if it is whether I'm in the corect section. If it isn't I apologise profusely, I just want some advice and honestly, this is the only place I know that would be honest and not judgemental. Ironic that strangers are the only people I can trust.

    By some miracle, there's a lady in my life. A woman who is intelligent, beautiful, funny, sexy as hell and (get this) willing to be seen with me!

    We've been seeing eachother for a few months now, and she wants things to get sexual. I love this idea. But I've keeping some secrets from her. Namely, scars.

    I don't want to have to explain them to her, but if she sees them she's bound to want to know and I just can't handle that. She's amazing, and god knows I'll never do better. But maybe it's not suppsed to be. If the price of secrecy is loneliness, so be it.

    She might ask, and she might be okay with me saying I don't want to discuss it, or she might not be. I trust her, but she might not get what a big deal it is to me, how much I value discresion. If she spreads this stuff around there are a lot of people I couldn't face again.

    My question- and please, be honest with me- is our relationship worth pursuing, or should I break it off now?

    1431009827
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    I would definitely say it's worth pursuing, even though it may force you to step outside of your comfort zone.

    I don't know why you have your scars, and I won't ask just in case, but my body is absolutely covered in scars from self harm. Legs, stomach, both arms all the way up... it's pretty horrendous. I don't self harm any more, but for a long time I felt ashamed and hid my body from everyone. I found it difficult to answer people's questions if they confronted me and just generally struggled to come to terms with what I've done to myself.

    Eventually though I just decided I can't hide forever, and chose to stop hiding parts of my body away. It was hugely uncomfortable at first, especially when people would look at me funny or ask me loads of questions. In the end, I've realised that it's not a bad thing for people to do this, as often they're just asking out of curiosity because they want to learn more, instead of doing it to interrogate you.

    I appreciate it's new territory, but if this is somebody you trust then perhaps she can help you take the first step and accept yourself for who you are, no matter what you look like. We all have scars, some worse than others, but it's just who we are and a reminder that we're all human, and all vulnerable in some way. In that sense, scars are actually sort of beautiful.

    1431010341
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Honesty is the key to any lasting relationship .

    You havn't stated what the scars are from . If they are fom self arm as Boo as suggested than just tell her that it was a phase you went through. My son went through a phase of this whilst being bullied at school

    There is no shame in this so just be honest. I bet she will appreciate you more for being honest and opening up to her .

    1431010844
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    And to add

    Don't be silly of course she is worth it !

    1431010875
    MattAJ [sign in to see picture]
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    It's definitely worth pursing. Don't rush things. Don't put pressure on yourself. Enjoy the relationship as it develops. Let the trust develop between you. As Boogaloo says we all have scars - some more visible than others. You may find your lady is just as worried about revealing things to you.

    Just remember if someone truly loves you they will accept you as you are and will help you to do the same.

    1431011002
    nodrog [sign in to see picture]
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    No no no don't break it off because of your scars I'm sure she would understand if you didn't want to talk about them but maybe in time you could

    From what you have said you sound great together so don't end what could be the best thing that has ever happened to you because of scars

    1431011154
    WillC [sign in to see picture]
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    Tell her,if she`s `The One` they won`t bother her,if they do bother her,you have your answer.

    1431011547
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    I would say it is definitely worth pursuing. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

    Be as open and as honest as you feel comfortable with, and explain as best you can why you don't like to share how the scars came to be and that discretion about their being is really important to you.

    Sometimes we just have to take a leap of faith and put ourselves out there, sounds like you have good reason to do this if things have been going well with you both so far.

    I have no idea what your reasons are, but don't rule sharing more of yourself and your story one day, the right person might make you feel safe enough to do so, be brave enough to let it happen if that ever comes your way. It could lead to even better things.

    Good luck xx

    1431012248
    Shadow Collector [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you all so much. If it helps, some of them are self harm and some of them aren't. I no longer hurt myself, and am in a much better place now, but its still a desire.

    It took me a long time to accept that a woman like her would give me the time of day. I loathe myself, and I was convinced that it had to be some kind of a cruel joke. I'm sorry if that sounds attention seeky, it wasn't meant to.

    I am honoured that she is willing to be with me. But I'm just so scared. I've never told anyone about this stuff, and I can't afford people knowing.

    If she's right for me she wont care, but she might not be and she might spread the information around without realising the affect it would have. How do you look anyone in the eye when you know they know the word 'Worthless' is scarred in to your thigh?

    I trust her but I don't. Does that make sense?

    I'm sorry for wasting your time. I ony ask because I don't know what to do, I really don't, and it scares me. My apologies for interrupting your days, but I really do appreciate your input.

    1431012497
    Ink and Kink [sign in to see picture]
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    If it helps, I am covered in self harm scars. And people I have been with sexually have never really been bothered. They're only bothered if it was a recent one (im clean of cutting for about 2 months) it's hard but you have yo explain that there was a bad period in your life that got the better of you but you've landed on your feet.

    Stay strong, my lovely. X

    1431012570
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    No I think we all should thank you.

    What you have asked and told us takes a lot of guts so my hat goes off to you.

    If you don't think she is the right person then don't tell her until you decide that this relationship is worth building on .Anotherwords take it slowly and play on your terms .

    Good luck and take care !

    1431012574
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    The way you're feeling is totally normal in your situation, from my experience. It's scary stuff revealing your innermost secrets to somebody without knowing how they'll react, but they could surprise you and it could end up bringing you even closer together than you ever thought possible.

    I still get the urge to self harm a lot, I don't think that ever goes away. It can be daunting for your loved ones to deal with, but making them aware of it and having someone to talk to will really help you along the way.

    As for having the world 'hopeless' carved into yourself, it's not something that would bother me at all if I was your partner, so you never know :) I thought my partner would think I was mentally insane or disgusting when I revealed my scars to him, but actually he barely notices them, because he sees past all of that and loves me for who I am.

    Your scars are part of you, but they are not all of you. There's a lot more behind your skin and I'm sure that's why your lady loves you :)

    1431013163
    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    I see your predicament.
    I think an open honest frank conversation with her is in order, because one way or another you need to get this out of the way, whether it's for the better or worse of your relationship.
    Talk to her and tell her that getting naked is an issue because you used to self harm. You'll be able to tell from talking to her just how much it bothers her (or not) and then you make a judgement call on whether you want to do it now, or whether she's willing to wait a bit longer.
    If she really is in to you and sees the relationship as a long term thing then she'll understand that.

    Maybe a getting naked session rather than a let's have sex session is the best way to proceed. I think the thing you have to face up to now is that you're going to have to let her in to keep the relationship alive.

    Most people have scars, physical, mental, metaphorical, whatever, and I'm sure everything'll be rosy.

    1431013920
    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    Shadow Collector wrote:

    Thank you all so much. If it helps, some of them are self harm and some of them aren't. I no longer hurt myself, and am in a much better place now, but its still a desire.

    It took me a long time to accept that a woman like her would give me the time of day. I loathe myself, and I was convinced that it had to be some kind of a cruel joke. I'm sorry if that sounds attention seeky, it wasn't meant to.

    I am honoured that she is willing to be with me. But I'm just so scared. I've never told anyone about this stuff, and I can't afford people knowing.

    If she's right for me she wont care, but she might not be and she might spread the information around without realising the affect it would have. How do you look anyone in the eye when you know they know the word 'Worthless' is scarred in to your thigh?

    I trust her but I don't. Does that make sense?

    I'm sorry for wasting your time. I ony ask because I don't know what to do, I really don't, and it scares me. My apologies for interrupting your days, but I really do appreciate your input.

    Oh hun. I know your pain. I have a lot of scars from years of self harm, including the word 'fat' etched on my tummy. Letting a new partner near me was terrifying so I know the type of fear you're experiencing.

    Even if she doesn't know how to react or even if she can't accept that you used to do that to yourself, she would have to be a very horrible and gossipy person to spread it round to anyone. You know her personally, is she really like that? Honestly? Do you think she would be the type of person to spread hurtful things about other people, or is it purely your own fear that is making you wary of letting her in?

    You could have a chat with her, let her know that you have some scars that you're very self concious about and try to gauge her reaction before you show her. That way, if worst case scenario happens and she does have a negative reaction she won't know the extent of your scarring, just that it exists. She won't know about the 'worthless' and the worst she could tell people is that you used to self harm, still a scary thought if you don't want certain people to know but not as terrifying as having them know details like that. Also, the emphasis should be on that she can only say you USED to self harm. That says nothing about you as a person NOW other than that you overcame some very hard and very dark times.

    At the end of the day, it's in your past and you were strong enough to stop. That's such an achievment, and still dealing with urges doesn't detract from that it only adds to how strong you are that you continue to beat it. If anyone judges you because you used to self harm rather than commend the fact that you overcame it, frankly they're an idiot. You should be very proud, and those who love you should be too. You deserve to be happy, so no! Don't break off a relationship you're obviously happy in because of fear. If you're not ready for her to see, then tell her. But please don't push her away, don't deny yourself happiness!

    1431024260
    Shadow Collector [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you all so much for your advice. It's impossible to really convey emotion over text, but I was moved to tears by your support. It means the world to me that there are such wonderful people out there.

    You're all amazing :)

    1431029749
    Fun Louise [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi I understand your concerns honestly. I had a very rough childhood my father physically and mentally abused me, and I had a lot of issues(still have more than I would like to admit to).

    i have scares all down my thighs from self harm. Mine are round as I use to use a commas to make myself bleed rather than the conventional straight lines from a razor blade.

    When I met my now OH, I was worried what he would think but I didn't say anything to him. We had great sex and time passed, to this day he has never asked me about them. He knows about my past with my Father and has seen how scared my mother and I both were when we saw his car. (Just the car he wasn't even in it). So I guess he figures it's not something he wants to know about. He is very good at taking things with me slowly and he really isn't interested in my past.

    its very corny but he sees me for my inner beauty, notify fat and scared exterior.

    if your woman is as lovely as I hope she is then she will be like my OH accepting and not judgmental. If your worried I have an ice breaking suggestion. Why not take her out somewhere quiet, country park or secluded wood, and give her oral sex make her squeal. This way you have the control, but you are stepping up the sexual experience ladder. She might return the favour, and if she is concentrating on giving you head she will not be thinking of any scares she might see.

    if she is concerned or upset when she sees your scares just give a very brief explanation and tell her you don't want to talk about it.

    At the end of the day if she doesn't accept and treasure you just the way you are then she is not worth your love or attention.

    1431030999
    flaneur [sign in to see picture]
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    I've got plenty of scars, including huge ones on my head, I was attacked by someone with a hammer.

    As far as your relationship goes, I see 2 options. Firstly you make the most of what you've got before she finds out about the scars and then if everything ends at that point, you'll have at least made the most of the potential in the relationship. Secondly you nib it in the bud and tell her everything about the scars and she either won't be bothered and you can carry on your relationship without the issue or find out there and then that it wasn't ever going to work. I hope you take the second option.

    Even if scars aren't noticed by others you always know that they are there, I wish you all the best. If she's put off by the scars first off, it may even be the best thing that could have happened since failed relationships hurt more when the ties are closer.

    1431033960
    JM88 [sign in to see picture]
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    The way i see it is that a scar is a sign of healing and represents something that happened in the past. So long as you are in a better place now then the scars are just telling a story that everyone has but most people have hidden.

    i do agree though that its something you would be better off addressing before the situation arises, as even if shes not bothered she might be a bit shocked at first. Seeing something you didnt expect makes it harder to hide your shock than if you told her in a discussion.

    Definitely dont end it with her though! If you do then you could end up missing out on the best person in the world and they wouldnt have a clue why!

    1431037382
    Just Jenson [sign in to see picture]
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    100% worth pursuing. Of course she will want to know about them if she truly cares for you , not because she is being nosey, but because she wants to know about you. By shutting her out, you are drawing up borders around you and that is not fair to her or to both of you as a couple.

    If you say that you dont want to ttlak about it, then she has to respect that, but it wont take away her curiosity, Being able to let go of those inihibtions and barriers or comfort zones with a partner is one of the greatest things about a relationship.

    Lonliness is a huge price to pay for secrecy and definitely not worth it at all

    1431063872
    innocent-fun [sign in to see picture]
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    So much fab input from so many lovely people here.

    If you really like her and think this could be a good relationship, then I think you are going to have to talk to her. I would suggest discussing with her beforehand that you have some scars, for various reasons, but that you aren't ready to talk about that just yet. Her reaction will indicate the way forward.

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