• Shy Partner?

    1428884159
    pazza [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 7
    • Joined: 4 Apr 2010

    Hi all, just looking for a bit of advice really, I guess on both sex and relationships.

    I've been seeing a guy for a couple of months now, he's great and all the rest of it. We're temporarily long distance (but see each other every 2 or 3 weekends) and I'll be leaving the country for three months next months (before returning to his city).

    My problem is, when we're together he's super affectionate, we have lots of fun and lots to talk about and he talks about plans for us in the future that coincide with when I get back etc, however when I'm home we barely speak via text/phonecall and when we do it's very much 'how was your day?' type stuff or I feel like I'm keeping him from going about his business.

    The main issue though I suppose, is that we have never spoken about 'us', our past relationships or even sex!!! I find this very odd. At first it was very refreshing to not hear about exes and obsess over other women and not have anything to judge or feel insecure about... he was a complete blank canvas to me. However now, it's a genuine concern because I feel like if we take away the physical... we could be mistaken as just friends.

    On an emotional level I feel like I don't know him at all. I don't know when his last relationship was, how long it was for, how many serious girlfriends he's had, what his type is, if he wants kids, marriage, what he likes in a woman. I don't actually know how it's got this far without knowing all of that as I'm a talker and like to share and hear other peoples stories.

    Even with sex, we have never ever spoken about our sex life, it's like we have sex (which is good to be fair) but then it's never mentioned again. So in terms of what he likes, what I like, what we have or haven't / would or wouldn't be able to try... we haven't discussed!

    Reading it back it is very odd! I think because our situation is unconventional and we both know I'm going away we've both been holding back a little in terms of getting too close to eachother, so perhaps that's why this lack of communication has gone under my radar. It was only when I wondered to myself about how many women he's taken home to meet his parents and then felt awkward about thinking it that I realised there was a problem!

    He's also not really into dirty talk - the most he's ever said is 'do you like that' one time, which sucks as I like to really go for it but feel awkward doing so! So I'm wondering if he's just shy about all things sex/relationship related?

    So my question is, is that I'm aware I need to speak to him and communicate (and trust me I want to!) but how do I go about it? Do I make reference to the fact that we haven't disucussed these things which is usually part of the getting to know someone process, or just dive straight in with the questions?

    I don't want to seem like I'm prying, or all of a sudden jumping on him with the 'where is this going' conversation... because I also kind of want to say to him that as I'm travelling for a bit I don't want him to be waiting around for me (as nice as that' be, but I'm realistic). I also don't want him to think I have the attitude of 'other guys would have spoke about this' or kind of point fingers or blame..?

    Any help is much appreciated, I'll be seing him this weekend and hoping to have this conversation then.

    Thanks all x

    1428910528
    innocent-fun [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 279
    • Joined: 18 Feb 2015

    I maybe wouldn't approach this just yet, not until you're back. It might seem strange when you want to get to know more about him just before you leave. Can you keep in touch while you're away? I would say talk gradually about things. Also maybe suggest sexting or phone sex while you're away, and suggest new stuff gradually as well.

    1428914942
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5935
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    If it was me I know I am a guy and not a women. Why not talk about his past exces . You can often find something out and perhaps try it out yourself . My wife oftten bought the subject up in our early days so she could find out what I really liked and what I don't lke She didn't feel insecure as what happens in the past stays in the past but it was a good way ofher opening me up for talking as I was quite shy in those days. it may just work with him giving him more confidence and open upto you a bit more which I think is all that is needed to get things rolling.

    Good luck :)

    1428922921
    pazza [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 7
    • Joined: 4 Apr 2010

    Mysteron I want to talk it's just he makes the atmosphere between us very awkward to talk about things like that so I don't know how to actual begin...

    Innocent-fun, I guess I want to before I go away because he is talking about moving apartments and booking all these things for when I get back... so it's like we've skipped the getting to know eachother point and gone from friends, to sleeping together straight to commited relationship, no pillow talk or discussion of our romantic pasts whatsoever which is freaking me out a little

    1428924407
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5935
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014


    Organise a dinner date . This will get you around a dinner table. It doesn't necessarilly need to be a restaraunt or Pub but perhaps at your place . Scented candles, his favourite drink and favourite meal. It can't go wrong. Lets be honest you girls are better at organising these types of things than us guys ;).Served up by yourself in a sexy dress or outfit ( bit don't over do it ).

    He may start talking on how well you have organised it or how you look , or how well his favourite meal is. This will give you plenty of avenues to get talking . Then into the conversation try and bring up his likes or dislikes. Ask him were he likes to be kissed etc. Believe me nearly every guy will have his spot and try and build up from there.

    The key thing here is for communication to develop between you . A good tip is to avoid any questions that can answered with yes or no. Use words like What ,When and How at the beginning of your questions .

    Good luck

    1428927916
    Morphalubrius [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 90
    • Joined: 2 Apr 2015

    I don't think it's fair to expect an OH to talk about past relationships.

    Let me outline why.

    If I'm with someone, I consider that relationship to be a commitment of trust, and I certainly don't want to think that if it ended, that trust would be broken because my ex would start spilling various intimate details about our history to her next boyfriend. Likewise, I would never spill such details to a new partner, because (a) she has no right to ask, and (b) I have no right to expose such information about my ex and our prior relationship without my ex's knowledge.

    Fortunately, so far I have never been with a woman (not that I've been with many!) who was even remotely interested in my past relationships or in talking about hers.

    I know that the argument is along the lines that 'If you're with someone you should share everything', and that's fine when it comes to sharing everything about myself, but not about a third party who has no say in it.

    I mean no disrespect to the OP in saying this, but to be brutally honest I would think less of any potential partner who wanted to know about my past relationships. In fact it would be a deal breaker and I would be very worried about her motivations for wanting to know, just as if she wanted to talk about her own exes I would probably presume that she was hung up on them or in some way comparing me to them.

    No doubt lots of people will hate me for that, but I just think it's not always healthy to think of the past and far more positive to concentrate on the present and future - not just in relationships but in life generally.

    As for feeling cut off, shall we say, on texts and over the phone - I wonder if it's just that he has a preference for face-to-face contact? A lot of people are terrible with texts and phone calls (myself included, I despise talking on the phone) so it could be nothing to worry about :)

    1428928864
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5935
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

     No one will hate you for for your opinion . We are all different.

    In my case I can understand why my wife in the early days wanted to know more about my past. She knew that I had been in very long and one could argue successful relationships that for one reason or another in the end didn't work out. She wanted to find out how they treated me so she do do some of the same and what things I didn't like so she could avoid them . It really was a learning curve for her if you like an instructional manual about me . She really just wanted be better than the others and I don't see anything wrong in that but that is just my opinion .This person in the end is the lady I married and want to spend the rest of my life with and we are actually celebrating our 19th Wedding Anniversery today. So in our case it worked:)

    1428930007
    Morphalubrius [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Captain
    • Posts: 90
    • Joined: 2 Apr 2015

    I agree with you about dating, Black Magic.

    Dating is such a magical, wonderful thing - letting something grow between two people, enjoying nothing more than one another's company and conversation at the start.

    1428930634
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5935
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    I agree thats why the OP needs to get talking. The relationships already 2 months old and I get the impression it hasn't really started yet in the true sense of the word relationship. It needs to be start being built but appears to be stalling a little . I think the physical side of things eg sex needs to be put on hold a little until communication has started.

    1428935816
    sassykitten;) [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1549
    • Joined: 28 May 2014

    Right here goes.... im female in a almost year long relationship that's been very different to my others

    1. We didnt go on any fancy dates

    2. We didnt meet every1s friends n family at first.

    3. We didnt talk sex, past relationships (til few months ago)

    We just chilled out n chatted complete rubbish n enjoyed each others company, complete slate clean can work. I dont want to dewell on thoses horrible cheating relationships n let them effect my new one.

    We've had a little hiccup but over all we git through it n continue to focus on new experiences n adventure. So over all I think its maked it better n we're making our own choices and memories without interference :)

    1428950087
    innocent-fun [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 279
    • Joined: 18 Feb 2015

    Morphalubrius wrote:

    I don't think it's fair to expect an OH to talk about past relationships.

    Let me outline why.

    If I'm with someone, I consider that relationship to be a commitment of trust, and I certainly don't want to think that if it ended, that trust would be broken because my ex would start spilling various intimate details about our history to her next boyfriend. Likewise, I would never spill such details to a new partner, because (a) she has no right to ask, and (b) I have no right to expose such information about my ex and our prior relationship without my ex's knowledge.

    Fortunately, so far I have never been with a woman (not that I've been with many!) who was even remotely interested in my past relationships or in talking about hers.

    I know that the argument is along the lines that 'If you're with someone you should share everything', and that's fine when it comes to sharing everything about myself, but not about a third party who has no say in it.

    I mean no disrespect to the OP in saying this, but to be brutally honest I would think less of any potential partner who wanted to know about my past relationships. In fact it would be a deal breaker and I would be very worried about her motivations for wanting to know, just as if she wanted to talk about her own exes I would probably presume that she was hung up on them or in some way comparing me to them.

    No doubt lots of people will hate me for that, but I just think it's not always healthy to think of the past and far more positive to concentrate on the present and future - not just in relationships but in life generally.

    As for feeling cut off, shall we say, on texts and over the phone - I wonder if it's just that he has a preference for face-to-face contact? A lot of people are terrible with texts and phone calls (myself included, I despise talking on the phone) so it could be nothing to worry about :)

    I don't hate you for your opinion, each and every one of us is entitled to our opinion. And different things work for different people.

    I do disagree with you, I think it is important to know about a partners past relationships, not every one they've been with but ones that have left their mark. In this situation the relationship tends to have an effect on the person you're dating. It's not about knowing about their ex, more the relationship. I wouldn't expect it to be frequent, in depth conversations reminiscing, or to be discussed at the start of a new relationship, but if things look like they could be getting more serious then I think it important to open up about some things.

    1428974405
    pazza [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Officer Cadet
    • Posts: 7
    • Joined: 4 Apr 2010

    Hi all, thanks for the input!

    I agree with you all regarding the magic of dating, but things don't always pan out how we expect. I once was talking to a guy for around three months on the phone before we even went on our first date, I fell head over heels for his intellect, his wordmanship and our eletric chemistry. Eventually it ended after around 5 months though as he just turned out not to be a nice person.

    The current man, we have mutual friends so it wasn't as raw as strangers then straight to the bedroom. And in all honesty with us living so far apart I never initially looked at it as something with potential.

    I don't want to know all the gory details of what positions he used to do and how many partners, but I do think it's important to know some things. I think the number of serious girlfriends or how many times he has been in love.. those sorts of things are quite important, they help you get to know each other a little better but also hint towards your compatibility, if you're on the same page, where he's at in terms of commitment (or lack thereof etc.)

    I would have no problems discussing my previous relationships if he asked. It wouldn't be gory, intimate details but talk of my experiences, what I learnt from it, how it's moulded me, then sure, why not?

    The dinner setting sounds ideal, or at least somewhere where the focus isn't on sex. Don't get me wrong we do talk a bout likes and dislikes... but it's always superficial i.e. food, tv shows etc. To ask where he likes to be kissed is actually a big deal. Once or twice I sent him a naughty text (I probably did go a bit OTT but that's what I'm in to and so was the last guy so it's a habbit) and he just ignored the message...

    I guess I'm just concerned about the awkwardness of it all! Do I use my going away as an excuse for why I'm asking these things? Or just start asking? (but as it'd be out of the blue I don't want to alarm him!)

    1429002203
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5935
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Well you could use the dinnerdate as a going away present as such .

    TBH if discussing kissing is going to be a big deal then clearly you have problems here. Kissing at end of the day is so tame and is included in some of the basic etiquette. For example if a guy meets a woman normally a kiss on both cheeks is a sign of a welcome in the very same mode guys shake hands. I know its not always used these days in the modern world but the message I am trying to get accross here is the kissing is the very basics.

    I have to be brutally honest here if he still keeps dodging the issue all the time then maybe it will be better for you to end it and move on because I cannot see any basis of a relationship happening here as things stand . All that is going to happen is for you to feel more unhappy the longer this goes on unless of course you can get him to open up .

    Communication is the cornerstone of all relationships . If you havn't got communication then you havn't got a relationship .

    1429007302
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5935
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    I think I will have a last stab at this one before I waive the white flag.

    Do the dinnerdate as I originally stated .

    After the dinnerdate with drinks and perhaps a dimmed lighting , watch a steamy ( not porn) movie together and perhaps cuddle up . 3 favourites of mine and all have Mickey Rourke as one of the main characters .

    Nine and a Half Weeks

    Wild Orchid

    Angel Heart.

    Angel Heart is perhaps more of a blokey movie but is probsbly harder to obtain curently than the other 2 .

    During the film you could suggest "Would you like me to kiss you like that? " or " How would you feel if I kissed you like that?" and then guage his reaction, just in case you need to go down a notch .You may want to wait until the end and then talk about the movie but keep using open questions. But really you both need to get talking about things apart from the "weather"

    If you can't start talking about say the basics of kissing whilst watching one of these movies then I really would throw the towel in .But really I hope it doesn't come to that .

    Good luck

    1429010109
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 5935
    • Joined: 7 Jan 2014

    Another thing that as just darned on me. Is he shy because he is scared of you ?

    Let me explain.

    This is my only skeleton in the closet and I have discussed it with my OH . When I was in my early 20s I fell head over heals for a girl and I now wish I hadn't . Don't get me wrong she was a fantastic looking gir;l in fact she was a model and appeared in some 80s pop and rock videos , I won't name the group she appeared with as I don't want my past dragging up .

    The fact that she was a model already applied pressure on me. Going out for example you always new there were about half a dozen guys eyeing her up and didn't she know it. We were also a mis match as regards experiience. I was still a virgin at the time whilst she was into exhibitionism and enjoyed sex outdoors as I slowly found out. To complicate things more I found out she was a Bi as well . So I was already trying to compete with another female for her attention . I really felt intimidated and scared and felt I had to end it .

    Of course my mates thought I was mad giving up such a trophy girl but not for me I felt much better.

    So I don't know if this could be a similar problem with your OH but its something you need to talk about and put right if it is.

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.