• How important is sex?

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    Morphalubrius [sign in to see picture]
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    I would like to think that one day I will have the opportunity to make love (as a specific concept, and as opposed to having sex) - but at the same time, I would only be mildly disappointed if it never happened.

    I find sex to be a strange concept really. Unless I wanted to have a child, what purpose would it really serve? There are other things that turn me on way more than sex - perhaps I'm lousy at it, or perhaps my partners thus far have been lousy at it, I don't know - and quite honestly sex without love generally leaves me with a bad feeling afterwards. Or if not love, then at the very least there needs to be passion. I need to see the look in her eyes as she looks into mine, and see the emotion behind them, and know that at that moment it doesn't matter what happens around us - all that matters is what happens between us.

    Very often I suspect that I'm probably asking far too much! But then again, without that spark to ignite us, sex is literally nothing to me and so I'd rather not have it at all than have it if it's bad.

    I live in hope that if I'm ever able to make love, it will change my perceptions entirely.

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    innocent-fun [sign in to see picture]
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    You're right, sex without love is pointless, other than to procreate.

    Sex in a truly loving relationship is amazing, I have had sex before thinking I was in love, but never really experienced it properly until it was with my now husband (sounds very corny, I know). It's not just lust and sexual desire, though obviously that plays some part in it, but it deepens and reaffirms that attraction and connection between you both.

    Some people enjoy sex with various different people or multiple people etc, and of course that's fine too, that's the beauty of individuality. But that life wouldn't satisfy me.

    Perhaps you will meet that person to make love to :)

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    [suspended user]

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    Sex is important. For us anyway. And me particularly. Without it as a husband and wife our life together deteriorates within a couple of weeks to the metaphoric 2 ships passing in the night. No connection. Just doing the house jobs and sorting the kids out. And when this happens, I particularly cannot handle it. Like I mentally lose it. My wife if different, focuses on the kids and house, but I cannot deal with it. Emotionally, I need that connection or I think 'what's the point'. Hate it. And then spend a lot of energy bringing my wife back from that point. The flip side is when we do have that strong healthy sex life it's the best, most for-filling time we can have together. It's a difficult balance though. Too much sex sex sex and it seems to lose it's Impact, then it goes by the way side, to the point where it stops and then becomes a huge issue again. So it ebbs and flows. But no doubt, throughout the years our marriage has been its strongest when our sex life has been at its most horniest.

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    It's funny you posted this thread, because honestly I was horrified reading some of the posts on that sexless marriage thing but didn't really want to comment on it for fear of offending someone :p

    Sex is important, and I think it does help keep a relationship healthy and so on, but it would never be important enough for me to leave someone or consider having an affair etc. I have a very high sex drive and love the intimacy sex brings, so of course I would miss it, but in my personal opinion it's the person you fall in love with and not their genitals. That's not to say it wouldn't be frustrating though!

    I don't think either party has an obligation to have sex if they don't want to. Some people seem to hold the view that if you're married to someone then they owe you sex from time to time, but I think you're treating your partner like property if you really think that. I guess it's just a touchy subject for me because I struggle with a chronically painful condition, so there have been long periods of time when I haven't been able to have sex. It hurts me to think that somebody would not want to be in a relationship because of that, because I feel that there is so much more to me as a person and to a relationship than sex.

    Sex is wonderful and glorious and enhances my relationship, I feel so close to my partner when we make love. But if he suddenly couldn't, or didn't want to have sex anymore, it wouldn't make me love him any less because he's got such a rich and full personality, that wouldn't disappear with the sex.

    Just my personal opinion, don't mean to offend anyone :)

    1428530830
    innocent-fun [sign in to see picture]
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    Boogaloo wrote:

    It's funny you posted this thread, because honestly I was horrified reading some of the posts on that sexless marriage thing but didn't really want to comment on it for fear of offending someone :p

    Sex is important, and I think it does help keep a relationship healthy and so on, but it would never be important enough for me to leave someone or consider having an affair etc. I have a very high sex drive and love the intimacy sex brings, so of course I would miss it, but in my personal opinion it's the person you fall in love with and not their genitals. That's not to say it wouldn't be frustrating though!

    I don't think either party has an obligation to have sex if they don't want to. Some people seem to hold the view that if you're married to someone then they owe you sex from time to time, but I think you're treating your partner like property if you really think that. I guess it's just a touchy subject for me because I struggle with a chronically painful condition, so there have been long periods of time when I haven't been able to have sex. It hurts me to think that somebody would not want to be in a relationship because of that, because I feel that there is so much more to me as a person and to a relationship than sex.

    Sex is wonderful and glorious and enhances my relationship, I feel so close to my partner when we make love. But if he suddenly couldn't, or didn't want to have sex anymore, it wouldn't make me love him any less because he's got such a rich and full personality, that wouldn't disappear with the sex.

    Just my personal opinion, don't mean to offend anyone :)

    :) I share your opinion entirely, and am a little relieved that someone else sees it similar to me, especially your last paragraph. I would never say never because I don't know what the future holds but I would like to think I wouldn't walk away from my husband if the physical side stopped.

    1428533602
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    It is really important to me but it's not everything. Honestly, my boyfriend isn't my best lover. We have really great sex sometimes and average sex other times. He goes away a lot so sometimes months will pass with no sex. But everything else about the relationship is so great.

    I'd rather it was that way than have a guy who was amazing in bed but an absolute asshole!

    1428533602
    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    It is really important to me but it's not everything. Honestly, my boyfriend isn't my best lover. We have really great sex sometimes and average sex other times. He goes away a lot so sometimes months will pass with no sex. But everything else about the relationship is so great.

    I'd rather it was that way than have a guy who was amazing in bed but an absolute asshole!

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    kinkyman [sign in to see picture]
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    VERY !!

    1428537096
    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    innocent-fun wrote:

    :) I share your opinion entirely, and am a little relieved that someone else sees it similar to me, especially your last paragraph. I would never say never because I don't know what the future holds but I would like to think I wouldn't walk away from my husband if the physical side stopped.

    Hurrah! I'm not alone either! Was starting to think I was the only one ha!

    Yeah I suppose my partner has had to struggle through dry spells due to my illness before, but I've never had to deal with him not wanting sex. With him it was never an issue, he's always been very gracious about it and let me know that I'm the most important thing in his life, and sex is just an added bonus that strengthens our relationship, but doesn't define it. I would like to think (and I'm pretty damn certain) that I would pay him the same courtesy, because as I said he's my best friend and I love everything about him, I can't see sex ever being a deal breaker.

    I'd rather have him and never have sex again, than have sex with someone else. Although luckily I'm getting better at coping with my pain, so our sex life has taken off again!

    1428549398
    naughty mum [sign in to see picture]
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    With my relationships in the past, if I'm honest, have not been based around having a solid relationship with someone, but about sex...
    My ex was really quite pushy about sex, and sure in the start ..that's fine...but it got to the point where the sex wasn't for mutual benefit, but solely on what he got out of it.

    In the end my sex with my ex( who I was loyally monogamous with for 20 years solid) became sporadic..and then turned into pretty much a rape scenario. I had no say in the matter..so we had sex... End off. I sometimes wonder if the rows and abusive. Behaviour was all a build up so he go " make up sex"... As I invariably had to apologize to him ....even when he would have been 100% in the wrong.
    I was pretty sure he was shopping else where towards the end of our 20 yrs together, and he had the nerve to flaunt it with a house guest he invited to stay,who I caught with him intimately. That was the last nail in the coffin for my abusive relationship.

    Sex for him became a tool of control, and was in the end very loveless. I think that is why although I want great sex( after a just, all cylinders firing big time!) I want to have a relationship with someone that cares about me and shares interests and passions more than sex. A man that want to hold and caress you and cuddle up to, builds a closer bond than someone that holds you just for sex...
    They need to be in balance, but a relationship with no sex, but has a great loving bond is still worth it.hell... I still have lh if I get too desperate😝

    1428561890
    Aqualaria [sign in to see picture]
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    naughty mum wrote:

    With my relationships in the past, if I'm honest, have not been based around having a solid relationship with someone, but about sex...
    My ex was really quite pushy about sex, and sure in the start ..that's fine...but it got to the point where the sex wasn't for mutual benefit, but solely on what he got out of it.

    In the end my sex with my ex( who I was loyally monogamous with for 20 years solid) became sporadic..and then turned into pretty much a rape scenario. I had no say in the matter..so we had sex... End off. I sometimes wonder if the rows and abusive. Behaviour was all a build up so he go " make up sex"... As I invariably had to apologize to him ....even when he would have been 100% in the wrong.
    I was pretty sure he was shopping else where towards the end of our 20 yrs together, and he had the nerve to flaunt it with a house guest he invited to stay,who I caught with him intimately. That was the last nail in the coffin for my abusive relationship.

    Sex for him became a tool of control, and was in the end very loveless. I think that is why although I want great sex( after a just, all cylinders firing big time!) I want to have a relationship with someone that cares about me and shares interests and passions more than sex. A man that want to hold and caress you and cuddle up to, builds a closer bond than someone that holds you just for sex...
    They need to be in balance, but a relationship with no sex, but has a great loving bond is still worth it.hell... I still have lh if I get too desperate😝

    Firstly, to naughty mum, I am really pleased you got out of that. My partner was in an abusive relationship before me, and although it didn't reach the rape scenario, it was probably not far off. I also had a lucky escape from a potentially abusive partner, so my OH and I are so lucky to have found each other, roughly parallel sex drives, and happy to experiment, which has bought a large amount of new intimate behaviours into our lives (eg watersports).

    For us both, sex is very important, but intimacy is so much more important. I could go without sex, but no intimacy would be a big warning sign (unless there is obviously a cause of it). I can't imagine being without my OH now, and intimacy and sex are amazing.

    We went through a slow sex patch earlier in the year. We were down from our usual 4 or 5 times a week to once a week, but my OH was stressed, and that really didn't help with her "couldn't be arsed" factor. We talked one day about things she could do in those circumstances where she couldn't be arsed, and a few weeks later, that has worked.

    The thing is, we are both happier when we are getting loads of sex, we get filthier when we are getting loads of sex, and I get a lot more endurance when I am getting loads of sex (which is obviously great for her), so loads of sex is definitely good for our relationship.

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Aqualaria you're right about the intimacy thing - I'd be much more concerned if my relationship lost the intimacy than if it just lost the sex.

    I think intimacy is important for both people in the relationship to feel loved. Sex makes me feel loved, but so do hugs and kisses and holding my partners hand etc. If all of that didn't happen anymore, knowing what I'm like I would find it hard to keep believing I was loved, or at least loved on the same level as before, and that would probably affect my relationship a lot.

    Still not sure it would be a deal breaker, but would make the relationship a lot harder to stay in than just a sexless one.

    1428578122
    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Boogaloo wrote:

    It's funny you posted this thread, because honestly I was horrified reading some of the posts on that sexless marriage thing but didn't really want to comment on it for fear of offending someone :p

    Sex is important, and I think it does help keep a relationship healthy and so on, but it would never be important enough for me to leave someone or consider having an affair etc. I have a very high sex drive and love the intimacy sex brings, so of course I would miss it, but in my personal opinion it's the person you fall in love with and not their genitals. That's not to say it wouldn't be frustrating though!

    I don't think either party has an obligation to have sex if they don't want to. Some people seem to hold the view that if you're married to someone then they owe you sex from time to time, but I think you're treating your partner like property if you really think that. I guess it's just a touchy subject for me because I struggle with a chronically painful condition, so there have been long periods of time when I haven't been able to have sex. It hurts me to think that somebody would not want to be in a relationship because of that, because I feel that there is so much more to me as a person and to a relationship than sex.

    Sex is wonderful and glorious and enhances my relationship, I feel so close to my partner when we make love. But if he suddenly couldn't, or didn't want to have sex anymore, it wouldn't make me love him any less because he's got such a rich and full personality, that wouldn't disappear with the sex.

    Just my personal opinion, don't mean to offend anyone :)

    I also agree 100% . It is an element that give a couple the intimacy with each other and enhances and deepens the love for someone. Of course we arn't like randy rabbits either . We don't often have sex during the week but cuddles and perhaps a bit of heavy petting .. This is due to my wife's work schedule of which she gets up at 4.45am every weekday morning, not ideal I know..

    Its just unfortunate for me that my sex drive is very high this time of the year ( I don't know why either but it happens every year) so weekends can't come quick enough !My sex drive usually drops off a bit around June onwards and I suppose normalises .

    1428593499
    lustyjoy [sign in to see picture]
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    Complicated like anyone's together over 20yrs I had tried bdsm b4 meeting him but fell bad for him and laid it to rest for years n yeara... sex was always great but slighty uninspiring in first 10 yrs (the gift if hindsight). Then children and due to me it slowed right diwn until I felt the apron strings loosen when the youngest started school.. freedom was a transition and with it came my need to return to past experiences bdsm and slowly gradually introduced this to oh.... and after making me squirt five years ago he is also transformed but omg its totally right for us and often havung sex 4/5 times a week... would do more but he works nights.... to the extent he often bans me to have a breather..
    My sex drive is the highest its ever been.... theres always ups n downs with libido for everyone. .. if u cant verbally communicate with partner then write it down playing fantasy games it always adds new dimesions ....... everyone is different. If it works enjoy xxx

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    ash_b [sign in to see picture]
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    I think there are many elements in a succesful relationship, and people can be very happy with one another even if the level of physical intimacy varies between different couples.

    My personal opinion is that when you have that feeling of total intimacy with somebody, you can be yourself and feel free, and you're having great sex (and it's mutual) then it all combines to become something wondrous. I can't imagine it's a feeling that can be bettered by any other experience. However, if the physical sex is great, but psychologically the intimacy and trust is lacking, I would think it wouldn't feel right.

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    mr sp [sign in to see picture]
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    I dearly long to have sex again with a mutual partner as my OH has been unable to for some considerable time. We have a great relationship otherwise but i do miss that side of things ands its so frustrating.

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    paulsballs [sign in to see picture]
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    sex, love making, friendship,cuddles all have there place and are important but in a strong relationship loosing one should not be to devestating

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    VirginAngel [sign in to see picture]
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    As a virgin who has only ever had long distance relationships quite honestly i could live without sex. Long distance relationships you really need, i feel, to have a much more common interest relationship. Would i like the level of physical intimacy that comes with loving someone and having sex, yes, but i could very easily live sexlessly. I will however as a big fan of giving over recieving, always be willing to give blowjobs even if im not "in the mood" for sex, as long as he washes it first!

    1428610381
    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    I feel I would like some form of sexual contact pretty often, most days, really, but on each and every day I crave (and lack) a bit of emotional and physical intimacy; I guess my answer would be that sex is fairly important but intimacy is much more than sex. I think I can manage without ever having sex but the total lack of intimacy of any kind is something that is slowly killing me... I really hope I find a way to beat this, there have always been some people who simply never find any partner, after all...

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