• Sub or Dom?

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Bunual that information was really interesting and helpful, thank you so much for explaining that to me! It certainly sheds a new light on things and it's something to think about.

    Why is 'topping from the bottom' so frowned upon if you don't mind me asking? Is it just because it breaks the Dom/sub roles? And how would you go about ensuring that everything is consensual and within the boundaries of the sub (and Dom) without slipping into 'topping from the bottom', i.e. telling the Dom how hard to hit?

    So much to learn, I'm loving it though :)

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    bunual [sign in to see picture]
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    Boogaloo: as with any couple (or more) each will have their own dynamic so what works for one may not work for another. "Topping from the bottom" is normally faux pas because the bottom has agreed to surrender control to the top but is refusing to do so. This treads the fine line between being a "brat" and taking it too far. If neither has agreed to this or agreed the opposite then there isn't a problem. Frankly, if it works for you both then who cares what other people think about bedroom etiquette?

    For people who are in a relationship, not necessarily sexual, they will build up an understanding of what each other likes from outright "I like xyz" to, "I really enjoyed last night, especially xyz although not really abc". Basically, if you want the fun bits to happen again, let the other person know what they are, either through actual words or other sounds, increased groaning in pleasure for example.

    For people who don't know each other a discussion beforehand will establish what each wants to get from a session and what it acceptable and what is not. Try not to change it during the session because in the throws of the moment, they may change their mind and later regret it. You can always do that next time anyway if they still want to.

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    bunual wrote:

    Boogaloo: as with any couple (or more) each will have their own dynamic so what works for one may not work for another. "Topping from the bottom" is normally faux pas because the bottom has agreed to surrender control to the top but is refusing to do so. This treads the fine line between being a "brat" and taking it too far. If neither has agreed to this or agreed the opposite then there isn't a problem. Frankly, if it works for you both then who cares what other people think about bedroom etiquette?

    For people who are in a relationship, not necessarily sexual, they will build up an understanding of what each other likes from outright "I like xyz" to, "I really enjoyed last night, especially xyz although not really abc". Basically, if you want the fun bits to happen again, let the other person know what they are, either through actual words or other sounds, increased groaning in pleasure for example.

    For people who don't know each other a discussion beforehand will establish what each wants to get from a session and what it acceptable and what is not. Try not to change it during the session because in the throws of the moment, they may change their mind and later regret it. You can always do that next time anyway if they still want to.

    Thanks for explaining that to me, you've been really helpful

    So far we've been doing it like you said - discussing what we've done after one of our sessions, what we liked/didn't like, what was too much/not enough etc, rather than instructing eachother during (unless it's a safeword). It seems to be working well at the moment, as our safeword hasn't been used but we've both been getting the desired amount of pleasure/pain.

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    Lady Ness [sign in to see picture]
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    Topping from the bottom, like bunual said is treading a fine line between Dom/ sub. Generally when clients start topping from the bottom, I'll never session with them again. Suggestions for a session and even during, is allowed, but basically when a sub starts taking control either via snarky comments or even body movement so you are forced to do something their way, it's not true submission. It's not always bratty, as a professional, you get some people who say they are a sub before the session, but really their goal is to break the Domme.

    If someone starts topping from the I'd remind them where they truely stand, often first I'll just say 'I'm not into that / doing that.'. If they keep it up, I will often make my point cleaer, and often enforce it with something, from humilation or a crop. If they're pouting, I often know I've done a good job. If they're still playing up, they'd be told to leave. If they refuse to leave, I'll make them leave without their clothes and often a few crops to the face. Generally it doesn't get that far and often after a reminder, and maybe some joking around about their request and turning it into something we both are comfortable with, works, and we stay in our actual roles.

    before sessions, a client will give me a list of their dos and don'ts, and health conditions, as well as past experiences. After a session I'd generally offer a cool down convo, and how these play out work different from person to person.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Bunual has some very good and intersting points. In Role Playing there is a certain amount of topping from the bottom because of course you are playing other characters than yourselves . Surely the "offender" has the right to challenge the" Police Officers" motives if all they want to do is bash their booty for example than spening a night in the cells.Thats what I like about role playing is that it can be quite challenging to get the outcome you want. Cooperation doesn't always happen !:)

    In BDSM its quite different because of the Dom/Sub roles because normally you arn't playing different characters and the Sub notrmally obeys the Dom .There are exceptions as Brunual has suggested which is the Brat situation.

    This I believe this is a Sub that wants to make things challenging for the Dom. An easy example to quote is a spanking session whereby a Brat will struggle to get free in an OTK situation.The Dom will have to make special arrangements as regards positioning to restrain the Brat in order for the spanking to be carried out.

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    That's an interesting take on things, thank you for explaining it more to me :) I'm quite naiive as you can tell!

    Lady Ness that sounds like a difficult situation to be in, does that happen to you often?

    Makes me wonder what the point of someone being a sub is if all they want to do is boss around the Dom/me!

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Oh, and I've unexpectedly had an email to say my crop & flogger are arriving today, a day early

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    I suppose in the above Brat example is to make sure that they have been restrained properly. My OH is more into being tied up than me but she wants to be restrained properly without being able to wriggle out to get free. Hence the reason we use the Tracey Cox beginners bondage set with the Velcro fasteners .I am hopeless with knots and therfore we don't use rope  :)

    Not being an expert on BDSM but bondage can play a big part.

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    Lady Ness [sign in to see picture]
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    Boogaloo wrote:

    That's an interesting take on things, thank you for explaining it more to me :) I'm quite naiive as you can tell!

    Lady Ness that sounds like a difficult situation to be in, does that happen to you often?

    Makes me wonder what the point of someone being a sub is if all they want to do is boss around the Dom/me!

    oh they're not subs, they're often Doms who want to prove a point that they're more Dommly. For some people it seems like a hobby to seak out Dommes and do it to them. Luckily most professional Dommes screen their clients before sessions, and then there are also sites warning of bad clients too. So it doesn't happen often. I think it's only happen to me once or twice.

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    mysteron wrote:

    I suppose in the above Brat example is to make sure that they have been restrained properly. My OH is more into being tied up than me but she wants to be restrained properly without being able to wriggle out to get free. Hence the reason we use the Tracey Cox beginners bondage set with the Velcro fasteners .I am hopeless with knots and therfore we don't use rope :)

    Not being an expert on BDSM but bondage can play a big part.

    We just started using the Tracey Cox beginners bondage set too, it's so easy to use :) It's great because the tethers can be tied just about anywhere, and it doesn't require any special bondage knots. Only downside for us is that we don't have a 4 poster bed so we have to be creative about where/how we use it, until we can afford one of the mattress restraints.

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Lady Ness wrote:

    oh they're not subs, they're often Doms who want to prove a point that they're more Dommly. For some people it seems like a hobby to seak out Dommes and do it to them. Luckily most professional Dommes screen their clients before sessions, and then there are also sites warning of bad clients too. So it doesn't happen often. I think it's only happen to me once or twice.

    Cripes! That seems really disrespectful to me, like trying to knock the Dom/me down a notch. I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate it if someone did it to them!

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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     .With reference to the below, most beds are fitted with feet of some kind. Just fasten them to them,. This of course only needs doing once as you can hide them under the matress afterwards .

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Boogaloo wrote:

    mysteron wrote:

    I suppose in the above Brat example is to make sure that they have been restrained properly. My OH is more into being tied up than me but she wants to be restrained properly without being able to wriggle out to get free. Hence the reason we use the Tracey Cox beginners bondage set with the Velcro fasteners .I am hopeless with knots and therfore we don't use rope :)

    Not being an expert on BDSM but bondage can play a big part.

    We just started using the Tracey Cox beginners bondage set too, it's so easy to use :) It's great because the tethers can be tied just about anywhere, and it doesn't require any special bondage knots. Only downside for us is that we don't have a 4 poster bed so we have to be creative about where/how we use it, until we can afford one of the mattress restraints.

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    mysteron wrote:

    .With reference to the below, most beds are fitted with feet of some kind. Just fasten them to them,. This of course only needs doing once as you can hide them under the matress afterwards .

    Ah I see what you mean, that's a good idea but won't work at the moment as we have a solid divan base, it does have a headboard though for the arm restraints. We're moving house soon and looking to get a new (bigger) bed then, both my partner and I said we'd like to get a more BDSM friendly one or invest in a mattress restraint system

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    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
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    I am 100% submissive and also 24/7.

    A D/s relationship constantly evolves, tastes can change & boundaries can be pushed and explored. The most important thing is that you feel safe. Honest communication between the Dom and sub will help you both to understand boundaries, fears & desires. Know each other’s limits and always respect them.

    I sometimes feel very emotional when in a scene with Mr Scorpius, but not always in the more intense ones, sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by the freedom that I feel by having the D/s dynamic.

    There is so much to a D/s relationship. It’s the voluntary exchange of power that’s important to me – the quiet authority, wanting to please, giving myself to my partner. I can get so turned on just being told to ‘wait in a certain location’ for Mr Scorpius. I don’t know what’s about to happen and that building of anticipation that is as exciting as the physical or mental challenges that may follow.

    I always want to please Mr Scorpius and don’t like to fail at all. We do have certain ‘rules’ when we are in ‘scenes’ - like calling my him Sir after questions asked – presenting myself in certain ways, keeping quiet when asked to, being asked to hold something and not drop it while he teases and torments me etc.

    I am not a total masochist but I do like a certain level of pain with my pleasure – which is within my limits of course – lol. Sometimes I am asked to take a certain amount of spanks/strikes/time with a flogger or crop etc. and I love being challenged like that.

    For me personally, submission is a part of me that makes me feel grounded, balanced and safe :) xx

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    A new bed would cost you more but if you are moving anyway that sort of cost wouldn't matter too much.

    If your OH is OK with DIY you could modify your existing bed quite easily. Strong hooks or loop type handles could be attached to inside the draws from which the tethers could be tied. The tethers could be kept in the drawers afterwards so as not to be on show.

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    Scorpius also makes some vety good points and another insight into the Doma and Sub relationship.

    I think the whole umbrella that covers the whole spectrum of BDSM is so flexible that one can choose at what level they are happy with.Again for us we just like playing at it in certain situations :)

    The problem with BDSM, IMO has been the public persona and stigma that it has in the public domain. This is often done without fully understanding what it is all about. I think this is beginning to soften a little with the help of best selling novesl like 50 Shades of Grey and of course the movie.

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    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    Scorpius that sounds like a really exciting dynamic you've got going on with your OH That's what excites me about being a sub, we only do it in the bedroom but I love not knowing what's going to happen next, and relinquishing all control to my partner. It kind of takes our trust to the next level and makes us feel closer to one another.

    Mysteron I know what you mean about public persona. When my partner and I first started discussing BDSM a few months ago he was under the impression it meant women keeping men as pets on leads, and making them lick the floor and do all sorts of degrading tasks haha! I explained to him that in some cases, yes that does happen, but BDSM is much more than that. And women can get just as much enjoyment out of being a sub. There's also different levels of BDSM, and when we discussed what limits we find appropriate he got really excited.

    FSOG perhaps makes BDSM more pubicly acceptable, but I'm not entirely sure it's a good representation of what actually happens. I've only read parts of it so can't form a whole opinion, but that's the general consensus I get from talking to the BDSM community. What do you think?

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    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    TBH the part in the film that concerned me and made me cringe was the final caning incident. To start off with you don't cane somebody like that unless you intend to cripple them and send them to hospital . Secondly the fact that he was beginning to lose it and take it out on her backside is totally wrong and not good represenation of Dom behaviour as I understand it .Thirdly after the first blow she should have used her safe word to stop the process .

    In my opinion the above incident hasn't helped to make BDSM more acceptable .

    I havn't read the books but my Mrs enjoys them and as a result she enjoys being restarined. The spanking side of things she was already into light spanking before she read the books.

    Overall I think the books have helped and I think companies like AS and Lovehoney would also agree as BDSM stuff and toys in general have sold well since the books were published.

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