• Confused & desparate for answer!

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    LipBiter90 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi everyone,

    This is my first thread but I really need some advice. I've been with my man for 16 months now, at the start he was my life, I was with him constantly, we were very happy.

    Recently, I feel different, I feel he doesn't appreciate me or even notice me except when he wants sex. He doesn't like to socialise either and discourages me going out with my own friends, I have went out to nightclubs over the past 6 months with friends and had a blast but have been telling him I have been a home,staying at my sisters or my sister & niece have been over, I don't feel guilty about lying to him which is making me think am I ready to end it.

    The biggest thing is, I've kissed some guys when being out and have slept with one and still no guilt , I never wanted to cheat but with the guy I slept with it felt right.

    I don't know what to do and tell myself I should end it but part of me wants to stay even though I know I want to live a social life, my friends have commented that I'm different with him and seem unhappy. I see that I've crossed the line and done wrong by cheating but is this a phase or am I ready to leave him?

    1427656156
    Sarah_Bow [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi

    Sounds to me as you are only staying with your partner because of comfort. You know he's going to be there. You definitely need to come clean before he finds out and gets more hurt. You are obviously disinterested as you are craving others attention.

    Put it right and be free to what you want to do - go out with whom ever and do whatever . Get the excitement back in your life.

    Be truthful and chin up !! ( I know it will be hard but has to be done)

    1427656301
    innocent-fun [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi & welcome

    Sounds like you're ready to move on. The fact that you've cheated and are lying to him and have no guilt over it seems like the love you may have had for him is gone now.

    You don't seem to share interests (anymore), so maybe both of you are ready to move on.

    the fact that you're friends say that you are different and seem unhappy is a big tell-tale as well. You shouldn't be different for your partner and definitely shouldn't be unhappy.

    good luck whatever you decide.

    1427656377
    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    No it is not a phase, cheating is never a 'phase'. You have pretty much identified the reasons why you cheated in your post and I think you know yourself this relationship is over. Any part of you that wants to stay is more likely to be seeking the security involved with staying with him and not him himself.

    He makes you unhappy, you've strayed from commiting to the relationship. You don't feel guilty about betraying his trust, however little trust he seems to place in you (considering he tells you not to go out). It's time to move on before any further negativeity can form. You're only hurting everyone involved by staying with him at this point.

    1427657902
    Just Jenson [sign in to see picture]
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    DO yourself and him a massive favour and move on.

    Youre only going to hurt him if he finds out the wrong way, and continue to live a lie to yourself and him if you stay as you are.

    Cheating and lying never did anyone any favours.

    1427659529
    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Just Jenson wrote:

    DO yourself and him a massive favour and move on.

    Youre only going to hurt him if he finds out the wrong way, and continue to live a lie to yourself and him if you stay as you are.

    Cheating and lying never did anyone any favours.

    +1

    1427661651

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
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    Just Jenson wrote:

    DO yourself and him a massive favour and move on.

    Youre only going to hurt him if he finds out the wrong way, and continue to live a lie to yourself and him if you stay as you are.

    Cheating and lying never did anyone any favours.

    100% agree.
    1427661974
    sassykitten;) [sign in to see picture]
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    Lollipop ;) wrote:

    Just Jenson wrote:

    DO yourself and him a massive favour and move on.

    Youre only going to hurt him if he finds out the wrong way, and continue to live a lie to yourself and him if you stay as you are.

    Cheating and lying never did anyone any favours.

    100% agree.

    Bluntly honest but hundred percent right, if you have no intention of telling him where your going or what youve done then your not in the right relationship n your gunna end up hurting him

    1427662313
    Never know [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi, welcome to the forums.

    Im sorry but nowhere in your post does it say you love him, you want to make it work, you are sorry for cheating etc. etc. so you've pretty much not given yourself any reason to stay with him.

    He sounds as though he is very controlling which is concerning and he's generally not making you very happy if even your friends have commented on your mood.

    I'm of the opinion that there's no point in being in a relationship if it's making you unhappy. Get out and move on then.

    1427665114
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
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    I'll second every word said here.

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    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    Maybe he did not want you going out because deep down he was worried you may cheat, now you may well have prooved he was right to be worried, lets face who really wants there girlfriend/wife going out clubing it knowing full well they will be hit on by guys trying there luck, I have nothing against my wife socialising with freinds etc, but if she wanted to go clubbing it every weekend i would not be that cumfy, are you sure it is not you that wants to carry on the single life why having the security of a relationship, sounds like you need to decide what you want, settle down or carry on the single life of going night clubs and pulling guys.

    A few have commented that he sounds controling, is that the case or was he just not cumfy with you going clubbing.

    Also it is unfair if you are risking his sexual health.

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    Kimberleyking [sign in to see picture]
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    I think maybe you are just more comfortable now and he doesnt feel like he needs to impress you as such because he already has you try making time to talk together or watch a film ect to express your veiws about how you have been feeling

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    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    I think it is to late for sitting down and talking to him, truth now be known he was right not to trust you, he probably tried to make it work at first hoping you may settle down a little, when you still wanted to go clubing he no doubt thought he was at risk of losing you anyway, hence backing of slightly and strugling to show you full afection.

    A Sarah bow said above " put it right and be free, go out with who ever and do whatever"

    Do not get in a relationship till you have given up the single lifestyle, that way nobody needs to get hurt.

    1427669952
    LipBiter90 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you for your comments.

    I've only started going out clubbing (6 months ago) as I wanted to be with my friends as they had commented I never go out with them, he's been annoyed when I've went out for drinks with a close friend before and asked me to choose between him & my friends.

    When I try speaking to him, it's mostly my fault as I have more friends than him and that I want to keep them as my friends. He's made it clear he wants nothing to do with my social circle to the point he doesn't like me texting friends when at his, right up until 6 months ago I was devoted to him, he was the only person I went out with/spoke to/spent my time with and now that I want to see my friends I feel like I'm being punished for it.

    I'd do anything for him but since he made me choose between him & friends I feel torn and no longer feel the same, he's only affectioante when he wants sex, I can be right next to him and I feel like he's a stranger.

    I don't go out with the intention to pull or have sex, I want to go out, have a few drinks with my friends and have a laugh innocently, what happened happened due to the way I'm feeling, I was shown more affection in one night that he has shown me in a while (still no excuse) but I just clicked with this person that night. I'm not a party person, but I want to know I'm not going to be given into trouble because I value my friendships, I tell him everything I do, where I go, what I buy but lying to him I feel nothing either.

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    Just Jenson [sign in to see picture]
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    Looks like, for a number of reasons, neither of you are suited to each other - which will only lead to a life of unhappiness.

    My advice, again based on the information you have given, would be to end it and move on.

    1427670625
    AT1 [sign in to see picture]
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    It sounds to me like your relationship has run it's course, he's not showing you enough affection, he sounds controlling and has tried to make you choose, and you've now started going out , flirting with some guys and now shagged one of them. Not meaning to sound blunt, but end it! You seem to be very keen on the idea of making it work as you said you were devoted to him, but by your actions it seems you no longer are.

    For me you have 2 options:
    #1 End the relationship, it's not working for you
    #2 Tell him everything, focus on your feeling but inclduing your infidelty and take it from there based on his reaction.

    As unhappy as you are with him, you can't really blame your decision to f**k someone else on him, you have to shoulder that responsibility yourself. It's not irrecoverable but I think complete and total honesty is needed, after you tell him how you feel, if he doesn't want to change then you are better off without him anyway. Take the difficult steps now and it will lead to either a better relationship or an end to this one and new beginnings, the only bad choice is to carry on living the lie.

    Hope things work out for you (both)

    AT

    1427673473
    Never know [sign in to see picture]
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    No way would I allow my OH to tell me to pick between him and my friends. How dare he. Bet he wouldn't be happy if it was the other way round and he was being told to pick!

    If im honest, you sound a lot like a friend of mine who has been in a similar relationship for nearly 6 years. She has after a lot of help and strength left him and it's the best thing she has done for herself. It's tough initially but she has seen its for the best. I'm sure if she could give someone in the same position she found herself in she would say get out and move on sooner rather than later.

    1427674571
    MissxS [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi and welcome to the forums :)

    I'd say you've already made your mind up but haven't quite admitted it to yourself just yet, possibly because it can be comforting just to be with someone.

    You've said that he only shows you affection when he wants sex and he's controlling when it comes to your friends and social life. Is this because he is controlling or is he insecure about you leaving him to be with your friends? You've lied and cheated on him already, does he have his suspisions and is that the reason for him behaving in such a way?

    You could try talking to him about how you're both feeling in this relationship. If he doesn't want to then I'd leave him...harsh but I would. If he won't communicate now then when will he ever? It won't be healthy for either of you. A relationship requires honesty and trust and it sounds as if neither are present.

    1427674821
    AT1 [sign in to see picture]
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    Never know wrote:

    No way would I allow my OH to tell me to pick between him and my friends. How dare he. Bet he wouldn't be happy if it was the other way round and he was being told to pick!

    If im honest, you sound a lot like a friend of mine who has been in a similar relationship for nearly 6 years. She has after a lot of help and strength left him and it's the best thing she has done for herself. It's tough initially but she has seen its for the best. I'm sure if she could give someone in the same position she found herself in she would say get out and move on sooner rather than later.

    I agree with your sentiement regarding forcing to pick, but the how dare he when she f**ced someone else, c'mon lets have some balance here, two issues are being conflated. Should one partner control who the other can see? I think most people would say no, is shagging someone else as a retaliatory reponse acceptable, I would also say no. They need to act like grown-ups and sort it out.

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    Never know [sign in to see picture]
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    AT1 wrote:

    Never know wrote:

    No way would I allow my OH to tell me to pick between him and my friends. How dare he. Bet he wouldn't be happy if it was the other way round and he was being told to pick!

    If im honest, you sound a lot like a friend of mine who has been in a similar relationship for nearly 6 years. She has after a lot of help and strength left him and it's the best thing she has done for herself. It's tough initially but she has seen its for the best. I'm sure if she could give someone in the same position she found herself in she would say get out and move on sooner rather than later.

    I agree with your sentiement regarding forcing to pick, but the how dare he when she f**ced someone else, c'mon lets have some balance here, two issues are being conflated. Should one partner control who the other can see? I think most people would say no, is shagging someone else as a retaliatory reponse acceptable, I would also say no. They need to act like grown-ups and sort it out.

    I felt it was best I didn't even get started on her cheating. It's probably for the best because it's one thing I hate most and would never do. So I didn't want to offend with what I would say so I kept my mouth shut.

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