• When is a cheat not a cheat?

    powys [sign in to see picture]
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    If you found out a few months into your relationship that your partner had a history of cheating on there previous partner, would it affect your relationship and how you feel about them?, Lets say for example they were with there previous partner for several years and they had cheated at least twice. Would you say past is past, or would it change how you now feel about your partner now knowing what they did.

    Would you rather know the truth that that your partner had cheated on an ex partner or would you rather you never found out?. Is it better to know the truth?

    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    I think I would rather know but at the same time I'm a bit of a 'what's in the past - stay's in the past' kind of person. I would rather them be honest and tell me than have me find out. But would anyone tell a current partner something like that unless maybe they were asked ? If it was a question I asked I would expect an honest answer but I dont think I would allow it to have an impact on my current relationship.

    Sorry if that's a bit muddled but I hope you get my drift. . . . .

    innocent-fun [sign in to see picture]
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    It's always better to know the truth.

    i think circumstances need to be considered. It depends on the extent of the cheating, the previous relationship itself etc. My oh cheated whilst in a previous relationship,as have I, we both knew this from early on in our relationship. I cheated while I was just starting a relationship, it was still early days and a bit casual, it was a one-off and I regretted it because the relationship went on to last longer than anticipated and I ended up confessing to it and it destroyed that relationship. My oh was in a pretty serious relationship, but they weren't happy, it was also a meaningless one-off, which he also regretted, wishes he had just finished his relationship instead of cheating. We trust each other, and I can't envisage any of us cheating, although of course never know what the future might bring. But our slip ups in a previous relationship haven't effected our trust in this one, which is more important.

    SR36 [sign in to see picture]
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    I think that what happened in past relationships is between the people that conducted them, even if one happens to be your OH now. Cicumstances and people do change. I've cheated on several partners before, primarily because I wasn't happy. Now I find myself in a strange situation with someone I haven't seen for a long time, yet despite the difficulty and long period without seeing each other, I haven't cheated on him, despite having numerous chances. I just don't think anyone else is worth risking it.

    I guess my point is that I think if people are happy then they don't cheat, no matter what they've done in the past. And is it really your business to know everything your OH did in past relationships? Do you really want to know anyway? Be careful what you wish for!


    [suspended user]

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    I think it depends on the circumstances,
    My partner cheated once on one of his ex girlfriends because she was physically abusing him it was also a sexless relationship.

    Not that I'm saying what my partner did was okay but had it of been a normal relationship I know he wouldn't of did it.

    Sarahgee [sign in to see picture]
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    Definately depends on circumstances. Speaking as somebody who has cheated on a previous partner, people can change! I cheated on my ex a few times. Not proud of it in the slightest. However I would say I wasn't happy and tried to end the relationship several times but he wouldn't let me leave, there was always some way to manipulate me into staying. Eventually i just wanted to get caught so he would hate me and throw me out.

    Even with that history, i have never cheated on my hubby x

    LibraLover [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't think it should change how you feel. I definitely think the past is the past and you can never really know (and shouldn't know in my opinion) what happened in a previous relationship because you weren't part of it. I would be happy for a partner not to tell me if they had cheated in a previous relationship, but if I asked I would expect them to tell the truth.

    paper_doll [sign in to see picture]
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    I think it depends really. My ex cheated on his ex then he cheated on me, and I herd he cheated on the last girl he was with leopard never changes its spots! So it depends on why he did it.

    john69 [sign in to see picture]
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    When I met my wife I told her about my past, many years of cheating. I wanted to be totally honest to her instead of letting her find out later. I know she appreciated my honesty, but it also worried her. For some years she was jealous, and checking up what I was doing. But by time she has become more safe, she knows I wouldn't risk our relation for a stupid one night stand. Today we trust each other totally and I believe that it was the right thing to openly tell about the past.

    mysteron [sign in to see picture]
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    I think whats in the past should stay in the past. . By all means discuss it. In my younger days I had 3 girlfriends on the go at one stage but I am loyal. My present partner who I married nearly 20 years ago have been together since 1989.And yes I have discussed the past with my Mrs who found the situation quite funny especialy when one of them found out and I got kicked in the groin . Probably I deserved it at the time. :)

    pinkanimal [sign in to see picture]
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    I do think id like to know and I reckon knowing would probably mean Id find it harder to trust them.

    Sexkitten86 [sign in to see picture]
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    It's good to know the truth but I'd probably be far less trusting of them. For me if there is no trust then there is no relationship. I'd personally likely find someone else. My first relationship was with a cheater though and he had cheated on other ladies and went on to cheat on me several times. That's why I take a hard line now.

    dotdashdot [sign in to see picture]
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    I think the past is the past. Each relationship is different. People change, people grow. I cheated on my previous boyfriend. I was unhappy and much younger and I would hate to think of my current boyfriend mistrusting me because of that. I would never cheat on him.

    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    Past is the past but if you have an issue of hom cheating in previous relationships, this says more about YOU being insecure. No offense but maybe, just maybe he wasn't happy in past relationships? OK, so there is no excuse for cheating, being it emotional or physical but still, give the guy a chance, he wasn't with you then

    bxmbi [sign in to see picture]
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    I think people can change, but if the cheating was repeated and recent, I'd be careful. If it was once or twice or a long time ago, it really doesn't matter in my opinion! But it's all up to you. Personally, knowing my partner has cheated in the past is a large factor of me having to develop trust instead of having it immediately.

    Boogaloo [sign in to see picture]
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    I think it depends on the person and the circumstances. If my OH was known to be a serial cheat in the past, then it wouldn't change how I felt about him but I think it would take me longer to trust him and I might not fully trust him as much as I would otherwise. However, if it was a one off I don't think it would bother me as much.

    I haven't really had much experience with this, as neither me or my partner have cheated before (on each other or on exs), but I have been cheated on by an ex partner and it's absolutely devastating. There's never a good reason to cheat IMO, but some circumstances are more understandable than others. I would find it difficult to trust someone who had just mindlessly cheated on their partner simply because they could (which is what happened to me) but would probably find it easier to forgive if their relationship had broken down completely or they were mistreated etc.

    At the end of the day, the past doesn't define who we are, and I do think people can change. As long as I had no reason to believe someone would cheat on me, I probably wouldn't let their past indiscretions change how I viewed them as a person.

    The_Cuboner [sign in to see picture]
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    I wouldn't want to know. I believe the past is the past but I know myself well enough to know that I'd be way more wary because of it. Sad but true. Also I think cheating is one of the most selfish things someone can do so it might even be a dealbreaker for me. Depends on how long we'd been dating before I found out and whether it was one 'mistake' or serial cheating

    AT1 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hmm, difficult one, if a partner has cheated in the past, they have the capacity to do it again. If they didn't tell their former partner I would see it as a red flag, but each to their owh. Cheating on someone is pretty bad, not telling them is unforgivable, I personally could not live with someone who can live with themselves having done that if they denied it.

    Fiery_WA [sign in to see picture]
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    Judge not lest ye be judged.

    Each person has their own reasons for "cheating"

    I am going to be brutally honest, I was married for 15 years, left because of physical abuse, entered into a defacto relationship, which I am still in.

    For the past 15 years my OH has never once seen to my needs (I'm talking about the big O), I need direct clitorial stimulation, he doesn't like going down, I know there are other ways he could have seen to my needs, but he never took and interest, as long as he got his rocks off he was happy, and to a degree while disappointed in his lack of interest in my needs, I was happy enough at least to be getting something.

    Then 3 years ago we were going at it and all of a sudden he just hopped off. It took him awhile to admit he had lost his libido, and has no desire to get it back, not even to see to my needs (why would he, he hasn't for the past 15 years.) Andropause (male menopause).

    "Cheating" never crossed my mind, I wasn't raised that way. So 3 years ago toy usuage started, I have always been a very private person, so when I first started with the toy's I would lock the bedroom door, then I thought maybe if he see's me playing it might interest him, so I left the bedroom door ajar, he has come in several times. looked at what I was doing, done an about face, and closed the door on the way out.

    After 3 years of toy usuage only, I was missing out on the intimacy of being naked and wanted as a sexual being. So I did something I never thought I would do, and look for a Lover.

    I am now 50, and I am happy to say I have found myself a 43 yo Lover, we are exclusive to each other. (I am not a bed hopper nor do I want to become one), my lover is married, so we have a NSA (No Strings Attached) affair that is ongoing.

    My lover has made me feel like a woman again, he thinks me as sexy, and tells me I am. a term neither my Ex Husband or Defacto have ever told me. He is smoking hot, and I still have my now 25yo baby belly plus extra weight,

    Neither of us are out to hurt our respective partners, but being honest, where I thought I would feel guilt, I now feel extreme pleasure in our discreet rendezvous.

    I am once again feeling like a desirable wanted woman.

    MrBIG69 [sign in to see picture]
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    hi all i need help i have been with my oh now for 4 and half years. i moved in with her and her parents 3 and half years ago we have been getting on with each other though thick and thin stuff like 3 years ago me and my oh lost a unborn babe due to complications a very stressfull time and ive been there every step of the way and then all of a sudden last week she told me she had slept with another person. she had to tell me she cheated on me otherwise her mum was going to tell me she says its only the once but im not to sure now as i thought i known her but now its like i dont know her anymoor i need help my head is so messed up because id never ever would of thought she would let alone could do this to me. i just need advice really to help me clear my head abit and im sorry to put all this on this fourm its the only one i could find about cheating unless it was the man what was cheating as i would never even think about cheating on her i didnt want to put on there so i thought this one would do many thanks for reading this. reguards Harri AKA Mrbig69

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