• 20+ yrs without.

    1425744182
    mr sp [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 199
    • Joined: 1 Jan 2015

    I really dont know what to do. I have been married to my lovely wife since 1992. We have a good relationship but without sex as she was assaulted in the same year by a profesional person that should have known better. Well that unfortunately had a bad effect on her and just about put paid to our sex life. I have stood by her and still continue to do so as it was never her fault. In the last couple of years she has now got arthritis etc.

    My sole problem is the lack of intamacy and sex. I really dont want to be disloyal to her but there are days when i get really depressed after reading what other people get up to in a normal life. I am 57 now but still miss that side of life so much that sometimes i could scream. It can feel like a life sentence inside my head.

    I am on here because i have bought myself a few male sex toys to use to for my own personal pleasure and although my wife does know that i have them she has shown no interest in seeing what i have.

    I just dont know what to do.

    1425744342
    sassykitten;) [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1520
    • Joined: 28 May 2014

    Have u spoke to her? And has she seeked professional help it must of been horrible for you both.

    1425745055
    Never know [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1680
    • Joined: 29 Nov 2014

    What a horrible experience that must have been for your wife and you. I think communication is key to any problem and sometimes you can just feel better for getting something off your chest. Slow and steady I would think is essential here but I'm sure you are very respectful of her.

    Best of luck

    1425745838
    mr sp [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 199
    • Joined: 1 Jan 2015

    sassykitten;) wrote:

    Have u spoke to her? And has she seeked professional help it must of been horrible for you both.

    We have covered all aspects and recently she has had a few medical problems to add to the list. Also it didnt help having neighbours from hell on 2 different occasions lasting around ten yrs off and on. Finally we were able to move to a different location where i then i had 6 months off work after suffering a breakdown.

    1425746437
    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 11366
    • Joined: 20 Aug 2014

    You are an amazing man and your wife is so lucky to have you.

    I really feel for her, I was assaulted at the age of 12 and I wasn't raped but came pretty close to it, and I've never forgotten even one little detail, this must be a huge burden for both of you.

    Has she, or would she be willing to get some professional help, if you could talk to her and explain that you love her so much and really wish you could find a way together to be intimate ?

    Whilst playing on your own is obviously great for a physical release it dosen't satisfy the emotional need for intimacy.

    I'd tell her what you've told us - that you would love to be more intimate with her but that you understand exactly why she feels the way she does. Dont think there's going to be a quick or easy fix for this but hopefully talking all this over, both of you together, with a counselor may enable her to come to terms with the truly horrible experince she had. My guess is that she would also love to be able to be intimate with you but genuinley dosen't know how to get over this or where to start.

    Best of luck to you both xx

    1425747110
    capricorn13 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2913
    • Joined: 25 Aug 2013

    What a horrible thing to happen to your wife; the person who did it won't have given any thought to the long term consequences on your wife and her relationship with you.

    I think you are lucky that you still have a good relationship, despite the lack of sex. My gut feeling is that after all this time your wife's feelings are unlikely to change without professional help and she has to want to take that step.

    I think you need to tell her how you feel. Is she happy holding hands when you are out? How about kisses and cuddles? You could start with the non-sexual intimate gestures and see how it goes. Continue to use your new toys when on your own and maybe ask her if she would use them on you, explaining how much you would enjoy that.

    Good luck, and we are here on the forum to support you or just listen to you when you need it x

    1425751343

    [suspended user]

    suspended user
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2993
    • Joined: 25 Apr 2013

    I can't really add more then what people already have, but I just wanted to say I was in an abusive relationship before I met my partner, both mentally and physically abusive as well as sexual.

    But things do and can get better, yes I still have bad days but I also have amazingly wonderful good days. My partner is the one who helps me the most as I'm sure you help yours.

    Good luck!

    1425753367
    JM88 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1174
    • Joined: 12 Nov 2014

    Please dont judge your relationship based on what others have said on here. Yes some seem really adventurous and exciting but that doesnt represent the relationship. You say you dont want to be unfaithful but you miss intimacy, but i think since you clearly love your wife more than anything, sex with anyone else would be purely a physical feeling and you wouldnt get the intimate side of it since you wouldnt have an emotinal connection with anyone else.

    I can understand what your wife went through would put her off of any physical intimacy, but is that still the issue, or could it be that after 20 years shes accepted life how it is and doesnt feel the desire anymore? It could be that shes just got into the routine of not doing anything intimate so she doesnt miss it anymore, or just doesnt feel the need for it.

    Thats not to say its anyones fault, but it could just be a case that 20 years of not being physical means you come to accept it in your mind.

    I really hope you can communicate and make small changes that work out for you both in the long run.

    1425754318
    Just Jenson [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 3094
    • Joined: 19 Dec 2009

    Lots of good advice here.

    You really are a true gentleman who epitomises what Love actually means.

    You said you have felt tempted to stray, but please do not do so. You clearly are full of decency - so seeking that 'quick fix' will make things worse for you and for your wife.

    Where you have been there for your wife, it is also a two way street and she needs to aware of what you are going through as well and respect that. Your solution must be found together.

    1425757934
    kinkytaffs [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 276
    • Joined: 10 Dec 2014

    Your a "REAL MAN". Be proud mate! Sex is not the be all and end all, as someone said earlier hold hands,kiss a lot and hug or as we say in Wales giver her a nice cwtch, but most of all tell her you "love her" every day. Best of luck to you both.

    1425760893
    GlamRockChick [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 501
    • Joined: 24 May 2012

    You are a saint. Your wife has obviously been through a terrible time, but so have you. Without intending to sound harsh, relationships are a two way thing and it sounds as if your wife has either forgotten, or is ignoring the fact that you have needs too.
    I'm sure her ordeal upset her, but a lot of people, including several on here have been through stuff just as bad, if not worse. I was sexually abused as a child and it is possible to overcome things and live a normal life.
    I would suggest to your wife that you undergo couples counselling and try and salvage something from your marriage. 20 years is a long time to punish your partner for something someone else did to you.
    I hope with all my heart that a truly remarkable man such as yourself gets a happy solution to this!

    1425769233
    alienpenguin [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 52
    • Joined: 9 Sep 2014

    First of all good on you for staying with her and being a goo man. Secondly a lot of assult victims can feel this way but after twenty years if she still hasn't...I hate to use the term got over it as that implies her feeling aren't justified and they are but she may need some professional help to come to terms with what happened to her and maybe start to recover.

    1425770404
    kittencub [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 1538
    • Joined: 11 May 2013

    kinkytaffs wrote:

    Your a "REAL MAN". Be proud mate! Sex is not the be all and end all, as someone said earlier hold hands,kiss a lot and hug or as we say in Wales giver her a nice cwtch, but most of all tell her you "love her" every day. Best of luck to you both.

    I'll second that advice our marriage is sexless now due to hubby's illness and now health problems I have toys and my crushes hubby had a jealous thing last year about them we had words but he realises now I'm not a robot. He makes jokes now knowing he can't give a sexual relationship he jokes with me about my crushes, we're closer now we talk alot cuddles are very important good luck.

    1425774076
    Foxxy [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1062
    • Joined: 29 Oct 2009

    Communication really is key here. 20 years is a remarkably long time, and she's very lucky to have a man who has stood by her the way you have, you should be proud of yourself for not weakening at all - I don't think you would gain anything from trying to get a fix of intimacy elsewhere, you clearly love her deeply and I think the guilt could destroy you.

    Has she ever seeked professional help, either alone or the two of you as a couple? What she went through was awful, and understandably it's impacted her ability to have physical relations, but she needs to recognise how this impacts you too.

    Intimacy can present itself in many forms, and I think communicating with each other and making time for yourselves as a couple is extremely important. Romantic walks alone together, warm relaxing baths or showers or possibly a mutual massage - with the understanding that it will progress to nothing more may help you to feel more connected as a couple. Moving forward from there will have to be baby steps i would think, and talking to each other about what you'd like to achieve along the way is vital.

    Good luck, and remember there's always people here to offer advice or to just listen.

    1425793914
    VirginAngel [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: General
    • Posts: 890
    • Joined: 1 Mar 2014

    If you do approach her she may well get very defensive and upset as to why you're bringing this up now after 20+ years. Of course there's no time limit on trauma, but you have left it an incredibly long time without confronting the situation. After so long being used to a none sexual relationship that she's no doubt comfortable and safe in, it could do some serious damage to spring it on her that you want sex, and have spent the last 20 something years frustrated and unsatisfied. It is a lot of presure to subject her to, and could leave her incredibly hurt if she honestly believed you were content with how things are. I know a lot of people are thinking it's impossible that she's oblivious or is being selfish of your needs, but there are genuinely people who don't care about sex, she may honestly have spent your marriage believing the relationship was complete without sex. Not everybody does get past the trauma, for some they can never face sex again, and maybe shes in the mindset that you don't need sex and love is enough. I appreciate you feel you're at the end of your ability to put up without it, but you do need to be aware that this could massively impact on your marriage and her trust in you if you do bring it up.

    1425810701
    innocent-fun [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 279
    • Joined: 18 Feb 2015

    So many wise words from everyone!

    I think some forms of counselling is necessary, how you approach the subject may be difficult. It may upset her at first, but ultimately you do have hers, yours and your relationships best interest at heart. Only you will know the best way to suggest this to her.

    I absolutely agree with jm88. You clearly have a strong relationship to still be together after 20years, never mind the sex-relationships don't stick together because of sex, no matter how good it is. Intimacy comes from a good relationship, by intimacy I don't necessarily mean sex, there's more to feeling special thanks getting down & dirty. So what is it about her that makes you feel special? You just gotta remember the small things that keeps the flame alight in your relationship. As has been said, a 'quick fix' by straying is not going to work, you won't have the intimacy you're looking for and you will damage your marriage.

    Good luck.

    1425821046
    mr sp [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 199
    • Joined: 1 Jan 2015

    O.M.G So many kind comments. Im completely blown away.

    Im afraid now though that any sexual activity that could ever happen has now gone as she is now suffering from imflamatory arthritis. I feel for her so much as she has had her share of bad luck in life but at least we still have eachother. I should think myself lucky that those things have not happened to me...... but there again maybe they have !

    1425823040
    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 11366
    • Joined: 20 Aug 2014

    mr sp wrote:

    O.M.G So many kind comments. Im completely blown away.

    Im afraid now though that any sexual activity that could ever happen has now gone as she is now suffering from imflamatory arthritis. I feel for her so much as she has had her share of bad luck in life but at least we still have eachother. I should think myself lucky that those things have not happened to me...... but there again maybe they have !

    That made me cry. . . . .sorry :(

    1425857401
    twincats [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
    • Posts: 514
    • Joined: 22 Feb 2015

    So so sorry about your situation, depression can be a lonely place. As you love her and giving her unconditional love to reassure her. I had anxiety and depression which put a lot of pressure on my wife. It took lots of patience and love on her side, while l had theory. It took me almost a year to real alias what l was doing the are relationship. LH help me to rise to the task.
    Good luck for the future, keep loving her, cuddlys and kisses.

    .

    1425915382
    mr sp [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant Colonel
    • Posts: 199
    • Joined: 1 Jan 2015

    Terri JJ wrote:

    mr sp wrote:

    O.M.G So many kind comments. Im completely blown away.

    Im afraid now though that any sexual activity that could ever happen has now gone as she is now suffering from imflamatory arthritis. I feel for her so much as she has had her share of bad luck in life but at least we still have eachother. I should think myself lucky that those things have not happened to me...... but there again maybe they have !

    That made me cry. . . . .sorry :(

    Oh dear im so sorry. To be honest after reading everyones lovely comments i needed a tissue myself. I really was blown away !

    Post a reply to this thread

    Please sign in to post messages to the forum.