• Frustrated!

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    Richy [sign in to see picture]
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    My wife and I have been together over 10years, now in our 30's.

    sex has always been good. We have it regularly, say 2-3 times a week. I have a high sex drive but my wife doesn't necessarily. Certainly not as high as mine. She is definitely very much a sub and I'm the dom.

    i guess the problem is, I want to be sub sometimes. What I find frustrating at the moment is she never takes the initiative in terms of our sex life, it's always me who pushes for a new toy or asking her to dress up and I'm finding this more and more frustrating. Last night I asked her to browse LH to add to a wish list of what she likes. She just didn't bother and said she didn't understand what I wanted. Again I find this frustrating. Don't get me wrong we have lots of toys but all stuff I've bought.

    id love to come home and find her ready and waiting for me and treat me but once again it's always me who has to take the initiative. I try and talk to her but it just gets shrugged off.

    Don't get me wrong I just want to please her as much as I can, I can't think what any other woman would want more. It's not just about me. She's also quite liberal in bed whereas I want to try anything and everything. Don't get me wrong we've done anal and restraints recently but everything is quite 'samey'

    how can I get her to take more of a dominant role :-( currently I'm suggesting we need more of a open relationship so I can go and get some kicks but I guess this is ridiculous suggestion.

    so am I being unreasonable or wanting too much, how can I get her to be more assertive in bed. She's so flipping hot and sexy and I tell her this, as she's said before its a confidence thing.

    HELP!!!

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Having been in a similar situation myself I sympathise with you both. I have felt the lack of confidence like your wife, and also been frustrated with the lack of kink like you. So I can see it from a variety of directions.

    I don't think you can magically make her be more assertive, I became more assertive when I finally discovered what it was I truly needed from a sexual relationship, then got frustrated because I couldn't get it from the relationship I was in.

    I think some people and I am one of them are so truly submissive that being assertive sexually is hard. I could do it now but only because I have partners who are sexually dominant and I know once I presented myself they would know how to take control of me like I need them to.

    Is your wife able to talk about what she enjoys and what sort of sex life she finds satisfying? I know it's a crap though, but sometimes the person we are with isn't always the best sexual match.

    The only think I would say, is that if she is lacking confidence, the suggestion of you going elsewhere may not help. I know you said open marriage, so she would have the chance too, but sounds like chances are she wouldn't, but you would. I think that would only end in disaster, though I do understand the frustration thst has led you to that thought.

    I hope you can find a way trough this together, I'm sure lots of other people will have helpful advice too x

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    Will B [sign in to see picture]
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    Hello Richy

    I know how you feel , i have been with my wife for 12 year and we just hit 40 .

    sex was alway great and like you a few times a week

    atfer we had kids it started to get less and less , the kids are now a little older 9 and 6 and it is staring to come back a little

    i would love to find my wife waiting for me and just jump on me for a geat night of fun ,

    but i feel that it is alway me that text her at work or ( asked if we can have fun that night )

    i would just say talk to her tell her how you feel and try to make her understand how you feel ,

    i would not go down the open relationship road if i was you i have known people that have tried this and 8 out of 10 it all goes wrong at sum point in time .

    the last had a open relationship and everything looked great but after 10 year they are now spliting up and i do not thing that the open relationship has helped .

    so take it easy i know it is hard and frustating but take a little time , step for step

    do not know if you watch porn together this could help to show her what you would like to try .

    or if you just try adding a little at a time

    my wife liked anal sometimes and one way i found was to ask her what it is like to have anal and a few week later she tried a toy on me ,

    after many months we have now got the point that she love's to peg me and i love it too

    but this is only sometime

    take your time small smaal step's

    hope this help's

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    Terri JJ [sign in to see picture]
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    Firstly you both have my sympathies. You say your wife is naturally submissive in the bedroom, me too. If my husband suddenly decided be wanted me to be dominant I honestly wouldn't know where to start and I think I'd begin to feel inadequate if he pushed too hard. I would be destroyed if he even mentioned an open relationship, kind of 'I can't give you what you want so you're going to get it elsewhere ?' I agree with the comment that it can work if you both do it but as your wife probably wouldn't she's likely to see it as she's not enough for you - not going to help at all with her confidence.

    We've been married for almost 25 years and yes things can get a little 'samey' at times. We role play sometimes, have a lovely meal out pretending we've just met, naughty girl/boy who needs punishing etc to keep things from getting boring. I was very reluctant to buy toys myself at first (I'm not now !) and hubby made a list of things he would like me to use on him and asked me to chose 1item for each special occasion, birthday, anniversary, etc. I could hardly refuse to buy him a present so this worked well and once I saw the pleasure it gave him I started to buy more 😉

    Whilst you're having sex you could gently guide her hands to do something to you that you want and tell her how good it feels, hopefully this will encourage her if she can see that she's doing something that really turns you on. But yeah agree with small steps, if she feels pressurised you risk putting her off completely. Hope things work out for you both x

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    Richy [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks people so far with these replies. Great Lh'ers!

    I am particularly frustrated at the moment as its the last few days of TOM and it always bubbles up around this time. Currently we are in a right mood with each other due to me coming home last night and hoping for at least some wank play to get I don't want to, even though I'd been txting about it over the evening.

    I guess I need to continue to learn with it but she needs to talk and discuss with me, I like being the DOM as I want to please her as much as possible (although sometimes I need telling that it's good too as shes not overly communicative)

    We do use porn - although she mainly complains that it's not her type but it's hard to find out what her type is.

    I dunno, I just guess I need to deal with it and try and get her to communicate as much as possible but it is so frustrating sometimes. I guess I learn to accept it during the month as we have it fairly regurly

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    She really does sound like she lacks the confidence to just let go and say or do whatever might come to mind. I know I was just like that, I rarely communicated during sex or about sex, and it wasnlt that I didn't have the thoughts in my head, because I really did, but the thought of saying anything sex realted out loud was mortifying.

    How is life in general? When I was living with my ex I founf the stresses and strains of daily life would zap any sex drive I had. He would come in and be all over me as I cooked, or would make it obvious he wanted sex that night, and while that would be great for me now, at the time, him doing the dishes voluntarily would have turned me on more. I would try and explain this to him, but he just never got it. I always felt like every touch was intended to lead to sex and the lack of cuddles or hand holdingnjust to be loving really knocked my desire too. I'm not saying you are at all like this, but thought I'd throw it out there, because I know I'm not the only woman to ever have felt this way.

    When do you chat about this kind of stuff? Is it usually at time like this when you feel frustrated? I ask becase this is when it always used to come up in my relationship and I would end up feeling defensive which would result in me being even less likely to open up.

    x

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    sassykitten;) [sign in to see picture]
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    Ladys highlightedsome valued points, when I was going through a hard point into my sex life n I the thought of sex would make me tense me n my bf had a long chat and a cuddle.. I said I felt I was letting him down but I was so tense ... cuddling and doing other things completely unrelated to sex helped me relax and in the end resulting in sex .. now we are so much more comfortable n have it regularly. Chatting,cuddles etc really helped ... I would imagine a letter could help x

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    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    sassykitten;) wrote:

    Ladys highlightedsome valued points, when I was going through a hard point into my sex life n I the thought of sex would make me tense me n my bf had a long chat and a cuddle.. I said I felt I was letting him down but I was so tense ... cuddling and doing other things completely unrelated to sex helped me relax and in the end resulting in sex .. now we are so much more comfortable n have it regularly. Chatting,cuddles etc really helped ... I would imagine a letter could help x

    Such a good idea Especially as it might encourage her to write one back, she might feelless self-concious sharing some thoughts in writing.

    Just had another thought too, though iy may not be suitable. Have you ever tried any of the games from here? I haven't used them myself, but I have seen people say on here before that they've used them to great effect. Maybe a night in with a takeaway, a bottle of wine and a game might help relax her a little so she can share some things with you x

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    sassykitten;) [sign in to see picture]
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    I just broughht my bf the pillow talk game we haven't played it yet but it seemed a good idea for starting out in a new relationship in regards to getting to know each other sexually x

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    frisk69 [sign in to see picture]
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    The idea of lady's being turned on by a man doing the dishes does amuse me I'm afraid.... :-)

    Joking aside, it's all good advice. My wife and I hit a rough period of a few years after the kids started arriving that I think is only starting to lift now.

    One of the things that helped lift her spirit in general and in the bedroom was certain books.... nothing that would fit in the 'erotica' category, but just stuff that had humour and a little spice... Janet evanovitch was particularly great. But basically it was just something that put a smile on her face.

    That said, the old fifty trilogy have helped too!

    I can see the whole 'porn' doesn't work for me thing... tbh it strikes me a lot of porn seems to be made from a rather male centric perspective, and doesn't hit the erotic buttons... maybe like horror, things are more effective when you don't show all the gory details and let peoples heads do the work.

    I hope you get it sorted though. It sounds like you do care for her a lot. Good luck.

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    Richy [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks everyone really appreciate it, I do care for a million percent and fooling around on the bed this evening led me to massage her and get hard behind her, she responds. Arghhhhh.

    i think a lot of this is due to the TOM but it also amplifies things that bubble through the month. She does read books and that got us our second child lol!! She's currently reading the second book again in the FSOG series. I dunno, it's hard to pinpoint, tonight I might just say I really want to dom her and she has to do anything I say. That's if I get it tonight I guess as she always says she needs 2-3 days to recover from ToM.

    I think I really just want her to take the lead, everything you read on LH shows women sexually chArged and in control and maybe I pine for that. I want her to suggest wearing crotchless knickers for a night out and actually do it rather than talk about it and not do it as its 'uncomfortable'

    i guess sometimes I think it comes across as selfish. I want to do anything and everything for her or to her, I'm very liberal minded. Reading one of the cream pie posts I really want to do that and clean her up. We've talked about it but then she doesn't present herself after sex or just says you wouldn't want it now you've cum etc. arghhhhh frustrating!

    Thanks everyone though. I guess lots of people have these issues, I think it's just sending me up a little at the mo.

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