• Sex, depression and the libido

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    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    It’s something that you will experience at some point in your life time, unfortunately there are others who have to live with this invisible monster, on a daily basis. But there is one thing that depression can hit hard on and that is a lack in your Libido.

    I have suffered from this, many a time I didn’t entertain the presence of any kind of sexual contact. It’s hit and miss and can be one emotion and feeling that I really miss. Especially when my eyes see the delicious form of a male, wanting me but my brain kicks in and says “Jo, Jog the hell on!“.

    Any form of mental illness can be debilitating on a level across the board but I want to talk about the lack of intimacy, on this part. It’s like a barrier is put up, you know you want it but you just can’t take it.

    There can be many reasons to this, be it the way you are feeling or the medications you have to take. I am being bold, with this post and will reveal a bit more about me, in the hopes that it gives my readers that are struggling with their sex drive, hope.

    First off, you need to get down to the root of why you are feeling blue. If it is an ongoing issue, then I would suggest a medical profession is the road to take. CBT (cognitive behavior therapy) may help to unveil the causes of your distress and help you overcome your battles but of course, this is something that you would have to want to do. It’s not easy to discuss your inner-most intimate thoughts with a stranger, I know this first hand. But it really does help and seeing a therapist is confidential, whatever you tell them, can not be shared or repeated, due to patient confidentiality. Don’t think what you divulge isn’t worthy of their time, therapists have pretty much seen and heard everything.

    You may need to discuss your medical options with your GP (general practitioner), who will establish if you would benefit from medication. Antidepressants get a bad name, some people label them as ‘looney pills’ but all they do is level the chemicals and hormones within a person’s body, which will help them get through life on a daily basis. I had to go through 4 different types of tablets, before I found the one that suited my body and needs and even then, I had to play about with the daily dose level, until I hit 40mg’s a day, which was to be the magic number.

    For the record, I am not that looney, you won’t see me randomly ranting at 2pm in a high-street about numbers and alien abductions. 1) I am rubbish with maths and failed miserably in algebra 2) I already have a tin foil hat! On a serious note, I was diagnosed with PTSD in 2011, I had been misdiagnosed and passed from pillar to post for 5yrs, prior to that. I take 40mg’s of Citalopram a day, it helps me focus and get on with my day and yes, I am happy to stick with them, as it works for me.

    Exercise is something that also can aid in fighting depression. Research shows that 20-30 minutes daily heart pumping activities, helps the mind and body. Get your heart rate beating, raise that pulse and get your blood pumping, which also helps release chemicals that enhance the mood. Go out for a casual walk, a bike ride or join a gym.

    Look at your diet; do you live off of junk food, sugary and starchy foods? Then this could be something that is holding your body back. Cut out those ‘diet’ drinks, they aren’t particularly good for you, no matter what the TV ads say! If you like a can or two of coke, a day, limit yourself, a little of everything is good for you. Bread is a devil in disguise, it is known to retain water in your body, a lot of people have gluten and wheat allergies and don’t realize it. Try cutting bread, pasta and potatoes out of your diet for a week and see how you feel. This also goes for sweets and chocolates……yes you, you reading this! I know you have a secret stash of cheeky snacks in your cupboard.

    Back to the sex drive issue, or lack of: Don’t feel like you have to sexually perform with your partner. If you are not feeling ‘up for it’, then so be it and your partner should respect that. Here’s a little insight for you too, not every one is having mind-blowing-earth trembling-sex, so don’t think you have to. We crave for human intimacy, whether it be verbal, touch or much more but expectations of sexual contact seems a lot higher and extreme, when your libido has packed in for a holiday.

    Start off slow, if you are having trouble getting in the mood, take the stress out of it. Spend a night on the sofa with your partner, curl up and watch a film and chill out. A simple touch from him/her can go a long way. Cuddle and allow your partner to run their fingers gently over your arms or skin that is showing. Touch can get out sexual enhancers buzzing and knowing that the end games doesn’t have to be sex, will help you relax.

    As a partner who is supporting someone with depression, try suggesting before bed, that you give them a back massage but with no intent but just to cuddle up and sleep, afterwards.

    I have found that over the years, my ‘lady parts’ can become numb to being touched. Confiding in my female GP, it turns out that a side effect to taking antidepressants can be that of the clitoris being numb to sexual pleasure. Not to fear though, it can be a simple remedy, as simple as buying over the counter Estrogen creams but please do consult a medical professional, before doing this.

    You could also try herbal remedies, I find that watermelon extract, really does help. It has natural antioxidants and is known to give the sex drive, a good old kick up the arse.

    I have had moments of kissing and playing around with a partner and then, as soon as that zipper fly undoes, I end up rebounding off of him, like I had just witnessed the most outrageous thing in the world! It’s not disgust, it’s like my body is screaming ‘dudette, no, nope, noooo, this ain’t happening tonight!

    There are ways and means to work around a loss of the libido, it may take time but I promise you will find it again. For me, I ventured into finding kinks and fetishes that I had previously thought about but never tried. Spanking is one of them, so when my sex drive takes a drive, a good old spanking or two, can help get me back in the mood. Communication is also a key point, especially if you have a partner. Tell them that you aren’t feeling in the mood, don’t push them away. Allow him/her to be there for you, to be your shoulder, plus it never hurt to have a sexy man run you a nice long hot bubble bath.

    I am not a medical professional, I am just a woman who has experienced life at a different pace to others. To help me understand why minds act this way, I studied Psychology. I don’t have a chosen ‘area’ but I would like to think that I have helped myself understand why my brain functions certain ways.

    All in all, don’t bottle up your emotions, let them flow out, talk to people or write down your feelings. Not allowing your frustrations out, can cause us more stress, which is not needed.

    There isn’t a one-size-fits-all cure and not everything works for everyone but if you are on medication for depression, please do not stop taking it, without seeking medical advice. The brain is important for a person’s sexuality due to the chemistry, i creates ideas, feelings and pleasure. Getting out of your body’s funk can take time, there is no set limit. Our bodies heal with time and understanding and you may find that you have to reteach yourself certain things. I had to find my way around being aroused over time, when I went from a long dry patch. The male touch just didn’t do anything for me, so I explored and had my (then) partner experiment with feathers and other textures, that he would run over my naked body and you know what, it was fun and it worked!

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    SensualFire [sign in to see picture]
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    Some very valid points here. I will read it through again

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    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    damn it, just noticed typos grrrrr

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Had depression since being v.v.young. Beat it with the help of OH, I always knew why it was but couldn't do anything about it. Strangely enough, my down days are when I want sex the most, something about needing to feel connected to OH. My thing with depression is that the walls go up and I become disconnected from the world, used to be a coping mechanism now I hate it, sex brings me back to the world.

    I know this isn't useful, just wanted to share my experience :)

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    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    Young and fun95 wrote:

    Had depression since being v.v.young. Beat it with the help of OH, I always knew why it was but couldn't do anything about it. Strangely enough, my down days are when I want sex the most, something about needing to feel connected to OH. My thing with depression is that the walls go up and I become disconnected from the world, used to be a coping mechanism now I hate it, sex brings me back to the world.

    I know this isn't useful, just wanted to share my experience :)

    every experience is useful x

    I used to use sex as a way to cope, a few years back but now, nope :(

    1422998275
    capricorn13 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you so much for this honest and insightful post.

    As someone who rediscovered my long lost libido only about 18 months ago I wish I had read advice like this years ago.

    I hope it helps other forum readers understand a bit more about how depression affects their own or their partner's libido and what they can do to help.

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    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    thank you x

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    girlalive [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks for this. I have long term depression related to autism, and the antidepressants are killing my sex drive sometimes. But without them, the depression does the same.

    One thing that has helped me is having a designated sex time every week. We may have full sex, or sometimes just naked cuddling or sometimes stuff in between every Sunday afternoon. I usually skip my Saturday evening dose of antidepressants (ask your doctor before trying that - I'm on a drug where this is okay once a week or so) and then I also can spend some time with some porn or erotica the night before to get myself in that head space.

    Sometimes that all works and sometimes it doesn't, but I think it's important to make the effort for my own mental health and for my partner.

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    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    @girlalive thank you for sharing x

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    mr sp [sign in to see picture]
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    Thankyou for your explanation. I too have been on medication for depression and it does effect your sex drive. Before i was diagnosed i was horny all the time but now these tablets have taken their toll and my sex drive has somewhat weakened. I do still get aroused in the right moments but those feelings are getting further apart. It can be so frustrating. I have been buying recently on here as my oh is no longer able to perform due to her health and im hoping that these toys are able to liven things up again for me.

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    frisk69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you for sharing this blue eyes.

    My wife has struggled with this for a few years now. And it's a pretty rough ride. I'm getting better at dealing with it, but I wish I'd seen that post years ago.

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    dom-in-blk [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you for being so brave and writing this. I am on Propranolol which is a beta-blocker for anxiety. My parther dosen't really understand why I'm not 'feeling it' and as the dominant in the realtionship I can only play on the 'you have been a naughty boy' angle for so long.

    We had a bit of an argument the other day and last night wee actually had a serious discussion about the issues in our relationship. I feel as if I'm just not present and I know that I'm over thinking things which case me to drop out of the mood as fast as a greased cat. The meds aren't helping but I recently purchased some clit stimulant which is actually working and is also making me feel a lot more interesed in bedroom activities again.

    I just want to say, thank you for writing that up there, I really appreciate knowing I'm not alone and big hugs to you!

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    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    WOW what a lovely response, big thank you x

    I am on propranolol too, as one of my other meds, I'm now on 80mg x 3 a time or as and when needed. I only take it when I need too, as I find that it makes me feel like a shield to any emotion etc.

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    mariac [sign in to see picture]
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    I am also on propanolol and find it really helps to bring me back to the world, meaning I am able to have sex again.

    Sometimes my psychotic episodes affect my sex life as they happen during sex, which you may think would be awkward but because I have such an amazing boyfriend, he always puts me first and comforts me.

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    mrs.hiskett [sign in to see picture]
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    i too suffer Sever depressiona dn anxiety. Im just coming out of three year no libido spat. honestly im awkward ine. Tried all your points and luke you said not on size fits all. All it took for me was making time for myself and be nore selfish. I found new hobby, snuggles and more time just relaxing on my own. treats did help once it was slowly coming back. Not pressured to buy anything though i choose massage candles .....time, communication and patience seemdto work

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    FlexyBexyXXX [sign in to see picture]
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    I don't like to complain, but frankly I've had a fucking rubbish time lately. In fact I can't really believe that I'm going to let it out but here goes. Just before Christmas I lost my Mom, I'd seen her battle cancer for just over a year. I'm in my second year at university and right now I could do with her on the end of the phone telling me what to do. Just two weeks after losing her, I badly broke my leg and ankle, shredded my ligaments and had my first ever operation under general anaesthetic which properly scared me as I have a claustrophobic fear of anywhere even vaguely clinical - BUT the great thing is I think I might be on my way to beating it, after being forced to spend lots of time in appointments and checks and hospital. Once I got back to university in January, my Nan passed away too - and I'm really kicking myself for not seeing more of her. I suppose I just wanted to spend all my time with my Mom. Now I'm waiting for a second operation on my ankle to mobilise it. Got my end of year deadlines coming up in just under two weeks and frankly I'm terrified.

    Sorry, but that was incredibly hard to type - I honestly don't like to talk about myself but I guess it built up and I had to shout it out somewhere..

    The one obvious change I've seen in myself is that I can't stop buying things - like the other day I splurged on 12 candles. Retail therapy used to make me happy but it doesn't now and I have no fucking idea what to do. Even though I don't talk about it to my friends, they know what I've been through, and everybody always says I should go to counselling. If I'm going to be honest, I've tried the counselling thing many times but being someone who doesn't like to open up, it's like pulling teeth. I don't know what to do!

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    mrs.hiskett [sign in to see picture]
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    FlexyBexyXXX wrote:

    I don't like to complain, but frankly I've had a fucking rubbish time lately. In fact I can't really believe that I'm going to let it out but here goes. Just before Christmas I lost my Mom, I'd seen her battle cancer for just over a year. I'm in my second year at university and right now I could do with her on the end of the phone telling me what to do. Just two weeks after losing her, I badly broke my leg and ankle, shredded my ligaments and had my first ever operation under general anaesthetic which properly scared me as I have a claustrophobic fear of anywhere even vaguely clinical - BUT the great thing is I think I might be on my way to beating it, after being forced to spend lots of time in appointments and checks and hospital. Once I got back to university in January, my Nan passed away too - and I'm really kicking myself for not seeing more of her. I suppose I just wanted to spend all my time with my Mom. Now I'm waiting for a second operation on my ankle to mobilise it. Got my end of year deadlines coming up in just under two weeks and frankly I'm terrified.

    Sorry, but that was incredibly hard to type - I honestly don't like to talk about myself but I guess it built up and I had to shout it out somewhere..

    The one obvious change I've seen in myself is that I can't stop buying things - like the other day I splurged on 12 candles. Retail therapy used to make me happy but it doesn't now and I have no fucking idea what to do. Even though I don't talk about it to my friends, they know what I've been through, and everybody always says I should go to counselling. If I'm going to be honest, I've tried the counselling thing many times but being someone who doesn't like to open up, it's like pulling teeth. I don't know what to do!

    remember friends can be best counsellers. If u cant open up to a shrink try a close friend over some drinks or general chat and girly nught in anf use them candles u bought. But first breathe nice and slowly u seem bit erractic. Cry when u feel like crying, smile when u feel like smiling. Take one day as it comes . Grief is harsh but open ur curtains let the light in and know you your not alone.
    1430482503
    mrs.hiskett [sign in to see picture]
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    FlexyBexyXXX wrote:

    I don't like to complain, but frankly I've had a fucking rubbish time lately. In fact I can't really believe that I'm going to let it out but here goes. Just before Christmas I lost my Mom, I'd seen her battle cancer for just over a year. I'm in my second year at university and right now I could do with her on the end of the phone telling me what to do. Just two weeks after losing her, I badly broke my leg and ankle, shredded my ligaments and had my first ever operation under general anaesthetic which properly scared me as I have a claustrophobic fear of anywhere even vaguely clinical - BUT the great thing is I think I might be on my way to beating it, after being forced to spend lots of time in appointments and checks and hospital. Once I got back to university in January, my Nan passed away too - and I'm really kicking myself for not seeing more of her. I suppose I just wanted to spend all my time with my Mom. Now I'm waiting for a second operation on my ankle to mobilise it. Got my end of year deadlines coming up in just under two weeks and frankly I'm terrified.

    Sorry, but that was incredibly hard to type - I honestly don't like to talk about myself but I guess it built up and I had to shout it out somewhere..

    The one obvious change I've seen in myself is that I can't stop buying things - like the other day I splurged on 12 candles. Retail therapy used to make me happy but it doesn't now and I have no fucking idea what to do. Even though I don't talk about it to my friends, they know what I've been through, and everybody always says I should go to counselling. If I'm going to be honest, I've tried the counselling thing many times but being someone who doesn't like to open up, it's like pulling teeth. I don't know what to do!

    remember friends can be best counsellers. If u cant open up to a shrink try a close friend over some drinks or general chat and girly nught in anf use them candles u bought. But first breathe nice and slowly u seem bit erractic. Cry when u feel like crying, smile when u feel like smiling. Take one day as it comes . Grief is harsh but open ur curtains let the light in and know you your not alone.
    1430486728
    mariac [sign in to see picture]
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    FlexyBexyXXX wrote:

    I don't like to complain, but frankly I've had a fucking rubbish time lately. In fact I can't really believe that I'm going to let it out but here goes. Just before Christmas I lost my Mom, I'd seen her battle cancer for just over a year. I'm in my second year at university and right now I could do with her on the end of the phone telling me what to do. Just two weeks after losing her, I badly broke my leg and ankle, shredded my ligaments and had my first ever operation under general anaesthetic which properly scared me as I have a claustrophobic fear of anywhere even vaguely clinical - BUT the great thing is I think I might be on my way to beating it, after being forced to spend lots of time in appointments and checks and hospital. Once I got back to university in January, my Nan passed away too - and I'm really kicking myself for not seeing more of her. I suppose I just wanted to spend all my time with my Mom. Now I'm waiting for a second operation on my ankle to mobilise it. Got my end of year deadlines coming up in just under two weeks and frankly I'm terrified.

    Sorry, but that was incredibly hard to type - I honestly don't like to talk about myself but I guess it built up and I had to shout it out somewhere..

    The one obvious change I've seen in myself is that I can't stop buying things - like the other day I splurged on 12 candles. Retail therapy used to make me happy but it doesn't now and I have no fucking idea what to do. Even though I don't talk about it to my friends, they know what I've been through, and everybody always says I should go to counselling. If I'm going to be honest, I've tried the counselling thing many times but being someone who doesn't like to open up, it's like pulling teeth. I don't know what to do!

    awww hunny I really feel for you <3 i hope you can overcome this hard time <3

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    fantasia fairy [sign in to see picture]
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    I totally understnad this thank you! Depending on how my mood is some days are worse than others. My medication in general affects me, that combinded with my sexual assualt in the past means that i always need lube and i need to be pretty aroused before i can actually have sex. Even more so since i started my new meds. Oral is also hard for more as my mouth is sometimes dryer.

    But if im having a really bad day then nothing will work not even my happy rabbit. I broke down yesterday because i couldnt orgasm at all and im in a terrible mood today over it. It's annoying because if i dont have an orgasm my mood is worse but getting horny is an issue for me with my depression....yeah...lol

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