• Get my wife goin.

    1423182604
    The_Cuboner [sign in to see picture]
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    Has it always been like this or is a recent thing?

    This is probably something you're not going to want to hear but it's possible you're not very good at pleasing her. This sounds way harsher than I mean it to so please don't think I'm attacking you! When my current boyfriend and I started having sex, he wasn't very good at understanding what I enjoyed and I was too insecure/scared to tell him. This wasn't his fault of course, I just wasn't very good at communicating about that stuff and I wasn't entirely sure what I liked either being inexperienced. This lasted for a couple months until eventually he got frustrated and we had a long conversation about it. Once I realised how much he wanted to please me and that he didn't enjoy sex if I wasn't enjoying it, it became a lot easier to talk to him about that stuff.

    Essentially, my point is not to insult your sexual style but rather to suggest that your wife might not feel comfortable talking to you about what she likes. It could be any number of things really so I would suggest just talking to her and making sure you don't phrase it in a way which makes it seem like you're attacking her. For example, asking in a suitable moment 'is everything okay with our sex life?' might work wonders. My boyfriend is reluctant to talk about sex so I asked him when we were about to go to sleep in the dark and I think the lack of lights made him open up a lot more than he would have otherwise.

    Apart from that, all I can say is be intimate with her. Not sexually but emotionally. The moments I want my boyfriend the most are the moments when he's not trying to have sex with me but instead does something to prove he cares about me as a person. Emotional intimacy will lead to sexual intimacy with time

    1423182998
    SensualFire [sign in to see picture]
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    Yeh we need to stop being frightened to communicate about what we like what we dont like, how we like to be touched, where and how long for etc etc.

    Expression can come over not just in verbal communication, but moans and groans, the more you are receptive, the more you become attuned to what your lover likes or does not like. I am speaking as a whole here.

    My partner is very insecure and keeps pushing me away when I want to touch him, or get close, but I have bee doing the same, A lot of people do not comprehend that when two people are in such a close proximity and in an intimate space, you become sensitive on more than one level. It can be frightening, and bestill apprehension, bring fears up etc

    be gentle on your self sad hubby, be gentle with her too. However she really does need to make some choices her self, and its not something you can come in on.

    1423221914
    Penny91 [sign in to see picture]
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    SensualFire wrote:

    Mummy mode and wife mode?

    Expectations and ideals about being the `mother` and then being a `wife`

    I have mixed feelings there, because I am so very aware of the pressure and deals that are placed on wife, husband, mother and father.

    A good diet helps sex drive and over all energy mind. My diet has not been that good (living on a strict budget) I has some vegitable broth, fruit and fresh juice over three days and such a dramatic improvment

    I understand that there are pressures put on both husband, wife, mother and father. I wasn't trying to say my role is harder or more important, just that when the kids wake in the night etc it is me that has to get them back to sleep. I personally find it hard to go from reading my little ones books and tucking them in at night to feeling sexy and in the mood as soon as I go and get in bed with my partner. This is especially the case when things have started to happen, the kids have woken and I have had to get dressed, go through settle the kids and then as soon as I come back to bed pick up where we left off. He seems to deal with this fine, but I feel a bit dirty going through to give the kids a kiss etc when a minute before I was having sex.

    I'm sure there are lots of people that don't feel like this - I was just trying to give the poster some possible reasons from my experiences.

    1423243174
    SensualFire [sign in to see picture]
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    It was not meant as an insult or to put you at edge, honest, I was speaking as a whole. I do comprehend as to why women and men find it hard to switch from daddy role to sexy.

    1423308828
    SadHubby [sign in to see picture]
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    Penny91, thanks for your posts, very helpful again.

    I think you may be similar to my wife in some ways.

    I think you said that you don't go on top. Please, please do so your other half would love it! You can't do it wrong, just do what feels best for you and it would feel great for him.

    My wife does go on top and I think she actually prefers that. The fact that I say "I think" is part of my problem because it's very difficult to find out what she actually likes best.

    Which brings me on to what The Cuboner said above.

    You may be right that I may not be good at pleasing her but if she doesn't tell me or give me many (any) audible clues then it's a bit difficult. I've tried asking direct and if I get any response at all, it's normally what she doesn't like, not what she does and I've also tried doing different things and looking for a response but again it's usually quite a repressed response.

    The times when she does cum, it can be quite difficult to actually tell (and I know how bizarre that sounds!) especially if its dark.

    We have been together 10 years and she's never been one who wants it a lot (which I'm ok with). I can probably count on the fingers of 1 hand the number of times I've not wanted it when she has.

    I would've thought by now that she would be a bit more open with me and I should have a bit more idea what she does actually like, it depresses me massively that I don't know ;-(

    I think really I need to get her to do 2 things, firstly open up to me and really let me know what she likes and secondly actually be comfortable enough to really have a proper release with me there.

    I guess they are acutally one and the same things. It's actually how I get her to do it is the problem I think... Come on girls, I'm from Mars, tell me what it's like on Venus. ;-)

    1423314654
    Penny91 [sign in to see picture]
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    SadHubby wrote:

    We have been together 10 years and she's never been one who wants it a lot (which I'm ok with). I can probably count on the fingers of 1 hand the number of times I've not wanted it when she has.

    I would've thought by now that she would be a bit more open with me and I should have a bit more idea what she does actually like, it depresses me massively that I don't know ;-(

    SensualFire wrote:

    It was not meant as an insult or to put you at edge, honest, I was speaking as a whole. I do comprehend as to why women and men find it hard to switch from daddy role to sexy.

    SensualFire - Don't worry I didn't feel offended! I just wasn't sure if I had explained enough what I meant the first time around

    SadHubby - Are you sure your wife actually knows what she likes? It may be a case of trial and error to find out. I often find when reading posts that I can't relate to a lot of things other women says turns them on. I don't get much feeling from having my nipples/breasts touched/kissed. Nor do I feel much when my partner kisses/ touches other parts of my body such as inner thighs. For me the only area I have so far discovered can get me going is breathing on/ kissing the back of my neck.

    I do really enjoy oral sex and other than a few occasions in my life where I have climaxed from sex alone it is mostly the only way I can reach orgasm. Luckily for me my partner really enjoys giving it and is aware I don't get much from sex alone. I also don't particularly enjoy clitoral stimulation with fingers whilst having sex. I find the whole area to be far to sensitive - this is not always the case and clitoral stimulation through certain positions such as my partner lifting me up whilst standing does work for me. However, having sex this way everytime isn't really practical.

    For me I just don't think I am a massively sexual person and this has been the case from having my first boyfriend until now.I dont think it has much to do with any boyfriends abilty in bed, but more to do with how little my body responds to the 'normal' things that turn a woman on. I am much more open and confident with my current partner than I have been with anyone else and the sex is better, but I can't say my sex drive has increased because of it or that I have discovered any new things I enjoy.

    How open has your wife been about her past sexual experiences? If she hasn't is it a case of she has never told you because she is shy about it or because you wouldn't want to hear it? There may be something you could learn from her past that would help. Obviously if you already know about it ignore this part.

    To me it sounds like your wife is probably quite like me and isn't really sure what she enjoys. It is much easier for me to tell my parter what I don't like, but this will always come with the risk of upsetting/ annoying him. Being told everything you try new things you have researched etc aren't working is probably quite difficult to hear. Maybe think about the manner in which you react when you don't get the response you are looking for?

    Does she ever read erotica or sex colums in newspapers/ magazines? If she does maybe you could have a look at those to see the type of thing she has seen. You never know, but she may also be looking for a way to open up to you. Afterall it is me (the one with the lower sex drive) and not my partner that is on this forum looking for ways to improve our sex life and increase my confidence etc.

    1423315035
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you considered showing her this thread? I know for some people that is massive no way. But maybe if she saw in black and white how much you want things to change she would open up a bit more and maybe she could point out if anyone is on the right track with how she feel.

    I really wish I could offer some really helpful amazing advice. I feel so sad when I read your posts because I think you feel how my ex-husband must have done, and all the answers you want from your wife I could never give my ex. So I really hope you can find a way to work this out with her, because I know how awful it is not knowing what is going on.

    Giid Luck x

    1423317706
    SensualFire [sign in to see picture]
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    When you have a chat and when yur in bed/having a sexual time together. Tell her you wont laugh at her or hurt her, if she chooses to talk about how she feels or what she wants/does not want, like/does not like.

    1423321218
    SadHubby [sign in to see picture]
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    LadyS wrote:

    Have you considered showing her this thread?

    I really wish I could offer some really helpful amazing advice. I feel so sad when I read your posts because I think you feel how my ex-husband must have done, and all the answers you want from your wife I could never give my ex.

    Giid Luck x

    LadyS, If she knew I'd been discussing this on here I probably wouldn't get any for the next 6 months! She would not be happy.

    Have you now got another partner that does things to you that your ex-husband never managed to..? That would be interesting to know.

    1423321777
    SadHubby [sign in to see picture]
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    LadyS wrote:

    Have you considered showing her this thread?

    I really wish I could offer some really helpful amazing advice. I feel so sad when I read your posts because I think you feel how my ex-husband must have done, and all the answers you want from your wife I could never give my ex.

    Giid Luck x

    LadyS, If she knew I'd been discussing this on here I probably wouldn't get any for the next 6 months! She would not be happy.

    Have you now got another partner that does things to you that your ex-husband never managed to..? That would be interesting to know.

    Penny91, at least you seem like you are trying to find what does it for you. i think evrybody has their thing that does it for them but my wife doesn't seem interested in even trying to find hers. I've suggested anal in the past, it was totally dismissed, no chance. It could be the thing she really likes, but won't even consider it. I'd try pretty much anyting to find what she liked but she won't even consider things.

    1423323178
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    SadHubby wrote:

    LadyS wrote:

    Have you considered showing her this thread?

    I really wish I could offer some really helpful amazing advice. I feel so sad when I read your posts because I think you feel how my ex-husband must have done, and all the answers you want from your wife I could never give my ex.

    Giid Luck x

    LadyS, If she knew I'd been discussing this on here I probably wouldn't get any for the next 6 months! She would not be happy.

    Have you now got another partner that does things to you that your ex-husband never managed to..? That would be interesting to know.

    I have yes, everything has fallen into place in terms of me finding myself sexually. It's really sad but myself and my partner just weren't compatible. No matter how I tried and I did, I could never find the right words to express myself. I was always awkward and embarassed.

    He never really did anything wrong, he did try to encourage me, but I could never be myself with him. I even wrote erotica, so he knew exactly what was going on in my mind, but still I couldn't bring it to the bedroom. Even when he did know what I wanted and tried to do it for me I just wasn't comfortable enough around him to let go of my inhibitions x

    1423330879
    The_Cuboner [sign in to see picture]
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    It sounds like you're doing a lot of things right at the moment and you know what needs to happen which is great :) She does sound very similar to the way I am (shy/bad at giving feedback and quiet when I actually do orgasm) so if you want her to open up to you, a gentle approach is best. I really do reccommend talking to her right before you go to sleep when the lights are off as this might make her feel more comfortable. Aside from that, it's difficult to say how you should ask her exactly. The important thing is to not make it feel like an attack (which can happen far more easily than you think, especially if she's defensive about it anyway) so avoid making it seem like a problem. Make it very clear that you aren't happy if she doesn't enjoy herself. For a long time I didn't share with my boyfriend because he seemed to be happy enough and I felt like it was my problem. It was only when I realised he only enjoyed sex properly if I was enjoying it that I started to accept the idea my needs were important too. This sounds ridiculous to me now but it can easily happen.

    Another important thing to stress to her is that you don't mind if she doesn't know exactly what she wants. Another reason I didn't share is because all I could tell him at first was what I didn't want and that felt too negative/criticising. Telling her this kind of feedback is okay might help her open up and you can discover what she really likes together. Remember, any criticism she does give likely isn't a personal attack on you-it just doesn't happen to do it for her

    1423400393
    lou2 [sign in to see picture]
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    I lost my sex drive completely after having my second child and it lasted almost a year. Have no idea why even though it did eventually return. I just felt that I was unattractive and couldn't understand why oh would still want me and no matter what he said or did he couldn't convince me otherwise. Used to actually shudder at times when he touched me. Like I said we did talk about it but didn't help Only had sex when I felt that I had to. He bought me thinking did the housework helped with the kids ect nothing helped. I think in the end I just became happier with myself the little comments helped for example don't put your hair up I like playing with it when watching tv. Little things like that then lead to just cuddles on the sofa whilst watching tv ect and quick cuddles whilst washing up ect which didn't lead to anything. Helped me get my sex drive back by making me feel wanted. If you want to make it work and are prepared to put the effort in you can make it better will not happen overnight but we are still together nearly 15 year later we got married 10 years ago and now my sex drive is higher than my oh.

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