• Advice needed

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    delightme [sign in to see picture]
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    Well I had been looking forward to a very racey evening with OH, bought some new toys, donned a sexy outfit got my whip out (used once on him before) and wanted to get all kinky with him and he couldn't get it up for longer thatn 5 mins. I tried a BJ and there was silence I was so embrarrassed he said he wanted it but obviously didn't I just feel really humiliated to be honest and now I don't even want to have sex with him. Don't know how to move on from this, we have only just delved into the kinky side but he said he was up for it. I've been making excuses not to go to bed at the same time just so I don't even have to go there in case he wants to. He is very reserved where as I am happy to watch porn, talk about sex and stuff like that, he won't .

    Not sure what to do.

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    JuicyJ89 [sign in to see picture]
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    He's probably just nervous, my hubby is like it too. I like to start off less kinky and get him all pent up and then BAM spanky stuff :) It almost always works. Don't feel embarrassed at all, if it helps I would talk to him x

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    Raven93 [sign in to see picture]
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    Two things could have happened, one he wasn't really in the mood etc, or two, he genuinely wanted to but for whatever reason just couldn't get hard. He was likely just as, if not more embarassed about it (not being able to perform can be a big mental issue for men).

    You should really talk to him about it, not in an argumentive way or anything, just have a calm talk about it and try to understand he probably has no idea your upset. Communication is the key really, if neither of you know the other is having a problem then nothing can be done about it, if nothing is done then it effects the relationship. Just try not too overthink it all too much.

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    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    It was maybe just a bit too much pressure for him, having everything come out at once. I know how humiliating it is to be shot down, but you have to just move on. As the saying goes, 'when you fall off the horse, get straight back on'. Maybe not the exact wording, but the point is the same; you have to just get back in there or you'll turn it into a serious mental/physical block.

    You can't overthink it to the point of never wanting sex with him again, otherwise you're pretty much just giving up on your sexual relationship because he shot you down one night. He may just not have been in the mood. It happens! Especially when things are in any way planned. He hasn't suddenly ceased to be attracted to you, and making a one night failure to get it up a big deal can deeply affect him.

    At this point it is probably best to just go back to basics and have some very vanilla fun to ease both of you back into things. Then see about slowly bringing in the kink. Be wary of ramping things up just because he says he is up for it, it's how he acts that you should really pay attention to. It really has to be at his pace given that he is the reserved one, so humiliating as it was I think you should just chalk this reaction down to 'he wasn't ready'. Perhaps a discussion, if you think it could happen without either of you clamming up or becoming accusatory of the other (this obviously depends exactly how reserved he is with talking things through). Let him know you understand if he felt it was a bit much, but you feel really humiliated about it and it's knocked your confidence to make any further moves. Hopefully he will open up to you in return.

    I'm not getting at you for trying to spice things up, btw. It's just quite common for people to get overexcited when they get permission to add things in, and as a result they scare the partner off a little by adding in just a bit too much at once!

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    Kitty_Blossom [sign in to see picture]
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    Lovebirds_x wrote:

    It was maybe just a bit too much pressure for him, having everything come out at once. I know how humiliating it is to be shot down, but you have to just move on. As the saying goes, 'when you fall off the horse, get straight back on'. Maybe not the exact wording, but the point is the same; you have to just get back in there or you'll turn it into a serious mental/physical block.

    You can't overthink it to the point of never wanting sex with him again, otherwise you're pretty much just giving up on your sexual relationship because he shot you down one night. He may just not have been in the mood. It happens! Especially when things are in any way planned. He hasn't suddenly ceased to be attracted to you, and making a one night failure to get it up a big deal can deeply affect him.

    At this point it is probably best to just go back to basics and have some very vanilla fun to ease both of you back into things. Then see about slowly bringing in the kink. Be wary of ramping things up just because he says he is up for it, it's how he acts that you should really pay attention to. It really has to be at his pace given that he is the reserved one, so humiliating as it was I think you should just chalk this reaction down to 'he wasn't ready'. Perhaps a discussion, if you think it could happen without either of you clamming up or becoming accusatory of the other (this obviously depends exactly how reserved he is with talking things through). Let him know you understand if he felt it was a bit much, but you feel really humiliated about it and it's knocked your confidence to make any further moves. Hopefully he will open up to you in return.

    I'm not getting at you for trying to spice things up, btw. It's just quite common for people to get overexcited when they get permission to add things in, and as a result they scare the partner off a little by adding in just a bit too much at once!

    +1 My thoughts too!

    Try not to punish him for what his body can not help. I'm sometimes in the mood but i do not produce enough natural lubrication as my body can tense up. Doesn't mean i do not want to. Unfortunately for men, they can't just apply a magic serum to aid erection. Communicate and empathise, as i say... it is natural :)

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Sometimes they can't, stress, not in the mood, tired, there are a million reasons. Blaming him will only make it worse, if he's upset about this and you've reacted this way then it'll put even more pressure on him to not fail you. So what he didn't get it up, just try again tomorrow. And apologies for the way you acted, you've probably really hurt him.

    From what I've read of your other posts you put a lot of pressure on this man and are very much pushing what you want. I think maybe you need to take a step back as well and actually ask him what he want, when you ask him for something rather than listening to his words, it's likely he'll go along with it just to make you happy, listen to his body language. If he's not comfortable he's not going to get an erection, and if you put pressure on him then he won't get an erection. I think you guys really need to talk not about what you want, because I think you make that clear to him and have the strength to ask for what you want, but what he wants and what he doesn't want, and if it turns out he doesn't want kinky sex then you need to respect that I'm sorry if that comes across harsh but you need to help him to help yourself
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    Just Jenson [sign in to see picture]
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    I would suggest putting the kink on hold, as others have said here already, and go back to basics.

    Go on a date night to a restaurant, or go to the theatre or whatever floats your bat - even if its somethign like go karting or paintballing.

    Have a 'first' date and dont put any pressure for it to be sexual. Just enjoy each others company and let the magic come back naturally.

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    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    Communication is the key................talk to him! Avoiding sexual situations will only eventually make him feel worse.

    Many things can cause a man to not fully rise to the occasion, nerves, shame etc. You need to find out what it is, maybe he just felt overwhelmed but he deserves to be listened too.

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    delightme [sign in to see picture]
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    Thanks everyone, he is not easy to talk to as he is so shy. I will back right off and go vanilla. I really did want to spice things up we've been married a long time and sex can get stale. Having children makes it difficult and we finally got a babysitter for that night like you say with him being so reserved he was probably overwhelmed and embarrassed. Young and fun you are right it is not harsh. We'll go back to the way things were.

    Thanks everyone for replying.

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    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    Maybe a night away might help, seeing as valentines is approaching ;) It maybe that he finds it hard to go kink, whilst in the home the kids are in.

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    delightme [sign in to see picture]
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    Blueeyes82 wrote:

    Maybe a night away might help, seeing as valentines is approaching ;) It maybe that he finds it hard to go kink, whilst in the home the kids are in.

    I think I just got caught up with being extremely turned on by what I wanted and like people have said not really watched his body reactions. Although we have dabbled a little and he was turned on then. We have done a little at home but probably more to me than me to him. We don't tend to do that sort of thing on the occasional visit to hotels.

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    fundo [sign in to see picture]
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    having had that problem on the rare occasion i can honestly say that he more than likly feels terrible even more so if your avoiding bedtime lol. sometimes its a case of your up for it but the flag just wont fly for long so to speak. as you said just dial down the kink for a little and everything should be fine. also it could be a problem if one of you has a bigger sex drive than the other.

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    frisk69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Can't agree more. This has happened to me on occasions with my wife.

    Most often when I really really really wanted to. The excitement in your head can sometimes be too much and once it goes off the boil, that's it!

    Don't take it personally... have a laugh about it, and try again.... good luck!

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    delightme [sign in to see picture]
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    frisk69 wrote:

    Can't agree more. This has happened to me on occasions with my wife.

    Most often when I really really really wanted to. The excitement in your head can sometimes be too much and once it goes off the boil, that's it!

    Don't take it personally... have a laugh about it, and try again.... good luck!

    We've got it going on again :) Thank you, we did have a bit of a chat he instigated the it, he said he didn't know why it happened he did really want to do it. I did say if he doesn't enjoy it then he neeeds to tell me. I don't think we will plan it though, we will just go with the flow so to speak.

    Thanks again everyone for the advice.

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