• help

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    lou2 [sign in to see picture]
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    This is my first post every. Don't even know if in correct place but need help and have been reading posts and buying from lovehoney for years.

    Here goes

    I am Married and have been for 10 years. Though we were happy until Saturday morning.

    I went out on Friday night to eventually get back home Saturday morning (long story let down by lift)

    To find oh phone on my side of bed with with no password on which is unusual so I opened it. Went to th messenger could see that message were from a woman but I did read them so wish now I had. Just closed it and put on table and went to bed.

    I woke up about a hour later and tried to look but couldn't get back on to it don't know his th password but could see he had been texting someone all night who's number I did recognise so saved that number to my phone.

    He then woke up and was frantically trying to find his GLASSES looking under pillows bed ext. Told him I hadn't see them but his phone was on table went back to sleep and when I eventually got up phone still there but password back on.

    Wanted to confront him but admit I was frightened he was weird all day did eventually confront and he told me someone who he had been talking to had got his number of profile and started texting him he was drunk and replayed but had told her to stop as he was married. Thing is that he sent 10 texts and he deleted them all after and he will not talk to me about it just keeps shouting at me saying I am accusing him of have a affair. He has admitted he is not happy but will not tell me why or what I can do to change this. Help what do you think

    1421746818
    Subdom27 [sign in to see picture]
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    Well done for confronting him. My first question would be - why delete the messages when you have nothing to hide? If someone text me like that out of the blue, I'd tell them that I wasn't interested and show my wife as soon as I could. It sounds a little fishy to me.

    If you're brave enough, you could always call the number. Find out who it is and maybe get the other side of the story?

    1421747371
    GlamRockChick [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi so sorry you're having a tough time. I agree with everything Subdom has said. If it was innocent why delete the messages? His attitude sounds defensive to me, and it doesn't take 10 messages to tell someone to go away.
    You could call the number and find out what is happening but be prepared that it may not be what you want to hear.
    I hope you get it sorted!

    1421747458
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Bless you *big hugs*

    I think you definitely need to sit down and have a conversation about everything you have going on. Even without the phone business, if he has admitted to not being happy he owes you a reason as to why. But he is clearly on the defensive and that is obviously ringing alarm bells for you.

    I don't think you can find a resolution all by yourself though. It needs to be a two way street. Maybe try a softer approach, make a nice dinner, tell him you love him and really want him to be happy, but for that to happen he needs to let you in and tell you what's wrong.

    Good luck and I really hope you manage to sort things out x

    1421748365
    Subdom27 [sign in to see picture]
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    Great advice, LadyS 😊

    1421748644
    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    LadyS wrote:

    Bless you *big hugs*

    I think you definitely need to sit down and have a conversation about everything you have going on. Even without the phone business, if he has admitted to not being happy he owes you a reason as to why. But he is clearly on the defensive and that is obviously ringing alarm bells for you.

    I don't think you can find a resolution all by yourself though. It needs to be a two way street. Maybe try a softer approach, make a nice dinner, tell him you love him and really want him to be happy, but for that to happen he needs to let you in and tell you what's wrong.

    Good luck and I really hope you manage to sort things out x

    +1 for this

    1421750443
    DreamOfTheEndless [sign in to see picture]
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    Honestly, my opinion is that he's been caught doing something he shouldn't and this 'I'm not happy' and his anger are probably both at least partly attempts to move focus from what he's done.

    You say you know the person, or recognise the number, and manage to read the messages at least the first time before his phone locked? Then only you can really decide how severe his actions are. I'd be bloody furious if my OH was doing anything like this and like LadyS says, you need to talk to him without allowing his displaced anger stopping you.

    1421751378
    Delboy1991 [sign in to see picture]
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    100% agree I'd call the number & then if he had been going behind your back I'd kick his bottom straight out that door x

    1421751720
    Nexus710 [sign in to see picture]
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    Talk to him about it. I know it is hard not to be confrontational but try. Me and my oh have an agreement that we are aloud to flirt, but we also have boundaries as to how far it can go. We recently just got over an argument because of a guy she was texting. I knew they were talking and it got to the stage she started turning her phone away from me. I too looked through the messages and it had gotten to the point where her was telling her he loved her. She said she hadn't told me because she was scared, and my initial reaction is what she was afraid of. After a couple of days we talked. We have been together for nine years and everything that we were unhappy about came out. She wasn't talking to him with intention of having an affair. She was getting the affection from him she was needing from me. The talk we had wasn't easy, but it has helped our relationship alot. I made sure to concentrate more on Why it went so far rather than the details of what happened. Now I know why I feel I can ensure it wont happen again. Same goes for her. I think flirting is healthy and makes you feel nice. But if it goes so far that you hide it from each other then there is a problem. I hope you get it sorted. Its hard though feeling your being punished for doing nothing wrong. Maybe write a letter and leave it for him if its easier for you to concentrate, and ask for a letter of response. Good luck. Xx

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    BF&GF [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with what others said about why delete something of you have nothing to hide?

    If anyone texts me and my girlfriend doesn't like it I simply explain that if I had something to hide then I wouldn't have kept it.

    As for him saying you're accusing him of having an affair, that's just him trying to flip the blame on you. He's done something wrong (even if It was only text a woman and then delete them), either way, he is in the wrong. Explain that he needs to be honest, otherwise it's completely rational of you to think what you currently are.

    And if he's unhappy then he needs to help fix it. Communication is key, he can't just say he's unhappy and then not tell you how it can be fixed, that's unfair and hypocritical.

    Anyway, hope it gets sorted out quickly, just talk with him to sort it out :)

    1421759098
    slinkykinky [sign in to see picture]
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    I think you are going to have to talk things through at some point whether he likes it or not or you're going to drive yourself mad wondering what has been going on. He has said he isn't happy, and you deserve to know why. It will no doubt be a difficult conversation, but it's one you need to have or it will all get dragged up again in the future. Good luck, I hope you manage to sort things out.

    1421759963
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Ask him if he wants stay in the marriage, he'll say yes, say well we need to talk because neither of us are happy, I want to make you happy and the only way we will get there is by talking, explain how you felt seeing that he'd texted a woman, and hint that you had read them "it was upsetting that you'd say those things to her" or "to see another woman talking to you like that" if he thinks you know nothing he'll stick with nothing happened, if he thinks you already know then he has no reason to lie. Explain that it doesn't have to end but as it is, it's not fair on you to go on not knowing whether it is something more, and his reaction has made you feel, 1. That he doesn't respect you're upset and 2. That there is more. It's important to stay incredibly calm if he start getting angry don't bite back, say that's this is really important to you and your marriage.

    there is no other way but to talk about it, and the longer you leave it the harder it will be, I also think it's fair to ask him to block her number, after texting her saying he doesn't want to talk to her anymore, and even to take his password off, not so you can spy, but it settles your mind knowing there's nothing hidden, even if you don't look. I wouldn't recomend ringing her as it's not something you want to discuss with her, but him, and I wouldn't recomend trying to snoop around for more information, you'll just get yourself het up.

    hope all goes well

    1421760480
    Anji44 [sign in to see picture]
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    I went through the exact same thing with my now ex...but I read them and I wrote them down too as the texts were very flirty.On one he said he was in the bath whilst he was texting this woman...I was disgusted. I confronted him and he said it was a friends wife and this was just banter...he even gave me the phone and said call her if you think this is more than flirting..I called his bluff and called her...to his utter shock. Found out he'd been the instigator and I kicked him out.

    To be honest I do believe we can fall out of love with someone and as an adult this should be talked about before straying.

    My advice would be to call the number and have a conversation... This is the only way you'll find out for sure what's going on. I wish you all the luck in the world...x

    1421762080
    LadyS [sign in to see picture]
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    Just a word of warning about phoning the number. If she is involved with your husband in anyway, and he knows you are suspicious she may well get a heads up that you might call. So it may not lead to you getting the truth out of her. Or she might back your husbands story up and if you still challenge him on it, he will likely say 'but you spoke to her she told you it was nothing' and then you are still left wondering why he's unhappy and if that really was the truth.

    So I would definitely try and speak to your husband first. Someone else mentioned a letter which can be a really useful thing to do. Especially if emotions are likely to get out of control x

    1421769025
    Anji44 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi Lady S....I never thought about the other person covering for the partner...good advice about writing the letter...encourage the man to write back too...may be easier for him if he's not a talker.

    1421829394
    lou2 [sign in to see picture]
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    Got him to talk to me last night told him he talked or I'd leave

    He is unhappy with himself not us. as in his words he is a #### as the person he was talking to online he thought was just a friend. On Saturday the messages started fine then got flirty so he told her to stop that he was married. She didn't stop as he was still online and the messages got filthy and I mean filthy but he ignored them and logged off.

    I know this as he hasn't deleted them so he let me read them.

    She then got his phone number off his profile I didn't think this is possible and rang him he didn't answer so she stated sending text. Which he did reply to tell he to stop apparently getting more and more desperate for her to. These are the ones he has deleted.

    He is really gutted with himself and has now deactivated his account and blocked her number on his phone. I have also checked his phone records as it is linked to mine and what he said does add up but I can only see sent not received. But have told him as I am staff can get a transcript of text messages. I. can't but he doesn't know that and he just told me good he wishes he hadn't deleted them so I could read them.

    He was also worried about how I would react as with stress I am under a work at min I am going for 0 to exploding in about 3 seconds even staff have said that to me just didn't realise I was doing it at home as well.

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    Nexus710 [sign in to see picture]
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    Aww, well done. Do you feel better? Now you can hint for massages as stress relief 😁. Maybe even have a long weekend away in a secluded log cabin, it will help you get away from stresses for a bit and have some much needed cuddles. X

    1422218142
    girlalive [sign in to see picture]
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    I've been going through nearly the same situation. My husband was cheating on me online for about a year, and I finally found proof and confronted him last month.

    At first he said he hadn't been happy for a long time and wanted a divorce. We sat and talked a little deeper and he told me honestly some of the things that I had done that made him unhappy.

    Now we're in couples counselling and we're doing much better. I've realized some of my flaws that I was oblivious to, and he's admitted some of his. (In my particular case, my husband is very closed off and uncommunicative, and we're pretty sure I'm an undiagnosed autistic, which led to all manner of misunderstandings and misinterpretations.)

    We're very happy now, and both working on our issues. But it took a long time to get here because we couldn't work any of this out until he finally admitted to the cheating and we started talking. The year or so that I suspected he was cheating, but he denied everything was pretty hellish. It'll be a while before I can completely trust him again, but we're working on it and things are looking up.

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