• Communication.

    1421106169
    Quin [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi all, I'm new to the whole forum thing so please bare with me.

    I've read a lot of posts that all seem to have the same answer and that is talking and communication with your wife/partner/OH/husband etc but my question and the problem I have is how do you start a conversation with or try to talk with someone that is at best reluctant to discuss anything intimate and at worst, dismisses any topic/situation/concern/request or issue as nothing to talk about and not a problem and if it/there is a problem then it's not them and has to be the other person being unreasonable because they want more than nothing or its your problem and lump it?

    Sorry, just needed a rant really.

    1421107087
    fairehlights [sign in to see picture]
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    I'll take the bullet on this one I guess, since I reel out ''communication'' as the solution to most things, mainly because it often bloody helps.

    The way I see it, if you can't sit down and discuss it, you sure as hell shouldn't be doing it.
    If you can't have a conversation about a serious (or non-serious, I guess) topic, you shouldn't be contemplating doing intimate and potentially damaging (mentally or physically) things with them.

    Now, I give leeway for genuine anxiety and stuff, me being mentally ill myself, but that just makes it all the more important.
    Bad sex can f*ck you up, bad relationships more so. If you can't communicate in a relationship, you shouldn't be in it.

    It's harsh, but *shrug*

    You have to be able to go ''Look, honey, I need to talk about X''
    Stand in front of the door if you have to. On the forum, we tend to only get one side of the situation so we do tend to be skewed in favour of the poster, but it shouldn't matter ''who's problem it is''.
    Couples need to be able to talk about shit, and if they can't, then they just need to put the ideas of certain practices out of their heads.

    Asking how best to communicate is a whole different matter, like asking for advice on setting a scene, approaching a sensitive topic gradually, or making something embarrassing easier, but....
    It comes down to it, if you can't communicate, I dunno what you've got.

    1421107399
    DavidB1986 [sign in to see picture]
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    I guess the best way entirely depends on what it is that you wish to communicate.

    If there is something sensitive, or something I just really can't find the words to actually physically say it, then i'll write it in a letter, or an email - just something that they can read in their own time. It allows them to deal with it in their own time/own way as well - sometimes things are just difficult or uncomfortable to talk about.

    Sometimes, after we've made love, is a good time to talk about things. We both become much more open and susceptive to new ideas etc.

    At the same time, you will find that some people are just unreasonable, and if any attempts to open a dialogue continuously fail for whatever reasons, then you need to stand back and assess the bigger picture.

    But it's true, communication is key.

    1421121626
    SensualFire [sign in to see picture]
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    I am kinda in the same predicamant and have some decisions to make

    Any way if they are not wanting to talk and are not open to discussion and change, no matter your attempts. Is the relationship going any where?

    I have had to ask that to my self today

    1421158501
    The_Cuboner [sign in to see picture]
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    Okay, by 'intimate' do you mean specifically sex stuff or relationship stuff more in general? And is their response an angry one (as your last sentence made it sound) or an embarassed/reluctant one?

    1421158808
    CutieCurious [sign in to see picture]
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    fairehlights wrote:

    I'll take the bullet on this one I guess, since I reel out ''communication'' as the solution to most things, mainly because it often bloody helps.

    The way I see it, if you can't sit down and discuss it, you sure as hell shouldn't be doing it.
    If you can't have a conversation about a serious (or non-serious, I guess) topic, you shouldn't be contemplating doing intimate and potentially damaging (mentally or physically) things with them.

    Now, I give leeway for genuine anxiety and stuff, me being mentally ill myself, but that just makes it all the more important.
    Bad sex can f*ck you up, bad relationships more so. If you can't communicate in a relationship, you shouldn't be in it.

    It's harsh, but *shrug*

    You have to be able to go ''Look, honey, I need to talk about X''
    Stand in front of the door if you have to. On the forum, we tend to only get one side of the situation so we do tend to be skewed in favour of the poster, but it shouldn't matter ''who's problem it is''.
    Couples need to be able to talk about shit, and if they can't, then they just need to put the ideas of certain practices out of their heads.

    Asking how best to communicate is a whole different matter, like asking for advice on setting a scene, approaching a sensitive topic gradually, or making something embarrassing easier, but....
    It comes down to it, if you can't communicate, I dunno what you've got.

    +1. Well said, fairehlights.

    1421159065
    MaximumCrash [sign in to see picture]
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    A small tip that I got from a uni lecturer and found helpful, have the conversation in a dark room (dark enough that you can't see each other). Something to do with not being able to see someone means there's less worry about judgment or something.

    It's worked for me in the past.

    1421174565
    Jrok [sign in to see picture]
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    I would say, having been there, that I would start with the issue of feeling like you can't be open with the one you love. I had been holding stuff in in my marraige for a while and finally just did it. I told her how I am always open for her feelings or thoughts without judging, but feel like I don't have the same freedom. I feel like no matter what we should be able to share and didn't feel like I could without being ridiculed. I had always felt that, by the way I was raised, that a man with 'feelings' was weak. I have always been a man amongst men and know that she needs that rock and to know that I would fight the world for her. I continued to tell her that I had been holding things in and felt like I just needed to finally get some stuff off of my chest with the key thing being able to speak openly. She responded amazingly and told me that she had always wanted me to share and that she hated that I was always a closed book. Since that day, nothing is out of bounds, though it has taken time to fully come arounder to that idea.

    The point my ramblings is just that no matter what, you need to feel like you can be honest, and that should be your opening request. Tell him that you want to be able to talk to him even if sometimes it is just as a sounding board. I wouldn't jump right into "oh, let's talk about sex". You need to make sure that he doesn't go on the defensive because the conversation ends there. Don't blame, explain. Ask him to share, take the opportunity to open those doors. Make him feel comfortable talking to you, and let him know that there are no boundaries. As soon as you tell him that something is crossing a line then he will regress. No matter what he says, understand. You don't have to agree but need to be able to look at something from his POV. This should be a give and take. The rest will come in time. Just remember that you should be happy and should never fear telling him what makes you happy. I guarantee that you will find some common ground and will be suprised at how often it is exactly what you want.

    Sorry for the length, I am done.

    1421176602
    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
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    All relationships, communication is the key. So you have to ask yourself this: If your partner is refusing to acknowledge that you have something serious about the relationship to discuss, is there really any decent grounds for a relationship there?

    Yes, I understand some people find it hard to talk about more sensitvie subjects but they shouldn't shot yu down at the first hurdle.

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