• Being a good sub

    fauchelevent [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    • Joined: 27 Oct 2014

    Hi all! My partner and I experiment with D/s dynamics and I really enjoy it, there's only one issue: when we do it and it gets more serious with verbal humiliation and belting, I always start to cry. I can take about two hits with the belt before I start to reach my pain threshold and even though I'm well aware that none of the demeaning and callous things he says are true, I start to cry everytime and he needs to stop it as soon as that happens because he can't continue if I'm crying.

    The thing is that I have no idea why I start to cry. I'm perfectly fine mentally and emotionally because I know that this is just D/s play and the cruel things don't reflect the relationship that we truly have. It's not even that I feel upset whilst it's happening because I don't, I feel really calm and just excited. But I cry every single time.

    Does anyone have the same problem or any ideas on how to stop this? Also general tips on your experiences of being a good sub would be useful!

    Grace1ess [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Major General
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    • Joined: 18 Dec 2012


    I would say if you are perfectly calm, excited and fine both emotionally and mentally then the tears are a reaction to what can be very intense stimuli ie pain and humiliation. It's no uncommon at all, I have had subs that would cry, some that wouldn't and just partners generally that would cry during love making because of the emotional intensity of the situation.

    What you could try is seperating the two, try the pain without the verbal humiliation and vice versa to discern which of the two is having the greater effect. You may find that one triggers it more than the other or perhaps both in combination are just so strong that tears is your reaction.

    Since you say you can take about two hits with a belt before hitting your pain threshold I would say it's probably a good idea to downgrade from the belt as it can be unforgiving, especially in the hands of someone who may not know their own strangth. Go with light spanking and develop your tolerance for pain over time. Doesn't take to long if done on a semi regular basis.

    Same for the verbal humiliation, start off small "naughty girl" etc as opposed to all out curing and belittling and build up. As you continue over time you will both be able to go further together without too much issue.

    Talk with your partner and a reassure him that crying is not necassarily and indication of you wanting the play to stop. Have a safeword in place! That way if you are crying and not using it he knows it is ok to continue.

    Scorpius12 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 6541
    • Joined: 18 Dec 2007

    Hi there,

    You ask in your title and in your question about being a good sub. My answer to this would be that you have to be true to yourself and know your limits. I agree with Grace1ess regarding downgrading the level that your Dom is using the belt and humiliation. Start slowly with other areas and build up until you feel comfortable and safe. I sometimes feel very emotional when in a scene with Mr Scorpius, but not always in the more intense ones, sometimes I just feel so overwhelmed by the freedom that I feel by having the D/s dynamic.

    Always have safe words or signals in place - safe words don’t mean that you don’t trust your partner. They are there to protect you both on a physical and emotional level. We personally use the traffic light system. GREEN to let Mr Scorpius know that I am comfortable to continue - especially during a new activity or something that is more daring.

    AMBER means ‘slow down’ or ‘I’m close to my limit’ and RED means ‘all play stops immediately’.

    The most important thing is that you feel safe. Honest communication between the Dom and sub will help you both to understand boundaries, fears & desires. Know each other’s limits and always respect them.

    A D/s relationship constantly evolves, tastes can change & boundaries can be pushed and explored. There are no rules, and the pain/humiliation aspect can be part of the experience or not, it all depends on what you feel comfortable with.

    There is so much to a D/s relationship. It’s the voluntary exchange of power that’s important to me – the quiet authority, wanting to please, giving myself to my partner. I can get so turned on just being told to ‘wait in a certain location’ for Mr Scorpius. I don’t know what’s about to happen and that building of anticipation that is as exciting as the physical or mental challenges that may follow. We do not have a 24/7 D/s relationship, but a certain ‘look’ or a few quiet words can instantly get me into ‘Sub Mode’ lol!

    It totally depends on your own personal dynamic. I always want to please Mr Scorpius and don’t like to fail at all. We do have certain ‘rules’ when we are in that space - like calling my him Sir after questions asked – presenting myself in certain ways, keeping quiet when asked to, being asked to hold something and not drop it while he teases and torments me etc. If I accidentally slip up – then of course I do get corrections. We also have what we call ‘cross-overs’ when we carry the dom/sub dynamic outside of the bedroom and into our everyday life. We do this on a weekend or when we have some free time.

    I am not a masochist but I do like a certain level of pain with my pleasure – which is within my limits of course – lol. Sometimes I am asked to take a certain amount of spanks/strikes/time with a flogger etc. and I love being challenged like that.

    For me personally, submission is a part of me that makes me feel grounded, balanced and safe :) xx

    Blueeyes82 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 1630
    • Joined: 19 Sep 2010

    By the sounds of it, the tears are just a normal pain reaction. You may need to start and work your way up.

    Try using a paddle instead and inbetween spankings, he should lightly run his fingers over your bum/back and thighs, it's like a pleasure pain experience and then work from there. As your body gets use to it, that stroking inbetween spanks, should set in motion that it's a pleasure thing and the tears will eventually stop.

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