• Trying to inject passion.

    1414166009
    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 30 Jan 2008

    Hi there.

    Apologies for posting again i have posted before.

    Is it normal for a woman to only orgasm from using toys and not want me to touch or give her oral.

    I have talked it through a lot with my other half be it us arguing or me saying i need to be able to at least touch her calmly and her turning her back on me and refusing to talk about it.

    She keeps saying give it time it may chnage. I now know that it wont. She will not touch me or use lube etc etc without a lot of pleading.

    We still have sex and often it is very good but i cant help feeling that she gets pleasure from her toys which i am sometimes allowed to use on her and i have to pleaure myself.

    The thing is that she has the most amazing touch and kisses are great too. She just does not wanrt to do it and does not like being kissed very often anywhere other than her lips.

    I want to feel like we can have at leat the occasional times where there are no boundries but she is sure that she will not engage in touching or oral of each other she finds it disgusting!!

    She gets more enjoyment out of books and tv and i feel there is nothing i can do for her. she says she enjoys kissing and the sex is fine but she has never been that bothered by sex. She will do it and sometimes she can be in the mood and amazing but this is rare she is often just tired or uninterested no matter what i try. romantic meals etc she doe snot like as she feels she is expected to do things and she may not be in the right mood. but waiting for her to be in the right mood is like trying to predict the weather!

    i suppose what i am saying is that i should just shut up and stop trying to get something she will never give and make do with what i get!

    1414166473
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    The problem is, the more you push, the more she'll resist. Try baby steps, massage oil and don't keep trying, let her do it when she's ready.

    i had a similar problem with orgasming, I didn't feel comfortable because my ex put so much pressure on trying to get me there I didn't want to, my OH basically said he wasn't bothered and I could relax and stop worrying about him trying to push me there that I actually did it.

    but honestly it sounds like she doesn't like oral, many people don't and you can't change that. And she doesn't have a high sex drive, which you also cant change.

    basically, accept that you can't change her and either find joy elsewhere in the relationship and she may change herself, or if it's really that big of a problem and is causing so much friction decide whether you really want to stay.

    sorry I couldn't be much help

    just an added bit, do you have any toys? Would she use a stroker on you?

    1414166671
    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
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    she probably would use toys on me. i have just bought her a majic wand vibrator maybe that we get her excited they are supposed to be quite good!!

    1414167909
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Buy yourself something, not a realistic one though, or ask her to buy you something. I doubt buying her more toys will help tbh

    1414168360
    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    Thing is, if you keep buying her toys you can't really complain when you are feeding into the problem of her not wanting to try any other form of intimacy, be it touching or sex. You have said in previous posts that she won't allow you to use the toys on her. Well, why don't you stand up and take the toys YOU bought off her and tell her she needs to be giving something back, be it letting you use the toys on her or actually giving you some physical attention. If she is in the mood to use a toy, she is in the mood to do something with you. She can't expect a relationship to continue indefinitely with only satisfying herself! Toys give mechanical, inpersonal orgasms and she needs to understand you should be involved more as you are her partner, not the sex toy!

    It could be she can only orgasm from toys. That's fine. She sounds like she has issues with physical contact. Again, fine. But she can't hide behind it and sit and read her books all the time, she needs to learn that this is a two way street and there will be times that your needs should be priority too. Have you asked her why exactly she won't touch you? You say she finds it disgusting, well sorry but you can't honsetly expect a relationship to blossom when you tell your partner you won't touch them because they are disgusting. That's just cruel and emotionally damaging! It sounds like she couldn't be bothered trying to give more back to you, and if she won't make an effort time won't magically change it for her.

    I think after this long it's time you took a bit more of a stand. Not by pushing her into it, just lay it down that it is NOT ok to orgasm over toys without you all the time and you expect her to come to YOU for satisfaction more often, even if that is you using a toy on her rather than having sex. Perhaps it's time to stop pleading with her and just go sort yourself out at her first refusal, buy yourself toys for a change and see how she likes it when the roles are reversed. Childish, perhaps, but something needs to get through to her that this is not how to work a relationship. Offer her the chance to use the toys on you, no touching involved she just has to hold a stoker. It could be a start in getting you both together in a physical sense? There is even a male stroker that fits on the end of wand vibrators, so you could take the chance of having just bought that to intoduce a 'toys are for both of us' policy?

    1414171960
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    • Posts: 2236
    • Joined: 18 Oct 2011

    Lovebirds_x wrote:

    Thing is, if you keep buying her toys you can't really complain when you are feeding into the problem of her not wanting to try any other form of intimacy, be it touching or sex. You have said in previous posts that she won't allow you to use the toys on her. Well, why don't you stand up and take the toys YOU bought off her and tell her she needs to be giving something back, be it letting you use the toys on her or actually giving you some physical attention. If she is in the mood to use a toy, she is in the mood to do something with you. She can't expect a relationship to continue indefinitely with only satisfying herself! Toys give mechanical, inpersonal orgasms and she needs to understand you should be involved more as you are her partner, not the sex toy!

    It could be she can only orgasm from toys. That's fine. She sounds like she has issues with physical contact. Again, fine. But she can't hide behind it and sit and read her books all the time, she needs to learn that this is a two way street and there will be times that your needs should be priority too. Have you asked her why exactly she won't touch you? You say she finds it disgusting, well sorry but you can't honsetly expect a relationship to blossom when you tell your partner you won't touch them because they are disgusting. That's just cruel and emotionally damaging! It sounds like she couldn't be bothered trying to give more back to you, and if she won't make an effort time won't magically change it for her.

    I think after this long it's time you took a bit more of a stand. Not by pushing her into it, just lay it down that it is NOT ok to orgasm over toys without you all the time and you expect her to come to YOU for satisfaction more often, even if that is you using a toy on her rather than having sex. Perhaps it's time to stop pleading with her and just go sort yourself out at her first refusal, buy yourself toys for a change and see how she likes it when the roles are reversed. Childish, perhaps, but something needs to get through to her that this is not how to work a relationship. Offer her the chance to use the toys on you, no touching involved she just has to hold a stoker. It could be a start in getting you both together in a physical sense? There is even a male stroker that fits on the end of wand vibrators, so you could take the chance of having just bought that to intoduce a 'toys are for both of us' policy?

    Although I see where you are coming from, I completely disagree with this solution, for one major reason; She isn't 5. You cannot 'punish' an adult woman by removing her ability to masturbate/receive pleasure just because she doesn't give you what you want. You could try, but I would expect your issues to get much worse afterwards.

    Also, you cannot hold threats over a partner like that. "Hey you...pleasure me how I want to be pleasured or I will take things away from you/punish you"...Just no. Especially when she has said she finds it disgusting. How would you like it if she said "No more sex for you until you do XZY" (XYZ being something you find utterly disgusting) Sorry but it really grinds my gears when people think they have any right to non-consensually deny somebody their basic, human right to please themselves as they wish.

    Clearly there is a big issue, but I will give you the simple answer: If she is happy as she is and doesn't see a problem, you won't change her. She might occasionally compromise or do something when in the mood, but it seems this is her basic sexual personality (for whatever reason). She hates doing certain things, has a low sex drive and doesn't see that as an issue. Unless she wants to change, she won't.

    This means the options are:

    1) Wait and hope she does want to change and eventually works on those issues because she wants to

    2) Stay, accept her as she is and find other ways to relieve yourself when aroused.

    3) If it is too much to bear, leave and find someone with a more compatible sex drive (Your issue is surprisingly common. Mismatched sex drives are one of the most common complaints in relationships)

    Of course, there is a 4th option; an affair, but I personally think that is abhorrent.

    Please remember though, you are not entitled to your partners vagina/mouth/hands/other. Sex should be a two-way, consensual, fun thing and if she doesn't want it, that's her choice. You should not then go about persuading her by using blackmail, bullying, threats or tit for tat responses.

    Would you even WANT to have loving sex with a partner knowing they were forcing themselves to do something they hated because you threatened them with punishment? Would that be enjoyable sex? I think not.

    You should definitely communicate though. Find out first of all if she things this is a problem; something she wishes she could change. If not, then it seems unlikely she will change and you then have to decide what to do to be happy yourself. It is a horrible situation to be in, but please don't drop to that level and remember you have a choice too. No one is forcing you to stay just as no one is forcing her to put out.

    Hope you get it sorted x

    1414172771
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
    • Posts: 2825
    • Joined: 6 Jun 2014

    Fluffbags wrote:

    Lovebirds_x wrote:

    Thing is, if you keep buying her toys you can't really complain when you are feeding into the problem of her not wanting to try any other form of intimacy, be it touching or sex. You have said in previous posts that she won't allow you to use the toys on her. Well, why don't you stand up and take the toys YOU bought off her and tell her she needs to be giving something back, be it letting you use the toys on her or actually giving you some physical attention. If she is in the mood to use a toy, she is in the mood to do something with you. She can't expect a relationship to continue indefinitely with only satisfying herself! Toys give mechanical, inpersonal orgasms and she needs to understand you should be involved more as you are her partner, not the sex toy!

    It could be she can only orgasm from toys. That's fine. She sounds like she has issues with physical contact. Again, fine. But she can't hide behind it and sit and read her books all the time, she needs to learn that this is a two way street and there will be times that your needs should be priority too. Have you asked her why exactly she won't touch you? You say she finds it disgusting, well sorry but you can't honsetly expect a relationship to blossom when you tell your partner you won't touch them because they are disgusting. That's just cruel and emotionally damaging! It sounds like she couldn't be bothered trying to give more back to you, and if she won't make an effort time won't magically change it for her.

    I think after this long it's time you took a bit more of a stand. Not by pushing her into it, just lay it down that it is NOT ok to orgasm over toys without you all the time and you expect her to come to YOU for satisfaction more often, even if that is you using a toy on her rather than having sex. Perhaps it's time to stop pleading with her and just go sort yourself out at her first refusal, buy yourself toys for a change and see how she likes it when the roles are reversed. Childish, perhaps, but something needs to get through to her that this is not how to work a relationship. Offer her the chance to use the toys on you, no touching involved she just has to hold a stoker. It could be a start in getting you both together in a physical sense? There is even a male stroker that fits on the end of wand vibrators, so you could take the chance of having just bought that to intoduce a 'toys are for both of us' policy?

    Although I see where you are coming from, I completely disagree with this solution, for one major reason; She isn't 5. You cannot 'punish' an adult woman by removing her ability to masturbate/receive pleasure just because she doesn't give you what you want. You could try, but I would expect your issues to get much worse afterwards.

    Also, you cannot hold threats over a partner like that. "Hey you...pleasure me how I want to be pleasured or I will take things away from you/punish you"...Just no. Especially when she has said she finds it disgusting. How would you like it if she said "No more sex for you until you do XZY" (XYZ being something you find utterly disgusting) Sorry but it really grinds my gears when people think they have any right to non-consensually deny somebody their basic, human right to please themselves as they wish.

    Clearly there is a big issue, but I will give you the simple answer: If she is happy as she is and doesn't see a problem, you won't change her. She might occasionally compromise or do something when in the mood, but it seems this is her basic sexual personality (for whatever reason). She hates doing certain things, has a low sex drive and doesn't see that as an issue. Unless she wants to change, she won't.

    This means the options are:

    1) Wait and hope she does want to change and eventually works on those issues because she wants to

    2) Stay, accept her as she is and find other ways to relieve yourself when aroused.

    3) If it is too much to bear, leave and find someone with a more compatible sex drive (Your issue is surprisingly common. Mismatched sex drives are one of the most common complaints in relationships)

    Of course, there is a 4th option; an affair, but I personally think that is abhorrent.

    Please remember though, you are not entitled to your partners vagina/mouth/hands/other. Sex should be a two-way, consensual, fun thing and if she doesn't want it, that's her choice. You should not then go about persuading her by using blackmail, bullying, threats or tit for tat responses.

    Would you even WANT to have loving sex with a partner knowing they were forcing themselves to do something they hated because you threatened them with punishment? Would that be enjoyable sex? I think not.

    You should definitely communicate though. Find out first of all if she things this is a problem; something she wishes she could change. If not, then it seems unlikely she will change and you then have to decide what to do to be happy yourself. It is a horrible situation to be in, but please don't drop to that level and remember you have a choice too. No one is forcing you to stay just as no one is forcing her to put out.

    Hope you get it sorted x

    +1 absolutely right

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