• Not much effort

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    Fitnessfreak [sign in to see picture]
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    If your oh used to make a effort in bedroom like looking nice or wearing sexy underwear and no longer does this should I be concerned?

    This really has been a while now maybe I should back off a bit for a while, I'm not sure... I did mention it once but it just caused a agruement so I have dropped it.

    I think sometimes its down to mix matched drives I guess but sometimes I feel like she feels I'm not worth the effort.

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    OUCH! Thank you ;) [sign in to see picture]
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    Have you been together long?

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    Fitnessfreak [sign in to see picture]
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    Yes very long time we have kids etc so it could be that too I guess being tired etc

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    its a confidence thing i think. either she doesnt have the confidence to feel sexy in lingerie anymore, or shes confident on her own skin and doesnt fel like she needs to make an effort. i dont really make much of an effort tbh because i thnik my man loves me how i am, every so often ill wear something sexy and i always ask him how he wants me to shave but id be insulted if he told me he wanted me to make more effort with my appearance. do you still make an effort? keep everything trimmed all the time and wear sexy new or at least clean underwear? cause i know my OH doesnt and i dont expect him to...well maybe the clean underwear bit!

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    OUCH! Thank you ;) [sign in to see picture]
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    I found that once I was well settled into my relationship I put in less effort for a few reasons. Obviously the main one is kids. You know it's tiring just having them, but we had a good few occasions where our son wandered into the room to find mammy in her pvc corset and nowt else. Instant passion killer to the point where I didn't see the point in dressing up.

    Another, as you mentioned, is the difference in sex drives. But for us, it was him who didn't make any effort as his drive is lower than mine. When he has a dip I just remind myself that we both find each other attractive but sometimes can't be arsed.

    The final, and probably worst reason is I took him for granted. I've recently come out of a phase where I felt that I didn't need to make an effort because my man is mine and he's not going anywhere. He thought I was indifferent to him but I wasn't, I was just comfortable and secure and that made me feel that I didn't need to squeeze my boobs into a corset or straighten my hair or layer my face with his fave make-up.

    I can see what you look like from your pic, I don't think for one minute she could look at you and not think you're worth the effort so it's very likely something simple.

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    Fitnessfreak [sign in to see picture]
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    Young and fun95 wrote:

    its a confidence thing i think. either she doesnt have the confidence to feel sexy in lingerie anymore, or shes confident on her own skin and doesnt fel like she needs to make an effort. i dont really make much of an effort tbh because i thnik my man loves me how i am, every so often ill wear something sexy and i always ask him how he wants me to shave but id be insulted if he told me he wanted me to make more effort with my appearance. do you still make an effort? keep everything trimmed all the time and wear sexy new or at least clean underwear? cause i know my OH doesnt and i dont expect him to...well maybe the clean underwear bit!

    Yea could be confidence bit to didnt think of that thank you, I alway compliement her as I know this was a issue after children.

    I didnt mean she should make a effort as in full make up etc, I just noticed a change in the last year or so, but I think the confidence one could be a big part thinking about it now.

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    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    I realize that as someone who has never had a partner I might be considered a way too foolish to reply, but I think there might be plenty of possible explanations - and they might not exactly mean that she does not want to please you any longer. I have noticed that loads of women (of varied ages, I have heard similar sentiments among girls who are roughly my age, and among my mum's friends) keep on telling their friends stuff like: "Nah, don't bother to dress up for your man, men don't give a damn about any frills or garters, they just want to have a quick shag, roll over and fall asleep. If you buy lingerie, just get what you like, your mann doesn't care about it anyway." It actually makes me wonder whether a) men really don't care much, or b) some women deliberately "advise" this to their "friends" (add a bit of venom and a pinch of irony to the word), wishing them to look... kind of plainish and not too appealing (because they look just the same all the time and that can be a bit boring in a long term relationship)/too lazy to make them effort, and potentially lose their partners. I sort of guess there might be something to both possibilities. Perhaps some "friend" may have been giving "advice" to your oh?

    In any case, you can try to hint - very subtly - that you actually love how beautiful she gets just for you. You could also go with her when she goes lingerie shopping and show a bit of interest in her purchases.

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    Fitnessfreak [sign in to see picture]
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    Briona87 wrote:

    In any case, you can try to hint - very subtly - that you actually love how beautiful she gets just for you. You could also go with her when she goes lingerie shopping and show a bit of interest in her purchases.

    I bought some underwear for her recently which she said she loves it when I do but she never wears it, I might be a little unfair as we can be tired with kids and life but sometimes I think its nice to make the effort with each other I try a lot myself even though it might not be so obvious for a man.

    My parents have the kids one night over the weekend so ill guess ill see then but I do think sometimes my sex drive is a little high so perhaps I should back off a tad too.

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    Fitnessfreak [sign in to see picture]
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    OUCH! Thank you ;) wrote:

    I can see what you look like from your pic, I don't think for one minute she could look at you and not think you're worth the effort so it's very likely something simple.

    Thanks, I can be insecure myself which dont help matters and I get parranoid, might be the time of the month for me as I have been down recently too and I tend to think to much into things.

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    Briona I think that comes from the idea that women think they try and men don't notice, like changing their hair style or wearing pretty nickers.

    Ff I think the fact that the last time you mentioned it it caused an argument suggests that it's a lack of confidence. Does she have many friends in the same boat? Sometimes that helps. And just reacting when you see her get undressed or in a new top or with a new hair style, the same you reacted when she was young and everything was still pointing up lol

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    DreamOfTheEndless [sign in to see picture]
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    It's the age-old question, isn't it?

    I have a similar problem and I have a similarly mismatched sex drive. The problem is getting your partner to get more involved without unknowingly pressuring them so much that they end up retreating.

    I wonder sometimes if it's not more hassle than its worth and, if you're getting some, why not leave well enough alone? It's difficult though. Seeming lack of interest can be hurtful.

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    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Caring for kids can surely be exhausting, I think it is really a wise idea to bring the topic up only when you have a bit of time for each other. The night when your parents have your kids over might be a fine opportunity to have a lovely, quite evening in (or to go out if you prefer, of course) - I guess a bit of a relaxing atmo, a bath or a massage (in other words, an opportunity you still care for her in a sensual way) might do wonders. Good luck!

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    Fitnessfreak [sign in to see picture]
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    Young and fun95 wrote:

    Does she have many friends in the same boat?

    Yea most likely, I must admit my own effort hasnt been the same either for last few weeks as in flirting or complimenting her becuase I feel its one sided but I guess thats wrong and I shouldnt do that.

    I'm normally the one the starts things off perhaps I shouldnt?

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    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    it probalby is a bit one sided if shes feeling down, but by bringing her back up you may start to get something back, hopefully a woman whos bee through it will give more insight but i imagine its quite frustrating when her body has changed so much and theres nothing she can do

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    Fitnessfreak [sign in to see picture]
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    I think I need to see how the weekend goes it might just be in my head as we have both been busy, I have been doing DIY or doing a lot in the gym so time together without the kids has been sparse.

    I think I need to pick my mood up too as I have been a moody bugger recently due to the above, ill try complimenting and flirting and just more effort really.

    Its difficult talking about this stuff with mates because its not the thing to do being a man, where I know my OH will openly talk to her friends about stuff.

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    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    Young and fun95 wrote:

    Briona I think that comes from the idea that women think they try and men don't notice, like changing their hair style or wearing pretty nickers.

    I think that is true in some cases (hopefully in most cases, because it is by far the "less sinister" possibility), it's basically what I said. I do know for sure, however, that some women really talk their "friends" into things that are likely to make them "less attractive" because they want to destroy their relationships - some women who are not quite... nice and who have had difficulties in their own relationships/who want to outshine their peers/who have recently broken up/who cannot find a partner can be quite manipulative and fairly evil. And other women sometimes listen to them, not realizing that these "friends" are not really honest and friendly.

    I have just pointed it out because some troubles within a relationships can actually be created by ill-meaning "friends" or acquaintances who delight in other people's troubles - and when one deals with problems, it is a good thing to think of various possibilities.

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    pinkanimal [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm guilty of this.

    I don't make much of an effort. And when I do he moans he doesn't see it for long. In not going to walk around the house in underwear! What if the kids come down?!

    But yes I do feel like I should make more of an effort. But I'm always so tired lol

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    Fitnessfreak [sign in to see picture]
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    pinkanimal wrote:

    I'm guilty of this.

    I don't make much of an effort. And when I do he moans he doesn't see it for long. In not going to walk around the house in underwear! What if the kids come down?!

    But yes I do feel like I should make more of an effort. But I'm always so tired lol

    Yea kids dont help she likes things to be spontaneous but this is impossible mostly with kids around.

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    blonde vixen13 [sign in to see picture]
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    I know that underwear is my hubby's favourite think but half the time in exhausted and just a can't be bothered making the effort. I still wear it, but maybe once every three or four times we have swx rather than every time like I used too.

    Pre kids all I wanted to do was get dressed up and have sex for hours. Nowadays all I want is to get to sleep before the baby wakes so in not exhausted on the school run the next day. I also don't feel as confident or as sexy since having kids. My body has changed and although my hubby still tells me he loves it in my head things will never be the same.

    Hopefully she will put the sexy kit back on soon, let her know how attractive you find her when she does wear it .

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    Fitnessfreak [sign in to see picture]
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    blonde vixen13 wrote:

    Pre kids all I wanted to do was get dressed up and have sex for hours. Nowadays all I want is to get to sleep.

    I think I know the feeling, rock and roll lifestyle with kids huh haha :)

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