• My Best friend...

    1407094547
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    I have been best friends with this guy for over 10 yrs. He's so good to me, sometimes he can be strange. But whereever there is a problem he always there to chat and when im down like i am at the moment he would take me out, and we get on well together.

    Thing is i know he fancies me, but i dont fancy him. I dont really know how to get it across. I have told him hes not my type. and i said how i always seem to pick the men who are you know what.

    If we went into a relationship and i tried (not thinking of going into any at the moment) it might spoil the friendship anyway as to be honest if i dont fancy him nothing is gonna happen in the bedroom.

    1407094746
    DreamOfTheEndless [sign in to see picture]
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    Has he actually said or done anything about fancying you during these ten years? I mean, is it a problem that he fancies you?

    1407094750
    Ghost Girl [sign in to see picture]
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    Amy you are in the process of ending a relationship, take some time out before even thinking about getting into another one. Keep this one a freindship because if the chemistry isn't there it isn't going to work and you lose a friend

    xGGx

    1407094954
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    Yeah he has said plenty of time ilke me and fancy me i know he wants to go out with me.

    Oh i definatly dont want a relationship for a while. I just want to know what to say to him cosi dont fancy him and it isnt gonna work.

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    DreamOfTheEndless [sign in to see picture]
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    i dont fancy him and it isnt gonna work.

    ---

    I'd say that to him. I'm still not sure why this is a problem. You said in your OP that you have let him know you're not interested. If he's still pushing it then you need to lose him as you would anyone who can't take no for an answer.

    If it's just an undercurrent of unrequited attraction bubbling away in the background of your platonic friendship and you can live with it, I don't see any sense in making waves.

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    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    Just tell him directly that you do not see him that way and see him as a friend only. If he is getting more pushy or romantic towards you every time you break up with a partner, then he is clearly another guy in your life who has no respect for your opinion.

    "I don't fancy you and do not want a relationship with you" should be accepted as that. Not "Okay, well I will continue to be as nice as possible to you in the hopes you eventually I will wear you down, or you feel bad and get with me. A friend does not hear your "no" and turn that into a "Well, let me wear you down and be so nice to you that eventually you feel so awkward and guilty you will consider it"

    Friends just "Go out" and friends are "There for each other" without it really needing to be said, because that is essentially friendship in a nutshell. In other words, so long as you are also there for him and invite him out and stuff too, you are participating your fair share in this friendship. If you do not do any of this and let him foot the bill every single time, or run to him when you need someone to lean on, but ignore him the rest of the time, you would be taking advantage of his feelings for you. On the other hand, if you do your fair share, then don't feel bad at all. It is not your fault he fancies you and you don't fancy him. You cannot control or change someone elses opinions. However if this unrequited lust hurts him or messes him up, then maybe you should both walk away, so he can move on?

    Best of luck x

    1407097774
    DreamOfTheEndless [sign in to see picture]
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    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zywIR_ZFLts

    As with so many things, Rock speaks the truth.

    1407098191
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    Thats true i do tend to ignore him sometimes. But i dont have anyone else to turn to when i need to talk. when we went out just for a chat etc after i split with the bf i felt good after that chat.

    1407100247
    Hampshire Hogg [sign in to see picture]
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    I had a long term best friend who was an older women, we were amazing friends, had a laugh together and shared everything.

    Then one night we ended up in bed together, I have to say that the Sex was amazing but it totally destroyed our friendship.

    Twelve years being best friends gone!

    Twenty five years later I have a best friend who I met on here.

    I won't be making the same mistake again, so although I know we both fancy each other we have set clear boundaries that we just will not cross.

    1407165644
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    i cant see us ending up in bed together to be honest ....

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    cherie [sign in to see picture]
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    Amykins wrote:

    i cant see us ending up in bed together to be honest ....

    I had a friend like this - I liked him as a good friend but would NEVER fancy him !!!!! I was sooo glad when he moved away x
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    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    cherie wrote:

    Amykins wrote:

    i cant see us ending up in bed together to be honest ....

    I had a friend like this - I liked him as a good friend but would NEVER fancy him !!!!! I was sooo glad when he moved away x

    Oh cherie, you're so lucky!

    1407182933
    Briona87 [sign in to see picture]
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    I would be quite careful, friendship of similar nature can easily turn... well... funny.

    I admit I am not the ideal person to discuss these kinds of problems with as I have never had any relationship yet but I do have an experience with a "friendship" that had gone fishy and eventually evaporated (and admittedly, I am quite glad it did, all things considering).

    A dull story ensues: I used to know this guy, originally through an online book club, who sort of enjoyed talking to me about books, movies, computer games and stuff like that, I was about sixteen initially with him being ten years older than myself. It turned into a friendship of a kind over the years and when I got older (say, early 20s for myself), we began to discuss what troubled us in the life and tried to give each other some sort of support when the other one was in a bit of trouble for one reason or another. He knew I was sort of lonely and constantly hoping to find a date (sadly enough, that never happened). I, on the other hand, knew he didn't look for an actual relationship, preferring to live a mostly unencumbered life that allowed him to spend his money exclusively on his hobbies and to find solitude any time he fancied it (which was quite often, him not being the most sociable person around). I eventually learned, however, that he was seeing an older woman (about 15 year older than himself) on a semi-regular basis, one who was supposedly unhappily married (but not wanting to get a divorce, preferring to cheat on her husband while enjoying some other benefits of the married life), who sometimes came to visit him (she apparently kept on telling her husband she was going on business trips). Even though I knew this, I kept on telling myself that this was no concern of mine and that - since I wanted nothing more of him than to discuss new sci-fi TV series and travel shows and to chat about troubles at school or work - I was not to be judgemental towards his sex life, though it involved secrecy, deceit and other aspects of adultery. A few years ago, the guy started hinting that although he didn't love me, he sort of fancied me and that he would like to add me into his no-attachment sex life routine, imlying that he didn't get it as often as he would like (since the aforementioned lover of his lived quite far away) and that since I had no sex life of my own, it would certainly be great for both of us... despite the fact he knew it very well that I was only longing for an actual relationship (not for "secret" sex sessions with no strings attached of the kind he wanted), for a bit of love and for commitment. I was kind of offended and sort of disgusted as I really didn't want anything of this sort. I told him quite politely that this was really not my cup of tea. Any friendship that seemed to have worked for eight years or so quickly evaporated after this discussion and I was left with sort of mixed feelings - had the guy (at least initially) actually enjoyed talking to me and being supportive to my school troubles, or had he been just trying to groom me (an overweight girl with ehm... very limited dating opportunities) into a live toy for casual, unattached sex? I don't know.

    I don't actually think about it very much these days but this problem of yours has sort of reminded me of this experience. You should clearly voice what are YOUR priorities - if he doesn't accept that you have no desire to date him/sleep with him/whatever, he does NOT actually care about you that much, he is only trying to achieve HIS goal without taking into acount what do you actually wish for, I think...

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