• Get him a gift or not?

    1407076590
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi all,

    Well its been a long time since ive been on here.

    I was wondering if anyone could give me some advice?

    I have been seeing this guy for about 5 months. I've been in quite a few relationships, but this one is the best ive ever been in! Sex has been great we were seeing each other twice or three times a week. We live about hal f an hours drive away from each other. As i dont drive, he didnt mind coming up for me rather than me catch the bus.

    Now all of a sudden, he has decided that its seemed to have been all one sided. I've before a few times have offered to go on the bus or say i give some money towards petrol. He's worried about money as he plans to do a lot of motorbike racing next year and he hasnt been able to do it the past few years. I have said if you give me a chance, i will show you that i will keep to my promises and give you money for petrol sometimes and go by bus. Another problem is that i live with my parents and my mum doesnt believe he should sleep in my bed, alothough i sleep in his.But he hasnt given me proper answers! And as i suffer from anxiety, i once called him everything under the sun! and i apologised. And then he said he's got no feelings for me.

    I find that hard to believe, we use to text all through the day everyday etc, say we love each other. I don't know whats changed. and when he was worried about it all he was crying down the phone to me saying i dunno's. I dont think hes got another girl as hes not the type and only had one girlfriend before me. But i think its just his parents as when i was at his i heard his mum saying something 'you cant afford it'. He's 27 yrs of age for goodness sake! We have had a conversation after a few days of me not texting him so i gave him breathing space. i asked him would you like to meet and chat, and he said not just yet..so thats not really a no. Then i gave it another few days to say hi how are you, and no answer.

    Going to work has helped me, but this morning i woke up crying and shaking with this anxiety. even work can see im not right. Just as well dr has given me chill pills!

    So about me sending him a gift, not sure if i should. I know there is something that he been looking for for a while. But i thought maybe sending him a gift will be better than just phoning and texting show him that im not so selfish as he thinks. But there again he might think im a bit stalkerish and if he dont reply i might feel worse? But if i dont get a reply i should just know to leave it at that. It be like a man sending a woman flowers init.

    Its been about 2 weeks since the start of the arguement. I asked him if he gonna dump me say so and do it preferably to my face but he hasnt even done that. Not sure how much longer i can wait before i go potty and call him things again! I need to talk to him as i can say he can sleep on the bedroom floor like he suggested (i didnt really like the idea) but it might mean break from his parents and his parents wanna break from him too. and say the fact he has been the best boyfriend so far and that hes not all them things i had called him at all, he just dont know what he wants.

    Thats probably a lot to read there, sorry and thanks for listening!

    1407076957
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    Forgot to say that we also take turns in paying for dates, expensive and the not so expensive.

    1407077506
    SR36 [sign in to see picture]
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    Dare I say it, but you don't sound very happy with this guy. I wouldn't buy him a gift, I would tell him that you're through with playing games and just want a clear and honest answer about what he feels for you.

    It might hurt like hell, but if he isn't willing to communicate openly, do you really want to be with him?

    1407077704
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    I have been really happy with him until all this came out. I just wish we could speak so we can sort it asap. i cant stop thinking about him im just postive if he gives me a chance then we should be ok. He might be different, but to be honest most of my exs want me back. But ive said no to all of them. Im just scared he come back in a few months time and say i miss you etc, and then i would be the bad guy in not taking him back.

    1407077966
    MonsPiper [sign in to see picture]
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    Personally I don't think gift buying is the answer here.

    A proper chat to find out what's got him acting so differently is first priority. If he's not willing to do that, you will have to take control and tell him that enough is enough and dare I say it, end the relationship as you can't be left hanging for an unknown period while he does whatever and not letting you know anything.

    At 27 he should be old enough to not be playing games with peoples feelings.

    1407078398
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    i think I will try and give him another week and then decide then if to contact him and ask if he wants to chat again, its so hard waiting with this anxiety and with him not being in my life its also very hard as we talked to each other everday and now i feel so lonely and miss him....

    1407080793
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    i had this happen once, deffinately dont buy him a gift thats for sure. he's 27 and needs to grow up, i doubt your relationship is one sided, perhaps leaning on one side more than the other but many relationships do that, you do as much as you can. no realtionship is perfectly ballanced, one allways earns and pays for more, one always cooks more. it seems like hes gotten a bit bored and doesnt want to put as much effort in anymore. its a tough thing to come to terms with and took me a few months, my ex split up with me over text i said 'so do you just want to break up?' after him avoiding me for two weeks and he replied 'yes'

    i hate to say it but dont get your hopes up too much, but you need to speak face to face, when you live with your parents reationships are hard, good luck

    1407081608
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    I practically asked him that with the if you are gonna dump me dump me. But there was no answer. I asked him on the phone if he loves me, all he had to say is no but all i got is 'i dunno'. Sounds as if hes scared of something to be honest.

    1407082080
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    how do i get him to chat face to face?

    1407082425
    Ghost Girl [sign in to see picture]
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    Amy tell him you need to talk to him and ask him to meet you somewhere neutral where you can talk - if he makes excuses not to do that I'm sorry hun but I would say cut your losses and move on.

    xGGx

    1407083026
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    you shouldnt have to force him to chat face to face, he should want to sort it out, tell him to be a man and deal with his problems? if he keeps trying to avoid you i feel like hes trying to make thinks easy on himself and get you to break it off. tell him you dont have to sit around and wait him to be bothered to talk to you.

    ive been in a very similar situation with similar problems, i had depression and attached myself to him the more he pushed me away. just be strong and take the lead. 'you either grow a pair and talk to me about this so we can sort it out or ill find someone that cares enough to make an effort'

    sorry hun, this may not be easy

    1407083908
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    My opinion, just going on what you have said so far, is this (I don't think you are going to like it, but this is my opinion):

    He doesn't want to be with you, but is scared of confrontation, so is hoping he can just ignore you until you vanish quietly without him ever having to have the "awkward chat" he is actively trying to avoid.

    Sorry Amy, but look at it this way; you asked if he loved you, he said "dunno" you asked if he wants to break up with you and he said nothing at all. (Enough said imo) He is barely talking to you or replying to your messages. This does NOT sound like a person who is interested anymore, but is hoping you will go away quietly, rather than "make a fuss" This is the impression I get from everything you said.

    Now, in saying that, if two weeks ago he was Mr Perfect and then you had a big arguement and he suddenly changed, it could be that he is a very very stubborn man who feels "wronged" by whatever the arguement was about and refuses to aknowledge you until you go begging and crawling, making him every promise and making all the changes yourself.

    In either case Amy, is this the man you really want to be with? One who runs away from confrontation, one who cannot respect you enough after 5 months to communicate with you and stop keeping you hanging on...waiting...while he decides what he wants to do, while he decides if he loves you enough to reply to a text?

    Of course he will contact you in a few months and say he misses you if you have moved on, met someone else and look happy. This is quite a common occurance with manipulative people. "I don't want you that much, but nor do I want you to be happy with anyone else. I want you dangling on a string waiting until I'm in the mood for sex or I need someone to go out with"

    Maybe this sounds a bit harsh and I am only basing this on your comments here and so I know things are much deeper and more complex than the above. I just wanted to give you an alternative opinion and to try and make you realise that YOU deserve to be happy and YOU deserve to be respected and treated nicely. Okay, you may have made some mistakes, but you apologised (and we ALL make mistakes, including him) so don't feel like you need to grovel in the dirt just for the slightest contact from him. I would recommend holding your head up high and thinking "Well jeez, he can't even decide if he loves me...Ha! Goodbye Mr! I deserve better"

    Buy him a gift? I wouldn't. I'd buy YOURSELF a damn big gift and spoil yourself rotten. x

    1407090958
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you guys, i asked him if he could talk cos i need to talk whichever way it goes and can we meet. The reply was 'talk about what'.

    so i said why you know with the anxiety and how i was this morning and if he agrees to talk i would stop bugging him cos of the closure.

    Again No reply, so i sent him...

    you say you may not be the right person for me with the way you are, but if you are gonna act like this you are not gonna be the 1 for anyone anyway unless they're muppets. 27 you are i said grow up and grow a pair you need to. Face problems and talk. I dont wanna speak to a child like. I dunno whats changed but weve had so many good times. Ive been trying to understand you but its like talking to a dummy!

    still no reply yet though.....

    1407093167
    Ghost Girl [sign in to see picture]
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    Amy hun well done so far, if he doesn't reply send him one more to say goodbye and take Fluffbag's advice about spoiling yourself

    xGGx

    1407094095
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    Thank you. Yeah afterall Im not gonna be going on dates for a while so will have a bit to spend.

    Ill give it a little time and then send the goodbye text x

    1407146302
    Kittyondrugz [sign in to see picture]
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    Yup..didn't seem like a great relationship to me.

    1407148122
    Delboy1991 [sign in to see picture]
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    I personally wouldn't be buying no gifts! Sounds like a jerk who's trying to have it all. Simply not possible. Especially not by dragging you down too!

    Go have fun, find someone who treats you like a princess! Sounds like you deserve it x

    1407165368
    Amykins [sign in to see picture]
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    He was treating me like a princess, taking me out and that and we did take turns paying for dates. All of a sudden he just turned like this :-/

    I had a reply off him, he said...

    Ive changed, i realised you were taking advantage of me like you said. i want you to find someone else and move on.

    I did once say i took advantage cos i didnt know what to say when he was picking me up all the time even though i said a few times i catch the bus and he was like no no i come get you.

    1407184825
    mnms [sign in to see picture]
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    I had a relationship with a guy like this. If I wasn't behaving on his terms (not being happy, needing reassurance etc) then it would cause an argument and he would make me feel awful about how I was affecting the relationship with my emotions. He would always want alone time and would refuse to text me or talk to me about our problems. Ironically I was the one always travelling to see him though!

    Eventually I went to stay and was really trying to make things better, but I found a text on his phone to another girl saying he wanted someone like her instead of me. Needless to say we broke up there and then!

    However, you will find someone who is so much more worthwhile! We shouldn't waste our time with pathetic people who have no idea what they want, who can't support another human emotionally and who refuse to address problems head on. His last text seems very rude to me saying he 'realised you were taking advantage' when you most likely weren't, it was probably just easier for him to come to you and you fell into that pattern.

    You are better off without I bet! :)

    1407187176
    VirginAngel [sign in to see picture]
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    Honestly, i think he has a right to be hurt and feel taken advantage of. Even in the latest text you sent him you've made some pretty nasty comments, pretty much calling him a child and that nobody will want to be with him unless they're stupid, basically. Yes, you have anxiety issues, but you've actually been really abusive to this poor guy, in your first post you said you've called him all names under the sun, i've been with someone who has done that in the heat of an arguement and those mean words stick, no matter how many times you say you didn't mean them afterwards. You also seem pretty easily talked out of travelling to him, i personally would have insisted on making the journey and havin a 50-50 equal relationship. Yes, he should have been mor clear with his texts, but it honestly sounds to me like you're the one whos treated him really badly, not the other way around.

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