• Should I be offended??

    1407064922
    misshighmaintainancev.69 [sign in to see picture]
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    Hi, just want some advice really...probably u men might b the better judge as u KNOW for fact how u guys works physically & emotionally!!??
    I NEED to know...if you've been having foreplay with your OH & it's really steamy & full on etc, would u naturally always be rock hard & raring to go?? Or can you guys still be totally aroused & turned on but still semi or soft??
    Every now & again, we turn to sex after a good horny fumble & foreplay session & my hubby is still soft, this completely offends me & I get upset & think it's not been good for him & he's not aroused by me??
    There's plenty of other times when we can just have a steamy kiss & he's rock hard in his jeans!!!!
    PLEASE HELP & PLEASE be completely honest, don't be nice just to save my feelings :) thanks in advance guys x

    1407067666
    scarab9 [sign in to see picture]
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    could be any number of things, but definitely don't be offended. There's a bit of a common mistake to think "women are really complicated and guys need to go to great length to appreciate that......but men are just base animals". Men have emotions, stress, insecurity etc too.

    And it's quite likely he's more self concious worrying about what you're thinking than about the problem itself which will make things worse.

    Talk to him. It may just be his mind is caught up in other things like work stress or family stuff or something and he's struggling to let go and enjoy the moment. Or it could be something betweent he two of you that's bugging him, or it could be a medical issue, but most likely it's the former. You won't know unless you ask.

    Just don't accuse. It's not something he's doing wrong and it's not what I'd say is something 'wrong' with him. Approach it as seeing if he's ok and if there's anything he wants to talk about.

    1407068446
    M&A [sign in to see picture]
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    Firstly don't be offended that your OH is not getting erect.

    Sounds like he is getting turned on and your most definately being aroused by his touch. Guys do tend to have there days where things don't always work but that doesn't stop him loving you.

    Is he of that certain age where he may need a check up. Erectile dysfunction can have many causes some of which are not serious to his health but none the less its better to be safe than sorry.

    1407068968
    Sum Sub [sign in to see picture]
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    Through extended foreplay sessions I go through various stages ranging from completely flaccid to swollen and dripping, and back again.
    It is entirely possible to be aroused without "showing" it.
    Look for other signs like breathing, eye dilation, tone of voice, increased sensitivity elsewhere...

    1407069147
    DavidB1986 [sign in to see picture]
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    I agree with Sub.

    But everyone is different. Generally, if things start to get frisky, then i'm usually full mast in no time - it can take my OH a little longer, but he shows it in other ways - his breathing changes, he gets goosebumps, his body shivers...

    So I think you are OK. I can understand why you would be worried. I went through a similar thing a little while back, but we established my OH was worried about various things and it was causing a disconnect. If you are really worried, just talk to him - even if it's just for reassurance that he's having a good time.

    1407070394
    PetiteJess [sign in to see picture]
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    Has he always been like this or is it just recently? If it’s recently then it could be a number of reasons like age, stress ect and if he has always been like that then maybe it’s just how he is, not all men work the same as the next man.

    You’re man obviously cares and loves you, otherwise he wouldn’t be so keen on getting you aroused :) so don’t be offended by it. If you do approach him on the subject then be sensitive about it as he could find it a critique on his manhood.

    1407071421
    ScottishSweethearts [sign in to see picture]
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    All of my personal experiences have already been said - there's lots of states of arousal, you can be soft and horny or even hard and not turned on at all.

    Personally I find it reflects how long it's been since I've orgasmed, if it's been at least a few days I tend to get erect very easily. It also means that I get aroused quicker. It would also be worth noting that sometimes my member doesn't feel like staying up despite being aroused, so as Sub was saying you can get an erection and then lose it again. This isn't anything to do with age or any health conditions as I'm an athletic young buck.

    Also, turn ons that work one day may not work another. Variety is the spice of life (inside and outside the bedroom).

    In short the male erection is a peculiar and marvelous thing; much like the aurora borealis.

    1407075860
    acuk [sign in to see picture]
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    I find that things change depending on the day how im feeling what we are doing how long ago we last had sex etc etc, for instance we start messing around and are having a bit of fore play then yes hard all the way through, but if we have been playing for a while ie me giving her oral i am still turned on but hings are a bit softer, same goes for other play, if im concentrating on how to tie a bit of rope or using toys on her and concentrating on what im doing then things will cool off so to speak, then when the focus comes back round things are quickly ready to go, just my experiance

    1407082548
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    I believe this is quite normal, especially during extended play sessions and depending on the man.

    As other men have pointed out, they can be soft and yet horny, or even hard and not horny at all (monring wood for example). I am not a guy, but I have heard manyyyy men say "My penis has a mind of it's own and sometimes it doesn't do what I want" When I was younger, I used to take offence to this too. I thought the same as you (he is not turned on by me), but the truth is actually more complex. Men can lose their erections, or not gain an erection for a number of reasons. Here are some I have come across in my sexual lifetime:

    1) Performance anxiety. This is one of the most common reasons. Just like how us women can struggle to get aroused or reach orgasm if we are stressed or worrying about something - the same applies to men too. It is a myth that men are different from women in this regard. A total myth that men are mindless sex starved horn dogs who will be ready no matter what and no matter when. Men can indeed suffer from worrys in bed. For women, we might worry we take too long to orgasm, or he can see our cellulite, or we don't feel tight enough etc etc (Each woman will have her own unique worries). Well, men worry about being big enough, lasting long enough, if their penis looks "unique" in some way, if they are pleasing you etc etc. These worries can make a man struggle with his erection just as we women can struggle to build our arousal if we are focused on worrying. Unfortunately though, when men worry and suffer erection issues, it is so much more obvious and noticeable than when us women are struggling. (Which, by the way, adds further to their worries: "What if I lose my erection")

    2) Tiredness: I'd say that once or twice a year, over the time I have been sexually active, I have come across this one, where a man is simply too tired. Sometimes they even want to do stuff, but their penis disagrees and decides to go to sleep before they do. lol Again this is just like us women. When I am absolutely exhausted, I struggle to build up my arousal and struggle more to orgasm.

    3) Medication: There are some medications that can play havoc on libido, including the ability to get erect (for men) and orgasm (for men and women) Anti-depressants (SSRI's) cause this side effect reasonably often among people. I could barely orgasm for a year when I took them (I no longer do) and I had a male friend who could not get an erection AT ALL during his few months taking them, which ironically depressed him so much more. If your partner is on any meds, it may be worth checking the side effects.

    4) Pain: Goes without saying but if us women feel pain during sex, we worry about it, tense up and avoid sex. The same applies to men. If he is experiencing any pain or problems, it will not exactly put him in the right frame of mind for arousal.

    5) Time since last orgasm: Some men can orgasm and get hard again immediately. Other men can require half an hour, but there are some men who need a whole day or two to recover. Each man is different, although the general consensus is younger men recover quicker, older men take longer. What I have noticed with my guy (who has a relatively low drive) is that the day after an orgasm, his erection doesn't feel as hard as it usually does. The day after this (2 days after orgasm) it is rock hard again, but one day after, its like a lazy erection. Some men are just like this. They all have their own unique recovery times.

    6) Physical problems: Such as low blood pressure and a whole host of illnesses can cause a mans erection to fail, despite the fact he feels horny as hell, the penis is not responding to that arousal. If your guys erection difficulties get worse, it might be worth a check up at the doctors, but I do think most "sporadic" or "occasional" erection issues are psychological in nature.

    7) Being busy: There is a common saying: "Men can't multtask" and while that is very general (some can...extremely well) it is kinda true because mens minds are designed to work in a more linear fashion. Us women can think of twenty things at once and not bat an eyelid, but for lots of men, trying to do two or three things at once is not easy.

    So let me tell you some truths from a woman who is with a man who CANNOT do two things at once: When he is focused on pleasuring me (with fingers, tongue, giving me a massage etc) he very rarely has an erection. I remember questioning him about it once, like "Erm, are you bored?" but as we talked about it, I discovered the truth. He said "When I am concentrating on doing stuff to you, I am still horny and still totally enjoying it, but I don't know why, my erection just comes and goes during" I think sometimes he is just SO focused on the movements his fingers are making or whatever, and so intent on pleasing me, that his full focus goes into it and his arousal is forgotten for the moment (or placed on the back-burner anyway) As soon as he is finished doing things to me and I lean over to touch him, it comes back.

    This does not mean he is bored, or not aroused though and I know this because he constantly wants to do things to me. He would rather do things to me because that turns him on the most (despite his erection coming and going during). In fact, if I focus on him fully and do not allow him to pleasure me, then he loses his erection because he feels "in the spotlight" and "not stimulated enough" because he hasn't seen my body yet, or touched me.

    Yes....men are just as complex and wonderful as women are and their erections are not the be all and end all to their arousal. It took me a while to understand that, but now I do and can just relax and know he is havng a good time, despite what his penis is saying! lol

    1407084215
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
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    are you always soaking wet when it comes to sex? i know im not, that doesnt mean im not turned on. my man isnt always hard after going down on me, honestly i think its because its not new and exciting anymore, he used to get hard just kissing now we have sex everyday. try something new, when we got our first home bondage kit he was rock hard straight away and still does when we get it out. this doesnt mean hes not turned and you shouldnt be offended at all

    1407098669
    DreamOfTheEndless [sign in to see picture]
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    You know, sometimes I find myself concentrating on my OH so much that I begin to slacken up a bit. It's not really a problem if, with a little attention, he stiffens up again.

    1407110574
    MattB [sign in to see picture]
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    As a bloke, I have to say that either mental arousal or physical stimulation can get me hard, but I'll only STAY hard if I get both.

    So normally if I'm going down on my OH I'll start off hard but I'll be soft by the end - unless it's a 69!

    It doesn't mean I'm not aroused, and it comes back when played with!

    1407112830
    Red XIII [sign in to see picture]
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    Please please please try and get out of the mindset of being offended that he isn't always getting an immediate, porn star erection.

    We have little control on what happens down there. An erection can be influenced by so many different factors it's impossible to keep on track of them all. Sometimes we just don't feel like sex - although if one person just wants to get the other to orgasm because it's fun for the two of them, then is that so bad?

    If you're unable to have sex because he can't keep up an erection, then perhaps he's stressed, unfit or nervous his member will let him down. If you're piling in the 'don't you find me attractive' pressure on then that's only going to make matters worse.

    Try shaking things up in the bedroom a bit - talk to each other about things you'd like to try, things that work for you and things that don't.

    1407139200
    Delboy1991 [sign in to see picture]
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    I've never seemed to have this problem with my oh, and I'm no bloke, but maybe get an arousal spray or cream to try enhance his erection? Or maybe try watching a hot film before hand. Always works for us. I've added some products too.

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=26896

    http://www.lovehoney.co.uk/product.cfm?p=31517

    And last of all it's not your fault. Maybe speaking to him may all help as he could be feeling the same which wouldn't help it
    & good luck xx

    1407144479
    rose hip [sign in to see picture]
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    misshighmaintainancev.69 wrote:

    Every now & again, we turn to sex after a good horny fumble & foreplay session & my hubby is still soft, this completely offends me

    Do you often make life this hard for yourself?

    1407163620
    MrPink [sign in to see picture]
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    I think Fluffbags' long post nails most of the problems we men have, though I would just add that we change over time and as well as the possibiity of stress or physical problems leading to ED, as we age that rock-hard erection that lasts until we need it tends to become a bit more elusive.

    Obviously, it shows most in men as they pass 50 and the effects of a misspent (we hope) early manhood begin to take their toll. But men generally peak sexually at around 20, so some men will show changes relatively early.

    If there'e a medical cause, whether physical or mental, you need to try and find it, but in the meantime rather than forming an angry queue of one waiting for normal service to resume, why not try training your man to do better oral or share some time finding sex toys you can use together? It doesn't much matter if yoiu regard this as a temporary thing or not, because if you open up the ways you can interact, you have that choice forever.

    Also, I've found women tend to build on the 'ever-ready erection' thing and assume that while they might need the starting-handle to get them going, their man will always start at the touch of a button. It's a subtle thing, usually so a small shift in one or both of your thoughts could make it a lot easier all round.

    Classic therapy in this sort of case tends to focus on NOT having sex but being together and touching and sharing yourselves. One thing I found I liked when I was having diffuculties was both of us wanking ourselves at the same time; we could both focus on pleasing ourselves but see that our OH was gettting something, too. Not everybody's choice, perhaps, but you have to find what works in your situation. A man can often bring himself to orgasm without being hard, which a partner wuld find difficult to do and would most likely upset the man trying.

    1407197577
    Fluffbags [sign in to see picture]
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    MrPink wrote:

    I think Fluffbags' long post nails most of the problems we men have, though I would just add that we change over time and as well as the possibiity of stress or physical problems leading to ED, as we age that rock-hard erection that lasts until we need it tends to become a bit more elusive.

    Obviously, it shows most in men as they pass 50 and the effects of a misspent (we hope) early manhood begin to take their toll. But men generally peak sexually at around 20, so some men will show changes relatively early.

    If there'e a medical cause, whether physical or mental, you need to try and find it, but in the meantime rather than forming an angry queue of one waiting for normal service to resume, why not try training your man to do better oral or share some time finding sex toys you can use together? It doesn't much matter if yoiu regard this as a temporary thing or not, because if you open up the ways you can interact, you have that choice forever.

    Also, I've found women tend to build on the 'ever-ready erection' thing and assume that while they might need the starting-handle to get them going, their man will always start at the touch of a button. It's a subtle thing, usually so a small shift in one or both of your thoughts could make it a lot easier all round.

    Classic therapy in this sort of case tends to focus on NOT having sex but being together and touching and sharing yourselves. One thing I found I liked when I was having diffuculties was both of us wanking ourselves at the same time; we could both focus on pleasing ourselves but see that our OH was gettting something, too. Not everybody's choice, perhaps, but you have to find what works in your situation. A man can often bring himself to orgasm without being hard, which a partner wuld find difficult to do and would most likely upset the man trying.

    Totally agree about the assumption men can start at the touch of a button. Some do, some need more. I also totally agree that the angry approach is the wrong one. In fact, it is the most sure fire way to make any erection issues worse (more pressure to perform = even more worry/anxiety) OP, imagine if your bloke got outwardly angry or sulky because you didn't do something he expected (especially something you can't always control) like say...you didn't reach orgasm in 5 minutes, or you didn't squirt or something. Can you imagine what it would do to your confidence and how it would affect future sessions? I actually do understand the frustrations (I have been there before, slightly different scenario) and so speak from experience when I say this:

    When it comes to sexual stuff.....we all have extremely delicate egos.

    Best to try reign in any signs of disappointment or frustration and try work torwards a positive solution. Best of luck xx

    1407280652
    MattB [sign in to see picture]
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    Very good point FB - making an issue of it is going to make it far less likely that he'll get an errection!

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