Yeah that's what I think, I don't believe in avoiding problems. But I agree that not forcing conversations about it is probably for the best, I should let him approach me about it perhaps?
He has shown me almost all the porn sites he visits and the majority of things that he is into. I've watched the videos with him and alone and I'm completely comfortable with it. Hopefully my attitude towards it can eventually help him to not hate himself over it so much.
This is an unfortunate side effect of the way society pigeon holes us all into certain places, and most men are raised or indoctrinated to be macho, not cry, be dominant etc etc. It's just years of conditioning that's making him feel like this.
Sounds like you're doing a great job already, and it's only time that will lessen these feelings, even if it's a lot of it! A lot of us with 'fetishes' think we're abnormal because we know what turns us on but have no idea what goes on in other peoples bedrooms.
Although this sounds counter intuitive to wanting to keep it secret, maybe you guys could browse a few forums anonymously together. There's a huge community of fetishists out there and if he starts to realise it's not that uncommon some of the self loathing might disappear. Day to day on twitter loads of random kinky stuff pops up in one feed or another so it'll be easy to show him how common it is.
Maybe you could work from there up to going to some kind of club, torture garden or something like that. You could wear masks to stay anonymous but being in the presence of others who are like minded might boost his confidence.