• Not allowed to touch

    1406046722
    stressedmale82 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Lieutenant
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    Well I am going to have a talk with her. See what she says. Thanks for the advice of all different types. Let you know about it!

    1406048166
    delilahxx [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    • Joined: 12 Mar 2013

    I hope it goes well but from what I have read be prepared for her to get angry.

    It sounds like she has a few things she should be dealing with to make her a happier person and less likely to lash out and bully you.

    Good luck.

    1406049763
    PetiteJess [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
    • Posts: 262
    • Joined: 2 Mar 2010

    I have to agree that this is emotional abuse. My ex was the same, made me feel rubbish; if he asked me to jump I would always ask how high, cut me off from sex to punish me for buying a sex toy, constantly making vile remarks at me plus more stuff he done. I always made excuses for his behavior but it never helped, if anything it made it worse.

    Communication is key and if communication doesn’t work and she is still treating you like this then get out, it won’t get better – only worse. It sounds horrible but it’s true and you would be better of being on your own and meeting someone who will appreciate you rather than someone who belittles you.

    1406050002
    Stuburns [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 23 Nov 2011

    Why see what she says? Tell her how it's going to be and the leave for an hour or so to let her stew on it and then when you get back ask her 'so are we in agreement'?

    1406050401
    scarab9 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 1 May 2012

    This sounds pretty damn rough. It sounds like you've accepted that the sex part of it is not the key issue here and you need to discuss the wider problems (realisiations like that is one reason it's good to talk to a 3rd party as you sometimes don't realise until you do) which is a good step. (it actually sounds like positive movement has been had in regards to the sex life, but you've got worse problems)

    Someone further up said in regards to the controlling and abusive nature of the relationship that "it's rare seeing it this way around" (ie. the man recieving the abuse), but I think given your current position it might help to know it's really not rare. It's been long overlooked as men are meant to be able to be able to handle themselves and not feel intimidated, and it's recently been looked at a lot more. Given that, don't feel wrong looking for help, don't fall in to the trap of thinking it's all your fault.

    Now, you may not be communicating great yourself given you're understandably under a lot of stress and worry, but it sounds like your OH has pretty much closed off communication. Only you can decide if you want the relationship enough to keep fighting for it and it may be you will come to realise you don't which is fine. If you do though it sounds like you'd be best trying to get some help such as counselling. Whether you want to get some yourself first to work out your own head then approach your OH depending on how that goes, or whether you think she'd accept going to a couples counselling is for you to decide, but I really think one of the two (or both) could help.

    As to the 'bin her' comments, while they might be right, they're being based on little evidence from your few posts. While endless understanding can be just a way to let yourself in for endless punishment, it's worth considering if the negative behaviour is being caused by something that can be treated - hence the counselling.

    1406050605
    MrsMcX [sign in to see picture]
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    • Joined: 15 Feb 2013

    Others have given you great advice and I would totally go with what others have told you.

    The main problem here is, you're the only one that knows your partner and she is the only one that can give you the answers to your problems, so you really need to talk to her.

    It's all fine and well coming here and getting things off your chest, but things won't ever change unless you talk through things with her. Tell her exactly how you feel about everything.

    Some people are plainly saying that you're much better than that and you need to get rid of her, but when love is involved it's not as simple as that. Sorry, but I don't think you should listen to that advice and get rid.

    You need to tell her you feel like shes being too controlling and she needs to make more of an effort to be less controlling and more open with you, or things will have to change. I would do anything in your power to talk to her and discuss things and then if things just go back to normal, that would be when I would be considering leaving her, but not until all avenues are exhausted.

    1406051225
    Young and fun95 [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Field Marshall
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    I hope I didn't come across as harsh but when it comes to sex people have barriers and you cannot push people past that, you need to take focus off sex and work on your relationship, you say you do everything in the house, but she'd be saying she goes to work all day and you sit at home. It's a matter of you both seeing things from your own perspective and not each others, my advice would be to explain that you both seem to be experiencing friction and that you want to know how she feels, have both of you write down how you feel about your own role and the others role in the relationship, what you think has changed and what you want to change, emotionally. Not sexually.

    1406053675
    Monkeysnacks [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 6 Sep 2013

    I second the advice about counselling. Your partner sounds like she can take control of and dominate the discussions you have had so far, so I think it would be good for you both to have an impartial person with you to keep you focused. They will help you both to see the other person's side but more importantly they will keep the discussion on a helpful track so that it doesn't descend into mud-flinging and neither of you will be able to physically walk away from the discussion.

    From your comments about your sex life, you seem to be more focused on pleasing your partner than in searching out your own happiness. I can understand that being told something isn't pleasurable for her can seem like a criticism of your abilities and could feel like a slap in the face for you, but I don't think you should take it personally.

    This sounds like a toxic relationship for you and I think that, at least for a little while, you need to think of yourself and your own happiness first.

    Whatever you choose to do, I wish you only the best and you are always welcome here.

    1406053745
    Lovebirds_x [sign in to see picture]
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    What can you do? Nothing but leave. I'm sorry, you can fix a broken relationship in many ways but you can't fix an abusive one. Leaving her is the only way to take the control from her.

    Maybe she'll realise what she has been doing and change. More likely she won't. Good times do not make a good relationship, and from how you've described it you need to get out now.

    You can have those good times without the pain of the abusive times. You just need to get away from this, however you can.

    1406054844
    Jazzam [sign in to see picture]
    • Rank: Colonel
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    • Joined: 14 Apr 2009

    Lovebirds_x wrote:

    What can you do? Nothing but leave. I'm sorry, you can fix a broken relationship in many ways but you can't fix an abusive one. Leaving her is the only way to take the control from her.

    Maybe she'll realise what she has been doing and change. More likely she won't. Good times do not make a good relationship, and from how you've described it you need to get out now.

    You can have those good times without the pain of the abusive times. You just need to get away from this, however you can.

    OP, I hate to say it. But this sums up everything I'm feeling from reading your posts.

    I met a guy at work the other day who I just spent the whole day wanting to reach out to him - he was pleasant bouncy and happy, asking me questions on behalf of his missus. I gave my best effort and wrote the answers down for him and sent him on his way. His missus came in later basically dragging him behind her, started demanding help from my colleague who passed her onto me as a more "knowledgable" staff member. When the guy tried to say I was the person who had helped him earlier she just waved him off dismissively and started raising her voice at me getting cocky with lines like "I don't want to tell you how to do your job but what i want is right there...." No love you asked for an acrylic kit, that's a gel kit.... Eventually she backed down 'cause I politely but confidently stood my ground.
    I could tell from the difference in his stance and the way he looked at me that she was always like this, and despite being significantly taller than her, he was terrified. I felt awful watching them leave =(

    1406056781

    [suspended user]

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    Let us know how it goes!! Would hate to see anyone be a relationship they arent happy in x

    1406057211
    Lola-O [sign in to see picture]
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    I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It sounds like it's more than the sex and maybe there is something holding her back that she's not yet ready to talk about. That being said, from what you describe, it does sound like some controlling and manipulative behaviour going on here. I know from experience that this kind if bullying behaviour can eventually make you feel like you deserve it when in reality you absolutely do not and it is the person giving abuse who needs to change their ways.

    If you feel this helpless and she is either not willing to understand your feelings or just cannot see that she is upsetting you so much, it might be time to think about whether you really want to continue the relationship as it is, in the long term. I found that the longer I was in that situation, the harder it was to get out.

    I really do hope you can get through to her and whatever happens with your relationship I hope things get better for you

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