hello

Lubyanka wrote:

 Hello sol1821 and welcome to the forums.  :)

If things are that bad, if she is that lazy, and if you are that unsatisfied, is there a reason you have stayed in the relationship?

Sounds a bit girly :p but i do love her, and sex isn’t the most important thing ever is it? (Does that sound like I’m lying to myself??:p) besides there’s always Mrs. palm and her 5 lovely daughters to relive any sexual tension, it just means I’m missing out on the closeness, intimacy and all the other bits of sex.

 Ok, that sounds really positive.  Have you told her you're missing closeness and intimacy?  Did you know you can have those things independently of sex?

Lubyanka wrote:

 Ok, that sounds really positive.  Have you told her you're missing closeness and intimacy?  Did you know you can have those things independently of sex?

i tried to explain that i was missing this, but she seems to think it’s just about sex.

a while ago we both went shopping and bought food for a nice meal which i cooked for us, which was fun and we were getting on great, but getting her to do things like this is hard work as she can’t really be bothered.

Just simple things like this every now and then would really cheer me up. It’s hard to explain in words.

 

sol1821 wrote:

Lubyanka wrote:

 Ok, that sounds really positive.  Have you told her you're missing closeness and intimacy?  Did you know you can have those things independently of sex?

i tried to explain that i was missing this, but she seems to think it’s just about sex.

a while ago we both went shopping and bought food for a nice meal which i cooked for us, which was fun and we were getting on great, but getting her to do things like this is hard work as she can’t really be bothered.

Just simple things like this every now and then would really cheer me up. It’s hard to explain in words.

There are two things which jump out at me from this post.  One is that you are struggling to find explicit accurate words to express what you feel you're missing.  The other is to wonder if your partner still wants to be in this relationship.

I think the first thing you need to do is to sit down alone and work out precisely which words express what you feel you're missing, what you feel you want and need, and what you would like your partner to do about that.  Because I don't think your partner can be expected to know what you want from her if you can't express those things specifically, precisely, and accurately.  Also, you've said that even though you are trying to establish more intimacy and closeness, your partner thinks it's all about sex.  So I'm thinking that something about the way you are expressing this is telling her that all you want is sex.  And if what you really want is something different, then I think you need to work out another way of expressing yourself so that she understands you.  This isn't about blaming anybody for failing, this is about communicating in a way which ensures that your partner accurately understands what you're trying to say.  I think you can only benefit from learning how to express yourself effectively.

After you've worked out which words clearly and precisely express what you need, I think that a serious sit down talk with your partner is the next step.  I know you said that you've tried this before.  In my experience, some things cannot be accomplished in one conversation.  I think it might help if you consider every conversation not as a failed attempt, but as a step in a process.  Just because you might not have achieved your desired outcome in one conversation doesn't mean that you can't have another, and another, and another until the issue gets resolved.  It's not like you have to ration conversations because they'll run out or anything.  :)

In the first instance, I'd suggest that you try to establish how your partner feels about your relationship and if she still wants to be in it.  If she doesn't, then unfortunately there's nothing you can do.  However if she does, then I imagine that she will feel some motivation to help you get your needs met.  But of course you will need to tell her those explicitly.  I would also recommend that you prepare yourself for her to air grievances in this conversation which you may never have heard before.  I think this is all to the good, because if she has unmet needs which you can fulfill, then I imagine that you'd want to do that too.  So this conversation can be an opportunity for both of you to sort some stuff out.

I really hope you can work this out in a way which satisfies both of you.  I wish you luck.

Bloody hell tal about a challenge, give that man a medal !!

TB

Hi Sol welcome to the forums

Sorry to here about you & your partner, reading between the lines

Sounds like your OH wants out of the relationship.

You have made every effert to talk this through with her with no real input from her.

May i ask if your OH is suffering with depression, as this makes a big difference, she may need some kind of tonic.

Try asking her what is bothering her & is there anything you can do to support her, but she needs to make the effert too.

Good luck sol hope all gets sorted soon. 

It would appear as though she still wants to be with me, I have asked and she says she does. We’ve also just signed up to the gym with like a joint membership, which I suppose shows a commitment to the relationship??  It’s just her willingness (or lack of) to do things that require effort, sex included. Hopefully if she gets a bit fitter (she’s not overweight or unhealthy) it might get her to be a bit more willing to do things, sex hopefully included:p.