Relationships and ageism

spiced tea wrote:

There's simply so much choice we have these days. Most people need to search for a good while, and in the meantime have sort of this-will-do-for-now relationships. When they then end up staying in a relationship like that just for convenience, that's when they start longing for their "lost youth" and more chances to experiment and have fun. Very few of us luck out like you did and it can be hard for someone not as lucky to accept, or even understand. Many people also don't know themselves well enough until their 20s, 30s or even later and won't understand what it is they really want and need, again if you have it figured out then lucky you. It's rare. (people forget sometimes though that "rare" and "impossible" are not synonymous)

Another reason people tell you how it's not going to last or not worth it, is only thinking of the potential negatives ie. ending. I would just like to remind them that even though it's not fun breaking up and how complicated it can be when you own stuff together, let alone have kids - surely that's something we should worry about when it happens, not before? Carpe diem and all that, if the relationship makes you happy now then go for it and deal with the shit only when it happens, if. Why should it matter so much in the first place whether it's likely to last forever, you might be dead tomorrow and all the other clichés.

Thankyou, i agree completely, i do seem to have lucked out and it's not gone unnoticed. 
Urgh don't even want to go into the whole children fiasco, i understand and appreciate all the warnings about safe sex etc. but on your 5000th time its like -_- 
My OH's mother said to him about the second month into our relationship that if i got pregnant then we wouldn't be able to see each other again. 
Of course i have no plans to do so, i know im only 19 and its not sensible now with finances and all the rest of it, we share cats and thats enough for us :') 
And if the relationship lasts until i died (whatever time that may be) then i'd still have seen it as being together forever though prehaps forever isn't the best term, being together for a lifetime maybe :) 
xx

I think my OH and I have been pretty lucky in this respect, having never really had any bother from family or friends about being in a committed relationship at a young age.  I suspect some of the OH's friends may have given him a bit of grief over it, but I reckon that was more to do with him making the leap and moving hundreds of miles to be together.  I've always been the kind of person who is far happier in a stable relationship than living the single lifestyle, and OH is pretty much the same.  We're both far more content doing couply things and planning for our future than joining some of our single friends on nights out and stuff.  My mum especially has always been really supportive.  It was her that advised us we should move in together when he moved here, since we'd thought it might be a bit soon and were trying to figure out how we could afford to finance separate flats.  And she's been asking when we're going to get married and give her some grandchildren for years now!  I'm only 24 and still at uni full time, children aren't going to be at the top of the list for a long time yet.

Imogen wrote:

I think my OH and I have been pretty lucky in this respect, having never really had any bother from family or friends about being in a committed relationship at a young age.  I suspect some of the OH's friends may have given him a bit of grief over it, but I reckon that was more to do with him making the leap and moving hundreds of miles to be together.  I've always been the kind of person who is far happier in a stable relationship than living the single lifestyle, and OH is pretty much the same.  We're both far more content doing couply things and planning for our future than joining some of our single friends on nights out and stuff.  My mum especially has always been really supportive.  It was her that advised us we should move in together when he moved here, since we'd thought it might be a bit soon and were trying to figure out how we could afford to finance separate flats.  And she's been asking when we're going to get married and give her some grandchildren for years now!  I'm only 24 and still at uni full time, children aren't going to be at the top of the list for a long time yet.

You lucky thing :D you seem to have a fantastic mother she's obviously very supportive (Y) xx

I think she just really wants grandchildren!  When I shattered her hopes, she turned to my little sister, who was about 18 at the time hehe!

 I was 23 when I got married...and don't think I was too young...just picked the wrong guy!! LOL

goodgirl93 wrote:

Urgh don't even want to go into the whole children fiasco, i understand and appreciate all the warnings about safe sex etc. but on your 5000th time its like -_- 
My OH's mother said to him about the second month into our relationship that if i got pregnant then we wouldn't be able to see each other again. 
Of course i have no plans to do so, i know im only 19 and its not sensible now with finances and all the rest of it, we share cats and thats enough for us :') 
And if the relationship lasts until i died (whatever time that may be) then i'd still have seen it as being together forever though prehaps forever isn't the best term, being together for a lifetime maybe :) 
xx

That's so tragic about the comment on getting pregnant. For most of our parents or at least grandparents generation getting married meant kids and kids meant getting married - things are very different nowadays and again some people just can't get their head around the fact that you can be committed and long-term without immediate plans to start a family, and that girls can't automatically "trap" a guy by getting pregnant on purpose (still happens but less I guess). Hope things get easier for you and your boyfriend's mother stops being stroppy, it's probably just her being afraid you would steal her baby boy away.

Sorry my wording was maybe a bit vague on the other comment, I meant more in the sense "why should you worry if you still want to be together in twenty years if one of you gets in a car accident tomorrow" type of thing, you know, it's pointless to plan everything on assumptions of anything that may or may not happen so far down the line.

spiced tea wrote:

I agree with a lot of what you've said so I'm going to break it down to comment!

People seem to think that living together / being committed somehow restricts you and makes life more mundane - maybe so but not in a bad way, I too enjoy just lazying around the flat together and not spending all my evenings in nightclubs trying to make an impression. Painting walls and searching charity shops for that perfect chest of drawers can be just as much fun or even more so, not to mention having baths and cooking together and all the rest. Yes, I can't always do whatever pops into my head, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.

It's just that in the modern world the sex-and-the-city / celebrity lifestyle is so glamourised it's easy to just assume that's what everyone wants deep down. WRONG.

Very much agreed - as I said previously, I hate the thought of going out clubbing every weekend. I go out with friends at least once a week, but it's a quiet drink where we can talk because I *enjoy* their company and don't *just* want to dance (although additional dancing is always a bonus).

There's simply so much choice we have these days. Most people need to search for a good while, and in the meantime have sort of this-will-do-for-now relationships. When they then end up staying in a relationship like that just for convenience, that's when they start longing for their "lost youth" and more chances to experiment and have fun. Very few of us luck out like you did and it can be hard for someone not as lucky to accept, or even understand. Many people also don't know themselves well enough until their 20s, 30s or even later and won't understand what it is they really want and need, again if you have it figured out then lucky you. It's rare. (people forget sometimes though that "rare" and "impossible" are not synonymous)

Again, absolutely! And I appreciate these are those people's reasons. Problem is - my close friends and family really don't tend to say that our relationship is doomed and we shuold be "having fun" because they know me and my partner, understand how fantastic we are together and how happy we make each other and expect us to last a long time. The only people who "helpfully suggest" we should "have fun" are complete strangers or people who don't know us very well and in that case - why on earth do they think it has anything to do with them and that they have the right and superior wisdom to share their "advice"?

The benefit of being with someone young, especially if you have similar morals, is that you grow together and suit each other better with time. I would still have become this person, but I think I would have found my true self a lot later had I not had a good partner - he gave me the confidence to be myself; I didn't need to impress boys (or girls) and good learn to be who I am now. Many don't get that opportunity - they spend their teen years worrying about other people's opinions of them!

Another reason people tell you how it's not going to last or not worth it, is only thinking of the potential negatives ie. ending. I would just like to remind them that even though it's not fun breaking up and how complicated it can be when you own stuff together, let alone have kids - surely that's something we should worry about when it happens, not before? Carpe diem and all that, if the relationship makes you happy now then go for it and deal with the shit only when it happens, if. Why should it matter so much in the first place whether it's likely to last forever, you might be dead tomorrow and all the other clichés.

I would ask them, so do you never do sport because you worry you might pull a muscle? probably no point getting a job in the first place because you might just get sacked if the company decides to downsize. god forbid getting into a car, you could have an accident.

Great response! I will be using this. Also - I agree with the "dead tomorrow" sentiment - I live my life to the fullest and always try to be as happy as possible because who knows what will happen tomorrow.

People only say those things because they feel it's likely, based on their own experience or current situation (just like most kids are afraid of dogs only if they've been bitten or bowled over by one).

This has been my inkling - they have had rubbish relationships, and that's sad, but they shouldn't try to ruin mine because they haven't found the happiness I have!

Adx

I had just turned 22 when we got married our  families didn't say anything aeout us getting married (my hubby is 9 years older then me) the most comments i got about getting married at 22 was from people around my own age saying things like "your to young to get married"  " i carn't imagine been married at your age". me and my hubby moved in together after we had been going out  for 6 months i was 19 at the time and noone comented on us living together  which i found strange.

Alicia D'amore wrote:

The only people who "helpfully suggest" we should "have fun" are complete strangers or people who don't know us very well and in that case - why on earth do they think it has anything to do with them and that they have the right and superior wisdom to share their "advice"?

shellyboo made a great comment on the first page which deserves a bit more attention - a lot of people have a tendency to project their own experiences, concerns and needs onto others and assume that whatever they think applies. Why do they do this? More often than not, probably because it's the behaviour they've learned from others.

Chances are they get annoyed when others do it to them, but we tend to get caught up in the details - like criticisms of age - and miss the larger patterns.

As an example of pattern, I'll use a frequent example from my own life. I get along really well with children, have worked with them in groups and individually, and adapt quickly to the style of communication/interaction needed. So 'do you have your own?' is a very natural question. I don't, so the next natural question is 'Do you want to?' Would love to, but things haven't worked out that way. There are serious reasons for that involving my health, but those are hard to explain. I also look at least 10 years younger than I am, so 'you still have plenty of time' is the natural response. And once someone's in that position of wanting me to be optimistic about having a family, they tend to want to stay there. Regardless of the facts. I've ended up telling a lot of people that I miscarried at 40 just to shut them up on the matter.

Kind people, happy with their families, wanting me to be happy.

Since I turned 45, it's finally stopped. Though the conversations do tend to still be about their experience of me, just more about how old they think I look. Much better. %-)

Do you see the pattern? Age is still involved, but it's not about age.

 I think it is something that people do with no malicious intent most of the time. Yes, it can be annoying, but only if you let it annoy you. I got married at 19, but didn't have many comments from people. Mind you, that might have been because they thought that something stable and settled was what I needed. I think perception of your age has a lot to do with it. I agree with rosehip there. When I was 19, people rarely believed that I was less than 25, so people who weren't close friends did not feel the compulsion to comment on my age.

My relationship is now just based round supporting the children and the rest has ended, but that is not because I was 19. After all, this is now 22 years later.

One thing you must bear in mind is that people who are happily enjoying a relationship really piss of people who arn´t. A strange side of human nature.

spiced tea wrote:

goodgirl93 wrote:

Urgh don't even want to go into the whole children fiasco, i understand and appreciate all the warnings about safe sex etc. but on your 5000th time its like -_- 
My OH's mother said to him about the second month into our relationship that if i got pregnant then we wouldn't be able to see each other again. 
Of course i have no plans to do so, i know im only 19 and its not sensible now with finances and all the rest of it, we share cats and thats enough for us :') 
And if the relationship lasts until i died (whatever time that may be) then i'd still have seen it as being together forever though prehaps forever isn't the best term, being together for a lifetime maybe :) 
xx

That's so tragic about the comment on getting pregnant. For most of our parents or at least grandparents generation getting married meant kids and kids meant getting married - things are very different nowadays and again some people just can't get their head around the fact that you can be committed and long-term without immediate plans to start a family, and that girls can't automatically "trap" a guy by getting pregnant on purpose (still happens but less I guess). Hope things get easier for you and your boyfriend's mother stops being stroppy, it's probably just her being afraid you would steal her baby boy away.

Sorry my wording was maybe a bit vague on the other comment, I meant more in the sense "why should you worry if you still want to be together in twenty years if one of you gets in a car accident tomorrow" type of thing, you know, it's pointless to plan everything on assumptions of anything that may or may not happen so far down the line.

 Not that she knows it but it's not a possibility anyway, i haven't felt the need to tell her, actually i share very little with her shes spent the last two years trying to split us up and its got to the point where i just ignore her. She is afraid ill steal her child, in her eyes i already have, as he rarely left the house before and now has a life outside it, not just with myself but a good social life. Niether of us smoke or take drugs and we rarely drink, but from her point of view i have corrupted him and stolen him away from his family (whom he still lives with) i think just not having him at her beck and call has pissed her off, personally she can go stick her head in a bucket. 

I'm not worried about the future, i'm very confident that whatever happens will happen if something bad happens i would of done my best to stop it, if something good happens i shall congratulate myself :) 

Thankyou for your help and best wishes :) xx